Month: November 2023

Thanksgiving 2023

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Grâce à tous ! I spent the thanksgiving day wondering if the chest pains I was having were caused by asthma or if I were having a heart attack. Even though the chances of me having a heart attack are slim, who the fuck knows about the causes of having one. I am used to having chest pains but usually it’s because I coughed a lot trying to clear phlegm from my air ways or my chest was congested and tight, so on and so forth. So I wondered if I should go to ER or just wait and see if it becomes worse and me being lazy won the coin toss and I stayed put, watching the moving “Fair Play” on Netflix.

I have mixed feelings about this movie and it made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to scream (especially to (at) the woman), like why are you allowing this ? I think they (story tellers, or directors) wanted to portray the female is a fragile and weak, about the gender inequality in workplace and how women are subdued. Sorry if I’m giving out the plot; briefly it’s about a couple who work in the same financial firm and supposedly in love with each other and can’t get enough of each other. Then the woman gets promoted and the happy notes turn sour and panicky, the power dynamics shift and they portray the man is a loser and that the woman becomes powerful, while trying her best to salvage the relationship and help her man. This may strike true to many people and but not to me. I feel, that this is 2023 and not the middle ages where woman doesn’t have to be in an abusive relationship, especially if she has a job and is making more money than her partner. I don’t get it. Why are women so needy to have a man in their life ? and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for companionship and having tons of sex but not at the cost of an abuse (emotion or otherwise). In order to make her boyfriend feel like a man, she tries to initiate sex with him when he is clearly acts like a first class moron. And this in itself tells you that this is not a very stable relationship because clearly that man needed a woman to suck his dick like a hole in his head. What he needed was some therapy and if it failed, committing him to an institution. I mean, he insults her, saying things purely with an intent to hurt her emotionally, things like that she only got her promotion because she is a woman and that she probably had sex with her boss. I would have slapped him silly and threw him out or moved out. Like really, it annoys the fuck out of me why women sit down and take this sort of abuse and I wonder if this is even true in this day and age, because I can’t picture myself in that position. I would never sit quietly if someone is disrespectful, even if I were not in a powerful position, like this woman, who was making tons of money and just got $500,000 check as a commission. She even tries to prove that she is just like one of the guys, by going to a strip club acting like a jackass. Why, seriously, why ? Women, you don’t have to act like someone you are not to prove yourself to someone.  Of course, this goes to men as well. If anyone is in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, get out. If you are not strong enough, write to me. I will come get you out. I strongly recommend everyone to read “Fountain Head” by Ayn Rand. Towards the end of the movie, which slowly morphs into a low class horror flick, she wakes up and it was again a bizarre ending; like oh wow, they went off the rails here. Anyway, it was positively a waste of my time, I feel though many might not have the same effect; but I have to finish it because of my OCD. The only line which I liked the best was “now wipe the blood off my floor, and get out. I’m done with you now” and I secretly wished she had said that soon after her promotion; but then again, there won’t be a movie. lol

In the middle of the movie, I remembered how I almost choked to death the day before, while happily munching on a brownie and sipping diet coke, and watching “sommerdahl murders” (Danish) and because I was in reposing in a weird way, the brownie, diet coke mix went into my wind pipe and I ended up choking and coughing A LOT. Hence the chest pains…. Having determined that it wasn’t heart attack, I took an advil and fumed over the rest of the movie.

I’m typing this out while watching the Sunday football (Patriots lost yet again #facepalm). I always thought the face of Trevor Lawrence, Jaguars QB, is interesting as it reminded me of something but not sure what. As I just looked up, he was on the screen and I now remember what he reminds me of. His face is exactly like an “Easter Island Idol” face. Same lines and profile like the Idols. May be he has some ancestry to that of those Easter Islanders.

Yet again, I have joyfully deflected all invitations and have not gone to anyone’s house. This is repeatedly becoming a problem for me as I am lying to everyone, like I will tell y that I am going to x’s house and I tell x that I am going to y’s house. I don’t have a good grasp of family dynamics and it was bad enough when I was dealing with my own family and honestly, I don’t have enough patience to deal with someone else’s family. I’m grateful that they are still inviting me but they think that I’m sitting in a corner and am being miserable. But I’m probably having more fun than them. I enjoy sharing my solitude with my cats and books. When bored, I watch some murder mysteries or news. Yes of course, loneliness is inevitable but it’s irrelevant.

I got a roast chicken for my cats and it probably would be the last time for a while as I am wondering if roast chicken is the culprit to one of my cats rash. Sonu has a rash little skin bumps and I spent almost $1200 on him at the vets to figure this out but no result. So I am doing the research myself.

This is a cold, rainy Sunday but in my mind, it’s still the height of summer, summer like may be in some old city with it’s ruins, and sun baked dusty roads, bustling streets under a blazing sun.

In the meantime, if you could, leave the book open. Leave yourself wanting for more. Offer up a late night with a side of a cup of coffee. There could never be enough words. Even if no one turns on the music and no one dances, even if it’s not all rainbows and magic, there will still be remembrances like the quiet hum of a fridge in the middle of the night.

Heart Talk

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

This year is almost over and it feels strange because I thought we just had New Year’s celebrations. Oof, time passes so quickly !! and I feel, I spend much of my life in a time bubble as if I were a constant and no variations about me.

Sharing a look with a stranger about something benign is so healing. The other day, (Nov. 14 to be precise), I had an encounter with a stranger; at least I think he is a stranger, because I am known to look blankly, straight in the face, at a person and not registering or recognizing that person as my brain most of the time is on a different tangent than my optic nerves, busy thinking about random things or having conversations about some topic. You know, like you are driving to a known destination and you know the route well, so you don’t pay attention to what’s on the road, but you drive like an automaton.

My colleagues decided to clear out the storage space where we have some boxes of stuff and as I’m asthmatic I decided to stay out and help them with other things like gathering some boxes, ordering lunch and when it got delivered, went to our lobby to pick up lunch. So at our work place, we have to swipe our badges to enter and it also automatically assigns an elevator to my floor. Because of this tech, most of the time, I am used to travel the elevator all by myself, even if two people are going to the same floor, the tech seems to assign diff elevators. Because of this particular elevator tech a lot of time, we get separated and, there were a lot of broken conversations. So I got into the elevator, but another person entered with me, much to my annoyance, but I didn’t pay attention and I kind of told him to make sure he is going to the same level and I barely registered his existence and then he said so “oh so, what do you think of this place you got food from” and I said something positive about the place, thinking he is on the wrong elevator but he got off on my floor and he went the opposite way (there is another department on the other side of the floor). Sorry for the detailed story here but you need to know as it is relevant. So later on I was heading to the copy machine and I stopped to chat with a colleague when this shadow of person from the elevator goes by and we both acknowledge and say hi. In all this interaction, I never once looked at his face really and I was thinking how do I even know it was the same person may be because of his jacket or sweater something beigie.

Got home, and later on was falling asleep around 10 p.m. and my brain suddenly starts thinking about the guy looking at me intensely and fixedly, and this guy who I can’t recognize if he walks up to me and I am like “dear brain, you don’t register how he looks but you register that he was looking at me”. There is a slight chance that I may know him, and as I previously mentioned, I have a habit of looking right through someone and not registering who they were. Anyway, for some reason, my mind won’t stop thinking about this person and I had no sleep that night and the next day I was like a zombie. Somedays I keep thinking that I should just pop over to the other side of the floor and look at every person but it is a very useless exercise because I don’t know how he looks.

But I was thinking and analyzing, I don’t know why this moment imprinted on my mind, or why acknowledging this person is important, but this moment kind of awakened something in me and I don’t think it’s like any feelings, romantic or otherwise, but if I’m hard pressed, I may have to say, it’s a feeling of being alive. It vaguely jogs a memory, like I am caught between two nightmares and that I am trying to find beautiful moments. Like trying to grab the fireflies which are floating by. What else can I do ? I think of you all the time and when I am lonely, I come here to find you.

I feel like I’m waiting and waiting, to come back here, back to you, to this moment, until I’m better. But I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get there. I don’t think we can ever truly return to the point where we started veering off. For a long time I’ve been so quiet, so angry, so fatigued and closed off. I miss sharing my warmth.

2023 part deux

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In June of this year, the northeastern US got blasted with acrid wildfire smoke. Like “don’t go outside” levels. The day before the smoke officially made a landfall in my region, I went into the office and the moment I stepped out of my house, my lungs seized up but I had to go in because of a meeting and I ended up having a severe headache and nausea. I didn’t realize it then but later on I was like “oh, that’s the smoke drifting in slowly”. In my lifetime i get to go through pandemic and for a few days hazardous air conditions. Going outside was dangerous. The air was bad and it stank of burnt rubber, the skies were orange and hazy and when I just poked my head out for a second (without mask), my throat got sore and my eyes burned. This was caused by some massive 400+ fires about 500 miles away up in Canada. The Air Quality Index was around 400. My kitty babies glared at me as I had locked them indoors for three or four days depending on the Air Quality. I’m so awed at God’s creation and at the same time we can see God’s protection even when the air we take for granted turns deadly.  Because of pandemic lesson, everyone now a days is equipped with masks and storing food.  I was thinking how God prepared us for this event ahead of time.  

The Summer was super hot and this is too cute not to share. When we started having really super hot summer days in July, I made small tent fort on my fire escape for my cats so they can enjoy the warmth but not get burned by the sun.  So now a days whenever the sun is fully out my kitty boy Sonu (black) demands that I make him a tent fort by meowing his head off !! Look at the little nugget all comfy and stretched out !! And the recent development is both boys are now demanding that I make fort in my apartment, so my bedsheets are hanging around the corners in fort style; and of course, like all the stupid cat moms, I went and bought a couple of covered cat beds which were like teepees, and guess what, no one wanted them.

  1. Cats on leashes so they don’t go wandering off with elves. 2. Minnou catching sun and trying to bloom 3 & 4: Sonu in his makeshift tent fort because he is a little drama queen and he can’t abide by the sun.

We started going back to the office in the middle of September. I felt really sad to go back as leaving my cats alone at home was gut wrenching. I kept thinking of them all the day and couldn’t wait to get back home. The first day, my cats didn’t figure this out, but the next day, Minnu realized that I am leaving again. So in the morning when I got into the car, he came down and sat on the steps crying his eyes out. I climbed down the car and gave him a hug but I had to leave so I drove off; but my heart was so sad, so I turned around came back and took him back into the apartment gave him treats. After that day onwards, I started sneaking out of the apartment so he wouldn’t see me leaving. Somehow, my cats know my coming home time and I am convinced that they know the time I come home and the sound of my car. During evening, both my boy cats wait for me downstairs and when they see me walking up the steps, they greet me with loud meowing and come running to me. It is a joy and I feel so blessed to be loved by these boys.

Today (11/17) was my husband’s birthday. I remember him fondly and I think I can forgive him. But sometimes my anger wells up and I want to scream (at him) for taking his life and wasting his life and potential. I’m trying to wrap my head around this suicide concept but I can never reconcile it in my mind. No matter how sad and how depressed one is and how painful life becomes, just close your eyes and sleep or hum or do something else which works or if you are like me sit and sulk in a bathtub. It’s almost 10 years since he has gone and I am still not over it even though the pain has numbed a bit.

Once in a while I still sometimes catch myself thinking of the old days. The life I used to live, the person I used to be… none of it seems real anymore. Some days I find myself wondering if it was all just a dream; and wondering if I can return there in my sleep if I just go to bed at a reasonable hour… ; and sometimes I think may be I am writing down my life and may be someone is reading me into existence. Sometimes I can’t help but think that maybe I’m better off this way. Maybe all we ever were, was a pleasant dream that went wrong and turned into a nightmare – I spend most nights staring at the ceiling, wondering if I’m ever going to sleep (or wake up).

Hello ? Hello ?

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

It’s 2023 !! to be precise, it’s November 16, 2023. So i’m back. And hopefully i will continue to write. It sucks not being to write but as per usual life happened as it always does to everyone of us. I had to vacate the house i was living in 2022 because my landlord wanted to sell and i had to hurriedly look for a place, but it was hard as the rents were going up and so the apartments were gone even before i went to check it out. I finally found a place but it was a tiny studio but i took it because i didn’t want to spend time looking and feared that if i dawdle, this would go away as well. I moved in with six of my kitties having lost the rest of my babies between 2022 and the time i moved. Since then, i lost three more. So now i have one senior kitty (bleu) and two young boys (minnu and sonu). i will post photos of the kids soo

My apartment is immensely small even for a studio and i am swimming in my clothes. I brought all my clothes to this tiny room hoping that i will weed out the unnecessary ones and keep the necessary ones. That didn’t quite happen. On the top of it, i am buying more clothes. i live on 4th floor and this house doesn’t have an elevator as the house was built in 1850s and it’s a beautiful house. i have a fire escape next to my alice in wonderland type window. the window opens on to the ledge of fire escape where i put some plant pots. during nice days i sat on the stairs reading books as i can’t keep going up and down due to my asthma.

However, i am letting my two young boy cats go and roam out as i felt sorry for the kids. I mean, we always lived in a very big house and to transition into this small studio, i myself got really claustrophobic for a couple of weeks, and i can only imagine the little ones, full of energy has no place to move or run. When we first moved in, i put them on leash and did bring them to our yard and walked them. Soon it became a problem for me, as my allergies set in and my asthma kicked in. So i let them go to wander and crossed my fingers and said a silent prayer to God to protect them. But these two kids are really good and taught themselves to watch out for the traffic and i am not sure how far they go, but they are happily wandering. I am keeping their vaccines updated just in case. The window is now open irrespective of the temps and they go out first thing in the morning around 5 am and go in and out all the times , coming in to eat and if the weather is too hot or cold, just sleep and go out again during evening. They adjusted to this life and i am happy to report they come in when i call / whistle so i know for sure they are always hanging about the house even if i can’t see them. They keep bringing me presents, baby rabbits, birds, baby birds, moles or garden mouse; and to my dismay they bring them alive with no scratches or bites. While i am happy they are not killing these critter, my problem now is, i have to hurriedly put on my pants and bring these animals / birds back into the garden to release as i don’t want to keep them and thus keep going up and down the stairs which i desperately wanted to avoid.

The year itself didn’t start off right for me; this house is multi family which means the house was divided into independent apartments and so apart from me there are 7 more apartments and most of them are single with three couples. one of the single guy who lived on the ground floor od’d on some drugs and passed away. We didn’t know this for two or three days and it was really sad because there was a dog in the house and he barked his head off. Finally he was found and for a while there, it was really hard to stay in the house. I was especially ticked off as i just moved in and i spent so much money for moving etc and i am like, i would like to move but i have no money to spend again for moving. But as it usually happens, we slowly recovered from that incident. and the apartment is now occupied again.

We started going back to the office for work and we are still getting used to it. I think i will say good night for now and will catch you up tomorrow.

Good night all you lovely internet people !!