This year is almost over and it feels strange because I thought we just had New Year’s celebrations. Oof, time passes so quickly !! and I feel, I spend much of my life in a time bubble as if I were a constant and no variations about me.

Sharing a look with a stranger about something benign is so healing. The other day, (Nov. 14 to be precise), I had an encounter with a stranger; at least I think he is a stranger, because I am known to look blankly, straight in the face, at a person and not registering or recognizing that person as my brain most of the time is on a different tangent than my optic nerves, busy thinking about random things or having conversations about some topic. You know, like you are driving to a known destination and you know the route well, so you don’t pay attention to what’s on the road, but you drive like an automaton.

My colleagues decided to clear out the storage space where we have some boxes of stuff and as I’m asthmatic I decided to stay out and help them with other things like gathering some boxes, ordering lunch and when it got delivered, went to our lobby to pick up lunch. So at our work place, we have to swipe our badges to enter and it also automatically assigns an elevator to my floor. Because of this tech, most of the time, I am used to travel the elevator all by myself, even if two people are going to the same floor, the tech seems to assign diff elevators. Because of this particular elevator tech a lot of time, we get separated and, there were a lot of broken conversations. So I got into the elevator, but another person entered with me, much to my annoyance, but I didn’t pay attention and I kind of told him to make sure he is going to the same level and I barely registered his existence and then he said so “oh so, what do you think of this place you got food from” and I said something positive about the place, thinking he is on the wrong elevator but he got off on my floor and he went the opposite way (there is another department on the other side of the floor). Sorry for the detailed story here but you need to know as it is relevant. So later on I was heading to the copy machine and I stopped to chat with a colleague when this shadow of person from the elevator goes by and we both acknowledge and say hi. In all this interaction, I never once looked at his face really and I was thinking how do I even know it was the same person may be because of his jacket or sweater something beigie.

Got home, and later on was falling asleep around 10 p.m. and my brain suddenly starts thinking about the guy looking at me intensely and fixedly, and this guy who I can’t recognize if he walks up to me and I am like “dear brain, you don’t register how he looks but you register that he was looking at me”. There is a slight chance that I may know him, and as I previously mentioned, I have a habit of looking right through someone and not registering who they were. Anyway, for some reason, my mind won’t stop thinking about this person and I had no sleep that night and the next day I was like a zombie. Somedays I keep thinking that I should just pop over to the other side of the floor and look at every person but it is a very useless exercise because I don’t know how he looks.

But I was thinking and analyzing, I don’t know why this moment imprinted on my mind, or why acknowledging this person is important, but this moment kind of awakened something in me and I don’t think it’s like any feelings, romantic or otherwise, but if I’m hard pressed, I may have to say, it’s a feeling of being alive. It vaguely jogs a memory, like I am caught between two nightmares and that I am trying to find beautiful moments. Like trying to grab the fireflies which are floating by. What else can I do ? I think of you all the time and when I am lonely, I come here to find you.

I feel like I’m waiting and waiting, to come back here, back to you, to this moment, until I’m better. But I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get there. I don’t think we can ever truly return to the point where we started veering off. For a long time I’ve been so quiet, so angry, so fatigued and closed off. I miss sharing my warmth.