Grâce à tous ! I spent the thanksgiving day wondering if the chest pains I was having were caused by asthma or if I were having a heart attack. Even though the chances of me having a heart attack are slim, who the fuck knows about the causes of having one. I am used to having chest pains but usually it’s because I coughed a lot trying to clear phlegm from my air ways or my chest was congested and tight, so on and so forth. So I wondered if I should go to ER or just wait and see if it becomes worse and me being lazy won the coin toss and I stayed put, watching the moving “Fair Play” on Netflix.

I have mixed feelings about this movie and it made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to scream (especially to (at) the woman), like why are you allowing this ? I think they (story tellers, or directors) wanted to portray the female is a fragile and weak, about the gender inequality in workplace and how women are subdued. Sorry if I’m giving out the plot; briefly it’s about a couple who work in the same financial firm and supposedly in love with each other and can’t get enough of each other. Then the woman gets promoted and the happy notes turn sour and panicky, the power dynamics shift and they portray the man is a loser and that the woman becomes powerful, while trying her best to salvage the relationship and help her man. This may strike true to many people and but not to me. I feel, that this is 2023 and not the middle ages where woman doesn’t have to be in an abusive relationship, especially if she has a job and is making more money than her partner. I don’t get it. Why are women so needy to have a man in their life ? and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for companionship and having tons of sex but not at the cost of an abuse (emotion or otherwise). In order to make her boyfriend feel like a man, she tries to initiate sex with him when he is clearly acts like a first class moron. And this in itself tells you that this is not a very stable relationship because clearly that man needed a woman to suck his dick like a hole in his head. What he needed was some therapy and if it failed, committing him to an institution. I mean, he insults her, saying things purely with an intent to hurt her emotionally, things like that she only got her promotion because she is a woman and that she probably had sex with her boss. I would have slapped him silly and threw him out or moved out. Like really, it annoys the fuck out of me why women sit down and take this sort of abuse and I wonder if this is even true in this day and age, because I can’t picture myself in that position. I would never sit quietly if someone is disrespectful, even if I were not in a powerful position, like this woman, who was making tons of money and just got $500,000 check as a commission. She even tries to prove that she is just like one of the guys, by going to a strip club acting like a jackass. Why, seriously, why ? Women, you don’t have to act like someone you are not to prove yourself to someone.  Of course, this goes to men as well. If anyone is in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, get out. If you are not strong enough, write to me. I will come get you out. I strongly recommend everyone to read “Fountain Head” by Ayn Rand. Towards the end of the movie, which slowly morphs into a low class horror flick, she wakes up and it was again a bizarre ending; like oh wow, they went off the rails here. Anyway, it was positively a waste of my time, I feel though many might not have the same effect; but I have to finish it because of my OCD. The only line which I liked the best was “now wipe the blood off my floor, and get out. I’m done with you now” and I secretly wished she had said that soon after her promotion; but then again, there won’t be a movie. lol

In the middle of the movie, I remembered how I almost choked to death the day before, while happily munching on a brownie and sipping diet coke, and watching “sommerdahl murders” (Danish) and because I was in reposing in a weird way, the brownie, diet coke mix went into my wind pipe and I ended up choking and coughing A LOT. Hence the chest pains…. Having determined that it wasn’t heart attack, I took an advil and fumed over the rest of the movie.

I’m typing this out while watching the Sunday football (Patriots lost yet again #facepalm). I always thought the face of Trevor Lawrence, Jaguars QB, is interesting as it reminded me of something but not sure what. As I just looked up, he was on the screen and I now remember what he reminds me of. His face is exactly like an “Easter Island Idol” face. Same lines and profile like the Idols. May be he has some ancestry to that of those Easter Islanders.

Yet again, I have joyfully deflected all invitations and have not gone to anyone’s house. This is repeatedly becoming a problem for me as I am lying to everyone, like I will tell y that I am going to x’s house and I tell x that I am going to y’s house. I don’t have a good grasp of family dynamics and it was bad enough when I was dealing with my own family and honestly, I don’t have enough patience to deal with someone else’s family. I’m grateful that they are still inviting me but they think that I’m sitting in a corner and am being miserable. But I’m probably having more fun than them. I enjoy sharing my solitude with my cats and books. When bored, I watch some murder mysteries or news. Yes of course, loneliness is inevitable but it’s irrelevant.

I got a roast chicken for my cats and it probably would be the last time for a while as I am wondering if roast chicken is the culprit to one of my cats rash. Sonu has a rash little skin bumps and I spent almost $1200 on him at the vets to figure this out but no result. So I am doing the research myself.

This is a cold, rainy Sunday but in my mind, it’s still the height of summer, summer like may be in some old city with it’s ruins, and sun baked dusty roads, bustling streets under a blazing sun.

In the meantime, if you could, leave the book open. Leave yourself wanting for more. Offer up a late night with a side of a cup of coffee. There could never be enough words. Even if no one turns on the music and no one dances, even if it’s not all rainbows and magic, there will still be remembrances like the quiet hum of a fridge in the middle of the night.