Month: December 2023

adieu 2023

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(12/30/2023) I think it’s John Keats who said “Touch has a memory”. I miss my cat Minnou, and the head bumps he gave. I’m profoundly sad as my cat Minnou who went out to wander on Christmas morning hasn’t returned. Not sure what happened to him. I walked around the neighborhood looking for him, but as I don’t know where he goes, or how far he ventures, it was really a futile effort. All I can do right now is search my community web page, local SPCA web page to see if someone turned him in. I’m clinging to the hope that he is ok, may be someone caught him and kept him and may be he is lost his way as he ventured out too far chasing a rabbit. I considered it an acceptable risk to let my cats go wandering considering the small span of life they have and I gave importance to their happiness above all else. So here’s to the hope that he would come back to me someday and he is still in our family prayers.

Update (12/31 – 1:20 a.m): Minnou came back. I went to bed around 12 a.m. and woke up to a loud meow and there he was, he came home !! my heart felt like it’s going to explode with the joy, sadness, relief and all sorts of emotions. I hugged him tightly and gave him two cans of food. He lost weight and he is clearly traumatized. I don’t think he was hurt, but he is just got lost. He is sleeping now and I think he is running a little fever. But I want him to recover so I’m not taking him to a vet yet. He stirs a bit in the sleep meowing and I’m calling out to him assuring him that I’m here for him. By the time I went back to bed it was 5 a.m.

Shout out to 2023 – We have survived this year. This is a shoutout to people who started their 2023 in a bad place. Who felt like things were already out of control so early on this year. Who started the new year in pain, in grief, in fear. Remember that most things in life are temporary, and even when the sadness feels overwhelming, it isn’t all you have, and your suffering doesn’t make you less worthy of love

As we are about to start another year and y’all say it with me. I’m about to walk into a soul nourishing year and will make it a most successful year. It is worth to remember some of the many reasons why it is special to be alive. Bats hear shapes; plants eat light; and bees dance maps. We must hold all these ideas at once and feel both heavy and weightless with all this beauty and the absurdity of it all.

As Ann Lamont said, gorgeous, amazing things come into our lives when we are paying attention. To overcome my dull ache and sadness as I was missing minnu, I turned to Bach and a big fat chocolate mousse cake (this is store bought and not from a French patisserie, so it’s not that rich). I always turn to Bach. I spent endless lonely nights with him. There are some pieces of music you always return to when you want peace. When you want to slow down. When you want to relax. Those musical pieces are formative experiences in your lifetime. You connect with them.

Bach must have known how something flutters away when you turn to face the face you caught sideways in a mirror in a hall at dusk and how the smell of apples in a bowl can stop the heart from beating for an instant; and the stars of ice that spread across the window panes and everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music. The musical urge to hear and know until I merge with the dynamics of it all and become my own unique modern day symphony.

On 12/29, I joined a face book page called “West Chester – What was that noise” because our neighborhood has been reporting some big booms with no known source or a concrete explanation. I mean these are like large, noisy booms where the earth shakes, etc. I have been curious for a while now even though I have yet to experience the noise first hand, but as it is my neighborhood thought i would join the fun and read through the explanations.

Time, by slowly working in lengthy durations, has updated memories; erasing all the pain, leaving only smiles to reappear, and helping joys to lean into the shadows; drawing tiny suns there at leisure.

This year has been a year of growth. I learnt to have more room for life, more learning for fun, more taking care of myself. It felt vulnerable at time. But we (I) experienced it all, with strength, perseverance, and love. It’s ok if everything wasn’t amazing. We had good memories and accomplishments despite the rough patches. Here’s to a lovely, full banner for the coming year as well !!

Merry Christmas !!

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Joyeux Noël à tous !

I hope everyone is enjoying these winter holidays as I’m. Most of you celebrate Christmas tomorrow, so Merry Christmas you lovely bunch ! I hope you have a glorious day with your loved ones (or alone !). I know holidays with family can be stressful and hard and sometimes not so nice, so take care of yourself, make sure you’re having some alone time if needed, eat, drink and rest !!

Christ is all about hope, miracles and unconditional love. If you’re alone these holidays or facing bad circumstances, don’t forget to have hope. Good things do happen and will happen in your life as well, so believe it. May your days be filled with love, joy and peace !!

Though I acknowledge the birth of Christ, I don’t particularly care about Christmas celebrated in December, as the majority of the world would have it, because of it’s roots in paganism. (for eg. Christmas tree). And if you want to know, the actual birth of Christ falls somewhere around end of September. So, I’ll be living here on my blog distracting myself from the chaos that is my tiny apartment. I did book a two hour massage as a treat for myself on boxing day (Dec. 26). Eagerly looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, we don’t have any snow, and I’m hoping at least the gray skies, pregnant with clouds and mist can help create a wintery atmosphere.

Merry Christmas, Merry Everything, You are loved !!

Dec. 22, 2023

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Once you realize you don’t have to do a lot of things or for that matter anything at all, life becomes really simple. Every little spare moment I have, I dedicate it to frolicking with my cats or reading books or journaling. I can cook but I don’t usually. I can clean, but I don’t usually. Well, all that is necessary but I don’t usually bother.

I watched Maestro (Bradley Cooper’s) movie on Netflix while I laid down next to Sonu, as he was slightly moping. I love the way Sonu inserts his paw into my hand (see the pic)…  

I adore the little nugget ! I’m conflicted about this movie. Not because of the story, and Bradley Cooper was glorious, but because I didn’t know the personal stuff about Leonard Bernstein till this movie. I feel that we shouldn’t know about the personal crap about our heroes or those who we respect. As they were (are) also human beings, they will disappoint you tremendously. The same thing happened about Ayn Rand, who wrote Fountain Head, and Atlas Shrugged,  I was like adoring her till I read the biography and of course about Charlie Rose… Really !! I’m not comfortable to also not to acknowledge if they have any predatory patterns, but it’s so disappointing, isn’t it ? But on the other hand, I also learned great things from (auto)biographies of people like Lee Iacocca (former President of Ford), Sam Walton (Wal-Mart founder), Nick Leeson (Rogue Trader).  Best thing I learned is Sam Walton’s how to get revenge on people when they piss you off. Oh well, I dusted off my personal distaste of this movie by listening to some Handel’s Messiah !

Today (12/21)I had to post something to my family in india, and also to get some chicken for my boy, so I actually put on my pants and went out. Apparently, a truck with untucked equipment went under a low bridge of a major highway near my house and damaged the bridge and thus two highways were cordoned off and all the bloody traffic flowed into a highway, near my house which is usually very traffic-less. So I had to find alternate routes to get this couriered off via fedex and then went wading in the traffic to a KFC to get chicken for my boy Sonu as he has been moping that I’m not getting him chicken. Got home and found that the Chewy box came with my kitties nourishment, so went down to bring the heavy box up and I had to rest, half way on the stairs. One of the girls’ boyfriend in the apartment across mine, helped to bring the box up.  Update: Yesterday the police dept. posted this note saying the routes are now open: i admire the person who wrote this note. lol

After finishing up chores like feeding the kitties, clearing some stuff and cooking (yes, I do cook), I finished watching the Swedish series on Netflix, A Nearly Normal Family. It is really well done and I may even read the book to explore some emotions, a little bit triggering if you have anxiety like I do, and also trigger warning as it has rape, but gosh, while shattering and defining what it means to be a family and the dynamics of family in crisis are depicted really marvelously. I also learnt that Swedish justice system works differently than American justice system.

The fact that 2023 is nearly over is actually causing me a bit of anxiety and made me face how much I dissociated mentally and how alienated I was from my own self. I feel like I’m still asleep and just walking through life dazed. The flicker of life which got ignited by the Stranger and is warming me up slowly and helping me from going into full zombie mode. I just need to live in the moment like the animals do. I clustered the forgiving silence in my chest and let it set and fester deep down, causing a certain rot; which I let to grow enough to reach deep through my ribs to where my heart longed to be touched, even if by rot. Now that my heart is lifeless, aged but softened. Perfectly decayed enough to be tender. I just simply need to break off the mold.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Just need to wake up and reap the rewards ! Darling, it’s time to live !

Bazaar

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I want to tenderly smooch everyone ! I’m planning to work on tenderness towards myself and try and be a vegan in 2024. It has been in the works for ever and not sure if this would work even now. But I figured, making plans aren’t going to do any harm.

As I previously acknowledged, meeting this Stranger changed me, which is really surprising to me.  Even though, sometimes I burst into tears because of the uncertainty and absurdity of it all, I’m filling my life with colors and smiles. If I were a cartoon, a butterfly or two would be fluttering around my beaming face. I’m breaking into smiles for no apparent reason and freely exchanging them with others and I’m immensely happy. Should I feel guilty about this ?!

Or is this what you might call an OCD dream ? It’s like he’s my ultimate escape from reality. I don’t know what attracts me to him. I’m so drawn to him, and unless I’m completely mistaken, he is also attracted to me. It’s like two souls unconsciously recognize each other and are drawn to each other for their survival. I’ve had crushes before, even with a guy at my work but you know, this time it’s different. While my other crushes were fleeting, this Stranger is a goddamn knight on a white horse !

The other day (12/5) while driving to work, the traffic was terrible, so my car & I weren’t making much progress speedwise. My car navigator which I leave on even though I know the route, kept repeating “the traffic is heavy for some reason, but this is the fastest route”. It cracks me up to no end. Anyway, I was crawling along and I looked at this car in the next lane and there was a teenage boy in the backseat, and the boy and I both looked at each other and we burst into laughter ! it was so strange but also so featherweight and so fresh and so innocent ! and this filled me with sheer joy like you can’t put a price on it. the boy looked more like the aborigines or maori –

My cat, Minnou, will only drink from faucets, and that too from the faucet which I’m currently using. Some mornings it’s extremely irritating and disruptive especially the mornings when I’m rushing to go to work. I have to personally accommodate and pander to this little furry rogue’s hydration needs when there are perfectly good drinking water all over my place; a water fountain, two bowls of water (on the floor next to the fountain and dry food bowls), a bowl in the sink in the kitchenette (I use the term loosely) and another in the bathroom. (I’ve this irrational fear that if I get into an accident or die, at least my cats won’t die of hunger or thirst). If I’m using a sink either in kitchenette or bathroom, I remove the respective bowl, but there he will be, his royal highness, demanding water.  I tried to entice him to using other multitude bowls by buying various bowls of metal, ceramic; not even remotely close and a cigar wasn’t on the cards.  Sonu, on the other hand, is a kitty, who gets his hydration exclusively by eating wet food and he has no need for water. And the days when he demands to drink water, I know it’s time to make a trip to the vet because he will be running a low grade fever. And he would only drink water at the kitchenette sink, where I’ve to present him the bowl of water, with the kitchen faucet open slightly and then, he will proceed to drink his water while staring at the steady stream of water out of the faucet. Weirdo !

As I’m on vacay, I was clearing out junk while eating junk and singing to my cats, old hindi songs which I grew up with and now and then breaking out into little dances and thus confusing my cats but they are polite, civilized and gentlemanly and put up with their mama !

I’ve been observing this phenomenon and am not quite sure if I’m remembering things wrong or have completely lost it. Like I remember watching some movies and I could swear I watched them with my husband but when I look at the release date, it’s released after his passing. So I’m like, this is not possible. I can understand one movie, but a lot of movies are like that and I’m baffled. I know sometimes, I would be watching some stuff and if it is interesting, I’m like, I should tell Jace (my husband) about this. So, may be that’s how I’m remembering that I watched it with J, who the fuck knows ?

 Anyways, today (12/20) I watched a hindi movie called “Bazaar”, the cultural theme is truth based even though the story of the movie is a fiction, and cried my little eyes out; Ugh, it’s such a sad movie and I watched it when I was a child and this movie is basically set in my city Hyderabad and it is quite sad where barely legal girls (especially muslim) from poor background were sold by the parents as commodities because they need the money; obviously it’s not called “selling” because we live in a hypocritic society and so we observe basic social norms and cultural values. So while it’s not okay to call it “selling” and this is unacceptable term, but it becomes acceptable and respectable even if you call it “marriage”. But the truth of it all is, it’s more like “marrying” these girls to men who can be their fathers or grand fathers because they have money, and they can buy the girls. It is a terrible thing and I don’t understand why poor people think of tethering themselves to social norms, when society doesn’t save them. False pretenses, fake respect is all they live for.

I’ve been thinking a lot about storytelling, or penning them down in some space like this, so I can share a late night with the Stranger, may be while eating cakes and having coffee; like they do in the stories while sitting in the kitchen (I got no kitchen in this tiny apartment, so we probably will sit on the metal stairs); I’ve been thinking about penning memories as a way of preservation of myself, as a way to remember a moment in another way, taking up root and growing into a legacy.

We all have stories to tell and sometimes we find nice ways to frame our stories. The moral of this story sharing with Stranger or any tale is whatever we tell ourselves. Lies also can fit as perfectly as shards of broken glass when we take clues and glue back each jagged edge back to the original shape with a cracked view.

holidays 2023

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Thankfully it’s Christmas season, I’m off for two weeks, come tomorrow. This should give me enough time to calibrate my emotions and bring them to neutral. Though I’m mortified to admit, I’m not that surprised to find I’ve feelings for this Stranger at work.

Some mornings there is a thick mist or fog and it feels like the entire planet is covered up by soft cotton. After feeding my cats, I sit on the metal stairs with a hot mug of coffee and contemplate my life. I can feel emotions happening to me and no, no, no, I don’t like it. I’m feeling like my old self again now a days. And I should really thank this stranger !

The tall, dark, handsome stranger and I keep dancing around each other in circles. I feel like I’m having a déjà vu, you know, that feeling that you’re going through something new, but it feels strangely familiar. It’s as if you’ve been in this situation before because you’ve been there with (or as) someone else who faced something similar. Now that it’s happening to you, it’s like revisiting and rereading an old story, but this time, you’re the main character in a play you once watched from the sidelines. Pretty strange, right ? I don’t know about him, but I’m thinking I’m being very idiotic about this because i don’t know if he is married or has a girl friend ! I don’t want to lust after someone who is married or otherwise engaged and thus break a commandment, but as I don’t know who I should ask at work, I’m sorely tempted to march up to him and demand that he show me his hands ! But as that’s not going to happen, I’m carrying around the fragile pieces of my broken heart clumsily put together. I’ve been writing him letters which I have no intention of sending them to him or posting them online. As much as I love this feeling of being in love, I’m so afraid of getting hurt so I’m keeping them boxed in and writing letters is so cathartic. And I’m also hoping that these feelings would neutralize themselves with the said exercise.

Speaking of déjà vu, I was reading up on déjà vu and about the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and his philosophy about how we are spiritual beings having human experiences which is complete bullshit. While I feel psychology is helpful in some matters, it has some weird philosophies and theories and it has a lot to answer for the degradation of humanity and civilization !

For a few years now, I’ve taken up my mum’s Christmas tradition. Every Christmas (and other holidays to be honest), even though we distributed eatables, and cakes to our friends and neighbors on boxing day (Dec 26), my mum also invited poor people from slums for dinner. Well, I don’t know any slums which exist near me, but I have taken up on buying and bringing dinners for homeless people I meet on the street. I also give gifts to my mail room people and my office building’s security people. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart but because my parents did it and I want that tradition to continue in their memory. My parents raised me right. In India we have beggars who come round going from home to home and begging. And I remember this incident very well. My mother always cooks the correct amount of food so we won’t have any leftovers as we don’t really have a concept of leftovers. And she always prepares a bit more for beggars during the days she goes to work. But one day during summer holidays, I think there was a visitor and my mother ended up having some left over rice and curry, so when this beggar came around in the morning, my mother wanted to give them to him. My father was so angry and I remember this very vividly, he said “I don’t even feed my dog the leftovers and I can’t believe you are offering this to him”. So my poor mother ended up preparing fresh meal while the beggar and my dad chatted over a cup of coffee !

 Also, I feel guilty because I spoil my cats rotten and my cats have much better life than most of the poor people. I figured I won’t need that much money as I can’t take it with me when I die and of course, God will provide me with what I need !!

It rained a lot for the past two days and most of the creeks, small rivers, flooded the streets. As it is Monday, I stayed home and worked while listening to J.S. Bach’s partitas (played by Glenn Gould) and Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Ahhh !! yes, this is my favorite combination. Coffee, research and existential dread !

Reflections

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It snowed a little today (12/7). It didn’t stick but I still think we should have gotten an impromptu off day. I think we could get rid of some the holidays and install a few new holidays like, first snow day of the season; we will greet each other, “happy first snow” and we would all celebrate by making hot chocolate and eating cookies and snuggle up with pets and warm blankets and this should be mandatory. And for autumn, we will get a holiday as the first golden (or red) leaf comes floating down; and we would greet each other “happy golden (red) leaf day”; let’s go home and kiss our pets on their moist noses; and feed your little kitties. Kitties are always starving even if they were just fed. Aren’t they a joy ? I love cats so much !!

I love  Autumn / Winter. And I like snow in theory, and when it falls fresh and covering up like a new blanket; something soft and rare and cold. I like being cold but with warm feet. I have a electric blanket and somedays I have AC on and with my feet wrapped with the soft warmth of the blanket as it tenderly caressing my feet. And this time around especially Christmas, people somehow remember about other people like something suddenly popped in their mind or an alarm going off, jogging a memory, which seems to say, “oh right, you are also human”. And they become benevolent and generous.

It is the first snow, and Winter season; and something small in my heart is finally warm again. I have vague memories of how I spent the past few years just going through the motions. It felt and feels blank and urgent, and I’m thinking I would never actually feel again. It may sound very trite and extremely stupid – but that is the boring and familiar experience of absence or loneliness. You watch your life just washing up against the panes of your glass windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and warming but it just feels too thin, too flimsy and too unoriginal. I am desperately uninterested in my hobbies, in life and unimpressed by my life. I told myself and often, I don’t know how to find interest in life again. Interestingly when I look back, I always told myself I am ok.

And almost flimsily and shyly, something strange, something ethereal and lovely is burning in my chest, I avoid looking, worried that it will run back into the shadows like a frightened animal, and that I would lose it. Do I dare looking at it ? Could I dare to sink my hands into its fur and feel it’s warmth and feel the slight rise and fall of it’s breathing ? I’m afraid that if it’s real it has the power to hurt me by leaving.

either way, i’m here

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Between parking in downtown Philly and getting KFC for my kitty boy Sonu, I am going broke. My boy Sonu loves roast chicken and I used to get him rotisserie from my grocery store but one day I wanted french fries, so I went to KFC and I also got him chicken. (in case you haven’t noticed, i’m a vegetarian who buys chicken regularly for her kitties). Since that day Sonu only wants KFC, nay, he actually demands it, and he tuns up his pretty little nose saying he doesn’t want the store chicken !!

Parking in downtown Philly is expensive and I don’t want to take public transportation because Philly became kind of dangerous (crimewise) and I don’t want to end up in a hospital or dead as I have three kids and I don’t want to leave them as orphans.

So we reached December in reasonably good health and sane. November closed out with frigid temps and with blustery winds, which didn’t do any favors to my lungs. Since Fall set in, I have been debating whether I should leave my little window open or closed so my kitties can go in and out. I was like I don’t want to keep it open as it’s cold out but I was also like what if there is a fire in the house and my kids need to get out. In the end my fears won and I left the window open and with a little room heater on so my babies can warm up.

Last Tuesday (11/28) was particular brutal weatherwise. It was painful for me to move about as my airways completely closed. And lo and behold, when I got home that evening, it was quite windy and by the time I actually got up to my apartment out of breath and gasping for air, totally doubled over in pain, trying to get some air into my lungs and when I opened the door, I find my two boys guarding a very terrified little mouse who they must have brought in. God knows since when they were guarding the little mouse. I was thankful that they didn’t leave the mouse to roam and making me not acquire another pet; I put a shoe box on the mouse and sat down for a bit to catch my breath and did another the trip downstairs to release the mouse.

I’m tremendously and extremely pleased to let you know that on Tuesday (12/5) I came face to face with the Stranger I was hoping to bump into and I recognized him, partly, i think because of his sweater than his face and partly because of the intensity of his stare. I met him by accident at an unexpected moment. And of course, this time I made it a point to study his face. I think I know his name and he does have a very intense stare, and I was surprised to see his eyes are blue (?) and he looks down into your eyes, trying to reach and read your soul.  I am not sure what to do with this info so I just park it here for now.  I’m going to leave this here because I think sometimes we all need a reminder that we have done something right, we have left an impression upon a complete stranger, and that the other person also left an impression on you and that he filled in a gap or two for you.

I am also not sure what I am supposed to write about him, in here.  My blog is usually a place where I whine and complain. Sometimes, to polish my ego. Sometimes to state my opinions and present them to you as facts. Well also may be do a bit of grudge maintenance.  May be let you swing with my moods. Tell you a couple of secrets and then try to take them back

I’ll make this day a mile mark, to signify the encounter with this stranger. I don’t wish to know him because I’m afraid he will make me acknowledge my loneliness and force me to face to it. Needless to say, again i had no sleep that night and he is etching himself on my mind. I’m neither young nor stupid but all the same, I’m slightly worried that, now that I met him, I may be falling for him. Let’s all fall on our knees and pray that I won’t.

So I’ll probably bury him beside my bed, where I’m lying grounded through storms and slow extinction. This is what came from ways set in stone and weathered by shifting sands of absence; absence and fear masked as ambient tension.