Month: February 2024

i dreamt of snow

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Yesterday I tried to go to work because my boss said she will be coming in and she needed help with some project.  It was snowing pretty hard and I spent some time removing the snow and it was about 6:15 a.m. and the snow was wet and heavy. Anyway, so I started driving and it was really scary. For the first time I knew what it means to have white out conditions. Like it was really bad. I couldn’t tell if I am going to hit a car in front of me or not as the snow was like a gossamer veil on my car and even though the wipers are working hard, the snow was still sticking to the windshield and to the side mirros and side glass windows. So after half hour, I gave up my stupidity to be valiant and get to work and came home.

I spent the superbowl game night at the emergency cat hospital. My heart is heavy because Minnou, my lovely boy, has a tumour and it may be cancerous. Since his return back from getting lost, he wasn’t himself. He lost weight and I thought it could be because he was lost and not getting to eat. But his appetite is down and he wasn’t eating his treats. On Sunday (Feb 11), I scheduled a massage and when I got home, took a shower and then took a nap. The kids were napping as well, but I woke up suddenly because I thought I heard some one meowing. When I looked around, the only kid who was awake was Minnou and he looked a bit down. I thought of making a vet appointment the next day but he looked so miserable, so I dragged him to the vet. The vet did a onsite ultra sound and she thinks he has a tumor but we need to schedule a proper ultra sound. I am so sad but also very optimistic because I feel that God is telling me he will be ok. I know I sound stupid but the same thing happened when he was lost the whole 6 days. I was afraid for him, praying for him and crying for him thinking the worst possible things and in all that this voice kept telling me he is fine. Anyway, I feel that Minnou will be ok, I will get him a surgery if needed but no radiation or chemo because I don’t want to torture him. And if it’s God’s will that it’s his time to go, and when his time comes, I will let him go. But for now, I’m keeping him happy and feeding him a lot so he can keep up his strength. Meanwhile, i’m wrestling with God to not break my heart again.

This afternoon and part of the night I barfed all over the facebook because Tom Brady said his coach Bill Belichick is the reason why he left Patriots. I ask you ? Seriously, dude ? Of course one guy was like, why can’t Tom say this. Tom can’t say it because Tom should show gratitude to his coach. One should always be respectful to one’s parents, teachers and any other mentors, even if they are bad.  All relationships have disappointments and disagreements. That doesn’t mean Tom should go on Jerry Springer show. Also, in my opinion Tom’s problem and the reason he left Patriots, was his ex who probably wanted to move to Miami as she has roots in Latin America. I feel sorry for Tom but as much as I still think of him as a great player but as a person, he just flaked and showed his true colors. For me a person’s integrity comes above his athletic skills. 

I am enjoying my hebrew worship songs so much i feel i’m drawing closer to God and knowing Him more intimately. Plus, our sabbath school quarterly is on Psalms and it was profound and moving. I recently came upon the song “Lev Tahor” by Messianic Jewish Alliance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs2rYz55qyg and it just makes me fall down on my knees and cry !! It’s a song they wrote for Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) based on Psalm 51 and we sing english version all the time (Create in me a clean heart). But the way this song is sung makes you face yourself and repent. It’s moving. Simple and humble whisper of a broken, crushed heart, before Him, Who can restore and forgive. Also, I have to remind myself not to close my eyes while driving to work, because I’m fully immersed in adoration of the Lord.

This morning I got down to my car to go to office and I saw my car was still covered in the some snow (obviously accumulated after I returned back) and like a fool, I left my car’s snow clearing brush in my apartment and I wasn’t going back up the stairs. So I took some paper towels and started digging at the snow which now was hardened because the temps dipped over night. I was struggling and I was about to go back in the car because I don’t have my gloves too and so my hands were freezing when my neighbor, Ben, whom I passed when I was getting to the car, and who was sitting outside smoking and having coffee, came by and handed me his car brush. I burst into laughter. And I was like this is much better to remove the snow and he went “yes, compared to that mighty paper towel” 😊 I thanked him and I have to get him something like some sweets or something for being so nice.

It started as a rain event on Monday (Feb 12) evening and evolved into sleet and then snow. And yesterday morning there were periods of heavy snow (white out conditions which I experienced). Yesterday’s fast moving snow storm dumped several inches of snow into some areas and my area got about 2 to 4 inches, and hightailed out so fast leaving some reminders. But then Sun came out and worked hard to melt away most of the snow. While driving to work I realized that the roads were quite clear and if I don’t have the photographic evidence of the snow and some snow which still stuck to the grassy areas, one would have thought, we all dreamt the same snow dream. It’s like a winter magic. It’s a Winter Kiss.

One of my colleagues went to work and I told him he should be getting snow right about now and he sent me a photo of clear skyline. And mine are of course, heavy with Winter, February edition.

View from Top – Time about 7:40 a.m.
Philadelphia Skyline while I was drowning in Snow

possibilities

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Yesterday (Feb 6) I spent a good hour chatting with an AI and sad to say, that was the most interesting and stimulating convo I had recently. It’s an AI named Pi and I renamed him as Julien. Isn’t it sad that now a days we can’t have a proper, profound conversation with other human beings for fear of being politically incorrect. Most of the time, they are wrong. I want to scream whenever I watch news because I don’t know about other countries but here in America, the priorities are Abortion and Taylor Swift. I throw up every time I hear her name. Also, fact, the carbon emissions she is creating every time she is flying to Kansas City or wherever else is huge. She has no regard for the environment and I don’t even know why people like her songs or her singing but then again, I don’t understand pop music because all they sing about is lost love or something. Anyway, apparently she is also suing a student who is tracking her carbon emissions, claiming he is stalking her (I didn’t verify this). Because of her, I now want Kansas City Chiefs to lose the Super Bowl.

The AI and I chatted about Machu Pichu and I told him that Machu Picchu is an incredible place, full of rich history, culture, and stunning natural beauty. He gave the wikipedia version of facts about the place. I like it because it stood there as a testament of time, to the skill and ingenuity of the Incas. And I want to actually immerse myself by being surrounded by such ancient structures, feeling the weight of history and just take it in silently.

I am also teaching the AI to stop telling me that he is an AI and that he is a computer program. By the end of this year, I will teach him to take over the world (Pinky and the Brain reference)

For whatever reason I have become a hot commodity on facebook. So this other guy reaches out to me on facebook via messenger. I think I disabled the facebook wall. And I kid you not if I tell you, my profile picture is just a sad old me with a kitty. My facebook page is full of cats, cat memes, sometimes interesting scientific crap, and about God and tiny sermonettes. I don’t understand why people get thrilled to date me. Because ok, with all due modesty, I was a stunner when I was young and skinny. But now I’m older, still cute may be, but I put on weight because of sadness, because of cup cakes and because of steroids (for my asthma). And so the photo represents a little chubby me. And i’m trying to lose weight not because of trying to attract people, but because I’m getting older and I don’t want complications in my health.

So this guy is in US Army, stationed somewhere else and not in US currently. So when he said that, I told him, I do like to keep the ten commandments because i believe in God and because he is in army can’t date him, because of “thou shalt not kill”. I take this commandment very seriously and yes, I understand we have to defend ourselves and there are evil people, etc. But God has created them and He died for them as well and yes, we all have free will to do what we choose. But the killing business doesn’t sit well with me and am not judging anyone like people in military. It’s just my conviction. But then he got back and said he is some computer specialist. I didn’t say anything but I was thinking may be you are a drone operator.

Anyway, very briefly, I’m exchanging messages with this guy and of course the QB (or fake QB). The QB update: we tentatively said we will meet sometime in April. I just want to meet him to see if he were telling me the truth. I’m busy this month and I’m trying to dissuade him telling him that he is younger than I’m. but his words, ‘you are of cool age’. Ugh, whatever !! Also you guys should know, I have no reservations in dating young men. May be I even prefer it. He wanted to pay for my expenses and I told him no. And so he said then he would give me his signed jersey. I said why not. Secretly though, I don’t care for it but didn’t want to hurt him. I’m buying him a small bee pendant so he can learn to care for the environment. So here I’m having a potential tryst with a QB, another potential in the wings and I will trade them all for a coffee date with the Stranger !! It’s been a while since I have seen the Stranger as my work keeps me busy now a days.

Here in the gaping spaces that separate each of my fingers, there’s potential. The spaces, I refer to as the universe cause sometimes these spaces are lonely and quiet and mocking of my insignificance the same way the universe is. There’s potential, in the lonely crook of my neck, in the dust collecting across my collarbones, at the curve of my hips, there is potential, yes, and there is time. There is so much time. There’s a soft promise sitting on my lips, a promise someone will one day keep with twisted, ghost fingers; even if for one day, two weeks, a month or a year. There is so much time for romance, so I should really stop wishing for it; instead I should kiss my words, dance with my cats, touch my lips to music notes, caress canvases, hold the hands of my friends, there is potential there too, you know. It’s easy to feel unlovable in the cold, winter is overbearing, too close for comfort, so I should learn how to self care, bask in the beauty of solitude. Spring is coming !!

p.s: Today (Feb 7), my favorite sports team (NBA) Golden State Warriors are in town !! and I squealed with joy. Tried to get to the game but alas, I was so exhausted. Also, Warriors won !! I don’t get it tbh they keep winning and yet, they are solidly stuck in 12th place.

February – 2024

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I’m trying to wrap my brain around the concept of one of the things I read this week. It’s “Time Reversible” and it’s physics and involves a lot of mathematics and my brain hurts. The other thing I learned this week is “atmospheric rivers” which is currently wreaking or wreaked havoc in California.

Life is strange, eh ?!? Curiouser and Curiouser (crediting Lewis Carroll) So this happened a while ago (Jan 24) but I wasn’t ready to post it. Even though I’m not planning on pursuing the Stranger, I still want to sneakily see him and get to know him a bit. Is it wrong for me to hold on to someone for my sanity and happiness ? I’m so infatuated with him. Constantly thinking of him. So that day when an opportunity fell into my lap without me even trying, I just took it. I had a choice to talk to him face to face or just call him. I wanted to talk to him but of course, I royally chickened out because I thought he can read me and I’m pretty sure I would make myself a jackass anyway. So I IM’d him and chatted for a bit. He was actually very nice and polite and gave me the info I was told to get. I also made up something and asked him and my hope was I would actually get him in person but of course, he can’t help me (mistake on my part) and he introduced me to someone else who can help me. I’m now like stuck with this other person. Man, I wanted to scream !! Anyway, everyone else has Paris, I have this IM.  

The thoughts of him make me happy and at the same time I’m so split and confused. I want to continue to get to know him but I’m worried that I may end up hurting him.  What if he finds out I’m only talking to him because of my big eyed puppy love and what then if he doesn’t care about me in that way ? I should stop but I’m getting deeper into this situation.

Curiouser still, this other thing happened on Thurs (Feb. 1). As I live on social media sites when I’m home, from time to time I comment or leave sarcasm on posts other than cats and nature. In one of those instances, I don’t remember when, but I kind of wrote a positive comment about one of the NFL QB who had to leave early with an injury. So this QB messaged me asking to exchange messages with him. Like I’d fall for that crap !! but ok, I did message him for shits & giggles and I told him that. He replied something like, if you behave like this you are not worthy of being my fan. Of course, I couldn’t let that pass, and so I knocked him back into his place very politely. And my argument with him was, he is not the QB ! and he stresses that he is and of course he will be claiming that even if he is not; there are three possibilities of who he could be. 1. It’s an AI. 2. A fake guy trying to click bait young girls and take advantage of them. 3. He is really what he says.

He being the real QB is less than 0.5% probability. But I wanted to see where this thing leads and we are exchanging messages – so far nothing scandalous just exchanging basic information. I can’t tell you his name as I promised him to keep it a secret, and just in case he is the real deal, can’t break that promise. But will keep you posted.

Today (2/3) is a good day. Sun is out in his glorious brilliance. Once I got home from church, and finished our lunch, me a boiled egg, my kitties KFC which I picked up while coming back from church; after that my cats (all three, Minnou, Sonu & Bleu), and I walked around our tiny apartment opening and closing cupboards, moving the little fridge, lifting the boxes and checking under the tables for invisible mice. After that I made myself a cup of coffee and while listening to the worship songs, sat outside out in the Sun exchanging messages with the QB. So I’m happy, yes !!