Author: mycatisafrenchspy

persimmons and pancakes

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12/05/2017

they are actually crêpes but persimmons and crêpes didn’t rhyme well… 😊

grateful for the colors i fill my life with. it’s important for me to cultivate a safe home for myself. last weekend, for an empty sunday afternoon, i decided i would sweep up my wooden floors and open up the windows (to let the crisp cold air in). i just had a good breakfast a home-made crêpe and a hachiya persimmon…… yes ! a hachiya !

last week after work i hopped on an acela and went to new york, because my friend came to nyc from san fran for a conference and of course, we have to meet and when i arrived at the penn station, she met me with a hachiya persimmon and it made me giddy with happiness. hang on to your friends who meet you at a railway station with a persimmon ! we went to east village and roamed around holding hands and i found some hachiya persimmons and bought them… i am admiring my bounty as we speak !

she was put in a days inn hotel by some mistake and she and i giggled so much over this and i wanted to share this with everyone on facebook and she threatened me that if i did this, she will tell our network of friends about my love for terry…

she and i decided we would color our hairs with purples and so we bought the colors and dyed our hairs but as we have black hair (and we should have bleached our hairs first) it kind of gave a hint of color but not drastically and now whenever i wash my hair it bleeds purple. i’m convinced my work gym people will throw me out as i keep purpling their towels…

i’ve decided i will work out at the gym (at work) as increasingly i am not finding time to go to my gym after i get home from work, as jack decides not to as he was feeling lazy or as my kids are all having sniffles i’m running around hosptial or pet store and i have oodles of time at work and i am not the one who sits and twiddles thumbs and so i started going to the gym and started working out with the weights and stuff and my lungs are still problematic which makes me get bloated on and off depending on my lungs, but i think i need to just bite the bullet and work out even when i am unable to breathe.

and i usually warm up on the treadmill to get the target heart rate before i hit the weights, and i usually wipe down the equipment before and after using them as i am germaphobe and one time, one of the superiors from my department was there on an elliptical opposite to me and when he was done he proceeded to wipe down the entire machine and i wanted laugh so hard, i mean, men just are so full of y chromosome… !

this week’s accomplishments included me making 14,000 steps and i have found a co-relation between the heart rate and racking up the steps. i’ve this habit of salsa dancing if i am not tired enough and so the other night i was happily dancing and i forgot to remove my fitbit and in half hour i racked up 2000 steps and when i achieved my goal of 14,000 steps fitibit threw out some fireworks… so yay !

jack’s daughter (yes he is a bisexual and now gay and married to a guy) got her first period and a very panicky jack called me and i went to the drug store to get some cups as liz wanted a menstrual cup and i am not really fond them myself but i taught her how to use them and i get to be a mum for a whole hour and i was quite please with this.

i went to dinner with the italian and he talked about how he’s listening to christmas  songs and talked about christmas the whole time and when he asked if we can meet again, i said no. and no, this time it’s not about terry at all. his conversation had no substance and he actually isn’t currently reading any books (remember, he said he reads books ! he lied, the bastard). and also, i found the italian’s voice is super annoying and i can’t deal with that. i need a man who has a sexy voice which would make me swoon. like when i talk to him on the phone, i shouldn’t be trying to hang up… 😊

funny story; my voice on the phone is quite sexy (i am not sure about it now as i sound stuffed up) and i know this for a fact because many people have said this (men) and my aunt one time called me to talk about something and she was like you should tone down the sexiness in your voice… umm, i wasn’t trying to be sexy ? my husband used to tease me saying i should become one of the 900 persons, you know who talk sex to people on the phone. one time i said it’s not enough to have a sexy voice, one should also say sexy things like take off your panties and shit like that and i would just read some scientific article and men don’t pay to hear me read a scientific journal about alzheimer’s and my boy went, i would pay you even if you read me the phone book… lol and yeah, well, i am not saying that i’m a prude and actually it’s quite the opposite as i am quite a slut in bed but i don’t end up bedding anyone i am not in love with so….

my kitty boy zazie is now fully upgraded to be one of my kids ie utterly spoiled and moody and bratish. his name evolved from zach to z to zz and to zazie…. zazie is one of the french pop singers and z fell in love with her songs and he wags his tail to her songs.

it’s been quite a handful of days these days and i can’t explain to you, even if i tried, that i traveled a distance in reasons beyond needing a selfish conclusion to this murky feeling i had been swimming in for the past few months. there is a fate which drew us together, connecting us despite distance and time. i let you into my life without complaint, allowed myself to be more vulnerable than ever before, showed you my world and mistakes, hoped to allow you to do the same. i walked into something i knew would end with a truth that would leave me unable to hold onto something anymore, the consequences of falling in love with someone when the burden i’m carrying is too heavy and the result of the right person in the wrong circumstances;

when i saw you yesterday after you returned, you looked so tired and old and i wanted to smooth those creases away and kiss your tired eyes and hold you close to my heart  and i wanted to care but wouldn’t because of the things tugging against us. i wondered how long a person can keep quietly caring, silently praying with pleas of desperate hope to fates unknown, the foolish hopeful thoughts we move towards fearlessly.

is there any other way ?

 

left and leaving…

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/03/2017

hi… i decided i am going to make my blog private (from dec. 10) and that means if you want to continue to read my writings, you would need permission from me.

with a heavy heart i have to do this. because i am missing him more than i should and i keep swallowing the lump in my throat and the broken heart in my chest and the knot in my stomach.

maybe this is what it’s all about. you love a person for as long as you possibly can, until you run out of love. you love them even when they don’t love you. and then you can leave, as quietly as you came, knowing that you gave all you had, knowing that you couldn’t have been any more than what you were and that it was pure, that it was full and that you were honest with it all. goddamn, love is beautiful but quite a torture when it’s one sided.

well, i didn’t run out of love but i decided it’s best if i said my goodbyes. so here i am leaving and saying goodbye and shutting the door firmly on any hopes i have.

i miss you today and i will keep missing you, and the internal dialogue kept crawling like acid up the back of my throat. but i’ll keep quiet, leaving the burning words to settle some place until they fizzled and faded. and i am making my blog private.

i don’t know how this works as i was told if you have a wordpress account already you may send me a note to request access and i am not sure how it works, if you are already following me but please jot down this email in case something doesn’t work right to contact me at heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com

thank you for reading the bits and pieces of my life so far and after this week, when my blog goes private, i’d love it if you joined along,  but don’t be surprised if it is heavy and sad or full of drake lyrics and photos of me lying very flat on the floor or the backyard or photos of me and my kitties…. what can i say, somethings never change, right ?

bises

 

anatomy of me being scared and being brave

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12/02/2017

i write stories to survive… i write stories to remember that i am still alive. this year is weird. this year is being scared and being brave. a few years ago, when i found myself all alone, i thought it was like the whole universe was shaking its fists at me, at us (my kids and me). sometimes i forget about the times silence filled up the house, and sometimes i forget about the nights i didn’t sleep and sometimes i forget about my shaky legs carrying me around from one empty room to another empty room trying to find comfort.

people probably are under the impression that i walk around with these things tucked in my pockets, and that i wake to my sadness and greet them in the morning; but i think my grief, and sorrow has a way of hiding themselves in the gaps of my bones, living under my skin like a itch that doesn’t go away and they only rears their head now and then.

there are other things hiding there as well…. things i don’t talk about, because when you give them words, you give them weight and they are already heavy enough on the nape of my neck pushing me down into the earth. i don’t need to share the weight. and i’m not afraid of them, but they are unnecessary, unerasable reminders on the path behind me. i am not claiming i won’t look back. but i’m trying to not let the things from my past falter my steps forward. there are a lot of things i could tell you about.

like all those sliced up thighs and thin red lines on my wrists and the time the only boy i ever loved telling me to turn around and never look back. there are a lot of things i could tell you about, you know ? my friend screaming at me to stop me doing something stupid and the night at the hospital i sat next to julien knowing that it was the last chance to say goodbye.

but i don’t think it’s something that i’ve got to do because those stories are just stories and their effect has already been filled.  i am what i am but i am filling into the details and i am still learning. like how i’m realizing how there’s something attractive in distance, to me. there’s something harrowing and beautiful about getting in the car and just going. which is what i do. often. and, one day, what i think i’ll do. i think, because of the ways that changed me, running as far away from things as possible and holding them at arms length feels right, even if it stifles the way my eyes shine, and the way i am trying, ceaselessly, to bridge all of these gaps and stitch up these miles. it’s not just about love. it’s about owning up to all of the things that i feel, which is something i am bad at and which makes my lips stutter and my hands shake.

so the things i’m learning to be brave about? they’re not about the suicides or the hasty goodbyes or leaving a home i thought i knew. and not about all those things that people shoot me sideways glances about. it’s about the feelings i tucked inside my chest and didn’t tell anybody about–not because i was ashamed but because i didn’t think they were relevant or that anyone cared.

so i’m growing up and still learning, and i’m getting to the place where words are always burning that the tips of my tongue. it feels a little uncomfortable, but how else am i supposed to deal? i’m gonna find a way to let them go. and it’s not brave in a “baring your soul for the world to judge” type way. it’s brave in a “finally becoming comfortable with being who you are and not letting anyone, namely yourself, tell you that there isn’t worth in that.”

i have been trying to be brave for a few years now and i do this over and over again every december… i have a little post it note on my bathroom mirror which says “become committed to being scared and being braver” and i’m gonna start living by it, or i’m going to be doomed to a life of sidelining myself, and only ever being brave for other people.

so i’m showing up here again with my heart on my sleeve and a handful of things i want to tell myself and to let go. i hope i’m ready to listen, i hope i’m ready to believe. it’s not a process, it’s not a step-by-step program. it starts the second i want it to, the second i step up, and that second, for me, is right here. right now.

hello again, december !

secretely

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/29/2017

i miss you.

in all those lines i have written to you, I breathed in my ‘i love you’s between those lines. i’m flawed and i haven’t found the right words to say, but i’m neatly tucking them all in an envelop, my all those disorganized ‘i love you’s…..

questions blooming like flowers on my fingertips and my heart keeps racking up these frequent flyer miles to your heart, and i keep biting my lip so hard that it turned raw. i tried to bury my sadness among my ribs; curse word prayers manipulating truth and remembering how to say ‘yes’. it would be a valentine’s day when i see you again as i await to whisper hello; ghosting the ache of space between us, and waiting to tell you my love stories as war anecdotes while holding you so close i could crawl inside your skin, and deep into your bones, and i will be happy.

but here in the gaping spaces that separate each of my fingers, there’s potential. in the crook of my neck and in the soft swell of my breasts and in the glistening pout of my lips and in the curve of my hips there’s potential. and there’s a soft promise across my collarbones that one day some one would kiss my words, touch my lips to music notes and memorize my body like a cartographer, so i should really stop wishing for it and just wait… to hold hands with you like old friends. it’s so easy to feel lonely and unlovable in gray winter times but here’s a potential too to find beauty in my solitude.

i wish i were seeing you tomorrow or that we made some plans. i wish you to be my valentine or that you were mine.

but this is all a secret.

thanksgiving 2017

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/22/2017

i did a lot of running around for a planned no-pants day. i should have been at home “working” with no-pants on but that wasn’t the case. last evening after i have left for the day, my boss and me got a message from a colleague reminding us to take care of something and boy, was i pissed to see that message… i was in the train half way home when i got the message and i felt like returning back to the office and slapping that person…but i replied politely saying that i will take care of it and as i couldn’t take care of it from home so i had to actually go into the office and i wasn’t pleased… it kind of disorganized my entire day which i carefully planned. but sometime best laid plans, etc. happens.

i went to a bjs (for people who don’t know, bj’s is a grand supermarket) to buy paper towels and toilet tissues. i use a lot of them on account of my kids and i go thru a lot of toilet tissue as i quickly figured out the dinky little face tissues are useless (and expensive) and so at home, i usually use the toilet tissue for my perpetual runny nose needs and for that reason i buy the softest possible tissues and i figured if they are good for my bum, they should be good for my nose as well… while i was looking around and price checking, this father with two young kids came by and he was teaching the oldest one (daughter) the knack of shopping… (for a moment, i got pissed that he is already training the girl to conform to societal norms like shopping and cooking and household stuff, but i calmed as she needs to learn these things and be independent anyway); and he was explaining why he is buying what he was buying and i met them down some other aisle where i was browsing and obviously, i was slightly interested in their saga… and he is shopping for the toilet tissue and guys, idk what this whole equations you see on the toilet rolls for eg:  8 mega rolls = 32 regular rolls and idk if i were correct in my understanding of toilet tissue equation ie they are talking about number of plies per roll.. and that the number of plies in a roll dictates the softness and the standard (regular) roll usually is 2-ply… for the reasons i mentioned above, i pick up the three or four ply because my bum (and my nose) deserves the softest tissue…

so this father’s explanation to the girl why he was picking up a $32 package of tissue (may be 12 or 16 rolls) because they can go farther… and i think he was so wrong in his calculation and correct me if i’m wrong…….. i don’t think just because it is softer than one ply or two plies, you don’t tear just one or two squares of tissue to wipe your bum.  and if one is counting number of squares and using only two squares, hmmmm, then we have a problem and in my opinion, keeping your naughty bits clean is vital, both in health and sex context (haha, fun fact – i actually wrote a guide to doggy style as my husband dared me); while this lesson was going on, the boy, obviously younger, checked with his father to make sure that this is the right tissue to use when he has diarrhea !

i finished my planned shopping and today my kitty boy felix actually got up and ate his scheduled meals which made me tear up slightly. this is the most happiest moment for a parent to witness – having a sick child recover and resume life. i still have another child who is under the weather, but nevertheless, small blessings, eh ?

i picked up some fruits for my crêpes and some persimmon and honeydew melon. now, persimmon is my favorite fruit and i especially love hachiya and alas, the ones i picked are fuyu, and i don’t find hachiya often and when i got home i immediately cut one and ate a piece and that one was still unripe and so my mouth felt puckery and blah as raw and unripe persimmons have tannins… i now patiently wait for my fruit to ripe.

i am set for the long weekend and the invitations and pressure to come and join x, y, and z people kept piling up and kept saying no… even my boss wanted me to come and join her family as she thought i would sit at home alone and depressed. i almost wept with joy for her thoughtfulness, but i declined the invite. well, i do wish i have another person to share my holiday but i am content. i have learned to pick myself up every time life knocked me down and i admit, falling in love with terry set me off-balance, but i will stabilize soon.

i have been analyzing myself lately and these are some of the points which leapt out….

it’s easy to put pressure on myself, to think that what i’m currently doing is somehow not enough when in reality its perfectly fine, and even wonderful sometimes; i have this list of things which i am doing, responsibilities i have undertaken at church or with friends, and have equations of sorts of what i am putting in and taking out. there are still outstanding matters on my list and they were there far too long, and but i breathe in and i breath out and i am holding myself together and stapled my innards so i won’t spill myself over and but still, at the end of it all, i feel like a deadweight and i sink into my pillow. there are many things i need to complete; this is not to say that i am not at my best; i am at my best it’s just that my source or power, happiness is dependent on me being able to breathe and i haven’t had enough time to breathe in lately.

i am a mess of post-its, loose papers, chaotic thoughts, things written down on scraps of paper, on my wrists; i sit in the shower thinking about things, and forgetting about things; i find myself in a strange place, neither here nor there, neither winter nor spring; an inbetween space between sighs and behind closed eyelids; my life, it seems is a brief pause, a comma and everything’s up in the air these days and i’m impatient and i feel like pushing the fast forward button.

when i sit and think about what is important to me, my well-being seems to the least important bit on the list; there’s work, my future, my relationships, my past, missing people, hurting for people, my mental well-being, my dancing, my health, my little body-mind kind of lounging off of on the couch; i’ve spent the past few months either utterly blissful or facedown in my pillow completely depleted off energy; it’s difficult for me to admit my own weaknesses or that i am not okay, but may be that the case; i am very much not okay and maybe i just need to let myself rest and take time for self-care and really get to the bottom of this asthma which is weighing me down.

i let the sun heal me, soothe me and my badass playlist keeps my heart beating, but i still feel like i am just surviving, barely scraping by enough, keeping my short-term-self happy by checking out books from the library and i just want to take a highlighter and underline all the things i read and i feel like melting all the poems and injecting them straight into my brain. may be i am bit of a mess, and may be in a strange way i enjoy it at times, but what’s taken me a very long time to realize is that this is not the me that i am when i’m my best. but this is okay as it always circles around and you start at the beginning again. fresh starts.

in any event, i am grateful for many things in my life and grateful to god, to my cats, to my parents, to my lovers julien & jace, and why not, to terry, to my mentors and friends, to my books, to ballet and to musique.

joyeuse action de grâces à tous !

books,cats and weekend

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

11/20/17

(bastet, the pretty one with her mama; tickles, the queen with my books)

today felt like a sunday and not like a monday on account i stayed home and worked… whenever i work from home, i take lots of selfies with my kitties and i took about a thousand selfies with the little one (bastet) till she got bored and ran away. but she rocked in this photo.

i have this habit of ordering from amazon (most of the time) and ebay and when the packages arrive i leave them in my living room unopened and they serve as little stools for my kids to sit on and jump around (and i give the boxes once i open them and they serve as their hiding and sleeping and scratching spots and i throw them out once they are completely destroyed) – this weekend i decided i would open a few of the boxes and much to my surprise i found these books which i must have ordered a while ago i guess and completely forgot and i have been meaning to go borrow these books from library and so now i can scratch that off from my to-do list. i was quite pleased with this find and literally squealed and jumped up and down a bit.  i’m especially thrilled because i wanted to read ‘the dinner’ for ages now but all the same, i love to read and this is like an unexpected surprise from me to me… nothing can beat this surprise of mine !

i also found my aromatic oil, ‘paris chic’, from france for my lampe berger and i then proceeded to fill out my lampe with this particular fragrance (i usually have ocean breeze) and lit it and i found that it smelt the same.

i am planning to hibernate this thanksgiving weekend (except sat when i go to church). and also i am hoping to stay home on wednesday as well and i am planning do my shopping for wood for the fireplace and necessary ingredients for making crêpes (and also a trip to william sonoma is also on the list, as they have a fabulous crêpes mix in case my batter turns blah) and from there go to the farmers market to get some fruits. i already finished food shopping for my kids and i just need to pickup insulin from my vet and if everything goes as planned ie nothing comes up to make me leave the house, i am planning to live on crêpes, light the fire place and fill the house with the aroma of burning wood and paris chic, and read my books (sad note: my bed lamp is broken and i am not gonna go shopping for that until after christmas or new year as i hate all these people milling about, looking insane and buying shit which they don’t need and thank god for internet and the convenience to shop from home but i’m not a fool to buy a $10 lamp and pay $20 for shipping costs and hence i need to sigh and made do without a bed lamp and i actually may have to sleep with the main light on or leave the comfort of warm bed and go trotting few steps to switch off the light… curses ! )

most of my kids have been sniffling and they have cold and i have been putting them on antibiotics and making sure that they were eating well and i was especially keeping a watchful eye on the kids who are more fragile and so i paid no attention to this one kid felix and when he was sort of hiding i thought he was getting cold as well but i haven’t made sure he was eating properly but i kept meaning to check on him and make sure i watch him eat. so on sat evening when i got home, i went to check on him with some food and sure enough he was not only not eating but also quite sick and i was in distress. i started him on antibiotics and force fed him a bit and syringed in some water.. now, i have a decision to make whether to make him further distressed by taking him to the doctors or continue to monitor him and i decided to keep monitoring him… and i don’t think he is out of the woods yet but he is finally coming round… aargh !

my other child, skittles is also on meds and so when i give her the pill, she pockets it in her cheek and then spits it out when i am gone… so i now i actually make her to show me her mouth so i can make sure she has swallowed it. skittles is super smart and i have feeling that she actually understands me. i mean like a human. usually pets reacts to some syllables and the intonation but my theory is that, that’s not the case. i think pets actually understand some words like a human and they know what the words are and my baby girl skittles is smarter and i know for a fact, my kids are way smarter than some children and well behaved.

i was supposed to have gone on a date but that turned out not the case… my sundays usually start around 8:30 with doing laundry, cleaning some stuff and running around doing chores… so this sunday was no different and i was doing chores and doing laundry and the italian emailed me to confirm that we are gonna be having dinner and i did reply yes and it was half hearted…  but i did make an effort and actually showered and picked out a nice dress… and i was humming and getting dressed and i was actually smiling and looking forward to going out and meeting this person and then i realized the painful truth that i was getting dressed as if i were going to meet the boy i love and i had to stop and actually sit down and think… who am i kidding ? after a good cry later i emailed the italian and told him something came up and i have to take a rain check and i apologized. he was ok and i probably have to go do the dinner thing sometime soon.

i stayed home and thought things through and gosh, i realized that i lost my focus and i need to refocus on things which are important. i’m not implying my boy is not but it’s like me craving for moon and all this pining for him is for a lost cause and he is unavailable (and even if he is, not sure i’m his type or he is mine for that matter) and we may not be great together anyway because i do have a fucking brain and so on so forth and what have you…. i have to refocus and continue to make goals and work towards them and may be my prince charming may find me. my mentor from church asked me to make a list of 7 characteristics which i am looking for in a man so we can pray each week and she is like, ‘if you put he should be french on the list i will hurt you..’ and i ask you, why not ? i am a romantic person and a passionate person. i need a man who is romantic and no, saying to me, drop your panties and get in the bed won’t do anything to me… he should serenade me or write me poems or buy me flowers for no good reason and a girl can dream of passion. can’t she ?

anyway, i have to take leave and y’all have a good night.

sweet dreams !

grace

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/18/2017

it has been a long week and i can’t wait for this week to be over. last night after our work out jack & i decided we want to go and eat at king tut’s in philly & i was speeding & got stopped by a cop. i was like oh no, as he was the same cop who stopped me for speeding a couple of months earlier. i was sitting there, in the car, twiddling my thumbs & hoping he wouldn’t recognize me because he didn’t give me a ticket last time. fyi, i get stopped a lot for speeding but no tickets. and no, i don’t show my boobs or bat my eyelashes and flirt (i’m a feminist); i just smile J and what can i say, this girl likes speeding & my lexus boy is tricked up to speed and drag race. so the cop came up to me & started lecturing me about not speeding, that i am pretty & that they (who are they?) all want me to live etc., etc., and i laughed out as it was quite funny; and he goes, “you are bmw x5 ! i thought i recognized you”; umm, that’s not my name but yes, that was me. well long story short, he wants to teach me a lesson, and he wants me to go to hearing in the traffic court & that he would tell the judge to let me off without paying the ticket. fine, whateves !

this week has been rough in terms of working out at the gym & i worked out long hours. i usually tend to tire myself out when i don’t want to think too much about my life or my feelings.

life is full of surprises and twists. full of happy little things & full of sad little things. this evening on the way to the super market to get a roast chicken for my kids and bananas & avocadoes for me (i’m a dancer & so i get cramped if i don’t have enough potassium) and i saw this father at the trolley stop, holding his little boy, singing to him and dancing & rocking gently with his son. this scene made me so happy. there’s something about men holding & playing with their kids. it looks so special. i especially love to look at the photos of shirtless men with little kittens or cats or little kids. and internet is full of them. i want to be a mum but i don’t think it’s gonna happen. or i’d be like sarah and i’d be in my 90s & my abraham would be in his 40s… J

at the market i also wanted to get eggs, so i was trying to pick up a carton of eggs, and this lady next to me says “take this one as this is half price and you get more eggs”. true but i am a vegetarian, i eat only free range eggs but she wouldn’t leave so i picked up what she told me to get & went around a whole aisle and came back to pick up my brand of eggs.

when i was checking out, there’s a lady who was talking to me about the avocados and i was telling her how good they are, and as a vegetarian i can’t do without this fruit. she fell silent & kind of glancing at my shopping & i explained to her that the roast chicken is for my cats. lol and note to self: don’t talk about me being a vegetarian when there’s a big fat roast chicken in my cart.

i always get into situations like this at the market. one time, i was getting fruit and this middle eastern jewish gentleman, with very thick accent told me that his wife gave him a list and on that list are clementines, and asked me if i’d help him find the clementines, so i abandoned my shopping to find his elusive fruit and soon after i realized that there is a whole clan of shoppers looking for his clementines. i soon trotted off home and i often wonder about what happened to the clementine story.

we all have a story to tell and sometimes we are honest with our stories and sometimes we are not. we have reminders and remainders at the end of it all… figurative paper cuts, invisible scars, noticeable bruises, dog-eared memory holders; sincere stories; unaffected stories; sometimes artless; sometimes tangible; sometimes raw;

my story is no different; it’s a clumsily written history; sometimes hard to read; sometimes sleepless nights; sometimes long drives to nowhere; sometimes coffee with cream and sugar; sometimes cuddles with cats; sometimes hikes in the mountains where the sun soaks my skin & soul; my words stumble & slip; and i paint careful details in between the breaths and syllables; my sense is irregular; my thoughts inconsistent; but i argue, a true story isn’t told or written. it’s felt.

the days i feel alive are few and far between but they are there. i had one today. i always feel as if i were enveloped in a jello so if i smile or cry it doesn’t matter. sometimes a carousel of happy memories spin and spin behind my closed eyelids. and whoosh, sadness comes when i wasn’t looking and takes away the feeling of laughter and all that mattered to me ceased to exist leaving me nothing but a broken heart.

last night, lying on bed, i was thinking this is it. this is what my life has come to; empty, scared and completely alone. it was one of those moments where you think to yourself that this is bad, and if you’re thinking that, you know it has to be bad. there is no solution, no escape, but to just keep going; stumbling, bumbling, tripping.

i smiled when i got this verse for my morning devotion; “i have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.” isaiah 43: 1. i want to put something together which my brain can’t comprehend and there are a million things running through it and all calling out at me and i am in such an awe to be told that i am his. god’s grace shines through my sadness and he truly is my light and sunshine, my homing beacon, my lighthouse in a tempest and he is my guiding star. i am so in love with him and when i try and put how much i love you into words i always come up short, because there are no words to explain that you are more than everything to me. i am unashamed in saying that i love my savior and my friend jesus christ and my relationship with god is on the top of my list of things to keep in a good robust state.

i look at the creation and the creation looks back at me. the moon shines on me, the wind carries away my worries; the mountains greet me by my name; my cats hug me & give me little love bites. i bow and worship and i whisper back to my god “vous avez fait les étoiles brillent juste pour moi”

lessons…

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/16/2017

it is such a nice day today and i loved my conversation with my boy… when i said my conversation, i made myself a total ass in front of him, but he was very patient and explained and i felt small… let me add that it is not entirely my fault as i only got half of the facts and sometimes presuming things is very dangerous… but thankfully, me checking with him is a good thing as he straightened things out for me.

but coming back to the conversation, i actually felt closer to him somehow, not just in my mind but for real, i mean i was comfortable with him for the first time and i was explaining something to him and he said something and i almost said “i think that’s because you are warm and sweet” and i had to stop myself and said something less inappropriate for a work situation. may be this is the reason why people say, don’t date a colleague… well, i don’t fucking care… if he wants me, he can have me. i think the problem (again) is me, as i am so goddamn afraid of my feelings for him, i put up barriers and i think i’m very self-destructive and i’m a walking ptsd and so everything i say to him comes out wrong and yes, it may rub people the wrong way and i feel like saying to him “i am sorry” like 1000 times / second but i think he already knows that i am not a mean person and god, i hope he realizes that. and also, today i was telling him “i am peculiar that way” and he laughed and said something to the effect that he already knew… side note: i’m not sure if my boy knows that i’m a christian in spite of the fact that i keep sabbath.. we had a christmas conversation today and he is like i celebrate christmas and i wanted to say, fine, but do you wanna go to church with me ? 😊 gosh, he makes me so happy !

i so need to grow up !

just so you know terry, i would like to carry you around in my shirt pocket !

my favorite officer tim at work cracks me up immensely. that is because he always plays hide and seek with me when he sees me waiting for him in front of his office. i may have mentioned this before, i consider him as my mentor, and on an intellectual level i am same as he, but he comes with more wisdom and with better people skills. on the other hand, i’m totally inept when dealing with people because most of the time they bore me. for that matter i think my boy as well is like that, you know more malleable and wiser… i’m wise but my problem (i think currently this is a problem) is that, i worked in a private sector before and i had all the power next to the ceo & president, in the sense that what i say happened… but now, it’s more democratic, much to my misery as i want things done my way… goddamn !

but as i always believe, everything is a learning experience and i need to grow and i am sitting on the board of a non-profit organization as a treasurer (i know right ? me still learning and who in the right mind puts me on a board ?) and all these experiences i’m learning are making me grow and more importantly, i am finding myself trusting my boy and getting comfortable enough which is also quite scary.

i went out with a bunch of work people as my boss dragged me to dinner and huh, it was a bit painful…people talked a lot about weird foods they ate (i got nauseous and gagged for the better part of my meal) and then i chose not to have dessert as it was already late and i won’t be going to gym tonight and tomorrow (sundown is at 4:44 pm) and everyone started explaining to me why they are eating the dessert (gelato) and i was thinking i don’t fucking care why or why not you are eating, plus i am overweight (just ask my ballet teacher) and i take my health quite seriously… just so you know, one can be skinny and be very unhealthy.

speaking of health, the other day i was jumping up and down in front of tim asking him who i go and complain re. all these smokers riding the elevators. scientific fact is third hand smoke (the clothes of a smoker) can be deadlier than if one actually smoke and i have asthma and three days in a row i was going up and down the elevators and every single goddamn time, smokers were riding the elevators and it was quite distressing… now, i take my health seriously. because of that i am a vegetarian, i go to gym, i don’t smoke or take alcohol (i don’t even take cough syrup with alcohol), i don’t eat anything out of cans, salt, sugar, etc., etc., but now i am in danger of getting lung cancer because some idiot who smokes and walks around with toxins on his shirt..

i just wanted to record my day as today was magic, i wish i have days like these and  i get to sit with my boy and just talk rubbish and laugh and be happy and i record this day, as the days i am really happy are few and far between… this week is long and tiresome and can’t wait for this week to be over and thankfully tomorrow is friday….

good night blog !

your face reminds me when i was old

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’ll write about the sounds of your heart and how i synced my heart to your rhythms… tonight the options are spread out before me, wondering if i should confess to you or just continue pretending that i won’t be aching for you and just stay silent staring deep into your eyes

i’ll write you in soft lines, and tell the world how my boy is so bright and smart with warm heart and pouty lips.. and how i wanted him since so many moons but was stopped by subtle fears and that he has someone else.

i want to talk to you about mysteries of old and of life, of me and that i’m not quite dull or stoney. i want to tell you that i’m not shy but that i want you to shine with your eyes so blue and so bright.

i want to tell you that i lost my youth along with the boy i loved with my all and all i have left are my eyes that are old in thousands of years.

i want to tell you that life happened and it happened a lot, and that we can share stories about spouses in each of our nests.

but lover, i got old and my life is at an end and i’m alone with no partner, dipping my toes in a lake full of memories and scribbling unfinished dreams in journal after journal.

then i found you, even before i noticed you, and my heart tells me you are mine, but i’m too old and wise to realize that it’s just a li’l dream of mine.

my story is ever so simple and wise, i just wove my heart into yours and threaded myself into your eyes and may be you’re my distraction or my lifeline.

maybe we don’t fit together right now but who knows, i may get to be your long-lost wife or a lover for a night or five.

i’m not sorry that i show you my eyes, and that i bare you my soul with inks so blue and fine and maybe you’ll give me a clue or two and maybe one day you will be mine.

 

Title credit: Telefon Tel Aviv

fragments

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

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tempest hair and i’ve new glasses and i can see clearly now and it’s a whole new non-blurry world and i don’t know what look i was going for but i look quite shady and devious…how cute do i look on a scale of 1 to “get those goddamn glasses off of your face” ?

the italian emailed me today as i agreed to have dinner with him and i gave all kinds of conditions and i actually told him that i’m pretentious and so good atmos is necessary.. haha

so this is his email:

“how are you today?  hope you’re having a good week.  i did a little research on restaurants in wayne, pa., particularly those friendly to vegetarians.  here is what i find.

1) autograph brasserie.  american/italian food.  looks like classy atmosphere.  reviews are very good.

2) anthony’s coal fired pizza: excellent pizza, sports bar atmosphere, family friendly, little loud.

3) margaret kuos:  asian/japanese food.  good reviews.  surprising amount of meat on menu.

i’ll mention there is also a bonefish grill in king of prussia (bit further for you) which is pretty good.  nice atmosphere.  and lastly, there is a place in wayne called “a taste of britain” (thinking you’ll like this), but it’s closed on sundays.  perhaps we can save this for our 2nd outing? 🙂  let me know what you think of the other choices.”

folks, this is how scientists write… haha i mean, he actually researched on good restaurants lol i swear i laughed so much when i read this email and he def. gets points for making an effort… god I hope he doesn’t fall in love with me… :/

just so you know anthony’s is out…i’m thinking kuo’s or autograph

today is a good day ‘cause i just spent over two hours screaming at my computer & at philly orchestra website, & something like a million error messages & four meltdowns later i’ve tickets and i’m going with really fucking wonderful and awesome friends and i’m seeing really good music live, so i’m happy, yes.

i had a brief chat with my boy, terry… yes i know, i know… i am trying to cut the cord with which i tethered myself to him. but it’s a bit hard, you know. one can’t just forget what a heart longs for just like that and as badly as i would want to get over him, laa dee daa, can’t and my heart leaps and dances when i see him… gosh, i love him so…  i should be shot ! when i see him, all my resolutions evaporate as quickly as fog evaporates when sun comes out…. anyway, i think me dating someone else may actually help me but i shall be careful and not make anyone fall for me and also the italian will be the first american boy i would be dating, so he should be proud.

oh, my chat with the boy with blue eyes… he is coming to my neighborhood tomorrow and i was royally ticked off with this management group because my neighborhood is really nice one and i don’t understand how corporate events can be organized in such places but whatever… he was like you live there don’t you and i said yes but i didn’t tell where exactly i live.. this place a bit away from my house and our neighborhood is quite tricky and its literally the other side of railway tracks kind of a deal but i live in a posher side of the tracks than where this banquet / corporate event place is… but i love my little town…  it’s not exactly idyllic but it’s not a city and i can run into city in 30 mins (given the traffic)..

if i were to be honest with myself, i actually want to leave my job and i was looking at the job offers in my inbox but i am like caught between rock and stone, because i gave my word to my boss. in the meanwhile i will continue to countdown the years and time does fly quickly… one year down, four to go.

i didn’t go out tonight (gym) because my kids all have sniffles and i have to be extra careful with a couple of them as they have health issues already and this weather is goddamn fickle and i am severely angry with the /weather. i just have to watch over them extra careful and feed them with my fingers because they can quickly deteriorate if they don’t eat and they don’t eat if they can’t smell..

well so the night begins with me drinking in my dreams, and trying to reach the stars which crumble with the touch of my fingers and i swallow their dust and breathe out golden words and they echo and scream and birth a new reality….

night night mes chatons !