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First Snow 2024

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2024 started slowly for me. I’m mentally exhausted the first few days as I’ve been tightly wound-up because of my missing boy Minnou and now that he is back, I’m trying to relax my sadness away and it is quite exhausting. It’s a feeling between relaxation and exhaustion. And on the top of it, I have to get back to work, and I was a bit tense to leave the kitty boy home because he is still not yet fully recovered and not eating a lot. But cats are resilient and they have this zest to live and survive, so I’m kind of ok.

There was much talk about the impending snowstorm forecasted for today (1/6) like the skies are gonna fall off. Whenever there is talk of snow, even like a itty bitty nano-inches worth, the grocery stores are out of everything. I’m pretty sure everything was cleared off the shelves but I haven’t been to the store. Why do people panic so much whenever there is news about snow or heavy rain, and behave like it’s end of times ? Like, please, unless you have small children, you can survive a few days without food. I was slated to go to church today as per usual and I debated if I should or not, but I did go as it’s the first Sabbath of the year and didn’t want to start the year without gratitude, as you know, I have much and many reasons to give thanks, at the top of the list would be for bringing my kitty boy back home.

When I started out it was slightly flurrying which melted before we could say “hey it’s snowing” and after church, I checked the weather and it was like “heavy snow”. I was like, oh I need to be careful when I drive and then I walk out of the sanctuary and NOTHING. I knew that we probably won’t see much, if any, accumulation but I was expecting a “heavy snowfall” to make an appearance. I got home and took photos as an evidence. See what I mean !!  

And it wasn’t even a proper snow. It was snow-sleet, where it starts off as snow but then partially melts and freezes into ice when they enter the warm air like the current circumstances. No self-respecting snow would call all the white stuff on the ground as snow. After sundown, I went out with a broom to clear off the icy slush from the stairs as we use the stairs (my kitty boys and me) and I didn’t want to slip and break something, as I’m sure come morning, my boys want to get out.

adieu 2023

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(12/30/2023) I think it’s John Keats who said “Touch has a memory”. I miss my cat Minnou, and the head bumps he gave. I’m profoundly sad as my cat Minnou who went out to wander on Christmas morning hasn’t returned. Not sure what happened to him. I walked around the neighborhood looking for him, but as I don’t know where he goes, or how far he ventures, it was really a futile effort. All I can do right now is search my community web page, local SPCA web page to see if someone turned him in. I’m clinging to the hope that he is ok, may be someone caught him and kept him and may be he is lost his way as he ventured out too far chasing a rabbit. I considered it an acceptable risk to let my cats go wandering considering the small span of life they have and I gave importance to their happiness above all else. So here’s to the hope that he would come back to me someday and he is still in our family prayers.

Update (12/31 – 1:20 a.m): Minnou came back. I went to bed around 12 a.m. and woke up to a loud meow and there he was, he came home !! my heart felt like it’s going to explode with the joy, sadness, relief and all sorts of emotions. I hugged him tightly and gave him two cans of food. He lost weight and he is clearly traumatized. I don’t think he was hurt, but he is just got lost. He is sleeping now and I think he is running a little fever. But I want him to recover so I’m not taking him to a vet yet. He stirs a bit in the sleep meowing and I’m calling out to him assuring him that I’m here for him. By the time I went back to bed it was 5 a.m.

Shout out to 2023 – We have survived this year. This is a shoutout to people who started their 2023 in a bad place. Who felt like things were already out of control so early on this year. Who started the new year in pain, in grief, in fear. Remember that most things in life are temporary, and even when the sadness feels overwhelming, it isn’t all you have, and your suffering doesn’t make you less worthy of love

As we are about to start another year and y’all say it with me. I’m about to walk into a soul nourishing year and will make it a most successful year. It is worth to remember some of the many reasons why it is special to be alive. Bats hear shapes; plants eat light; and bees dance maps. We must hold all these ideas at once and feel both heavy and weightless with all this beauty and the absurdity of it all.

As Ann Lamont said, gorgeous, amazing things come into our lives when we are paying attention. To overcome my dull ache and sadness as I was missing minnu, I turned to Bach and a big fat chocolate mousse cake (this is store bought and not from a French patisserie, so it’s not that rich). I always turn to Bach. I spent endless lonely nights with him. There are some pieces of music you always return to when you want peace. When you want to slow down. When you want to relax. Those musical pieces are formative experiences in your lifetime. You connect with them.

Bach must have known how something flutters away when you turn to face the face you caught sideways in a mirror in a hall at dusk and how the smell of apples in a bowl can stop the heart from beating for an instant; and the stars of ice that spread across the window panes and everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music. The musical urge to hear and know until I merge with the dynamics of it all and become my own unique modern day symphony.

On 12/29, I joined a face book page called “West Chester – What was that noise” because our neighborhood has been reporting some big booms with no known source or a concrete explanation. I mean these are like large, noisy booms where the earth shakes, etc. I have been curious for a while now even though I have yet to experience the noise first hand, but as it is my neighborhood thought i would join the fun and read through the explanations.

Time, by slowly working in lengthy durations, has updated memories; erasing all the pain, leaving only smiles to reappear, and helping joys to lean into the shadows; drawing tiny suns there at leisure.

This year has been a year of growth. I learnt to have more room for life, more learning for fun, more taking care of myself. It felt vulnerable at time. But we (I) experienced it all, with strength, perseverance, and love. It’s ok if everything wasn’t amazing. We had good memories and accomplishments despite the rough patches. Here’s to a lovely, full banner for the coming year as well !!

Merry Christmas !!

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Joyeux Noël à tous !

I hope everyone is enjoying these winter holidays as I’m. Most of you celebrate Christmas tomorrow, so Merry Christmas you lovely bunch ! I hope you have a glorious day with your loved ones (or alone !). I know holidays with family can be stressful and hard and sometimes not so nice, so take care of yourself, make sure you’re having some alone time if needed, eat, drink and rest !!

Christ is all about hope, miracles and unconditional love. If you’re alone these holidays or facing bad circumstances, don’t forget to have hope. Good things do happen and will happen in your life as well, so believe it. May your days be filled with love, joy and peace !!

Though I acknowledge the birth of Christ, I don’t particularly care about Christmas celebrated in December, as the majority of the world would have it, because of it’s roots in paganism. (for eg. Christmas tree). And if you want to know, the actual birth of Christ falls somewhere around end of September. So, I’ll be living here on my blog distracting myself from the chaos that is my tiny apartment. I did book a two hour massage as a treat for myself on boxing day (Dec. 26). Eagerly looking forward to it.

Unfortunately, we don’t have any snow, and I’m hoping at least the gray skies, pregnant with clouds and mist can help create a wintery atmosphere.

Merry Christmas, Merry Everything, You are loved !!

Dec. 22, 2023

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Once you realize you don’t have to do a lot of things or for that matter anything at all, life becomes really simple. Every little spare moment I have, I dedicate it to frolicking with my cats or reading books or journaling. I can cook but I don’t usually. I can clean, but I don’t usually. Well, all that is necessary but I don’t usually bother.

I watched Maestro (Bradley Cooper’s) movie on Netflix while I laid down next to Sonu, as he was slightly moping. I love the way Sonu inserts his paw into my hand (see the pic)…  

I adore the little nugget ! I’m conflicted about this movie. Not because of the story, and Bradley Cooper was glorious, but because I didn’t know the personal stuff about Leonard Bernstein till this movie. I feel that we shouldn’t know about the personal crap about our heroes or those who we respect. As they were (are) also human beings, they will disappoint you tremendously. The same thing happened about Ayn Rand, who wrote Fountain Head, and Atlas Shrugged,  I was like adoring her till I read the biography and of course about Charlie Rose… Really !! I’m not comfortable to also not to acknowledge if they have any predatory patterns, but it’s so disappointing, isn’t it ? But on the other hand, I also learned great things from (auto)biographies of people like Lee Iacocca (former President of Ford), Sam Walton (Wal-Mart founder), Nick Leeson (Rogue Trader).  Best thing I learned is Sam Walton’s how to get revenge on people when they piss you off. Oh well, I dusted off my personal distaste of this movie by listening to some Handel’s Messiah !

Today (12/21)I had to post something to my family in india, and also to get some chicken for my boy, so I actually put on my pants and went out. Apparently, a truck with untucked equipment went under a low bridge of a major highway near my house and damaged the bridge and thus two highways were cordoned off and all the bloody traffic flowed into a highway, near my house which is usually very traffic-less. So I had to find alternate routes to get this couriered off via fedex and then went wading in the traffic to a KFC to get chicken for my boy Sonu as he has been moping that I’m not getting him chicken. Got home and found that the Chewy box came with my kitties nourishment, so went down to bring the heavy box up and I had to rest, half way on the stairs. One of the girls’ boyfriend in the apartment across mine, helped to bring the box up.  Update: Yesterday the police dept. posted this note saying the routes are now open: i admire the person who wrote this note. lol

After finishing up chores like feeding the kitties, clearing some stuff and cooking (yes, I do cook), I finished watching the Swedish series on Netflix, A Nearly Normal Family. It is really well done and I may even read the book to explore some emotions, a little bit triggering if you have anxiety like I do, and also trigger warning as it has rape, but gosh, while shattering and defining what it means to be a family and the dynamics of family in crisis are depicted really marvelously. I also learnt that Swedish justice system works differently than American justice system.

The fact that 2023 is nearly over is actually causing me a bit of anxiety and made me face how much I dissociated mentally and how alienated I was from my own self. I feel like I’m still asleep and just walking through life dazed. The flicker of life which got ignited by the Stranger and is warming me up slowly and helping me from going into full zombie mode. I just need to live in the moment like the animals do. I clustered the forgiving silence in my chest and let it set and fester deep down, causing a certain rot; which I let to grow enough to reach deep through my ribs to where my heart longed to be touched, even if by rot. Now that my heart is lifeless, aged but softened. Perfectly decayed enough to be tender. I just simply need to break off the mold.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Just need to wake up and reap the rewards ! Darling, it’s time to live !

Bazaar

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I want to tenderly smooch everyone ! I’m planning to work on tenderness towards myself and try and be a vegan in 2024. It has been in the works for ever and not sure if this would work even now. But I figured, making plans aren’t going to do any harm.

As I previously acknowledged, meeting this Stranger changed me, which is really surprising to me.  Even though, sometimes I burst into tears because of the uncertainty and absurdity of it all, I’m filling my life with colors and smiles. If I were a cartoon, a butterfly or two would be fluttering around my beaming face. I’m breaking into smiles for no apparent reason and freely exchanging them with others and I’m immensely happy. Should I feel guilty about this ?!

Or is this what you might call an OCD dream ? It’s like he’s my ultimate escape from reality. I don’t know what attracts me to him. I’m so drawn to him, and unless I’m completely mistaken, he is also attracted to me. It’s like two souls unconsciously recognize each other and are drawn to each other for their survival. I’ve had crushes before, even with a guy at my work but you know, this time it’s different. While my other crushes were fleeting, this Stranger is a goddamn knight on a white horse !

The other day (12/5) while driving to work, the traffic was terrible, so my car & I weren’t making much progress speedwise. My car navigator which I leave on even though I know the route, kept repeating “the traffic is heavy for some reason, but this is the fastest route”. It cracks me up to no end. Anyway, I was crawling along and I looked at this car in the next lane and there was a teenage boy in the backseat, and the boy and I both looked at each other and we burst into laughter ! it was so strange but also so featherweight and so fresh and so innocent ! and this filled me with sheer joy like you can’t put a price on it. the boy looked more like the aborigines or maori –

My cat, Minnou, will only drink from faucets, and that too from the faucet which I’m currently using. Some mornings it’s extremely irritating and disruptive especially the mornings when I’m rushing to go to work. I have to personally accommodate and pander to this little furry rogue’s hydration needs when there are perfectly good drinking water all over my place; a water fountain, two bowls of water (on the floor next to the fountain and dry food bowls), a bowl in the sink in the kitchenette (I use the term loosely) and another in the bathroom. (I’ve this irrational fear that if I get into an accident or die, at least my cats won’t die of hunger or thirst). If I’m using a sink either in kitchenette or bathroom, I remove the respective bowl, but there he will be, his royal highness, demanding water.  I tried to entice him to using other multitude bowls by buying various bowls of metal, ceramic; not even remotely close and a cigar wasn’t on the cards.  Sonu, on the other hand, is a kitty, who gets his hydration exclusively by eating wet food and he has no need for water. And the days when he demands to drink water, I know it’s time to make a trip to the vet because he will be running a low grade fever. And he would only drink water at the kitchenette sink, where I’ve to present him the bowl of water, with the kitchen faucet open slightly and then, he will proceed to drink his water while staring at the steady stream of water out of the faucet. Weirdo !

As I’m on vacay, I was clearing out junk while eating junk and singing to my cats, old hindi songs which I grew up with and now and then breaking out into little dances and thus confusing my cats but they are polite, civilized and gentlemanly and put up with their mama !

I’ve been observing this phenomenon and am not quite sure if I’m remembering things wrong or have completely lost it. Like I remember watching some movies and I could swear I watched them with my husband but when I look at the release date, it’s released after his passing. So I’m like, this is not possible. I can understand one movie, but a lot of movies are like that and I’m baffled. I know sometimes, I would be watching some stuff and if it is interesting, I’m like, I should tell Jace (my husband) about this. So, may be that’s how I’m remembering that I watched it with J, who the fuck knows ?

 Anyways, today (12/20) I watched a hindi movie called “Bazaar”, the cultural theme is truth based even though the story of the movie is a fiction, and cried my little eyes out; Ugh, it’s such a sad movie and I watched it when I was a child and this movie is basically set in my city Hyderabad and it is quite sad where barely legal girls (especially muslim) from poor background were sold by the parents as commodities because they need the money; obviously it’s not called “selling” because we live in a hypocritic society and so we observe basic social norms and cultural values. So while it’s not okay to call it “selling” and this is unacceptable term, but it becomes acceptable and respectable even if you call it “marriage”. But the truth of it all is, it’s more like “marrying” these girls to men who can be their fathers or grand fathers because they have money, and they can buy the girls. It is a terrible thing and I don’t understand why poor people think of tethering themselves to social norms, when society doesn’t save them. False pretenses, fake respect is all they live for.

I’ve been thinking a lot about storytelling, or penning them down in some space like this, so I can share a late night with the Stranger, may be while eating cakes and having coffee; like they do in the stories while sitting in the kitchen (I got no kitchen in this tiny apartment, so we probably will sit on the metal stairs); I’ve been thinking about penning memories as a way of preservation of myself, as a way to remember a moment in another way, taking up root and growing into a legacy.

We all have stories to tell and sometimes we find nice ways to frame our stories. The moral of this story sharing with Stranger or any tale is whatever we tell ourselves. Lies also can fit as perfectly as shards of broken glass when we take clues and glue back each jagged edge back to the original shape with a cracked view.

holidays 2023

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Thankfully it’s Christmas season, I’m off for two weeks, come tomorrow. This should give me enough time to calibrate my emotions and bring them to neutral. Though I’m mortified to admit, I’m not that surprised to find I’ve feelings for this Stranger at work.

Some mornings there is a thick mist or fog and it feels like the entire planet is covered up by soft cotton. After feeding my cats, I sit on the metal stairs with a hot mug of coffee and contemplate my life. I can feel emotions happening to me and no, no, no, I don’t like it. I’m feeling like my old self again now a days. And I should really thank this stranger !

The tall, dark, handsome stranger and I keep dancing around each other in circles. I feel like I’m having a déjà vu, you know, that feeling that you’re going through something new, but it feels strangely familiar. It’s as if you’ve been in this situation before because you’ve been there with (or as) someone else who faced something similar. Now that it’s happening to you, it’s like revisiting and rereading an old story, but this time, you’re the main character in a play you once watched from the sidelines. Pretty strange, right ? I don’t know about him, but I’m thinking I’m being very idiotic about this because i don’t know if he is married or has a girl friend ! I don’t want to lust after someone who is married or otherwise engaged and thus break a commandment, but as I don’t know who I should ask at work, I’m sorely tempted to march up to him and demand that he show me his hands ! But as that’s not going to happen, I’m carrying around the fragile pieces of my broken heart clumsily put together. I’ve been writing him letters which I have no intention of sending them to him or posting them online. As much as I love this feeling of being in love, I’m so afraid of getting hurt so I’m keeping them boxed in and writing letters is so cathartic. And I’m also hoping that these feelings would neutralize themselves with the said exercise.

Speaking of déjà vu, I was reading up on déjà vu and about the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and his philosophy about how we are spiritual beings having human experiences which is complete bullshit. While I feel psychology is helpful in some matters, it has some weird philosophies and theories and it has a lot to answer for the degradation of humanity and civilization !

For a few years now, I’ve taken up my mum’s Christmas tradition. Every Christmas (and other holidays to be honest), even though we distributed eatables, and cakes to our friends and neighbors on boxing day (Dec 26), my mum also invited poor people from slums for dinner. Well, I don’t know any slums which exist near me, but I have taken up on buying and bringing dinners for homeless people I meet on the street. I also give gifts to my mail room people and my office building’s security people. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart but because my parents did it and I want that tradition to continue in their memory. My parents raised me right. In India we have beggars who come round going from home to home and begging. And I remember this incident very well. My mother always cooks the correct amount of food so we won’t have any leftovers as we don’t really have a concept of leftovers. And she always prepares a bit more for beggars during the days she goes to work. But one day during summer holidays, I think there was a visitor and my mother ended up having some left over rice and curry, so when this beggar came around in the morning, my mother wanted to give them to him. My father was so angry and I remember this very vividly, he said “I don’t even feed my dog the leftovers and I can’t believe you are offering this to him”. So my poor mother ended up preparing fresh meal while the beggar and my dad chatted over a cup of coffee !

 Also, I feel guilty because I spoil my cats rotten and my cats have much better life than most of the poor people. I figured I won’t need that much money as I can’t take it with me when I die and of course, God will provide me with what I need !!

It rained a lot for the past two days and most of the creeks, small rivers, flooded the streets. As it is Monday, I stayed home and worked while listening to J.S. Bach’s partitas (played by Glenn Gould) and Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Ahhh !! yes, this is my favorite combination. Coffee, research and existential dread !

Thanksgiving 2023

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Grâce à tous ! I spent the thanksgiving day wondering if the chest pains I was having were caused by asthma or if I were having a heart attack. Even though the chances of me having a heart attack are slim, who the fuck knows about the causes of having one. I am used to having chest pains but usually it’s because I coughed a lot trying to clear phlegm from my air ways or my chest was congested and tight, so on and so forth. So I wondered if I should go to ER or just wait and see if it becomes worse and me being lazy won the coin toss and I stayed put, watching the moving “Fair Play” on Netflix.

I have mixed feelings about this movie and it made me feel uncomfortable and I wanted to scream (especially to (at) the woman), like why are you allowing this ? I think they (story tellers, or directors) wanted to portray the female is a fragile and weak, about the gender inequality in workplace and how women are subdued. Sorry if I’m giving out the plot; briefly it’s about a couple who work in the same financial firm and supposedly in love with each other and can’t get enough of each other. Then the woman gets promoted and the happy notes turn sour and panicky, the power dynamics shift and they portray the man is a loser and that the woman becomes powerful, while trying her best to salvage the relationship and help her man. This may strike true to many people and but not to me. I feel, that this is 2023 and not the middle ages where woman doesn’t have to be in an abusive relationship, especially if she has a job and is making more money than her partner. I don’t get it. Why are women so needy to have a man in their life ? and don’t get me wrong, I’m all for companionship and having tons of sex but not at the cost of an abuse (emotion or otherwise). In order to make her boyfriend feel like a man, she tries to initiate sex with him when he is clearly acts like a first class moron. And this in itself tells you that this is not a very stable relationship because clearly that man needed a woman to suck his dick like a hole in his head. What he needed was some therapy and if it failed, committing him to an institution. I mean, he insults her, saying things purely with an intent to hurt her emotionally, things like that she only got her promotion because she is a woman and that she probably had sex with her boss. I would have slapped him silly and threw him out or moved out. Like really, it annoys the fuck out of me why women sit down and take this sort of abuse and I wonder if this is even true in this day and age, because I can’t picture myself in that position. I would never sit quietly if someone is disrespectful, even if I were not in a powerful position, like this woman, who was making tons of money and just got $500,000 check as a commission. She even tries to prove that she is just like one of the guys, by going to a strip club acting like a jackass. Why, seriously, why ? Women, you don’t have to act like someone you are not to prove yourself to someone.  Of course, this goes to men as well. If anyone is in an abusive relationship, emotional or physical, get out. If you are not strong enough, write to me. I will come get you out. I strongly recommend everyone to read “Fountain Head” by Ayn Rand. Towards the end of the movie, which slowly morphs into a low class horror flick, she wakes up and it was again a bizarre ending; like oh wow, they went off the rails here. Anyway, it was positively a waste of my time, I feel though many might not have the same effect; but I have to finish it because of my OCD. The only line which I liked the best was “now wipe the blood off my floor, and get out. I’m done with you now” and I secretly wished she had said that soon after her promotion; but then again, there won’t be a movie. lol

In the middle of the movie, I remembered how I almost choked to death the day before, while happily munching on a brownie and sipping diet coke, and watching “sommerdahl murders” (Danish) and because I was in reposing in a weird way, the brownie, diet coke mix went into my wind pipe and I ended up choking and coughing A LOT. Hence the chest pains…. Having determined that it wasn’t heart attack, I took an advil and fumed over the rest of the movie.

I’m typing this out while watching the Sunday football (Patriots lost yet again #facepalm). I always thought the face of Trevor Lawrence, Jaguars QB, is interesting as it reminded me of something but not sure what. As I just looked up, he was on the screen and I now remember what he reminds me of. His face is exactly like an “Easter Island Idol” face. Same lines and profile like the Idols. May be he has some ancestry to that of those Easter Islanders.

Yet again, I have joyfully deflected all invitations and have not gone to anyone’s house. This is repeatedly becoming a problem for me as I am lying to everyone, like I will tell y that I am going to x’s house and I tell x that I am going to y’s house. I don’t have a good grasp of family dynamics and it was bad enough when I was dealing with my own family and honestly, I don’t have enough patience to deal with someone else’s family. I’m grateful that they are still inviting me but they think that I’m sitting in a corner and am being miserable. But I’m probably having more fun than them. I enjoy sharing my solitude with my cats and books. When bored, I watch some murder mysteries or news. Yes of course, loneliness is inevitable but it’s irrelevant.

I got a roast chicken for my cats and it probably would be the last time for a while as I am wondering if roast chicken is the culprit to one of my cats rash. Sonu has a rash little skin bumps and I spent almost $1200 on him at the vets to figure this out but no result. So I am doing the research myself.

This is a cold, rainy Sunday but in my mind, it’s still the height of summer, summer like may be in some old city with it’s ruins, and sun baked dusty roads, bustling streets under a blazing sun.

In the meantime, if you could, leave the book open. Leave yourself wanting for more. Offer up a late night with a side of a cup of coffee. There could never be enough words. Even if no one turns on the music and no one dances, even if it’s not all rainbows and magic, there will still be remembrances like the quiet hum of a fridge in the middle of the night.

Hello ? Hello ?

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It’s 2023 !! to be precise, it’s November 16, 2023. So i’m back. And hopefully i will continue to write. It sucks not being to write but as per usual life happened as it always does to everyone of us. I had to vacate the house i was living in 2022 because my landlord wanted to sell and i had to hurriedly look for a place, but it was hard as the rents were going up and so the apartments were gone even before i went to check it out. I finally found a place but it was a tiny studio but i took it because i didn’t want to spend time looking and feared that if i dawdle, this would go away as well. I moved in with six of my kitties having lost the rest of my babies between 2022 and the time i moved. Since then, i lost three more. So now i have one senior kitty (bleu) and two young boys (minnu and sonu). i will post photos of the kids soo

My apartment is immensely small even for a studio and i am swimming in my clothes. I brought all my clothes to this tiny room hoping that i will weed out the unnecessary ones and keep the necessary ones. That didn’t quite happen. On the top of it, i am buying more clothes. i live on 4th floor and this house doesn’t have an elevator as the house was built in 1850s and it’s a beautiful house. i have a fire escape next to my alice in wonderland type window. the window opens on to the ledge of fire escape where i put some plant pots. during nice days i sat on the stairs reading books as i can’t keep going up and down due to my asthma.

However, i am letting my two young boy cats go and roam out as i felt sorry for the kids. I mean, we always lived in a very big house and to transition into this small studio, i myself got really claustrophobic for a couple of weeks, and i can only imagine the little ones, full of energy has no place to move or run. When we first moved in, i put them on leash and did bring them to our yard and walked them. Soon it became a problem for me, as my allergies set in and my asthma kicked in. So i let them go to wander and crossed my fingers and said a silent prayer to God to protect them. But these two kids are really good and taught themselves to watch out for the traffic and i am not sure how far they go, but they are happily wandering. I am keeping their vaccines updated just in case. The window is now open irrespective of the temps and they go out first thing in the morning around 5 am and go in and out all the times , coming in to eat and if the weather is too hot or cold, just sleep and go out again during evening. They adjusted to this life and i am happy to report they come in when i call / whistle so i know for sure they are always hanging about the house even if i can’t see them. They keep bringing me presents, baby rabbits, birds, baby birds, moles or garden mouse; and to my dismay they bring them alive with no scratches or bites. While i am happy they are not killing these critter, my problem now is, i have to hurriedly put on my pants and bring these animals / birds back into the garden to release as i don’t want to keep them and thus keep going up and down the stairs which i desperately wanted to avoid.

The year itself didn’t start off right for me; this house is multi family which means the house was divided into independent apartments and so apart from me there are 7 more apartments and most of them are single with three couples. one of the single guy who lived on the ground floor od’d on some drugs and passed away. We didn’t know this for two or three days and it was really sad because there was a dog in the house and he barked his head off. Finally he was found and for a while there, it was really hard to stay in the house. I was especially ticked off as i just moved in and i spent so much money for moving etc and i am like, i would like to move but i have no money to spend again for moving. But as it usually happens, we slowly recovered from that incident. and the apartment is now occupied again.

We started going back to the office for work and we are still getting used to it. I think i will say good night for now and will catch you up tomorrow.

Good night all you lovely internet people !!

Et Bonne Année 2022

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I have been meaning to post this blog since 2021 but then got distracted, side tracked and also not to mention it’s so hard to type with a broken keyboard.  I have now 5 laptops with broken keyboards and this is because of my cats who jump on them or deliberately walk on them with no regard to someone else’s personal property.  I so love them all the same.  Anyhoo, here I’m typing on my mobile phone.

Terrible years really make you understand the point of a new year. I don’t think nothing much will have changed between December 31 and January 1.  But there is a need to partition off everything that’s happened to us, and take a moment to say ‘that’s done, I’m done with it, it’s over’ and have a little hope that the future will be different. Take a little breath and sing, in the middle of the winter and prepare for spring. 

Personal update: we are still in Pandemic but I’ve never been happier. Mind you, in 2021 April-May time I lost a lot of my cousins to Covid and it was brutal. But as I believe in God (Christ) vehemently, He took this and helped me to become stronger and bolder. I’ve had gloom surrounding me since my husband’s death in 2014, so this came as a relief. I have to thank God and as we reflect 2020 and 2021, we must look at the ways God has been with us and blessed us.  As those years wound down and we look to the new year, and recount God’s wonderful deeds. 

Currently I’m broke financially speaking, what with my cats’ medical needs and and my expensive plant collection and other investments.  But I’m thinking, hopefully by the end of this year I should stabilize i.e. if I don’t go and buy more unicorn plants (I may have to sell my kidneys !!)

I’ve been watching a lot of shows, documentaries, as you all as well I’m sure, most of them are in French, German or Swedish. I recently watched Apple Tree Yard (British) and The Wall (German) and man, I was traumatized!! I was physically sick after watching them and this maybe because I wasn’t expecting the story to twist that way or whatever, and so it felt like someone punched me in my gut. I had to break off of watching the shows for a week or so and get well & went back to finish watching them.  

Sadly the very lovely boy Gaspard Ulliel, French actor, passed away and my heart ached a lot !! 

And keeping in with the same subject of films snd TV programs, and actors, a Swedish actor Mikael Persbrandt took my breath away. There are many beautiful people but this guy is stunning. Like you serious would fall for him immediately. In general, I don’t like blonde men, or very pale skinned, or high cheekboned, etc but though he has all those, he is someone from my fantasies. Maybe he just has that fantastic combination of seductive smile, bad boy swagger and good looks !! Too bad he has a girlfriend  or a wife !! lol 

The show “the Expanse” came to an abrupt end and I scratched my head !! I’m like What the F ?! I must say that’s one perfect show where the story, the actors and the scenes just mesh !! I vented to my colleague at work as he and I share this love for sci-fi stuff and also stargazing !! We decided we may have to buy the books and read the ending. 

I’m immensely pleased that my patriots have a good future as Mac Jones joined the team !! As I predicted Buccaneers are out which makes me happy as I consider Tom Brady a traitor for leaving the team !! At this point I don’t care who wins but I think I’m rooting for Bills or San Fran 49ers.  

Warriors are doing very well and hopefully they continue to do well and not be out with injuries and they need to get the NBA championship so yours truly can smile her most seductive smile !! 
Also, honestly sometimes it’s annoying when one speaks two or three languages (like me) and when you type fast you hit that globe button accidentally and you type something which is nonsensical and you realize that after sending it !! 

Winter is full on and though not snowing that much, it’s bitterly cold. I wake up on these mornings, watching blades of sun light on my indoor plants, sipping orange juice  while I wait for the bread to pop out of the toaster and coffee to brew. I read somewhere a while ago that we waste most of our time while waiting, in expectation, in not-doing something. Like at a checkout line or at a traffic stop. I have my buttered toast and sunlight; kitties & me in my warm flannel nightie, look out of the French doors (windows ??) with content and in silence watching the birds fly in to eat their breakfast. The rats also come to eat the bird seed I put out for the birds and I swear they plumped up !!  I haven’t figured out how to leave water to these creatures as the water keeps freezing. For now I’ll cherish all these memories lest they fade.

“Le silence est le lieu privilégié de l’émotion. Avant de parler, pendant les quelques secondes où on réfléchit à ce qu’on va dire, c’est peut-être là qu’on montre une partie de son âme. 
Silence is the privileged place of emotion. Before speaking, during the few seconds when we think about what we are going to say, it is perhaps there that we show a part of our soul.” – Gaspard Ulliel, French actor (1984 – 2022)

week 16 – shelter in place

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

sitting on the kitchen counter, eating salted caramel ice cream (vegan of course) and listening to bach. i call that self-care

it’s been a while since i got to blog. my brain was taking notes but i didn’t get a chance to actually put them somewhere tangible. so life is going by with no ripples of any kind and i settled into a new pattern and enjoying life in its full glory.

of course life as such isn’t devoid of unpleasant stuff or anxieties but i have overcome them. i had to take care of two sick kitties, and one of them was zz, who was severely dehydrated. i wasn’t paying attention to his condition as i was told by my other vet that he has a chronic prob (or so i was told) where he regularly has coughing fits which ends up in him throwing up and nothing to worry about. oh well, i thought, as he was eating well and so apart from having to see him coughing so violently and feeling sorry that i couldn’t help him, i wasn’t paying attention. i give some milk to another one of my kitties for reasons and z boy helped himself to some of the milk as well. on top of this, i recently got my kids another variety of fancy feast dry food as their regular food isn’t available. all these ended up with him having diarrhea and as he already has his usual vomiting probs, the wee kid ended up with dehydration by the time i noticed. so i took him to the vet and got him some fluids but as he was severely dehydrated, i had to take him to get fluids every day for a whole week. and in the meantime, his appetite wasn’t great and so i had to feed him every couple of hours, a few bites each time so he wouldn’t throw up. and this whole thing got me so exhausted. my current vet told me that she would like to come back as kitty in my house in her next life lol.

and now z boy is a happy kitty, and after he got better, wouldn’t leave my side which makes me tear-up.

every day, early morning and evening hours my two boys (minnu and sonu) and i go out into our backyard, and while they contemplate on life and stuff in the great outdoors, i read books or garden.

i have become nostalgic for my home back in india and so i am recreating the garden of my parents home or i should say my mother’s garden. so i bought all these plants which we had and i am brimming with joy with anticipation of seeing my plants bloom as these are still seedlings. as these are tropical plants, i have to plant them in pots so i can move them indoors when it’s winter.

the other great endeavor i have taken upon is ‘orchids’ !! i want to have a green house at some point in my life and i thought of waiting till i buy my dream house which is currently eluding me, but i realized that time is going by so fast and i should do things i love now rather than wait. so i got myself some orchids, no greenhouse yet, and my time is now consumed in taking care of these guys along with my cats. but man, tho i love all plants, i am partial to orchids.

my garden is growing and my wild flowers started blooming and attracting the butterflies and i am pleased. i want more flowers but as i planted them late i shouldn’t blame them. on the whole my plants and my cats are making me incredibly happy.

alas the boy and i called it quits (or a pause) as it is pointless for me to drag him along as i have no intention of settling down with him. we are still friends (and may be with benefits) but i am cooling it a bit as not having sex doesn’t kill anyone.

i started re-reading adventures of tintin. and just for kicks, i also started rewatching movies my husband and i watched the cube movies, the english patient, session 9, etc. speaking of movies, i finally watched “sophie’s choice” as i always heard people use that phrase and they explained to me what it meant and now that i actually watched it,  i think people use “it’s like sophie’s choice” incorrectly. it actually means:

your children have died and your only choice left is death / suicide because you have no way out from your past, your pain, or the future. 

it doesn’t mean:

making a difficult choice or being unable to choose;  or going along blindly with the crowd or signing up for something you were reluctant about

on a side note, i know human race is evil and i just can’t grasp how anyone can harm someone else on purpose much less kill them and appalls me when little boys kill insects in particularly torturous ways. and so i can never understand how someone can kill small kids no matter what they thought like genocide, or wiping out a line so they don’t comeback for revenge. i keep thinking that such people, when they stand before god, how are they going to justify their actions and if anyone so much as say something like “god in the old testament was a very wrathful god and they did the same things”, i will slap you for your ignorance because god doesn’t change and he is full of love and merciful.

it also made me think about the #metoo movement which is a farce in itself because it was more about hating men than about being a woman which is sad. i keep thinking of the pivotal scene in sophie’s choice where she picks her son to keep over her daughter when forced to choose between them. i’ve noticed that a lot of women will often side with men and boys over their own gender. not always, but many times they will; far more often, it seems, than men will side with women over other men. i don’t think it’s an american thing, or a western thing, but i think it’s a human thing. even in children, boys are favored than girls. and a woman would go through the pains of pregnancy a hundred times to conceive a boy, like he will save her ! i don’t know if it’s cultural conditioning, or some kind of mass stockholm syndrome, or hormones, or something woven into our dna, or what; but it just seems when the chips are down and they have to choose, many women are more likely to side with men to the exclusion of other women, while men are more likely to stick together at the exclusion of women. hopefully this is less common than it seems, and if not, i sure hope it is fading away from our species.

stick together ladies. many of my fellow males will do whatever they can to keep women second class citizens with less wealth, less power, less say, than men have. if you divide yourselves for their favor, they will always have an unfair upper hand. and of course, as always there are exceptions to the rule and there are a few good men and my husband & my lovers included in that roll call and the rest of them are bastards.

now it’s quiet as we hush through glaring summer days as tho it’s winter and full of broken mirrors. silence is numbing down our brains. as i blink, looking into your tired eyes it’s all white around here, like it’s all snow and fairy dust, all collar bones and angles and angels and cotton

in the subtle changes over time, of a love that ebbs and flows, with wild flowers intertwined. i am trying to capture natures beauty through lens, or with cathartic writing. a kaleidoscope of alluring hues reflecting in droplets of morning dew. i can’t keep my eyes open in the glare of the summer light. remember how it used to be when it was warm enough for rain ? the rain washed away today’s scorching summer, to introduce a fragranced cool air in a delicate way. i am nostalgic for mangoes and lychees. but there’s not a soul in this lonely maze of void and emptiness – quiet, dear, for this must be the end of the world again but as someone said (campbell ?) the goal of life is to make your heartbeat match the beat of the universe, to match your nature with nature.