personal

bliss, french roast style !

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wake up, here’s coffee, the boy said and how can one not listen to someone who is warm and soft and bringing me a cup of coffee ? and off he went after kissing my forehead as i stayed home to rest and recover. yesterday (sunday) i came down with sudden fever and runny nose and i decided i will stay home as i thought i would get worse. but by this afternoon, i started feeling much better and i started wondering if my asthma condition is actually working for me instead of against me as i had had a few cold / flu episodes but they didn’t last more than couple of days and yes these episodes onset suddenly and violently but they are gone before i could say to myself “i should go to a doctor”.

when i got my asthma episode a few years ago (2011), i begged and prayed to god to make my lungs stronger but i think as it is always with god, he knows what’s best for me and now i’m convinced that he is delaying in order to prepare me for corona virus.i am thinking that corona has no chance with me and in all probability i would be susceptible but i think it would pass through me quickly as i’m an asthmatic and because of asthma, my lung architecture is already changed and my body is used to coping with little oxygen, fluid in lungs and all that good stuff, asthmatics regularly put up with. also, as yours truly is a very wise woman, since the first news broke about wuhan pneumonia like disease way back in january, as a scientist i knew it’s only a matter of time it will spread and get to the states (but i didn’t think it would spread this fast) and i started on an immune boosting regimen and thus i’m quite prepared for the eventuality of covid 19 infection (including updating my beneficiary list).

as the market is in free-fall i have spent the last few days moving around the stocks and monies and adjusting the money i save every month. i think i will probably diversify into precious metals and need to research the coming days.

i spent the weekend putting together the gorgeous lamp and trying to organize the shit i dragged home from the storage to sort out and throw out. i made few appointments for next sunday to interview for a housekeeper. the day light savings time is upon us again to my distress and we lost an hour of sleep. i have been getting up an hour earlier than necessary for my kids’ sake as my kitties have been needier lately, and want to cuddle me when i’m trying to get ready. so i have been getting up earlier so i can give them enough cuddle time before i leave.

the dinner-date we had the other night was the best since i have ever had in since the past few years. date nights are nights where couples go out and try to keep the spark alive or have some “we” time. even though we don’t need a “spark” to keep our fire alive as we combust the moment we touch, i discovered that the boy is my best friend. and during that time, we bonded, we talked, we laughed, and we discovered that we both are vulnerable. the whole time we only existed for each together. no phones, no distractions. from the beginning till the night ended our bubble was not disturbed. the energy of that night are what dreams are made of. we had dinner, then went dancing all eyes were on us, some good lol some bad but they still wanted what we had. we kept smiling and giggling.  smiles and giggles and here i go again. that i want to trust him but i’m scared not of vulnerability but of his looks of love.

it’s amazing really when you find this one person – the one you never thought would fit quite nicely in the space of your heart as if it’s meant to be there. though as far as you’re concerned, your heart has always known – it danced before you even took the first step forward. it’s beautiful and it fills you with so much love that you don’t know whether to burst and or to run far away so i won’t go through a free fall.  and then he  reaches down and brushed a strand of hair off my face and it felt like butterfly wings fluttering against my cheeks and i was muttering to myself, “stay, stay, stay” because that, i’ll never get used to that and i hope he doesn’t either. i hope i fill him enough because he fills me enough. because this beautiful boy who touches my dark parts like they’re light, who explores me with such curiosity and vigor that i’m breathless each time he drags his fingers over my skin and it responds in goosebumps. and i kiss him with feelings of gratefulness because sometimes words aren’t enough.  and thus i’ve learned the language of his touches and he has learned the definition of my sighs and i nuzzle closer  because he’s there, with his smiling eyes and gentle hands, giving and showing me love the way he knows how. and i’m teaching myself to stay and not run away. fingers tightly crossed !

sofa & lamp

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i finally got to put together the lamp with the help of some very hard working kitties and i’m goddamn pleased. i still have to hook up to a dimmer switch so i can have romantic date nights !

the sofa is covered by a kitty blanky so if humans come by, i can offer them the sofa without them completely covered in kitty hair.

i still have to organize my living room as it’s now quite crowded with an italian furniture set.

i will be busy playing house this summer and i just can’t wait !!

waiting

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this year i’m planning a rain garden and plant some flowering plants which attract butterflies and humming birds. a peak into my messy living room and more plants are arriving via post shortly.

my baby plants are waiting indoors as i’m not skilled to knit them some tiny sweaters..  and seeds / bulbs still in boxes awaiting to be planted at the right time… but we are waiting…..

with spring’s arrival we too are re-birthed. begin the rituals of leaving cramped spaces to stretch and breathe fresh air once more. no longer frozen limbs need to be covered in layers of fabric. cast off the blanket, as a snake sheds it’s old skin. take time under the sun to warm and bronze thyself once more. we are like all those who exist during such a time must rejuvenate or be lost to continuous nights of cold. big flowers on twigs in sunlight and spring season in the garden

nature’s spring fever is infectious, yet you have no fear of catching such a bug… the world now wrapped within life’s ultimate hug.

hello march

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february, you were a heavy and unforgiving veil, enveloping me and choking out my tired, burdened breath. welcome march, unearth me.

it’s march and let spring begin. it’s three weeks to vernal equinox, well it’s actually 3 days short of three weeks, but what’s three days between friends.

my cozy little house has gotten quite comfortable and conducive to laying down roots. i used to think to never buy furniture because i was scared of settling down and not get my own house. now that couldn’t be further from the truth, i feel very lucky to have this little haven.

“true self-care is not salt baths and chocolate cake, it is making the choice to build a life you don’t need to regularly escape from. — brianna west, from “this is what ‘self-care’ really means”

this weekend has been a great to do as the international orders i placed, got delivered so fast which was really astonishing and exciting. i am a sucker for beautiful artistic things and i don’t mind how expensive they may be. in fact, i would rather buy quality pieces which may be expensive than buy things of no value. when i left my old house, i threw out a lot of things which were not that expensive (most of them were like $1000 or so) plus they were destroyed by my kids who clawed at them and as my husband was a neanderthal with no artistic bone, he didn’t want us to pay a lot of money for things and yes of course he did have a point, in that they completely destroyed our very expensive furniture after which, he put his foot down.  now i am an artist, i like to surround myself with aesthetically pleasing stuff and beautiful art, but i put up with this shit and nonsense, primarily because he was the bacon bringer aka he worked while i was pursuing my ph.d. now that he isn’t here to stop me, plus i’m bringing the vegan bacon home, i got back into acquiring stuff. i thought i wouldn’t buy things till i bought a house, on account that i don’t want to have a lot of things to move, but recently i realized that if you pass up on a chance to get something you may lose them as i had my eye on this really rich french draperies which i loved to bits and i put them in my wish list but someone bought them. so i adjusted my thought processes and decided i will buy the things which i fall in love with even if i have to put them all in storage. hence when i saw this beautiful french provincial sofa, i ordered it as well as a beautiful mosaic lamp from turkey and goddamn, fedex was pretty fast in delivering but they were supposed to be delivered on a weekday and so i had to actually convince fedex to let me pick them up on sunday (on account saturday is sabbath and we rest). the boy borrowed a pickup truck from a friend (he drives porsche cayenne, which is like really sexy) and we went and loaded the sofa from france and the lamp from turkey.

so the sofa and the lamp are sitting in the living room, all out of the box but my downstairs currently looks like a tornado ripped zone on account that in anticipation of spring, i have been buying all kinds of plants, indoor and outdoor but they are all currently indoor and i also order things online (pet food, other stuff) and they are all sitting in unopened boxes as yours truly is not very domestic at all and i would rather read or frolic with my cats or play games or watch movies or have sex and not interested in cooking or cleaning and also my maid has gone to her country for a vacation and she would have put them in a neat order and in the meantime, i have been lightly cleaning around the house with a broom but i really need to get someone to come and mop the whole house. i think i need to hire a housekeeper so he/she can also do my laundry and do my grocery shopping for fruits and veggies.

once i assemble them and have my living room to some semblance of an order, i will post the photos as i can’t tell you, how pleased i am with my finds.

this weekend we sat and watched some true crime shows and the

life lessons from true crime shows :

your spouse will murder you / if you’re not married, don’t worry, your lover will murder you / single people shouldn’t feel left out: the stalker, the checkout boy — even the cop who pulled you over — these are only a few of the countless local creeps just dying for a chance to murder you ! / yes all men, statistically speaking, are probably going to murder you / if anyone other than your insurance agent inquires about your life insurance, they’re definitely going to murder you / don’t live in midwest, lest you die violently in midwest, where everyone gets killed by murder / just don’t be a woman

i love murder mysteries (agatha christie being my favorite) and i’m partial to bbc series and i pretty much am in love with a lot of bbc detectives like, poirot, morse, endeavor, and recently i was watching vienna blood (a murder mystery on pbs masterpiece) and this was set in the late 18th century / beginning of 19th century where there are a few references to sigmund freud, beethoven, mahler and i was watching with the boy and i was pretty much orgasming aloud and cooing at the show and how much i would love to live during those times in vienna and being able to attend those concerts (assuming i have beaucoup d’argent) and boy was nodding his head in agreement, and as we got deeper into the story they were showing how they treated patients and we both looked at each other and went”NO” uh, huh, scientifically speaking those were dark ages and yes, i agree that we made lots of progress but man, they were barbaric in their practices. i think eastern medicine during those times was way better and actually i prefer natural remedies anytime and if i haven’t already said this i am a vegetarian for that sole reason and i am careful with my eating habits.

also pbs airs a lot of ‘walter presents’ (i often wondered who this walter may be & i googled and i question his taste in murder mysteries as they are pretty much made for people with low iq) which are very comical and they are usually either french, spanish or dutch.and i usually watch them my language skills for spanish and french) and one time i watched this french murder mystery and it was ridiculous as they kept trying to twist the plot over and over again i was having giggle fits but i did finish watching it.

i’ve had a long and strange unsettling week. but also had a few strong moments of positivity which i’m holding on to. grateful for my safe home, fabulous sunny weather, cats, friends, laughter and for doing years of often hard ugly boring self-care so even my bad weeks are easier to turn around. everywhere i go i live in peace

i’m known for being upright, raw, deep, caring, fearless. i’ve been through hell numerous times and kept fighting (let it be suicide, anxiety, fear) when giving in would have been so much easier. i change constantly. after all that time, i trust, love, care for myself, deeply. i’m so proud of who i am. i have no idea where i’m going, but i’m on my way. and i’m not going to let my fear stop me.

and, good lord, what a fantastic feeling !

je t’en brasse !

delicate

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what’s with the boys i date (or marry) and kayaks ? the boy declared that he would like us to go kayaking, as soon as the weather permits and i’m like you are insane because i’m pretty much convinced that i would drown in my own bath-tub… i hate any activities on water, like tubing (which i did and felt that i may drown), boating (which i did and felt that i may drown), almost surfing (and pretty much drowned) ! one of the guys i date a while back (before i was married), wanted us to go to belize on his boat or a yacht or whatever the goddamn thing americans buy and so no my dear boy, we ain’t doing that or to be precise, i’m not doing any kayaking but you may !

also we are thinking we will go salsa dancing (i do dance salsa, the boy doesn’t as he is a neanderthal) and take a language class possibly german or japanese. when i realized that i might take any class with the boy, something awakened in me…. like in a kinky sort of way….. like it makes me wet just to think that !

i forgot to mention but i did go to a therapist. i sat at the edge of my chair, didn’t even remove my jacket,all my stuff on my lap. as soon as the introductions were done, i told him that i may not talk or worse, i may run away as that’s the best thing i always good at. he said not to worry but to just chat. he was picked by my doctor but if i decide to continue i may find someone nearer to my home.

healthwise, i have gone back to the gym #hallelujah, #praise the lord and hopefully i will stay but i may quit the gym at my work and continue the one near my house. and oh, remember my cholesterol being almost 220 !?! my doctor repeated the test because she wasn’t certain and it’s normal levels now and everything is peachykeen but she wants to repeat it again in about three months which is fine by me. come next week, i am thinking of moving my money into government bonds as the market is quite uncertain due to corona. speaking of corona as my boss & others travel a lot, i may opt for flexible work place option and work from home as i have no interest in contracting flu or corona as people in general are very unhygienic and no consideration for other people. and one of the other reasons why i was driving in every day was because of other passengers in public transportation.

february is coming to a close and la de fucking da ! i could have done without the goddamn heartache. and wow my emotions really are hot garbage this week huh. i cried a river, build a bridge and got over it. i bit off a piece of golden thread and wove the strand through the pieces of my heart with a needle – to hold myself together. then i listened to sad and angry and beautiful music and i wrote about everything that makes the world stop and also what makes it spin again. i went and had a coffee with the boy and we hiked and biked to a forest, took a nap for an hour, fucked hard on the still cold ground, and got dirty from lying on the ground but didn’t care about it. i know that that the fractures seal and they may leave a scar but like a broken leg, i have learnt to dance with a limp before and sense the rain is coming by the ache. i honestly think, it wasn’t that bad of a heartbreak anyway because in my heart of hearts i knew he wasn’t for me but sometimes i am dumb, what can i say ? my friends think that i should raise a flag of my hideous act of dumbness ! but great things came out of this as the boy promised he will go to church with me this sabbath and i’m like achievement unlocked ! now if i get him to return tithes and to have him go to church with me every week, half the war is won (also may be have him become a vegetarian) ! but baby steps !

our story starts small. starts with bread crumbs and becomes constellations. our hands a postage stamp to explore each other. our hearts tethered by a thread. at night we have lain awake, naked for a story that started mid sentence. untraveled roads and unraveled dreams. someone else’s language on my tongue with an aftertaste of other people’s name. like i am supposed to be somewhere else. like you carried me elsewhere. this is all just sweet happenstance. we can call it hope. we can color it lemon yellow and bright blue like a prism of our seeing and meeting.

i hope this won’t be necessary but let it be known that this too will pass. pain is temporary and so are the situations.

one day i’ll be having my christmas dinner with the family i chose, maybe i’ll have gone to another, colder country to make it really feel like christmas, and i’ll watch the grinch, and i’ll never remember the past and all i have to do is wait for the storm to pass.

there’s nothing i can’t endure. i’ll just start making a plan and slowly organize my next life.

into the fog

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february has been foggy a lot and during those misty, foggy, daze (days), my morning commute has been absolutely divine….. i love driving through these mists listening to the classical music and if bach or vivaldi is on, it’s better than an orgasm and not even a great orgasm comes close (and i should know about all those orgasms) to what i feel at that time !

some things fall apart, some change into something else and some just fade away…

february is coming to a close and for a leap year, it ain’t all that bad !

(all those buildings are center city philly where i can’t even see the skyline because of the mists and a few near my lovely neighborhood)

fate

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i have become bold in recent days, stripping each layer of myself, becoming hopelessly vulnerable again.i thought  i dreamt that i had something to say but i didn’t wake up in time to tell you. i have been a shadow and a hostage in your hands. i squeeze my fists together, the redness turning white, bare bone begging to be covered by your fluttering lips. but you won’t know me and you won’t come back. in this universe, i’m quite wide awake under the orange sky, my heart butterfly opened by a car crash dream. in another universe, i’m small and happy on a passenger seat, with you driving. like i imagined countless times. look, there is another broken dream lodged in my teeth. it’s almost tomorrow somewhere, but here now, today, feels like a tomorrow. i already had another life and in spite of doing my best to take a train departing to the opposite direction, here i’m at the same train station, holding onto the ticket for happiness and a clenched jaw. i thought i was getting better facing my darkness.  because whatever happens later, i’ll never escape what i’m. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all i’m…

i don’t know how to say that i’m happy for you with a smile on my face. how do you look someone in the eye that you love and tell them that you’re happy they found someone else ? i do so and i can feel my heart exploding inside my chest. but i’m happy for you, i truly am. i’m happy you’re happy, i just will always wish it was with me.

i wish you knew i will miss you in the loving ways and at least i didn’t lose you to death this time !

adieu american boy !

valentine’s

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i would love to have a week of saturdays… these past few days were gloomy and colder than usual, where february was behaving like april, and my twins were cooped up inside the house and i read myself to oblivion. this weekend was promised to be warmer.  on friday, i thought i’d be clever and go to bed early, get a full night of sleep; worked great until i sat up fully awake at 3 am with my brain holding a knife to my throat like, “don’t test me bitch” and so on saturday as it was promised to be warmer, i woke up bright and early (again) around 4:30 am and waited patiently for the sun to come up and warm us up so we all could go out for a bit of fresh air. and as of 8:00 am the temps were still at 28 f, practically a  heat wave considering it was 17 f at 4:30 am. by the time we actually got to go out was about 3 pm but sunday was warmer still and the boys and i got to go out and frolic. this afternoon i went on a long ass walk with the boy and it was incredible.we walked along this river and it was a really small one but it had big river energy lots of small islands and old,very old broken down buildings. one thing we saw was the fundament of an old mill and i just fell in love with that path we took. merveilleux  !! with each outing in nature, i step deeper into a wonderland (like alice’s)

i stayed and worked from home on valentine’s day as my furnace was acting funny and i scheduled someone to come and take a look. when the boy found out, he sent me one rose every hour starting at 8 am till he came to have supper with me around 7ish pm and he got me another dozen roses. needless to say, i loved all his effort at romance even though it was not his original idea. you see, my love, julien sent me 19 bouquets of roses on my 19th birthday ! we sat out for a bit in bitter cold looking at the stars till our bums were numb.

he did the valentines date night the next day where he cooked me dinner and chocolate fondue and later we sat on his couch, legs intertwined, and watched “corner gas” and laughed  so much because it is such a funny show and heavily made out like a couple of teenagers.  it was my turn to do the valentines date and this saturday and took him to a jazz restaurant; confession: there was this really nice jazz restaurant i wanted to go, but i am thinking i would go there with american boy if we ever hook-up and what does this say about me ? i’m known to break things with my bare hands, in a bloodied knuckles type of way. it’s just me and my thoughts at 3 am. it’s not really a secret how i’m always soft for him. all silk and rose and honey under the beaming full moon. my telescope heart has seen all the winding roads and blinding lights, but home still leads me back to the comfort of his voice which is like a soundtrack for my summer.

the night sky knows me too well and sometimes i wonder if you maybe see me whenever you look up even then the familiarity of uncertainty filled the room; old ghosts knocking at the door. . i tiptoe through the doubts and the reminiscent touches of lovers who don’t understand that love is not an elixir for everything. and past it all, there is this boy who stands with a laugh that is as bright as a daydream and a smile that plays like an endless loop in my head. like the stories of how two people met and it was nothing short of serendipitous and everything romantic, but there is something hazy, about the way i free fall into this feeling. still, it all feels liberating. what i am trying to say is, he makes me weightless and it is great to be in my own skin and the fact that i don’t have to try and impress him at all.

to love is not to imagine that we love; it’s to act as though we loved and that’s how we discover, one day, that we truly love.  jacques de bourbon-busset, french writer

hope you all had a wonderful valentine’s as well even if it is something the greeting card companies concocted.

Bises !

perchance to dream

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this week threw me in for a loop and it was all heartachy. i have to let go of another one of my babies and it broke my heart all over again. i became less selfish and learned to let go of them, but goddamnit, the void is immense and i feel like i can’t breathe. and the feeling is worse when my babies die suddenly with no illness symptoms.

anyway, the week was rough. i also had my health check-up and i passed all the numbers but my cholestorl number went beyond optimum and came goddamn close to 220. i think that is ok for now considering the high levels of stress and anxiety i was going though or may be me not going to gym #sidelook. but will sure to get it retested in a couple of months to make sure i’m not slacking off with my health.

in the meantime, my doc keeps pushing me to get therapy because after a long time, i told her what happened to me. i find it easier to write as i remove myself from this and write as a third party. but i know she is right as i have seriously been thinking about getting married as well; after my husband’s death i didn’t think of marriage or even relationship as even before his passing, life kept knocking me down, and i kept getting up only to get knocked down. honestly i didn’t have any strength left to care for someone else and also tbh it wasn’t easy to keep going. and the doctor keep pushing me to see someone to get therapy for reasons, as i have successfully detached myself from anything which would cause me pain or anxiety which includes any commitments to either people or things or places.

so i decided i should write down my feelings so you and i can read it, so i can face them, acknowledge them, confront them and analyse them as clearly, currently i am not. it’s been about 6 years since my husband’s death and i still don’t know how to process my own feelings. i am trained scientist, so i clinically diagnosed myself, separated them out and precipitated them in a dark corner. i can write about them, from an observer’s perspective. i’m able to offer myself a mirrored pool of thought, but i can’t feel them. i swallowed all of my feelings and survive on them. there have been days, weeks, when i refused to eat,unable stomach food because of the large stone of emotion i carry in my stomach.

but as i am thinking of letting someone into my life, and wanting to commit to a marriage, i want nothing more than to know this person, aka me, again. i hate myself for carrying this anger at myself, guilt and sadness. i can see clearly the sunny place beyond the gloom and darkness and i wish to be there, free. but i know i have to face this darkness, and go through it again, and expel the stormy clouds but i don’t know how. sometimes, i wonder if it is justified. is it ? i want to walk through life gushing with love for humans. i hate myself for having this darkness in my heart. i have contemplated ending my life more than once. i want to be in control of my entire existence.

i think it is only fair for this man, whoever it may be, who wants to be my other half. and i have to let him come closer to me and let him to get to know me.

personally i think the hardest part about getting to know me isn’t just his insecurities, or fears, or hesitations. it’s mine. in effect he will be fighting a war in my head and my heart that’s derived from every person’s let down that’s comes before him. . so now here you are fitting no mold, you were never like anyone else, and you’re trying to break through a cast that seems to be  miles deep while bearing your own cast of steel. it’s heavy and it’s hard but every once in a while you get this glimpse of what’s behind the wall and you know it’ll all be worth it. and you know that even if you’re not the one who takes the last piece of that wall down, you’ll have helped heal what’s behind it in hopes that someone more deserving than you gets to see what i’ve gone to the depths of hell protecting. i’m often lost in doubt  my actual aspirations are too ambitious; yet my self-doubt even more determined, hence i stick myself in the same day after day, year after year instead of chasing a lighting that is a pledge of a fire that’ll consume me.

i am hoping that someone (even if slightly) pick up on the hints of my misery mirroring hamlet’s misery (in his soliloquy), smile as i do when you hear “perchance to dream” or pick your own strings of words, and doubt the cowardice he blames on conscience.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy. your thoughts can save you but your thoughts can also kill you. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we’re talking about peace (piece) of mind. believe what you can while you can, because here i’m again, lying in bed, and i haven’t felt safe in years when i am with humans.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s the human difference.