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thaw !

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2018/01/12

i’m 3% sassy and now a days, i can’t walk sassily because of all the thaw and the resulting slippery floors. better rain than snow, though.

i’m exhausted and quite frankly want to just stay under the covers and not interact with any humans. and these subzero temps we had last week knocked my breath out.  this monday there was rain just in time for the evening rush hour and because the ground was frozen solid, all the rain turned into ice and i left an hour early so i can go home safe and sound and still i found that the walk home was slippery and perilous and i ended up walking in the middle of road. the next morning i was in late as all the ground has become ice and i had to wait for the sun to come up and melt a bit and when i got to work, i saw that terry left the papers on the ledge for me and i smiled ! that’s the best feeling i ever get. terry kindly gives me his wall street journals once he finishes with them and he leaves them for me and this little gesture of his makes me smile every time ! it’s the same feeling i get whenever i got flowers or unexpected texts ! while julien was good with flowers, jace wasn’t so much on flowers but he left little love notes everywhere for me to find. even now, i find a note here and there and this warms my heart plenty.

today was so lovely in terms of weather. it drizzled the entire day and i dreamed of sitting in a small café with terry (for lack of a name for a lover), eating soft cakes and scones and drinking tea.

i worked hard on my future plans this week. had chatted with people, met with people with good information and am getting ready. i’ve fairly good idea the direction i want to move and i made an appointment with my boss so i can check with her about what she thinks.

when i was a child, i always thought by this time i would be settled with a good husband, two children and a house with a white picket fence and maybe i would have been a professor or a poetess.

and oh the heart breaks i have to endure instead ! this is me starting all over again and some days i honestly want to throw in my towel (i kid you not… i want to literally pickup a towel and fling it down with all my might !) or throw myself out of the window.

but as life would have it i have kids and they need their mum. horus is doing well and as i had to feed the kid like  every four hours, and the first feeding sake i started getting up at 3 am to feed him and then i would feed him again around 7:30 before running out of the door for my job and after i get back home, i feed him again around 6:30 and the fourth feeding at 10:30 pm

and because of these early morning feedings, sometimes i don’t get back to sleep at all and so i am walking around a bit zombie-ish. but he is my child and i will take care of him, even if i have to for the rest of his life and mine.

his doctor kept bitching about the fact that i brought horus in for a f/u checkup at day 11 instead of 5 to 7 days and i explained to him it’s because of the weather, but he kept bitching and i was annoyed and pissed a bit but he is my baby’s doctor and you don’t yell at someone like that so i endured his continued complaining. before i left i told him i would have brought him in if he wasn’t doing well or worse.

and honestly though, my child is doing well and still not showing interest in eating but now he is responding to me when i call him and comes up to me and sleeps in my bed and his eyes are sparkling like diamonds. i often wonder if i should date a veterinarian and marry one for my babies sake.

i have decided not to go out these three days as we have a long weekend… just have a pile of blankets i have to wash. there’s a big match this sat evening between eagles and falcons (american football) and for my american boy sake i want eagles to win but the odds are way big as eagles suck. i’ll update you with glee the moment the game is done and also patriots will be playing tonight as well but their win is a definite.

i’m getting ready to do another feeding for my child but i have been pondering lately about this and i’m hoping to find an answer…

how to stay light and fluffy and soft in a world which pricks and stings ?

well, my darlings, hope you all stay light and fluffy and soft in spite of the thorns.

à demain !

update : on the nfl game…. well, eagles won against falcons in the playoff by the skin of their teeth but a win is a win. they will face vikings this sunday (jan 21).  patriots as i predicted won with ease…. can’t wait for them to win this superbowl !

allez, allez patriots !

the best is yet to come !

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what’s with my lying to boys i like when they ask a straight forward question ? my american boy terry, came over to me yesterday at work and asked me if i watched the flyers game (ice hockey) the night before and which i haven’t watched but i lied and said yes. this is half truth as i did know they lost and i recorded the game as i was out on a semi-date with a boy who has been chasing after me over two years and i have been brushing him off as he just turned 30 last year and so he is much younger than i am and i know i don’t look my age but i am clearly ancient in wisdom and experiences, but i thought it is only fair to give him a shot and so am interviewing him and other boys (sort of) as i need to find a lover for my needs and whateves… and a little background. i am a flyers fan and most of the time i parade around the office in my flyers hoodie and now a days i am also sporting my leg warmers and i could care less how i look as i have breathing issues and this blistering cold weather is making it hard for me to breathe as it is and my chest and lungs hurt almost all the time. so i was actually a bit surprised as he was discussing his american sports with me. but lately he has been putting in some effort into chatting with me and i am like “dude, why ?”

and honestly terry, i fall for you over and over again and i really don’t know why but i would like to blame you anyways…

my american boy keeps me up at night and to be honest, i am reeling in my feelings for him and oh, i overheard him telling someone that he lives by himself ? (which surprised me as i thought, for sure he lives with his girlfriend) and my brain went in so many different directions including you should call me up on cold nights to come up and warm you up thoroughly lol.

terry may not realize it but i am being very nice and not trying to capture his attention because he has a girlfriend, but if he doesn’t watch out, he may end up getting hooked in my tentacles anyways and then end up in my bed. i think he may love this as he likes to fish…  😊

i’ve reasons why i want to talk to him, but i am avoiding him as the more i talk to him, the more i want to jump him and kiss him so goddamn hard but i don’t because i am a decent upstanding member of the society. and also, i’m slightly concerned that he may be a bit shallow and i need someone who is intellectual and philosophical but to be fair, it’s only my impression as i don’t know him as a person and haven’t made any effort whatsoever to know him, and i’m not spending my energy into knowing someone who isn’t available as it’s not cost effective and so terry, if you ever become single and available, you should look me up and only if you think you can handle me. but, i think i actually would like to chat and know you as a person for academic reasons.

i consider that one cannot love without being on the edge of cliff. every annoyance is a heartbreak and every question eats away at you. if you love without passion you do not really love. and my love is very chaotic and passionate; it’s bites on lips and sucking on ear lobes, scratches on the back and sex is rough, and passionate, gasping for air and gasping for life, pretty much.

i have decided i would polish up on my french so i can join french social meets where i can encounter french boys. as i said, it’s been a while since i had sex and i’m still not convinced that i should remarry but in case i decided not to marry, i would need a lover in a hurry and i usually plan five years into my future and the future i’ve being laying out for myself is going to become really hectic and busy soon and i may not have time to find a good man and i don’t want to end up on tinder or worse so i can have a fuck and gosh, i so need to fuck.

also i want to brush up on the languages because of the future i am laying out for myself in this corporation.

i am excited about my future. the executive, to who i sent my resume remembered me (and i was actually surprised because for sure i thought i would have to remind him) and kept his word and made phone calls for a contact person for me to talk to and he called me up on wednesday and gave me the contact’s name and i immediately dropped him an email and i will be talking to him tomorrow and i am so goddamn excited. the best which could come from this is me being able to transition without a hiccup, and worse could be in terms of time and course work and laying down the foundation and getting into an entry level where i may end up making less than what i am right now but i am thinking that’s the risk i will take because the result is worth it as i am clearly very intelligent (you may all be aware of my lack of modesty by this time and as i have repeated multiple times but i believe modesty is for losers and i know what i am and what i am capable of)

i am also thinking of adding this as an objective on my resume “i would like to excel and make sufficient money in order to give my cats a luxurious life and for providing them with good preventative care in terms of their diet, supplements and also so i can meet their vet bills”.

well, here’s to 2018; and to frigid winters and fragrant springs and dreamy summers and orgasmic autumns. here’s to the books i’ll be reading this year. here’s to loving art and musique and connecting and appreciating passions of other people. here’s to more creativity and here’s to soaking in the light and darkness this year may shed on me. here’s to falling in love again and again, and to keep on loving (you) and learning regardless of whatever. here is to healing and inspiration.

bises !

et bonne année 2018

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here are some of my fireworks and the reason(s) for my existence. horus, my brave little warrior, came home yesterday with his e-tube and he is well and i’m like one step away from getting a veterinary technician license. minnu, the next few photos, in glorious blissful sleep and then buttons, pepper with their still sleepy hobo-esque mama and the last photo is where my lap held four kitties at once (pepper, anubis, minnu & bastet). in case you are wondering, when i’m home, i spend a lot of time in my bed, getting up occasionally for pee breaks, and to stretch & get coffee.

twenty-seventeen or two-thousand-and-seventeen or whatever the hell you want to call it, was a big year. i know that for all intents and purposes, most years are big by nature but this one was especially so.  for whatever reason i find each year is increasingly hard and i find myself saying to myself, i can’t do this anymore. nevertheless, i persisted (remember the hashtag ?).

a lot happened this year, so much so that i don’t know if i can express everything in words. i will, however, try. this year i learnt a lot about myself. i wouldn’t go as far to say that i “found myself” but i know who i am now growing into or molding into.

i was loved a lot this year, thank goodness, by good people with warm hearts and open minds and those people mean more to me than anyone. i did a lot of things i thought i would never do and i surprised myself in both good and bad ways. when properly angered i know what i am capable of doing and i have some good people who found it wise to take me into their arms and let me not do something stupid.

i moved past a lot of hurt and learnt that you can live through hell and you can then become a different, quieter self but ultimately stronger person for it.

i danced a lot. i worked a lot. i worked hard. i learned and studied and decided that i should wait until i’m ready, and i finally believe i am. i wished a lot that i drank a lot to subdue the pain.

ultimately, i was pushed out of my comfort zone this year. i didn’t know what i was doing a lot of the time. i found tangible, real, life-changing aspirations and dreams.

i have an intelligent brain and heart, and i know what it means to live. everything else has been a wonderful, indulgent embellishment.

2017, thank you for being so fucking difficult, because i needed to know how strong i really was, and that the year before did not, in fact, break me. i learnt how to be good to myself. i learnt how to say “i’ll persist”.

as usual, grateful to god for giving us peace and a year of content, and for his unending blessings & protection for me & my babies, for giving us another year to laugh, cuddle and love.

happy new year 2018 and hope this year is also full of laughs, good health, lots of love and peace and may we all be blessed and content this year as well.

arctic freeze and whiskers on kittens….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 3 Comments

christmas

this was from my last christmas (with julien), the last time i ever decorated anything for christmas and i am hoping to decorate again in 2018.

well, finally it feels like winter and then some and give me stockings and blazers and hoodies and large coffees and reading in bed all day under my comforter and pumpkin soup and browsing bookstores for hours because it is raining/snowing so hard any day.

i have taken vacation days since 20th of december. i wanted to put the following as my out of office message but i thought better of it as i think many people have no sense of humor.

“hello i won’t be in the office as i have resolved to stay home which feels like heaven and this is where i will be till after new year’s. i don’t believe in santa clause but will be on the look out for him in between spending time with my family, getting my bum black and blue (from falling repeatedly while skiing) and trying to stay warm.

i will not be checking email as the email servers are frozen for sure because of the arctic front.

i will be stuck in the arctic tundra for a few days but gosh i will surely try and stay warm and hope you do the same.”

my desire to get my bum black & blue didn’t quite happen as my boy horus was critically sick due to anorexia and i spent christmas eve at the emergency room; my baby horus was devoted to my husband and every year this time in november (it’s jace’s birthday) gets dutifully depressed as he misses his papa and then he fasts. i watch over him and this year somehow i missed out his fasting and i’m happy to report i will be bringing him home tomorrow but he is coming home with a e-tube (feeding tube) till he is back up to his weight. all the doctors and nurses sang praises of him saying how sweet he is but this is true of all my kids. my kids get praised all the time that they are the sweetest on the planet. i’m a very proud mama.

i stayed indoors most of the time, binge watching all the shows which i have lined up and completed two books.

each morning before breakfast, i built a little fire in my fire place so we can have breakfast around the warm cozy fire. because of cold weather, all my kids and i are bundled into my bed with hot water bottles under our blankets and i am in a kitty heaven with my reading and catching up on all my shows.

for a few days i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so cold and me not wearing pants didn’t help much so i bundled myself up with appropriate pants and a hoodie. and then i learned that i needed to bleed the radiators and  i couldn’t open the cap and so i had electric heaters but it’s not warm enough but it’s ok as i absolutely love living in my naked skin, without make up, hair hanging loose and wearing my husband’s shirts and generally looking like a hobo most of the time. and as per my custom, i have taken hundreds of selfies. i’m relaxing and being good to myself and to my body, getting massages every other day and long baths.

christmas was lonely as usual and i do miss my parents and all the christmases past, when we bundled up and went caroling or preparing snacks for the carolers who visited. it was more christ centered event than what i see in usa. sadly in america christmas is very commercialized event but i love the way lights are strung up on the trees and the snow and the cold makes this such a lovely affair and i used to enjoy sitting out bundled up with my boy julien and later my husband with hot chocolates and sniffling and listening to john coltrane and his lovely clarinet.

so this christmas i spent the night bundled up and sat in my window dangling my feet out,  listening to john coltrane, eating hachiyas and drinking hot chocolate, and talked to my babies about my plans and the importance of having goals and living life in the fullest and read them poems on love lost.

(coltrane raindrops on roses and you are welcome – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwg2dsxv5hi)

people always have me in group chats which is real pain in the derrier, but i keep quiet not to hurt their feelings, but most of these group chats have nothing of value and i spend every sunday clearing out the texts between chores. but recently i started getting these texts, from someone and i don’t know who she or he is. they are mostly sabbath greetings or bible verses encouraging me but he/she wants to remain anonymous. i’m suspecting that this person may be the guy my church elder wants me to date. aaron, is a nice bloke but i am not. apart from me loving god intensely and trying very hard to walk with him, i have many short comings. thankfully god still loves me in spite of my short comings and because of this if i were to remarry, i want someone who loves god, who is involved in church and who is of my faith. my husband was a very good man but he was an atheist or agnostic and it was the sad note in my otherwise happy marriage and my life is a soap opera even without my involvement whatsoever and i learnt in a hard way that everything we do have consequences and hence my life became and becomes very complicated. recently i was telling terry as he thought jace was jewish and i was like no he wasn’t and it’s complicated. there’s a spanish saying “god says take what you want (out of life), but pay the price”. i forgot this and i paid a hefty price when i married jace. still no regrets as he was a lovely man and he taught me quite a lot and once again, i must say, i was loved by two very lovely and beautiful men and probably i don’t deserve it but nevertheless, i was loved immensely.

lately i was thinking of relationships and if i really should even bother and i firmly lay the blame at my feet as i shouldn’t have fallen in love with terry, but you know, my life though very sad, was immensely beautiful when my boys were alive and i’m grateful for the time i had with them and i keep searching for that life and i want that life again. i’m sure i will get it back once i meet the right person and honestly, i can’t wait to meet him and get bundled up and listen to coltrane on frigid winters or read poems with him / to him and go walking on the streets shimmering with christmas lights.

2018 is going to be busy and interesting and full of new things. i just can feel it. i am excited and i have missed being this excited.

good bye 2017, you were amazing !

film reviews

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nocturnal animals

firstly i had a hard time telling amy adams and isla fisher apart and i was completely mesmerized with the concept of the story. it’s a brilliant movie. it’s different and i love how the story keeps on develoing through it’s hidden messages. it feels like you are actually reading a literature. not style over substance as some have claimed (though every frame is gorgeous), nocturnal animals is a deeply unsettling portrait of a seemingly immaculate life fractured by festering regrets.

and the opening scene is so enchanting, with it’s haunting music which squeezes your heart ever so gently

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kp-wfdlg5xq

gone, girl

i watched gillian flynn’s “dark places” a movie adaptation of the book with the same title and i was very impressed and so i went and read the book gone, girl and recently i watched “gone girl” a film adaptation of the book. i usually don’t watch movies after reading a book, but this was superbly done and i’m glad i’ve actually watched it.

great quote from the film : i’m the cunt you married. the only time you liked yourself was when you were trying to be someone this cunt might like. i’m not a quitter, i’m that cunt. i killed for you. who else can say that? you think you’d be happy with a nice midwestern girl? no way, baby. i’m it.

and this is probably my favorite rant in literature

men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? she’s a cool girl. being the cool girl means i am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because cool girls are above all hot. hot and understanding. cool girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. go ahead, shit on me, i don’t mind, i’m the cool girl.

men actually think this girl exists. maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. for a long time cool girl offended me. i used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and i’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: you are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. i’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: the bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! and the cool girls are even more pathetic: they’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. oh, and if you’re not a cool girl, i beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the cool girl. it may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so cool girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so cool girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. there are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants cool girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (how do you know you’re not cool girl? because he says things like: “i like strong women.” if he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. because “i like strong women” is code for “i hate strong women.”)

—  gillian flynn, gone girl

silence

with andrew garfield and adam driver this film some how resonated with me as i always have struggled and still struggling with the basic question “how strong am i in my faith”… here’s a movie about two portuguese priests who go over to japan and the plight of japanese christians in a predominantly buddhist country. i still don’t have an answer as to would i still confess my relationship with jesus under the threat of death because theoretically speaking it’s easy but reality can be quite different. for this reason alone i struggled a lot while watching the movie.

predestination

clearly a sci-fi movie on a different level and with only three actors, it’s superb and the premise is quite fascinating.

all in all, i must confess, i have outdone myself in picking films which were definitely worth my time !! thank you amazon prime and netflix !

news, goals & general rant

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sitting on the edge of the bed and contemplating on life in general and all the corners we turn and rough roads we travel on. all happy families are happy alike and unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique way (i’m quoting it from the book “the dinner” which is my current read) i’m a feminist and would love to castrate all men and then i remember the pleasure of sex and the need for a penis. toys, including the most expensive ones, are a great let down. and i have these urges which needed to seeing to on a regular basis. at the back of my mind, i know i should take up a lover soon as i need to fuck properly and as i said, sex toys are a huge let down. and i still think maybe we should castrate all dumb people including females.

coming back to the point, was at my vet’s today and the guy there, was moping about and i asked him what’s wrong and he told me he can’t see his daughter this christmas as his ex put a restriction order or something on him citing sexual abuse just because his 9 year old wrote a letter to a boy in her class saying she may be pregnant. now this guy is a general, all american jackass who preens around like he is a god’s gift to women folk and most of the time, i feel like slapping him, but i have seen him with his daughter and he ain’t the type and i would have hard time believing it. whenever i was at the vet’s, i saw him seating little alicia in front of one of the computer for her to play games, with a candy or a juice box and this blonde kid and i would chat about various things as she keeps playing her games on the computer. the world has gone rogue and it’s a good thing i don’t have kids as i would have been a nervous wreck or a she-hulk squishing anyone and everyone who dares to look at my babies. all this because of the evilness of humans.  as i said, i am a feminist and i am all for women’s rights and all that jazzy stuff, but now a days things have gone too far in the name of rights, civil or otherwise, whether it’s race issues or sexual harassment or what not. which completely nauseates me. everybody giggles over and over again when racial slurs or sexual harassment happen on movies, or tv but in reality, this is life imitating after such shows ! anyway, there’s a huge rant brewing up on all this goddamn #metoo movement and i have this urge to slap someone and i am not sure who i should slap.

this month was extraordinary in which i branded myself unlovable and closed my heart to my boy and shut my goddamn blog down, but then i forgot that i have approx. 25k followers on one of the social media and that they love reading my stuff; i was inundated with emails asking for permission, and needless to say i made my blog public again as it became a painful chore and i’m a lazy person to begin with.

my company had a huge holiday party & i was there to take care of stuff and i had no intention of mingling or chatting or networking with people, but i was introduced to this one executive by sheer chance and he and i said some amicable things and all of sudden it became an opportunity to grow within the company and i immediately designated him (and i told him as well) as my mentor no. 2 and he advised me to take some courses and he asked me to give him my resume so he can forward to the right parties. i related this to my mentor, tim, and he and i started outlining my courses. i told him that i would like to do another degree but refuse to put in 180 credits (for a bs) and he said i would like to see you try….. lol  but for me it seems such a waste because i have two masters already along with two bachelors and in four majors.

and then tim & i got into this huge episode involving persimmons thesis and an exploding hachiya in my purse as i love over ripe hachiyas.

there’s a little writing board in my cubicle and tim wrote, “it’s all our fault”. since day one, he kept telling me this and it’s like a private joke between us. last week my boss told me that as a feedback, she was told that i take things personal and get offended and it kind of took me by surprise and my temper rose and i became evil for an instant but i told her that their perception may be correct and probably depends on the context and that she should only pay attention to what tim says about me and no one else because frankly speaking, everyone else can go and fuck themselves and i could care less about what others think of me and that it only matters to me what she and tim think of me. after all, i have dealt with most powerful men in my life and gained their respect. but we put off this conversation for a future day in january, 2018 when we go out to eat where i will dissect out the department in detail as she wants my feedback.

i have taken detours and side steps to avoid terry, but ended up on his office door step and he looked like a lamb or a deer with his eyes caught in the headlights and he chatted about christmas and what i believe and i really don’t mind him asking me about my values or my life but general manners dictate i should ask him the same, but i really don’t want to know about his life as it makes me feel empty and broken all over again. i mean, what is the point, i can’t share his life & personally i think he should get married, so i can move on as married men are off limits & what is he waiting for any way ? goddamn ! it gave me a huge pleasure to tell him “freddie krueger” delivers the presents under the christmas tree when he said (and god i hope he was joking) he believes in santa or else who delivers his presents ? and i can tell he wasn’t expecting me to say that. haha !

things are getting to normal for me again and i’m relatively ok. have cut my arms and walked around with full sleeves to hide the scars. and the rest of the year, i have taken off so i can selfcare and catch up with myself and say hello to myself and see how i’m doing.

i reset and revisited my goals. i’m looking forward to become healthy and get my ballet body back and my regular gym visits are already showing results and my boobs are perky even without the bra and i am running around with no bra now a days and my midsection is actually melting (thank heavens i won’t die as a half a cow) as i usually look like a beached whale because of my steroids and if i don’t put in time at the gym.

goal 2 would be to gain knowledge in finance and master the same and pave way towards my new career.

goal 3 would be to clear out my house of all things which remind me of my past.

goal 4 and this is the hard one. for a while now, i wanted to write two letters and i haven’t so far. one to my son who i lost. christian who jace and i conceived. and the other letter to the child julien and i dreamed of having and the baby girl whose name julien picked out. noélie. julien and i never conceived a child. but i kept going back to her name. i feel like it is important somehow. it keeps popping up in my mind at random times of the day. i feel like i need to tell you (terry) this. but why bring that up when it’s not important ? when it makes no difference ? we aren’t a we. but in the back of my mind, there they are. always.

optional goal would be to find a french lover or two or three and why not ? lol

bonne nuit à tous !

amor fati – part deux

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the sunbeams sparkled prettily in your eyes when words came out as whispers from my curled lips with the softness of velvety wine. “you may kiss me when the light is right”, i breathed and i blushed heavily. it may be winter air pinching me pink or it may be that i was fully drunk in the sweet liquid you were soaked in as i fell in love. you breathed out my name into the air scenting it delicately and from then on every touch became a divine secret. my giggles took a silver bell tone tinkling with every breeze. you brushed my hair as though they are like a silken whisper. you are still a familiar unknown to me; your texture, tastes and touches i can’t identify; so vivid, so familiar, so out of this earth; savoring your splendor in the glow of the stars cast over our skins; our colors have bled and blended to create a new hue. we twine around each other without breaking. i’m comfortable. you are the exotic tastes, smells and tingles. you are the colors, sounds and shadows. your heartbeats are oceans whispering my name and i dream of seashells.  i still find myself aching for those hues, whispers and time hasn’t faded that memory or that familiarity.

at what point loneliness morphs into something that exists as something bearable ? i find myself missing you, missing your conversations, missing our moments; miss the curl of your tongue and the press of your teeth into my flesh; miss the way my soul sways to your smiles as your smiles wash over me affectionately; so fluid, so subtle and so mesmerizing. you should know that i can never bring myself to ecstasy the way you would; miss you, miss you , miss you a lot, a lot, lover ! please please come back ! melt with me one more time ! there’s always space for you in my heart, between my thighs, beneath my finger-nails, atop my tongue and inside my eyelids.  i breathe your name into the dark sky, pleading with the stars to carry my secrets and my tears to god.

i know none of this will translate into reality and i don’t mean for my words to be profound or planned or poetic. it’s just that i tucked you away in every atom of my body for times i need to feel alive; it’s just that i’m captivated and alas, i’m nothing more than a shadow thirsting to kiss you once more; it’s just that i still can’t remember my dreams. it’s just that tonight, i will bundle up all of the pain that exists inside of me which tugs at my heart’s skin and knead it until i’ve created something beautiful.

time is watching on and smiling as my tiny heart aches and aches and aches….

 

sunday

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/17/2017

it’s a rainy sunday today and i’m up earlier than usual. why is it when i don’t have to wake up by a certain time, i wake up anyway even without an alarm and am also as wide eyed as possible and completely awake. come monday this feeling changes. i’ll be hitting the snooze like several hundred times and i’d get up at the very last second of the point of no return. i stayed in bed as long as i could, pillow over my face to block out any hint of sunrise (it was around 4 a.m.) and was thinking of everything. i ruminate on my conversations of the past days and i analyze to make sure i got things right and i haven’t imagining.

it’s 4 a.m. and i want to fall asleep to the cleansing rain. i’m listening to the light tip tip tip sounds when the raindrops were hitting my window pane. i’m listening to the quiet between the rainfall and i can’t help wondering, what do i like more; the silence between the rain or the sounds of the rain itself. it’s so wonderful and i’m imagining myself somewhere in a magical mysterious land, where everything is so serene and peaceful and all i could hear is the gentle breeze and take in the grassy sceneries and no humans in sight. the inbetween silence is growing wider and i think rain is dwindling away and it’s like this negative space i’m sliding into; the suburbia gives the illusion of a quiet suburbia when it cloaks itself with night but it screams itself into a city in the morning.

for the past few days it’s been super cold and windy and all of the city of philadelphia clung to my body an inch thick and no matter how much i bathe, it won’t come off.

i have an intelligent brain and heart, and i know what it means to live. everything else has been a wonderful, indulgent embellishment. i have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. the ability to just sit and talk philosophically, logically about things i care and cherish; life, love, death, kittens, anything or about everything. little complexities of life which paint with a palette of glorious colors. i was in love with a boy once; he played his piano for me. told me to close my eyes when he played and to tell him what i felt or what color i saw. i lied to him as i didn’t see any colors lol. i spent wee hours of the second day of a new year, under the moon, with him, huddled in comforters, thinking i’ve all the time in the world, and everything around us slowed down, bound by no obligation, to speak without regret or fear of consequence. to talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. later that year, i lost him.

i became mute. people around me think i’m shy and i want to shake them hard and tell them no i’m not. i’ve been silent for a long time but i’m full of everything and anything and i’m brimming over with so many things to say but i forgot how to say it.  i have always been dependent on my loneliness & my sadness which became utter depression when he died. how hollow i felt ! always just about six feet under the ground and feeling dead in my skin. and i kept thinking and relying on the seasons to tell me what to feel and i acted accordingly. i tried to be bubbly in spring, utterly naked with the falling of autumn leaves, and dutifully depressed during cold, grey winters.

i haven’t clicked my shoes three times and called out ‘there is no place like home’ but god has been good and everything turned out ok. i’m reviewing my past and when i looked back at her, i still think she’s a stranger, immature and sad. she looked like a photo of someone i once knew but am trying to remember.

in a few minutes i’ve to get out of my bed & get myself into the gym. it’s very easy for me to get lost into my solitude and in the labyrinths of my ribs. i like cuddling my soft kittens as a form of assurance. cats are like the furry version of balls of sunshine to play with on a dank drizzly day like this. well, bonjour !

update: later in the day, i watched patriots and steelers and wow, what a game !! patriots are my boys and i am thrilled for them and the upcoming superbowl !

 

finding myself

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/15/2017

i kept crawling on the edges and hiding in the curtains for so long, and i keep laughing. it’s impossible to classify how many different kinds of laughter there are, but sometimes you mean and sometimes you laugh and you don’t mean and then there’s the ones you feel and the one’s you don’t. on my birthdays i laugh as hard as one should laugh on that day as that is such a monstrous joke. decades worth of yelling and screaming, growing and running, feeling and tears. here i am once again lying on my stomach on my red (egyptian) cotton bed sheets, and laughing like i was happy. like i was a while ago and now what seems like another life.

this may be the low or it may be the calm before (or was it after ?) the storm. the storm of happiness. the storm of growth. the storm of love. i found you and you made me whole, and you fixed the cracks in my heart, and stimulated my brain into happiness. very few made me wonder how on earth i’d ever felt that empty, that scared, that completely alone. there was more joy and feeling behind my laughter than i’d ever known possible. i felt fixed and i felt healed and i felt whole. instead of wondering what i was missing, i wondered how i had gotten so lucky. things i wanted to happen started happening, and the concept was so foreign that i felt like it wasn’t possible. floating in a sea of blue eyes, smiles, and glances, of shared ideas and shared moments, and way more than one too many coincidences.

i never believed in fate before, and i shouldn’t have wanted to after i met you. this is love, but some people call it fooling yourself, and it was introduced to me by you. i shook its hand, but nothing further. you touched my hand, but nothing more. i let you touch my heart, but that’s on me, not you. apparently all those fireworks i saw were for my eyes only, or you were just hiding your eyes. call it destiny, fate, old-fashioned coincidence, or look up a study pertaining to why human beings make something out of nothing. and i thought there is hope, but i know it’s one-sided.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy.  my thoughts can save me but my thoughts can kill me as well. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we are talking about peace of mind. believe what i can while i can, because here i am again, lying in bed and i haven’t been happy in months.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s because i am still human

for always keeping my fingers crossed

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

today is the first snow of winter 2017 and it’s snowing softly… it’s such a pleasure for me to see the snow fall. it’s like the whole damn city is getting washed of all it’s dirt and sins.

i keep thinking i need to open up the windows and let the change in and sweep out my past and all the memories.

now a days i am sleeping in odd angles on my bed because of my kids who are now in my bed. may be i should have gotten a california king bed.

my mood – “everything is blooming most recklessly; it it were voices instead of colours, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night – rilke”

it has been hard lately battling with myself and wanting an ordinary life and wanting someone to call my own. to come home to and to rest my head against his shoulder. i keep dreaming silly dreams like holding hands and walking around the streets lit with christmas lights.

you know how sometimes you bump into someone and you think they are really great ? you find it hard to sleep because thoughts of him keeps you awake and you spend a couple of weeks trying to find out all the little details, complicated conversations that seem to be opening up the way for something good.

things are good. but deep down, the probability of something so abstract actually happening seems a little absurd and so surreal. in spite of me keeping my heart checked, i keep dreaming about all these little things to do with him and the chances of these little wishes and dreams happening are slim to none, but i believe in the potential of my dream and so none of the realities matter.

i’ve been trying not to hold all of this against you, taking my time & biting my tongue, closing my eyes early, trying to put it all into perspective. it’s easy to place blame where it doesn’t belong, swollen with anger reflecting things i can’t wrap my fists around. the long drives i take at night and managing to pick a decent soundtrack of songs, i was so hushed keeping my eyes peeled for the reflection of deer eyes. but these days, i’m exhausted by the silences, all these sentences too jumbled to make sense, pulling them out of the patterns in my skin. there are too many risks i take without any understand of where i am going, what i am working towards, they keep tugging on every part of me.

i have swooned and i’m swooning and placed all bets on a losing (already lost) dream. and when all these dreams of mine come to a crashing halt, it shouldn’t really hurt or sting or feel like a sucker punch, because i knew it was coming.

but it does, and i don’t want to admit this but i have placed all my hopes in the wrong basket and i forgot to hide them before it was too late.