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a summation of my weekend

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

10/22/2017

i got a new cat yesterday (oct. 21). well he is not a “new” per se, but he is a stranger for us, so “new” ? his human told me that she can’t take care of him anymore and if i won’t take him she may have to put him down and so, i got a new kitty. his name is zach but as i detest human names for cats, i call him zz and he replies. he isn’t happy to be in a home of so many kids. my kids are ok with him as they know their mama has this habit of rescuing pets. but zz won’t have it. he was growling at my kids so everyone is giving him room to grow. everyone except my cat tickles…

my husband named only three cats in our household. tickles was our first child. when we got married, this is the first thing my husband did… looked in papers to find a little kitten for adoption. i mean, he couldn’t wait. i mean it was day two of my living with him and i am still unsure of sleeping next to him. my husband and i never lived together before marriage as i am against any kind of premarital things as i’m not only god fearing but also a feminist.  so when he found an advert for free kitten and off he dragged me to this place and the moment he saw her, he says “i’m naming her tickles” and we brought her home and deposited me and the little one at home and went off again to buy a camera, a video recorder and toys for her and i mean, he didn’t buy those for recording us (jace and me) but for his baby and tickles is the queen of the house and she growls when she hears someone coming to the door and when zz growled at her, she stomped her little foot and growled and hissed back at him to let him know that it’s her kingdom and she makes the rules and the boy zz calmed down and stopped growling. but for realz tho… i really hate people for this reason. you know, people who get pets and when the animals get older, they discard them. i mean, it’s your fucking responsibility… ? didn’t you realize when you got them in the first place that they are going to get older ? but well, i can’t let someone put down a cat or anything else just because…

i’ve been thinking a lot about symbolism lately. not something grand like trying to turn life into a metaphor, but tiny things…. simple things…. the pieces of life left behind in spite of being whipped and tossed and turned upside down by life… and finding in them still alive, the quiet strings of humanity. there are such things in my world that brings together so many other worlds. i suppose they are forgotten, futile belongings that aren’t rendered meaningful until they’re looked underneath a different light.

like the library i was in where i kissed the boy who meant everything to me… ever ! i don’t remember the aisle number or i don’t remember what shirt i was wearing but all i remember was the faint smell of his shower soap (he just came from playing tennis) but listen…lives interlace… strings are formed and they tangle and they knot. sometimes they fray and they break but there are always these details.

and then something jogs your memory. like this song.. what can be more beautiful than that ? i quite accidentally listened to this song at work the other day (i play music to concentrate on what i’m doing) and i almost screamed and stopped the song but it was too late and so i put it back on. this is one of those memories which incite pain and “what could i have been if julien were alive” and for the first time i listened to the lyrics, i mean i paid good attention to the lyrics.

this afternoon i was on my beautician’s table getting waxed and i had my headphones on. when you are naked from waist down to get a brazilian by a total stranger (she isn’t my regular person) you occupy yourselves with something i was listening (on repeat) to the song i just uploaded this morning.

this is a song, sung by florent pagny and written by the french demigod pascal obispo who i love and adore…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re8-plydcte

i will post the lyrics (english translation) after the post. but i remember when i first heard the song which was introduced to me by julien. i don’t talk much about him as i locked him up in my heart forever.  i was still in my late teens (god i am old) life was rosy then and he and i were students in united states (kansas) (he was french and interestingly i only dated french men) and we went to someone’s home to spend the afternoon. and there’s a grand piano in the living room and julien played this song while the sun fell quietly like a soft satin curtains and the windows were open with a tiny suggestion of a breeze. by the end of the song, he had tears in his eyes and i was never loved by anyone (including my parents) the way he did and i supposed i shouldn’t complain much because i was so loved by him and someone told me i can capture a moment by writing and i understand that i could create life if i pressed against paper gently enough and i believe that’s the god’s way. falling like a light…. butterflies courting each other, and falling in a pirouette and faint perfume of lavender blossoms and a train passing and the world a still life…  and me my eyes closed, a frame…

i was listening to the song with my eyes closed and getting waxed and my hands folded on my tummy and my chin turned slightly upwards to the light and my entire being was breathing and trying to recreate the moment.

i’ve been trying to write postcards but all of them end up blank. i memorized the address, you know. the one he gave me and i am stuck at the comma after his name and i’m overwhelmed and lost with all the things i want to tell the blue eyed boy t, but i can’t. i sit at my desk and remembering the moment i met him and was too scared to ask how the moonlight was like back in his little town. my desk has no drawers or compartments but filled with thousands of little secrets and he is one of them… he is a thousand of them. i’ve been thinking of symbolism today, of how i kept all the post it notes he gave me (with plane schedules for work) and i’ve fallen in love with the things men (two) left behind and small mementos of things that were once beautiful. i keep falling for things they leave behind . i keep falling for their details of the memories and collecting them and keep falling… i keep falling..

TONIGHT I’M PLANNING TO READ SHAKESPEARE BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING SEXY !

Savoir Aimer (lyrics in english) “Knowing how to love”

Knowing how to smile,
To a stranger that passes by,’
Without keeping any traces,
Except the pleasure,
Knowing how to love
Without anything in return,
Without regard for, nor big love
Not even the hope of being loved
Simply, knowing how to give,
Giving without expecting anything.
Doing nothing excepting learning,
Learning to love
Loving without expectations,
Loving,
Learning to smile,
Only for the deed,
Without expecting anything else ,
And learning to live
And then go.
Knowing how to wait and
Tasting that full happiness,
That’s given to you a little bit by chance,
So much so that it was unexpected.
Seeing oneself and believing in it
To lure the fear from the emptiness Anchored like wrinkles
which tarnish mirrors,
Knowing how to suffer
In silence, without a word,
Nor defence, nor armor
Suffering to the point of wanting to die
And getting up again,
Like ones rises from one’s ashes.
With so much love to resell
That one makes a complete
break with one’s past.
To dream for two,
Only by closing the eyes,
And knowing how to give,
Giving without any hurt,
Nor half measure,
Learning to rest,
Wanting until the end
Staying despite everything,
Learning to love,
And then leaving,
And then ….moving (on).

ramblings

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

10/19/2017

yesterday morning was a bit chilly and misty and rainy and all i wanted to do was eat copious amounts of cupcakes and have a little food coma. my coworker tommy, who ims me all the time was like “turn up the heat outside” and i read that little note and i walked out as i wanted to get some coffee from the cafetaria, but his particular note stuck with me and all of a sudden i remembered my cats’ reaction to weathers of this nature and i was merrily cackling in front of the elevators. i do such things sometimes. while waiting for the elevators, people can find me doing ballet moves or not moving through the revolving door because i am too busy texting friends and as such holding up the people behind me. anyway, back to my babies. when the weather is too cold or too hot i don’t let them out because as their mama i care for them and i want them not to get sick as after all i may not have carried them in my womb, but i raised them and they are my babies. they sit on the window sill, meowing away till their lungs hurt, asking me to open the window so they can go outside and i’m like no you may not because it’s cold (or hot) outside but they don’t understand this and finally as a mother i give in so they can go out; but they immediately get back in demanding me to do something about the weather ! it always makes me smile when they do that and lately i’m finding dead “gifts” in oddest places and so i am thinking this weekend, i will go through my house and search for anymore such “gifts”. also thinking of starting the fire place so we can lounge in front of the fire and listen to the melodious jazzy blues… before you ask, dear blog, yes i would love my blue eyed boy lying next to me. confession: i really don’t think i’ve a chance with him for several reasons; one of them being, i don’t think he would want my cats and i need someone to love my kids and raise them as his own. and my cats are my priority and my family and if i have to choose……. i’m okay being single and miserable but with cats.

the sun finally came out yesterday towards the afternoon. along with the sun dreams of rose colored skies, pastel clouds, high winds which would fly me as high as i want to go…. and dream i did thinking of the blues of my boy’s eyes and in the depths of his blues, i feel small…. i kept talking to him today (most days) about the work, but silently i keep asking him “i see galaxies in your eyes and how come you can’t even find a star in mine”…. i swallow my words; my tears; and i am thinking i may have to start planning my exit strategy.

just crawled into bed after a long night at gym and a late dinner with a friend, curled up under a pile of blankets and cats, eyes swollen with sleep and held back tears.  there’s three inches between my body and the edge of the bed and four cats are sleeping in that three inch space and couple more decided they will use me as their bed…

i don’t always want to be this way, eyes swollen and goodbyes barely whispered over the phones, but i’ve got wishes in these hands of mine and i think the blog is worth handing them off to. i feel conflicted and a bit guilty but my heart is always beating loudly in these fingertips of mine. i hope that you can feel it through these words. i hope that, through these disguised words, you can see right through them and after all they are translucent ghosts made of truth. i’m not afraid of this distance in miles and i’m not afraid of missing him so badly that i feel that my bones may shake themselves loose. i’m afraid tho, that may be sometimes, my anxieties may spill into words and that all the conversations i keep having with him in my mind are not enough to satiate me and that i may cross into reality unknowingly and spill my words to him and ugh, i’m really, really, really glad that i have him in my life and my words are dedicated to the boy who holds my heart without even knowing that he has it and sometimes that is the absolute best thing to be able to give someone else.

it definitely started feeling like fall outside and things are gonna be ok.

also i’m a bad actor and waiting for someone else to ask the questions and i skillfully avoid them with passion and purpose. this is strange for me to admit to the internet. sorry !

i

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

ask me how to break up with a boy without dating….  i fell into him in a complicated way, i was desperately trying not to love or hate, pressing my hot tears back into the eye lids… i keep dancing around this boy who probably cares for me as a person. i kept pushing him away while wanting him to declare his undying love for me. i keep spending time tapping my fingers against my knees, and shaping words telling him things i want him to know and cataloging them in my mind before racing home to scribble them into the computer

i wait patiently for the night to turn into day, when i get to see him and spend long nights penning anecdotes and feelings and emotions onto paper. i bitterly fight with myself over my feelings for this boy, sometimes even silently and i am building frustrations in my mind but never expressing them, just waiting for all my emotions to boil over and consume me and leave me dead. i said somethings i shouldn’t have, spending too much time gazing at blank spots, hoping somehow my wishes would come true and oh, all the weekends i sit alone, restless but unwilling to do anything but hold fast to the future.

spring came without warning, and i grew silent and let it shroud me like a ghost. i kept hoping that i get wrapped up in this boy, and that i would be kept up at night sby romantic conversations; conversations promising something that would leave me loved and change me.

i learned how to say goodbye to loved ones. i learned to stop feeling sorry for myself and am allowing life to capture me again, letting seasons to swallow me whole and spit me out. keep collecting memories and stacking them in old suitcases, remembering how to be reckless and remembering to keep my head down, and hearts full. i made some plans, allowing myself to be honest to myself and challenging myself to learn how to be brave. learning to grow closer to people who are important to me, i let my hair get short and remembering that i have a heart.

i prepared for a new start, settling in to the ruins, accepting the inevitability and consequences, conquering public transportation, and long line of city blocks, i had to accept some things, i was afraid to admit to myself, still afraid to say it out loud. i am writing and writing and writing, scribbling love letters on post-it-notes before folding them and refolding them into my pant pockets, un-mailing sentiments and confessions to the boy.

I keep hearing stories… some broke me, some built me. i keep gathering up people’s pieces and collecting their hopes and how waves of courage tug them on their edges.

i am in winter now and i’m thinking of curling up lazily in front of the fireplace and remember that home isn’t always about place, but also a family, even if it is made of cats and kittens. i see my friends break and i am unable to fix them. i am spending my nights wishing someone was here with me. i sit in closets. i keep my hands folded in my lap and i think of new plans for my future. i am preparing myself for what is next. i am learning tho i am broken, i am beautiful and understanding what taking a risk feels like and how to be brave. someone at work today said i am conquering in a different context, but i still have so much to conquer. i am giving the boy up to the universe as my friend said and am spending this night missing him, my eyes full of tears and my heart full of love, and i remain.

City of Stars

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10/14/2017

Had a very long day. Actually had a couple of long days. Friday morning I woke up around 5 am and was lazily stretching when I suddenly remembered I have no sugar for my coffee…. NO SUGAR ! FOR MY COFFEE ! in a brief moment of insanity I thought I would get coffee at work and I looked at the time and it was 5:07 a.m. and I panicked and I know I can’t last that long… I mean, I don’t get into work till 8:30 am ! I never moved so fast in my life… I was up in a flash, pulled my pants on and dropped into a t-shirt and a pull over and took the pocked book and car keys and out of the house and back in the house in a half hour and saved myself.

After Church today I went to my cousin’s place as she now has a boyfriend and I am not sure how I should be reacting to it. It’s a lengthy story and I want to go write about my heart break and so I will fill you later, but went I to her house and had a lovely time with her and her boyfriend and got back home safe as she lives in Bensalem and I live way East.

Fed my cats and fed myself and sat and wondered if I should watch La La Land and then I did. The pull of Jazz was way too much for me to contain !

So i watched La La Land and I am seduced AGAIN by Jazz… A movie like La La Land is for the people who have open hearts and imaginative minds. Such a beautiful movie with dynamic uses of film and music that will clutch at your soul with every fiber of your being. The ending is raw and beautiful and the bitter sweet lesson that will have you sobbing. The montage ending scene moved me to tears in the most wonderful way. I’ve never been happier to be sad and sad to be happy and all at once.

The movie is a joyous, romantic, energetic, heartbreaking and just so damn fun !

Just listen to this beautiful piano piece – City of Stars

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yE5PWwoE_3Y

Midnight in Paris

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10/11/2017

Midnight in Paris : I had the best night tonight since 2014; I spent this evening with my best friend who is visiting Philly and we both sat in our favorite haunt, Max Brenner (shout out to the baldman) and reminisced and caught up and loved every second of it. It’s my Midnight in Paris, part 2. Love her and enjoyed every minute hanging out with her.

Interestingly my short-lived love affair with jazz started one night after I watched Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris (with my friend). I always have romanticized the 1920s but the movie triggered a night’s worth of appreciation. I remember sitting on a chair near my window and listening to the sounds of Louie Armstrong while watching the night sky. That evening was so pleasurable that I made it a weekly habit that lasted about six months…

but sometimes you just find less time (and freedom) to enjoy nights alone, esp if you were not alone and at that time I had a husband who didn’t appreciate my music jazz or otherwise as he was into hard rock. so I slowly drifted off and finally I stopped listening to jazz.

Flash forward to the present, meeting and spending this night with my friend resurfaced memories of those times and the nights where I suppressed the habit of watching TV, or playing video games but rather indulged in jazz music. I am wondering if I should watch La La Land and if I would be seduced by Jazz for a second time. Although the film is set in modern times, this movie’s protagonist is a passionate jazz musician, played by Ryan gosling. And speaking of Ryan Gosling, my friend nick named my current crush (blued eyed kitty) as ryan gosling (for whatever reasons lol)

Imagine meeting this boy at “roaring twenties” theme party. The venue is stunning – crystal chandeliers, feather accents, and touches of art deco patterns on every surface. And he walks in and meanders through the crowd and asks you to dance, but you tell him you don’t know the steps; he says it doesn’t matter. You spend the rest of the night bonding over jazz, and spectacularly failed dance moves.

also as an update on my life, i have been trying to write some poems about my crush again, and so far, they are all ending with “we are two big idiots”. so i think it’s going REALLY WELL !!