wake up, here’s coffee, the boy said and how can one not listen to someone who is warm and soft and bringing me a cup of coffee ? and off he went after kissing my forehead as i stayed home to rest and recover. yesterday (sunday) i came down with sudden fever and runny nose and i decided i will stay home as i thought i would get worse. but by this afternoon, i started feeling much better and i started wondering if my asthma condition is actually working for me instead of against me as i had had a few cold / flu episodes but they didn’t last more than couple of days and yes these episodes onset suddenly and violently but they are gone before i could say to myself “i should go to a doctor”.
when i got my asthma episode a few years ago (2011), i begged and prayed to god to make my lungs stronger but i think as it is always with god, he knows what’s best for me and now i’m convinced that he is delaying in order to prepare me for corona virus.i am thinking that corona has no chance with me and in all probability i would be susceptible but i think it would pass through me quickly as i’m an asthmatic and because of asthma, my lung architecture is already changed and my body is used to coping with little oxygen, fluid in lungs and all that good stuff, asthmatics regularly put up with. also, as yours truly is a very wise woman, since the first news broke about wuhan pneumonia like disease way back in january, as a scientist i knew it’s only a matter of time it will spread and get to the states (but i didn’t think it would spread this fast) and i started on an immune boosting regimen and thus i’m quite prepared for the eventuality of covid 19 infection (including updating my beneficiary list).
as the market is in free-fall i have spent the last few days moving around the stocks and monies and adjusting the money i save every month. i think i will probably diversify into precious metals and need to research the coming days.
i spent the weekend putting together the gorgeous lamp and trying to organize the shit i dragged home from the storage to sort out and throw out. i made few appointments for next sunday to interview for a housekeeper. the day light savings time is upon us again to my distress and we lost an hour of sleep. i have been getting up an hour earlier than necessary for my kids’ sake as my kitties have been needier lately, and want to cuddle me when i’m trying to get ready. so i have been getting up earlier so i can give them enough cuddle time before i leave.
the dinner-date we had the other night was the best since i have ever had in since the past few years. date nights are nights where couples go out and try to keep the spark alive or have some “we” time. even though we don’t need a “spark” to keep our fire alive as we combust the moment we touch, i discovered that the boy is my best friend. and during that time, we bonded, we talked, we laughed, and we discovered that we both are vulnerable. the whole time we only existed for each together. no phones, no distractions. from the beginning till the night ended our bubble was not disturbed. the energy of that night are what dreams are made of. we had dinner, then went dancing all eyes were on us, some good lol some bad but they still wanted what we had. we kept smiling and giggling. smiles and giggles and here i go again. that i want to trust him but i’m scared not of vulnerability but of his looks of love.
it’s amazing really when you find this one person – the one you never thought would fit quite nicely in the space of your heart as if it’s meant to be there. though as far as you’re concerned, your heart has always known – it danced before you even took the first step forward. it’s beautiful and it fills you with so much love that you don’t know whether to burst and or to run far away so i won’t go through a free fall. and then he reaches down and brushed a strand of hair off my face and it felt like butterfly wings fluttering against my cheeks and i was muttering to myself, “stay, stay, stay” because that, i’ll never get used to that and i hope he doesn’t either. i hope i fill him enough because he fills me enough. because this beautiful boy who touches my dark parts like they’re light, who explores me with such curiosity and vigor that i’m breathless each time he drags his fingers over my skin and it responds in goosebumps. and i kiss him with feelings of gratefulness because sometimes words aren’t enough. and thus i’ve learned the language of his touches and he has learned the definition of my sighs and i nuzzle closer because he’s there, with his smiling eyes and gentle hands, giving and showing me love the way he knows how. and i’m teaching myself to stay and not run away. fingers tightly crossed !
soft delusions 