cats

Hello March !!

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Finally sun has come with bright light and warmth. Weather has been crazy and the equations went something like this

Warmth + no sun = Rainy

Sun + no rain = Cold

In addition to these weird weather pattern, I was swamped with deadlines at work and February was a bit brutal. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and not having sun didn’t help at all.  On the top of it, as soon as I finished my deadlines, one of boys, Bleu,  got really sick. He is 19 years old and he has onset of kidney disease. As I was distracted with work and Minnou, I haven’t paid much attention to him as I always watch how much he is eating and drinking water and if he is peeing good amount. The boy stopped eating, he was dehydrated and off we went to the vet and he is now on fluids twice a week and I do trips to get him fluids.

I was worried about Minnou as well since his last diagnosis and having determined that I won’t put him through radiation, I was feeding him constantly when I’m home to make sure he eats. I am to take him for another check up soon.  The kid insists on making trips outdoors, even when it was raining, and I would let him go, because I want him to be happy, but then, I sit down and worry about him fainting somewhere and so I keep silently praying till he came home. Moms, eh ? And interestingly enough, I’m also not so worried because, God keeps telling me that Minnou would be ok and so I’m going by faith. This week (March 8), I took him to another vet for a second opinion. And she put him on high dose of steroids and it seems to do good for my boy. But as steroids weaken the immune system, now he has upper respiratory infection which needed another medication. But still, God is good. My boy actually put on some weight and he seems to be in good spirits.  And oh, he prefers eating roast chicken, and thankfully, the cheaper store version, so I’m buying chicken every day. I know it’s $10 per day but I really don’t care. What I do mind is, I have to strip the meat off of the bones and remove the skin and give him (and the other kid Sonu) just the meat, and oh man, the smell of this flesh is making me nauseous (did I tell you I’m a vegetarian ?).

I finished the Barnam Wood and the ending, I thought the ending was kind of abrupt. Oh well. I started on Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (March 2nd), but got paused again as I have sick babies to take care of.

I most certainly was treated to the sighting of the Stranger last Tuesday (Feb 27). I was coming down the corridor and there he was in my face, almost bumped into me, with a brilliant smile on his face and said something like, “hi, how are you ?” in a hurry. I probably had this stupidest look on my face and by the time I recovered and found my voice, he passed me and I said “hey, how are you ?” to the space in front of me. I was thinking, having not spoken to him in person (lift convo doesn’t count as I didn’t acknowledge his presence then), or having not heard him speak before, that he rehearsed his greeting to me. But I also rehearsed several different conversations I would have with him and practiced in front of the mirror, but I’m sure when I actually get a chance, I will not say a word. For fuck sakes ! I’m an adult but I behave like a retard. And again yesterday (March 13) I was blessed with another sighting. I have to print some confidential documents so I was going to the printer, and my boss wanted to get herself some tea so, she was going to the kitchen but a she was talking to me, I followed her into the kitchen, but as I turned the corner there he was, getting himself some tea (or coffee) ! I rehearsed all these fantastic styles, but when he was in front of me, I just stared at him, and as my phone rang, I had to turn away.

Yesterday, I got home and I was thinking, this won’t do. Oh, btw, I found out he may be married or at least he has kids. So, he goes out of the window for sure. But I need to get over him. So, I’ve this cunning plan !! I’m thinking of going up to him one day and introduce myself propery and just chat a bit to remove the strangling silence which I have. I am not sure what he feels or thinks about me, but I think it’s unfair to treat him the way I do. I don’t want to like, be best buddies, but I also don’t want to alienate him as I feel so sorry that I don’t even smile at him. Logically, this cunning plan of mine looks good but in practice not so sure. Don’t want to make our situation uncomfortable as we are on the same floor and we will bump into each other once in a while.

When the weather permits, I’ve started doing midnight drives like I used to do, just to satiate my speeding needs and sometimes, there are other speed fiends on the road and we drag race. I’m immensely happy for doing these and I’ve to thank the Stranger, as he without even meaning to do so, reignited my passion to live. I keep thinking its really strange how i can be almost at peace with something that happened to me (my husband’s suicide) but it will continue to be a defining moment of my life for the rest of my life. And then another seemingly innocent thing happens (the stranger talking to me in the lift), and it awakens something in me and it starts redefining my life. It’s like, my life in two acts !!

Anyway, today the sun touched my face and it was glorious !!

February – 2024

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I’m trying to wrap my brain around the concept of one of the things I read this week. It’s “Time Reversible” and it’s physics and involves a lot of mathematics and my brain hurts. The other thing I learned this week is “atmospheric rivers” which is currently wreaking or wreaked havoc in California.

Life is strange, eh ?!? Curiouser and Curiouser (crediting Lewis Carroll) So this happened a while ago (Jan 24) but I wasn’t ready to post it. Even though I’m not planning on pursuing the Stranger, I still want to sneakily see him and get to know him a bit. Is it wrong for me to hold on to someone for my sanity and happiness ? I’m so infatuated with him. Constantly thinking of him. So that day when an opportunity fell into my lap without me even trying, I just took it. I had a choice to talk to him face to face or just call him. I wanted to talk to him but of course, I royally chickened out because I thought he can read me and I’m pretty sure I would make myself a jackass anyway. So I IM’d him and chatted for a bit. He was actually very nice and polite and gave me the info I was told to get. I also made up something and asked him and my hope was I would actually get him in person but of course, he can’t help me (mistake on my part) and he introduced me to someone else who can help me. I’m now like stuck with this other person. Man, I wanted to scream !! Anyway, everyone else has Paris, I have this IM.  

The thoughts of him make me happy and at the same time I’m so split and confused. I want to continue to get to know him but I’m worried that I may end up hurting him.  What if he finds out I’m only talking to him because of my big eyed puppy love and what then if he doesn’t care about me in that way ? I should stop but I’m getting deeper into this situation.

Curiouser still, this other thing happened on Thurs (Feb. 1). As I live on social media sites when I’m home, from time to time I comment or leave sarcasm on posts other than cats and nature. In one of those instances, I don’t remember when, but I kind of wrote a positive comment about one of the NFL QB who had to leave early with an injury. So this QB messaged me asking to exchange messages with him. Like I’d fall for that crap !! but ok, I did message him for shits & giggles and I told him that. He replied something like, if you behave like this you are not worthy of being my fan. Of course, I couldn’t let that pass, and so I knocked him back into his place very politely. And my argument with him was, he is not the QB ! and he stresses that he is and of course he will be claiming that even if he is not; there are three possibilities of who he could be. 1. It’s an AI. 2. A fake guy trying to click bait young girls and take advantage of them. 3. He is really what he says.

He being the real QB is less than 0.5% probability. But I wanted to see where this thing leads and we are exchanging messages – so far nothing scandalous just exchanging basic information. I can’t tell you his name as I promised him to keep it a secret, and just in case he is the real deal, can’t break that promise. But will keep you posted.

Today (2/3) is a good day. Sun is out in his glorious brilliance. Once I got home from church, and finished our lunch, me a boiled egg, my kitties KFC which I picked up while coming back from church; after that my cats (all three, Minnou, Sonu & Bleu), and I walked around our tiny apartment opening and closing cupboards, moving the little fridge, lifting the boxes and checking under the tables for invisible mice. After that I made myself a cup of coffee and while listening to the worship songs, sat outside out in the Sun exchanging messages with the QB. So I’m happy, yes !!

into the mists

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Driving to work on Wednesday (Jan 24) and Thursday was just a glorious experience for me as the mornings were layered in thick fog and dense mists (slightly drizzly) and the mornings were just enough cool and with low clouds enveloping everything and making the visibility quite low. But I loved it !! I love the mist; I could get lost in the mists and it covers up the ugliness; making everything look just right, fresh, naive, innocent, mysterious, unknown and strange and gives an illusion as if we are looking back at a former memory.  While driving in the mornings I listen to worship songs and on these mornings I have messianic jewish alliance group’s worship songs (which are in hebrew). And that made the experience more profound. I could be the only person on the road. I have recently came upon this group on youtube, and I just fell in love with the songs which I don’t understand by themselves as I don’t know hebrew, but they kindly provided translation on the screen so I can follow and these are such powerful words and right for my soul. And the whole experience was truly transcendental. (for eg: Praise to Our God 5 Concert Ashuv Eleicha; Praises of Israel – Halev Poretz; Hebrew worship from Israel – Father of all mercies)

I haven’t gone in on Tues as our building had an inspection and I stayed home to make sure my babies won’t freak out when strangers come in.

I was at the church for the sabbath (Jan 27) services and I went a bit late, I ended up sitting on the last pew. There were three people in the pew in front of me. A white guy flanked by two women (indian ? or some other country with similar skin tones).  Anyway, both girls literally sandwiched him and I was confused. Time to time, we get visitors of all kinds and of course it is a sanctuary, and it is open to everyone because obviously savior is designed for sinners. One woman is pregnant. The other woman was clinging to this guy so much so I thought may be she is the girl friend but then again the other pregnant woman was also showing similar show of affection and I’m ashamed and embarrassed to admit that these people took up all my attention more than the church service. Anyway, as I said God is for sinners. After the church service, I stood up and was putting on my coat when the guy stood up turned around and shook my hands and greeted me with “happy sabbath”. So at least, the guy is familiar with my church and I am further ashamed for thinking negative thoughts about these people without knowing for certain what their relationship is.  If I find out more, I will let you know.

It was a rainy Sunday and what else is new ! For a few days now, I’ve been picking up a leaf here and a leaf there (dried of course) which were seen in my little apartment and I thought, I was bringing them in from outside as they were stuck to the bottom of my shoes when walking in. But the leaves are always nice and unbroken. So I was mildly curious and I have finally cracked the mystery today (Sunday). It’s my baby Sonu who apparently is on a quest to find the best leaf or something like that. He is bringing them in once a while (he brought two today) and is bringing one leaf per trip.  He brought in a leaf today while drenching from his head to the tip of his tail. I have to take a photo of his new found fascination.

On Sunday (Jan 28) afternoon I had to go to the fedex shop to get some brochures printed for next week’s church services and also pickup my weekly provisions. Before I left I called the fedex to find out if I can get it printed right away as I need one of the associates to do this for me and the guy assured me that it woud be done right away. But when I went there, apparently right after my phone call, he got a big job so now I have to wait. I was furious. I mean, I bothered to call and find out and stuff and I organized my chores around this. But I was in a pickle and had to wait. So I was in a corner fuming and was waiting, needless to say, somewhat impatiently for my stuff.  Another chap walked in and obviously he also needed to get something printed and the associate goes “sorry I have a big job to finish first and then, do you see that young lady with the cloud on her head, she is next in line”.  I ask you !! if I were literally have a cloud on my head I would probably send a lightening or two in his direction !

Here are a few of the mist photos.

Winter – January Edition

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So we had our full taste of winter, with proper snow and ice and slush. Snow arrived a day earlier than it was predicted, late Monday night (Jan 15) and by Tuesday morning we had snow and later in the day sleet followed. We didn’t particularly have a lot of snow per se, I forget now, but I think it was about 2 to 3 inches but later that day, it turned into sleet / a little bit of freezing rain, so it totally became sheet of ice and as the temps dipped by Tuesday night it was a bit miserable by Wednesday morning.  I worked from home on Tuesday and worked on removing the layers of snow as I know I have to get into work on Wed.

So come Wed morning (Jan 18), I was in my car a half hour earlier than usual to warm up the car because the morning temps were at 9 F and the windchill is probably in -ve something F. There was a big message on my car dash saying “pressure dropped. Add air”. I never added air in my tires and it was like 6:30 a.m. and no one would be open, even if they were to open on time but with the weather we had the previous day, I wasn’t too sure if they would even open on time. So I parked myself in front of a car mechanic place and after an hour later they arrived so I could get air in my tires so I get to work.  The mechanic explained why the air pressure went down and that I could probably have been fine driving but I didn’t particularly want to take a chance as it was bloody cold out with winds. The roads were well maintained thankfully so had no further issues.

As if to have a repetitious theme, we had another round of snow on Friday, so we again went through the motions of dusting off the car, warming it up, etc.

In the meantime, my kids were very miserable, because I won’t let them out, and I kid you not, if I let them, they will go out in the chilly wind, and also low temps. I don’t mind them going out but for the fact that there is snow and the temps are way into single digits even without windchill factoring in and I don’t want the snow thing sticking to their paws and may be between their toes and I don’t want them getting frost bite. But of course, they don’t understand no matter how much I explained.

I let Sonu out on 1/17 and it was the quickest walk he did. He took a couple of steps and backed out. But he ventured a bit more on Friday’s snow but I was scared that he may go down, so I got hold of him and brought him back inside.

Minnou didn’t gave me a lot of trouble as he just tries to open the door to escape. But I learned to lock the doors. Sonu is a first class passive aggressive kitty and eloquently grumpy. See his royal highness in all his glory of being eloquently grumpy. He plants himself in front of me and stares me down and sometimes making his eyes half closed as if he is squinting and if looks could kill !!

I also exchange slow blinks with him when he is in good mood and he loves to give soft bites when he is feeling lovey dovey !!

Temps are supposed to improve this week and we would go into balmy 30s and may even hit 60 come Friday.

Here are a few photos of snow and Sonu.

cat and a cake

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It’s been a while since I got into the mood to write as it has been raining, and raining and raining and apparently been raining. To top it, we had a lot of winds (gusting at apprx 50 miles / hour) so it was not fun at all. Mainly ’cause I park my suv on the street and sure enough, there was a big fat branch which broke off a few meters from my car (1/9 – 1/10). Not fun  !! as I’m writing this (Saturday night 1/13) I can hear the winds again, and also our temps are  tumbling down to below zero for the next few days and they are calling it for snow. Our forecast about snow now-a-days is like we think it’s gonna snow but may be not. So for Monday night / Tuesday they are calling for pretty white cold flakes to fall from sky. Will they ? Won’t they ? Will we get an inch ? may be six inches ? What we know for a fact is we once again have another “it may. It may not” day coming.

 I don’t know if aging is a good thing or a bad thing or it’s just a thing, which we can’t avoid, but I feel like aging really suits me on the inside. Especially now, since the day I met the stranger, who inadvertantly caused a chain reaction in me, and shook me out my cocoon, so to speak. I feel more independent and important, constantly pushing myself and discovering things I wasn’t aware of before. I’m growing into my skin once again, and unfolding my wings, gaining strength, and ready to take flight.

I decided to not pursue the stranger. I’m, however, grateful to him and I do entertain this fictional romantic life with him. It’s like my secret, to have a recurring fantasy about him; with him and probably if I have a mind, I could make it into a soft porn. I figured this too shall pass. Especially if I don’t know him. And I don’t want to know about him for sure, purely because, I don’t want to get crushed.  I’m afraid to find out if he has someone or that he is not all that I made out to be. So this is safe in my opinion. Also he is an american and their idea of romance is, huh, non-existent. And I need thorough romance; like I need to be serenaded, write me poems, and give me fresh flowers every day and tell me sweet nothings. Also he is in accounting and they work with numbers. So basically very emotionless. I have been praying about him though for his health and well being in general.

Here’s my darling sleeping Minnou tucked in a bread basket which was a part of Christmas gift my boss sent. Any shipping containers which I receive, are repurposed for a while, as sleeping boxes for my cats. I throw them out after they get soiled or if someone decides to throw up a hairball on them. Somedays I have multitude of boxes which drive me insane. Minnou recovered a lot from his adventure of getting lost.

I was relaying this story to everyone I know of how he got lost and somehow found his way back. The title I gave to this journal entry is cat and a cake which is quite suitable because of the short story which wrote itself. I previously mentioned that I bought a big fat chocolate mousse cake on 12/30 and lo and behold, on 12/31 the kid returned. So I made a dent into the cake on 12/30 and I didn’t have the necessary sadness to finish the cake because my boy returned and now I have a big fat chocolate mousse cake in my fridge. I tried to bring it to work but no one showed interest and now I’m sure it’s stale and I have yet to throw it out. May be I should freeze it like people do with their wedding cakes as a souvenir of the lost and found cat !!

I haven’t made any resolutions per se, but I did think of living a stress free life. So remove all stress out of my life or as much as possible. I’m trying to make small changes in my lifestyle as I need to shed some pounds which I gained as I was on some steroids (prednisone) which I was stupid enough to take as they are pills and so they are systemic.  But I guess when you are struggling to breathe, things like I will put on weight goes out of the window. Now that I weaned myself off of them, I should be able to shed the weight (fingers and toes crossed) easily enough. To that end, increased water consumption and carving out a regimen. Also having completely destroyed my hair with blow drying, spent a small fortune investing in hair oils, hair masks, bloody expensive shampoos and treatments to nurture my hair to grow back and get the necessary hydration.

And oh ! oh ! oh !! Laboriously made a list of books I want to read this year. I must admit, last year my goal was way way waylaid. It was quite embarrasing really. I listed out about 30 books so far but I want to read at least 50 books. I’ll post the list once I get it done.

I wanna spend more time in the sun and smile more at strangers and stretch my limbs and focus on the details of everyday life and eat more vegetables (work towards becoming a vegan) and nourish my body in every aspect and do things for others just cause i can and  save bugs from being obliterated.

I have been listing out small joys: waking up to the sound of rain, endless hugs from cats, buying myself fresh flowers, discovering new music, pretty sunsets, laughing until my tummy hurts, slow mornings, long showers, random acts of kindness, crawling into bed after a long day, driving with the windows down and singing at the top of my lungs, discovering words for feeling you never knew existed.

I essentially live on tumblr when I’m home; scrolling and looking at videos and photos of cats, or baby animals or any animals really. I need help !

adieu 2023

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(12/30/2023) I think it’s John Keats who said “Touch has a memory”. I miss my cat Minnou, and the head bumps he gave. I’m profoundly sad as my cat Minnou who went out to wander on Christmas morning hasn’t returned. Not sure what happened to him. I walked around the neighborhood looking for him, but as I don’t know where he goes, or how far he ventures, it was really a futile effort. All I can do right now is search my community web page, local SPCA web page to see if someone turned him in. I’m clinging to the hope that he is ok, may be someone caught him and kept him and may be he is lost his way as he ventured out too far chasing a rabbit. I considered it an acceptable risk to let my cats go wandering considering the small span of life they have and I gave importance to their happiness above all else. So here’s to the hope that he would come back to me someday and he is still in our family prayers.

Update (12/31 – 1:20 a.m): Minnou came back. I went to bed around 12 a.m. and woke up to a loud meow and there he was, he came home !! my heart felt like it’s going to explode with the joy, sadness, relief and all sorts of emotions. I hugged him tightly and gave him two cans of food. He lost weight and he is clearly traumatized. I don’t think he was hurt, but he is just got lost. He is sleeping now and I think he is running a little fever. But I want him to recover so I’m not taking him to a vet yet. He stirs a bit in the sleep meowing and I’m calling out to him assuring him that I’m here for him. By the time I went back to bed it was 5 a.m.

Shout out to 2023 – We have survived this year. This is a shoutout to people who started their 2023 in a bad place. Who felt like things were already out of control so early on this year. Who started the new year in pain, in grief, in fear. Remember that most things in life are temporary, and even when the sadness feels overwhelming, it isn’t all you have, and your suffering doesn’t make you less worthy of love

As we are about to start another year and y’all say it with me. I’m about to walk into a soul nourishing year and will make it a most successful year. It is worth to remember some of the many reasons why it is special to be alive. Bats hear shapes; plants eat light; and bees dance maps. We must hold all these ideas at once and feel both heavy and weightless with all this beauty and the absurdity of it all.

As Ann Lamont said, gorgeous, amazing things come into our lives when we are paying attention. To overcome my dull ache and sadness as I was missing minnu, I turned to Bach and a big fat chocolate mousse cake (this is store bought and not from a French patisserie, so it’s not that rich). I always turn to Bach. I spent endless lonely nights with him. There are some pieces of music you always return to when you want peace. When you want to slow down. When you want to relax. Those musical pieces are formative experiences in your lifetime. You connect with them.

Bach must have known how something flutters away when you turn to face the face you caught sideways in a mirror in a hall at dusk and how the smell of apples in a bowl can stop the heart from beating for an instant; and the stars of ice that spread across the window panes and everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music. The musical urge to hear and know until I merge with the dynamics of it all and become my own unique modern day symphony.

On 12/29, I joined a face book page called “West Chester – What was that noise” because our neighborhood has been reporting some big booms with no known source or a concrete explanation. I mean these are like large, noisy booms where the earth shakes, etc. I have been curious for a while now even though I have yet to experience the noise first hand, but as it is my neighborhood thought i would join the fun and read through the explanations.

Time, by slowly working in lengthy durations, has updated memories; erasing all the pain, leaving only smiles to reappear, and helping joys to lean into the shadows; drawing tiny suns there at leisure.

This year has been a year of growth. I learnt to have more room for life, more learning for fun, more taking care of myself. It felt vulnerable at time. But we (I) experienced it all, with strength, perseverance, and love. It’s ok if everything wasn’t amazing. We had good memories and accomplishments despite the rough patches. Here’s to a lovely, full banner for the coming year as well !!

Dec. 22, 2023

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Once you realize you don’t have to do a lot of things or for that matter anything at all, life becomes really simple. Every little spare moment I have, I dedicate it to frolicking with my cats or reading books or journaling. I can cook but I don’t usually. I can clean, but I don’t usually. Well, all that is necessary but I don’t usually bother.

I watched Maestro (Bradley Cooper’s) movie on Netflix while I laid down next to Sonu, as he was slightly moping. I love the way Sonu inserts his paw into my hand (see the pic)…  

I adore the little nugget ! I’m conflicted about this movie. Not because of the story, and Bradley Cooper was glorious, but because I didn’t know the personal stuff about Leonard Bernstein till this movie. I feel that we shouldn’t know about the personal crap about our heroes or those who we respect. As they were (are) also human beings, they will disappoint you tremendously. The same thing happened about Ayn Rand, who wrote Fountain Head, and Atlas Shrugged,  I was like adoring her till I read the biography and of course about Charlie Rose… Really !! I’m not comfortable to also not to acknowledge if they have any predatory patterns, but it’s so disappointing, isn’t it ? But on the other hand, I also learned great things from (auto)biographies of people like Lee Iacocca (former President of Ford), Sam Walton (Wal-Mart founder), Nick Leeson (Rogue Trader).  Best thing I learned is Sam Walton’s how to get revenge on people when they piss you off. Oh well, I dusted off my personal distaste of this movie by listening to some Handel’s Messiah !

Today (12/21)I had to post something to my family in india, and also to get some chicken for my boy, so I actually put on my pants and went out. Apparently, a truck with untucked equipment went under a low bridge of a major highway near my house and damaged the bridge and thus two highways were cordoned off and all the bloody traffic flowed into a highway, near my house which is usually very traffic-less. So I had to find alternate routes to get this couriered off via fedex and then went wading in the traffic to a KFC to get chicken for my boy Sonu as he has been moping that I’m not getting him chicken. Got home and found that the Chewy box came with my kitties nourishment, so went down to bring the heavy box up and I had to rest, half way on the stairs. One of the girls’ boyfriend in the apartment across mine, helped to bring the box up.  Update: Yesterday the police dept. posted this note saying the routes are now open: i admire the person who wrote this note. lol

After finishing up chores like feeding the kitties, clearing some stuff and cooking (yes, I do cook), I finished watching the Swedish series on Netflix, A Nearly Normal Family. It is really well done and I may even read the book to explore some emotions, a little bit triggering if you have anxiety like I do, and also trigger warning as it has rape, but gosh, while shattering and defining what it means to be a family and the dynamics of family in crisis are depicted really marvelously. I also learnt that Swedish justice system works differently than American justice system.

The fact that 2023 is nearly over is actually causing me a bit of anxiety and made me face how much I dissociated mentally and how alienated I was from my own self. I feel like I’m still asleep and just walking through life dazed. The flicker of life which got ignited by the Stranger and is warming me up slowly and helping me from going into full zombie mode. I just need to live in the moment like the animals do. I clustered the forgiving silence in my chest and let it set and fester deep down, causing a certain rot; which I let to grow enough to reach deep through my ribs to where my heart longed to be touched, even if by rot. Now that my heart is lifeless, aged but softened. Perfectly decayed enough to be tender. I just simply need to break off the mold.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Just need to wake up and reap the rewards ! Darling, it’s time to live !

holidays 2023

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Thankfully it’s Christmas season, I’m off for two weeks, come tomorrow. This should give me enough time to calibrate my emotions and bring them to neutral. Though I’m mortified to admit, I’m not that surprised to find I’ve feelings for this Stranger at work.

Some mornings there is a thick mist or fog and it feels like the entire planet is covered up by soft cotton. After feeding my cats, I sit on the metal stairs with a hot mug of coffee and contemplate my life. I can feel emotions happening to me and no, no, no, I don’t like it. I’m feeling like my old self again now a days. And I should really thank this stranger !

The tall, dark, handsome stranger and I keep dancing around each other in circles. I feel like I’m having a déjà vu, you know, that feeling that you’re going through something new, but it feels strangely familiar. It’s as if you’ve been in this situation before because you’ve been there with (or as) someone else who faced something similar. Now that it’s happening to you, it’s like revisiting and rereading an old story, but this time, you’re the main character in a play you once watched from the sidelines. Pretty strange, right ? I don’t know about him, but I’m thinking I’m being very idiotic about this because i don’t know if he is married or has a girl friend ! I don’t want to lust after someone who is married or otherwise engaged and thus break a commandment, but as I don’t know who I should ask at work, I’m sorely tempted to march up to him and demand that he show me his hands ! But as that’s not going to happen, I’m carrying around the fragile pieces of my broken heart clumsily put together. I’ve been writing him letters which I have no intention of sending them to him or posting them online. As much as I love this feeling of being in love, I’m so afraid of getting hurt so I’m keeping them boxed in and writing letters is so cathartic. And I’m also hoping that these feelings would neutralize themselves with the said exercise.

Speaking of déjà vu, I was reading up on déjà vu and about the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and his philosophy about how we are spiritual beings having human experiences which is complete bullshit. While I feel psychology is helpful in some matters, it has some weird philosophies and theories and it has a lot to answer for the degradation of humanity and civilization !

For a few years now, I’ve taken up my mum’s Christmas tradition. Every Christmas (and other holidays to be honest), even though we distributed eatables, and cakes to our friends and neighbors on boxing day (Dec 26), my mum also invited poor people from slums for dinner. Well, I don’t know any slums which exist near me, but I have taken up on buying and bringing dinners for homeless people I meet on the street. I also give gifts to my mail room people and my office building’s security people. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart but because my parents did it and I want that tradition to continue in their memory. My parents raised me right. In India we have beggars who come round going from home to home and begging. And I remember this incident very well. My mother always cooks the correct amount of food so we won’t have any leftovers as we don’t really have a concept of leftovers. And she always prepares a bit more for beggars during the days she goes to work. But one day during summer holidays, I think there was a visitor and my mother ended up having some left over rice and curry, so when this beggar came around in the morning, my mother wanted to give them to him. My father was so angry and I remember this very vividly, he said “I don’t even feed my dog the leftovers and I can’t believe you are offering this to him”. So my poor mother ended up preparing fresh meal while the beggar and my dad chatted over a cup of coffee !

 Also, I feel guilty because I spoil my cats rotten and my cats have much better life than most of the poor people. I figured I won’t need that much money as I can’t take it with me when I die and of course, God will provide me with what I need !!

It rained a lot for the past two days and most of the creeks, small rivers, flooded the streets. As it is Monday, I stayed home and worked while listening to J.S. Bach’s partitas (played by Glenn Gould) and Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Ahhh !! yes, this is my favorite combination. Coffee, research and existential dread !

Reflections

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It snowed a little today (12/7). It didn’t stick but I still think we should have gotten an impromptu off day. I think we could get rid of some the holidays and install a few new holidays like, first snow day of the season; we will greet each other, “happy first snow” and we would all celebrate by making hot chocolate and eating cookies and snuggle up with pets and warm blankets and this should be mandatory. And for autumn, we will get a holiday as the first golden (or red) leaf comes floating down; and we would greet each other “happy golden (red) leaf day”; let’s go home and kiss our pets on their moist noses; and feed your little kitties. Kitties are always starving even if they were just fed. Aren’t they a joy ? I love cats so much !!

I love  Autumn / Winter. And I like snow in theory, and when it falls fresh and covering up like a new blanket; something soft and rare and cold. I like being cold but with warm feet. I have a electric blanket and somedays I have AC on and with my feet wrapped with the soft warmth of the blanket as it tenderly caressing my feet. And this time around especially Christmas, people somehow remember about other people like something suddenly popped in their mind or an alarm going off, jogging a memory, which seems to say, “oh right, you are also human”. And they become benevolent and generous.

It is the first snow, and Winter season; and something small in my heart is finally warm again. I have vague memories of how I spent the past few years just going through the motions. It felt and feels blank and urgent, and I’m thinking I would never actually feel again. It may sound very trite and extremely stupid – but that is the boring and familiar experience of absence or loneliness. You watch your life just washing up against the panes of your glass windows, and you watch it happening. you see things that should be lovely and warming but it just feels too thin, too flimsy and too unoriginal. I am desperately uninterested in my hobbies, in life and unimpressed by my life. I told myself and often, I don’t know how to find interest in life again. Interestingly when I look back, I always told myself I am ok.

And almost flimsily and shyly, something strange, something ethereal and lovely is burning in my chest, I avoid looking, worried that it will run back into the shadows like a frightened animal, and that I would lose it. Do I dare looking at it ? Could I dare to sink my hands into its fur and feel it’s warmth and feel the slight rise and fall of it’s breathing ? I’m afraid that if it’s real it has the power to hurt me by leaving.

2023 part deux

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In June of this year, the northeastern US got blasted with acrid wildfire smoke. Like “don’t go outside” levels. The day before the smoke officially made a landfall in my region, I went into the office and the moment I stepped out of my house, my lungs seized up but I had to go in because of a meeting and I ended up having a severe headache and nausea. I didn’t realize it then but later on I was like “oh, that’s the smoke drifting in slowly”. In my lifetime i get to go through pandemic and for a few days hazardous air conditions. Going outside was dangerous. The air was bad and it stank of burnt rubber, the skies were orange and hazy and when I just poked my head out for a second (without mask), my throat got sore and my eyes burned. This was caused by some massive 400+ fires about 500 miles away up in Canada. The Air Quality Index was around 400. My kitty babies glared at me as I had locked them indoors for three or four days depending on the Air Quality. I’m so awed at God’s creation and at the same time we can see God’s protection even when the air we take for granted turns deadly.  Because of pandemic lesson, everyone now a days is equipped with masks and storing food.  I was thinking how God prepared us for this event ahead of time.  

The Summer was super hot and this is too cute not to share. When we started having really super hot summer days in July, I made small tent fort on my fire escape for my cats so they can enjoy the warmth but not get burned by the sun.  So now a days whenever the sun is fully out my kitty boy Sonu (black) demands that I make him a tent fort by meowing his head off !! Look at the little nugget all comfy and stretched out !! And the recent development is both boys are now demanding that I make fort in my apartment, so my bedsheets are hanging around the corners in fort style; and of course, like all the stupid cat moms, I went and bought a couple of covered cat beds which were like teepees, and guess what, no one wanted them.

  1. Cats on leashes so they don’t go wandering off with elves. 2. Minnou catching sun and trying to bloom 3 & 4: Sonu in his makeshift tent fort because he is a little drama queen and he can’t abide by the sun.

We started going back to the office in the middle of September. I felt really sad to go back as leaving my cats alone at home was gut wrenching. I kept thinking of them all the day and couldn’t wait to get back home. The first day, my cats didn’t figure this out, but the next day, Minnu realized that I am leaving again. So in the morning when I got into the car, he came down and sat on the steps crying his eyes out. I climbed down the car and gave him a hug but I had to leave so I drove off; but my heart was so sad, so I turned around came back and took him back into the apartment gave him treats. After that day onwards, I started sneaking out of the apartment so he wouldn’t see me leaving. Somehow, my cats know my coming home time and I am convinced that they know the time I come home and the sound of my car. During evening, both my boy cats wait for me downstairs and when they see me walking up the steps, they greet me with loud meowing and come running to me. It is a joy and I feel so blessed to be loved by these boys.

Today (11/17) was my husband’s birthday. I remember him fondly and I think I can forgive him. But sometimes my anger wells up and I want to scream (at him) for taking his life and wasting his life and potential. I’m trying to wrap my head around this suicide concept but I can never reconcile it in my mind. No matter how sad and how depressed one is and how painful life becomes, just close your eyes and sleep or hum or do something else which works or if you are like me sit and sulk in a bathtub. It’s almost 10 years since he has gone and I am still not over it even though the pain has numbed a bit.

Once in a while I still sometimes catch myself thinking of the old days. The life I used to live, the person I used to be… none of it seems real anymore. Some days I find myself wondering if it was all just a dream; and wondering if I can return there in my sleep if I just go to bed at a reasonable hour… ; and sometimes I think may be I am writing down my life and may be someone is reading me into existence. Sometimes I can’t help but think that maybe I’m better off this way. Maybe all we ever were, was a pleasant dream that went wrong and turned into a nightmare – I spend most nights staring at the ceiling, wondering if I’m ever going to sleep (or wake up).