cats

warm sunday

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/21

today is going to be a balmy 52 degrees in my little corner of the universe, as was yesterday, and i am happy as a kitten. my kitties zazie and cheeti and bastet were extra affectionate with me and hugged and hugged and hugged and then they decided i needed a bath and so they took turns and bathed me with their tongues…..

while having breakfast, i talked to my kitties about relationships and being happy and always choosing to be with someone who is emotionally intelligent and wanting to be loved by someone who understands the way i need to be loved and not how they want to love; and how well we all (kitties and i) waste time together while laughing and singing the whole time. i wish i could share these wasteful moments of laughter with you.

i keep thinking that i’ve been living in a haze and i don’t know what to feel anymore but i know that it’s okay, it’ll be okay, everything is always okay. it’s a certain kind of warm outside, warm like the bellies of my kitties and yesterday, after church, i had been driving around all day, doing one thing or another and missing connections and making connections and now i just want to clean my room and turn on some jazzy jazz jazz  musique till it’s time for the sports and maybe give myself time to center myself and figure out what i’m doing here.

i love a lot of things and today i love you even more, and i think that my heart’s finally a little too full for this morning and i keep sighing with content. i need you here with me, holding me and sighing with me. i’m soaked to the bones with the warmth of the sun and someone needs to wring me out and hang me up to dry.

ps: philly’s flyers (ice hockey) won and now am watching patriots (american football) which is a definite win. a bit later, eagles are gonna play and it would be interesting if they win tonight.

thaw !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/12

i’m 3% sassy and now a days, i can’t walk sassily because of all the thaw and the resulting slippery floors. better rain than snow, though.

i’m exhausted and quite frankly want to just stay under the covers and not interact with any humans. and these subzero temps we had last week knocked my breath out.  this monday there was rain just in time for the evening rush hour and because the ground was frozen solid, all the rain turned into ice and i left an hour early so i can go home safe and sound and still i found that the walk home was slippery and perilous and i ended up walking in the middle of road. the next morning i was in late as all the ground has become ice and i had to wait for the sun to come up and melt a bit and when i got to work, i saw that terry left the papers on the ledge for me and i smiled ! that’s the best feeling i ever get. terry kindly gives me his wall street journals once he finishes with them and he leaves them for me and this little gesture of his makes me smile every time ! it’s the same feeling i get whenever i got flowers or unexpected texts ! while julien was good with flowers, jace wasn’t so much on flowers but he left little love notes everywhere for me to find. even now, i find a note here and there and this warms my heart plenty.

today was so lovely in terms of weather. it drizzled the entire day and i dreamed of sitting in a small café with terry (for lack of a name for a lover), eating soft cakes and scones and drinking tea.

i worked hard on my future plans this week. had chatted with people, met with people with good information and am getting ready. i’ve fairly good idea the direction i want to move and i made an appointment with my boss so i can check with her about what she thinks.

when i was a child, i always thought by this time i would be settled with a good husband, two children and a house with a white picket fence and maybe i would have been a professor or a poetess.

and oh the heart breaks i have to endure instead ! this is me starting all over again and some days i honestly want to throw in my towel (i kid you not… i want to literally pickup a towel and fling it down with all my might !) or throw myself out of the window.

but as life would have it i have kids and they need their mum. horus is doing well and as i had to feed the kid like  every four hours, and the first feeding sake i started getting up at 3 am to feed him and then i would feed him again around 7:30 before running out of the door for my job and after i get back home, i feed him again around 6:30 and the fourth feeding at 10:30 pm

and because of these early morning feedings, sometimes i don’t get back to sleep at all and so i am walking around a bit zombie-ish. but he is my child and i will take care of him, even if i have to for the rest of his life and mine.

his doctor kept bitching about the fact that i brought horus in for a f/u checkup at day 11 instead of 5 to 7 days and i explained to him it’s because of the weather, but he kept bitching and i was annoyed and pissed a bit but he is my baby’s doctor and you don’t yell at someone like that so i endured his continued complaining. before i left i told him i would have brought him in if he wasn’t doing well or worse.

and honestly though, my child is doing well and still not showing interest in eating but now he is responding to me when i call him and comes up to me and sleeps in my bed and his eyes are sparkling like diamonds. i often wonder if i should date a veterinarian and marry one for my babies sake.

i have decided not to go out these three days as we have a long weekend… just have a pile of blankets i have to wash. there’s a big match this sat evening between eagles and falcons (american football) and for my american boy sake i want eagles to win but the odds are way big as eagles suck. i’ll update you with glee the moment the game is done and also patriots will be playing tonight as well but their win is a definite.

i’m getting ready to do another feeding for my child but i have been pondering lately about this and i’m hoping to find an answer…

how to stay light and fluffy and soft in a world which pricks and stings ?

well, my darlings, hope you all stay light and fluffy and soft in spite of the thorns.

à demain !

update : on the nfl game…. well, eagles won against falcons in the playoff by the skin of their teeth but a win is a win. they will face vikings this sunday (jan 21).  patriots as i predicted won with ease…. can’t wait for them to win this superbowl !

allez, allez patriots !

et bonne année 2018

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

here are some of my fireworks and the reason(s) for my existence. horus, my brave little warrior, came home yesterday with his e-tube and he is well and i’m like one step away from getting a veterinary technician license. minnu, the next few photos, in glorious blissful sleep and then buttons, pepper with their still sleepy hobo-esque mama and the last photo is where my lap held four kitties at once (pepper, anubis, minnu & bastet). in case you are wondering, when i’m home, i spend a lot of time in my bed, getting up occasionally for pee breaks, and to stretch & get coffee.

twenty-seventeen or two-thousand-and-seventeen or whatever the hell you want to call it, was a big year. i know that for all intents and purposes, most years are big by nature but this one was especially so.  for whatever reason i find each year is increasingly hard and i find myself saying to myself, i can’t do this anymore. nevertheless, i persisted (remember the hashtag ?).

a lot happened this year, so much so that i don’t know if i can express everything in words. i will, however, try. this year i learnt a lot about myself. i wouldn’t go as far to say that i “found myself” but i know who i am now growing into or molding into.

i was loved a lot this year, thank goodness, by good people with warm hearts and open minds and those people mean more to me than anyone. i did a lot of things i thought i would never do and i surprised myself in both good and bad ways. when properly angered i know what i am capable of doing and i have some good people who found it wise to take me into their arms and let me not do something stupid.

i moved past a lot of hurt and learnt that you can live through hell and you can then become a different, quieter self but ultimately stronger person for it.

i danced a lot. i worked a lot. i worked hard. i learned and studied and decided that i should wait until i’m ready, and i finally believe i am. i wished a lot that i drank a lot to subdue the pain.

ultimately, i was pushed out of my comfort zone this year. i didn’t know what i was doing a lot of the time. i found tangible, real, life-changing aspirations and dreams.

i have an intelligent brain and heart, and i know what it means to live. everything else has been a wonderful, indulgent embellishment.

2017, thank you for being so fucking difficult, because i needed to know how strong i really was, and that the year before did not, in fact, break me. i learnt how to be good to myself. i learnt how to say “i’ll persist”.

as usual, grateful to god for giving us peace and a year of content, and for his unending blessings & protection for me & my babies, for giving us another year to laugh, cuddle and love.

happy new year 2018 and hope this year is also full of laughs, good health, lots of love and peace and may we all be blessed and content this year as well.

arctic freeze and whiskers on kittens….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 3 Comments

christmas

this was from my last christmas (with julien), the last time i ever decorated anything for christmas and i am hoping to decorate again in 2018.

well, finally it feels like winter and then some and give me stockings and blazers and hoodies and large coffees and reading in bed all day under my comforter and pumpkin soup and browsing bookstores for hours because it is raining/snowing so hard any day.

i have taken vacation days since 20th of december. i wanted to put the following as my out of office message but i thought better of it as i think many people have no sense of humor.

“hello i won’t be in the office as i have resolved to stay home which feels like heaven and this is where i will be till after new year’s. i don’t believe in santa clause but will be on the look out for him in between spending time with my family, getting my bum black and blue (from falling repeatedly while skiing) and trying to stay warm.

i will not be checking email as the email servers are frozen for sure because of the arctic front.

i will be stuck in the arctic tundra for a few days but gosh i will surely try and stay warm and hope you do the same.”

my desire to get my bum black & blue didn’t quite happen as my boy horus was critically sick due to anorexia and i spent christmas eve at the emergency room; my baby horus was devoted to my husband and every year this time in november (it’s jace’s birthday) gets dutifully depressed as he misses his papa and then he fasts. i watch over him and this year somehow i missed out his fasting and i’m happy to report i will be bringing him home tomorrow but he is coming home with a e-tube (feeding tube) till he is back up to his weight. all the doctors and nurses sang praises of him saying how sweet he is but this is true of all my kids. my kids get praised all the time that they are the sweetest on the planet. i’m a very proud mama.

i stayed indoors most of the time, binge watching all the shows which i have lined up and completed two books.

each morning before breakfast, i built a little fire in my fire place so we can have breakfast around the warm cozy fire. because of cold weather, all my kids and i are bundled into my bed with hot water bottles under our blankets and i am in a kitty heaven with my reading and catching up on all my shows.

for a few days i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so cold and me not wearing pants didn’t help much so i bundled myself up with appropriate pants and a hoodie. and then i learned that i needed to bleed the radiators and  i couldn’t open the cap and so i had electric heaters but it’s not warm enough but it’s ok as i absolutely love living in my naked skin, without make up, hair hanging loose and wearing my husband’s shirts and generally looking like a hobo most of the time. and as per my custom, i have taken hundreds of selfies. i’m relaxing and being good to myself and to my body, getting massages every other day and long baths.

christmas was lonely as usual and i do miss my parents and all the christmases past, when we bundled up and went caroling or preparing snacks for the carolers who visited. it was more christ centered event than what i see in usa. sadly in america christmas is very commercialized event but i love the way lights are strung up on the trees and the snow and the cold makes this such a lovely affair and i used to enjoy sitting out bundled up with my boy julien and later my husband with hot chocolates and sniffling and listening to john coltrane and his lovely clarinet.

so this christmas i spent the night bundled up and sat in my window dangling my feet out,  listening to john coltrane, eating hachiyas and drinking hot chocolate, and talked to my babies about my plans and the importance of having goals and living life in the fullest and read them poems on love lost.

(coltrane raindrops on roses and you are welcome – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwg2dsxv5hi)

people always have me in group chats which is real pain in the derrier, but i keep quiet not to hurt their feelings, but most of these group chats have nothing of value and i spend every sunday clearing out the texts between chores. but recently i started getting these texts, from someone and i don’t know who she or he is. they are mostly sabbath greetings or bible verses encouraging me but he/she wants to remain anonymous. i’m suspecting that this person may be the guy my church elder wants me to date. aaron, is a nice bloke but i am not. apart from me loving god intensely and trying very hard to walk with him, i have many short comings. thankfully god still loves me in spite of my short comings and because of this if i were to remarry, i want someone who loves god, who is involved in church and who is of my faith. my husband was a very good man but he was an atheist or agnostic and it was the sad note in my otherwise happy marriage and my life is a soap opera even without my involvement whatsoever and i learnt in a hard way that everything we do have consequences and hence my life became and becomes very complicated. recently i was telling terry as he thought jace was jewish and i was like no he wasn’t and it’s complicated. there’s a spanish saying “god says take what you want (out of life), but pay the price”. i forgot this and i paid a hefty price when i married jace. still no regrets as he was a lovely man and he taught me quite a lot and once again, i must say, i was loved by two very lovely and beautiful men and probably i don’t deserve it but nevertheless, i was loved immensely.

lately i was thinking of relationships and if i really should even bother and i firmly lay the blame at my feet as i shouldn’t have fallen in love with terry, but you know, my life though very sad, was immensely beautiful when my boys were alive and i’m grateful for the time i had with them and i keep searching for that life and i want that life again. i’m sure i will get it back once i meet the right person and honestly, i can’t wait to meet him and get bundled up and listen to coltrane on frigid winters or read poems with him / to him and go walking on the streets shimmering with christmas lights.

2018 is going to be busy and interesting and full of new things. i just can feel it. i am excited and i have missed being this excited.

good bye 2017, you were amazing !

persimmons and pancakes

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/05/2017

they are actually crêpes but persimmons and crêpes didn’t rhyme well… 😊

grateful for the colors i fill my life with. it’s important for me to cultivate a safe home for myself. last weekend, for an empty sunday afternoon, i decided i would sweep up my wooden floors and open up the windows (to let the crisp cold air in). i just had a good breakfast a home-made crêpe and a hachiya persimmon…… yes ! a hachiya !

last week after work i hopped on an acela and went to new york, because my friend came to nyc from san fran for a conference and of course, we have to meet and when i arrived at the penn station, she met me with a hachiya persimmon and it made me giddy with happiness. hang on to your friends who meet you at a railway station with a persimmon ! we went to east village and roamed around holding hands and i found some hachiya persimmons and bought them… i am admiring my bounty as we speak !

she was put in a days inn hotel by some mistake and she and i giggled so much over this and i wanted to share this with everyone on facebook and she threatened me that if i did this, she will tell our network of friends about my love for terry…

she and i decided we would color our hairs with purples and so we bought the colors and dyed our hairs but as we have black hair (and we should have bleached our hairs first) it kind of gave a hint of color but not drastically and now whenever i wash my hair it bleeds purple. i’m convinced my work gym people will throw me out as i keep purpling their towels…

i’ve decided i will work out at the gym (at work) as increasingly i am not finding time to go to my gym after i get home from work, as jack decides not to as he was feeling lazy or as my kids are all having sniffles i’m running around hosptial or pet store and i have oodles of time at work and i am not the one who sits and twiddles thumbs and so i started going to the gym and started working out with the weights and stuff and my lungs are still problematic which makes me get bloated on and off depending on my lungs, but i think i need to just bite the bullet and work out even when i am unable to breathe.

and i usually warm up on the treadmill to get the target heart rate before i hit the weights, and i usually wipe down the equipment before and after using them as i am germaphobe and one time, one of the superiors from my department was there on an elliptical opposite to me and when he was done he proceeded to wipe down the entire machine and i wanted laugh so hard, i mean, men just are so full of y chromosome… !

this week’s accomplishments included me making 14,000 steps and i have found a co-relation between the heart rate and racking up the steps. i’ve this habit of salsa dancing if i am not tired enough and so the other night i was happily dancing and i forgot to remove my fitbit and in half hour i racked up 2000 steps and when i achieved my goal of 14,000 steps fitibit threw out some fireworks… so yay !

jack’s daughter (yes he is a bisexual and now gay and married to a guy) got her first period and a very panicky jack called me and i went to the drug store to get some cups as liz wanted a menstrual cup and i am not really fond them myself but i taught her how to use them and i get to be a mum for a whole hour and i was quite please with this.

i went to dinner with the italian and he talked about how he’s listening to christmas  songs and talked about christmas the whole time and when he asked if we can meet again, i said no. and no, this time it’s not about terry at all. his conversation had no substance and he actually isn’t currently reading any books (remember, he said he reads books ! he lied, the bastard). and also, i found the italian’s voice is super annoying and i can’t deal with that. i need a man who has a sexy voice which would make me swoon. like when i talk to him on the phone, i shouldn’t be trying to hang up… 😊

funny story; my voice on the phone is quite sexy (i am not sure about it now as i sound stuffed up) and i know this for a fact because many people have said this (men) and my aunt one time called me to talk about something and she was like you should tone down the sexiness in your voice… umm, i wasn’t trying to be sexy ? my husband used to tease me saying i should become one of the 900 persons, you know who talk sex to people on the phone. one time i said it’s not enough to have a sexy voice, one should also say sexy things like take off your panties and shit like that and i would just read some scientific article and men don’t pay to hear me read a scientific journal about alzheimer’s and my boy went, i would pay you even if you read me the phone book… lol and yeah, well, i am not saying that i’m a prude and actually it’s quite the opposite as i am quite a slut in bed but i don’t end up bedding anyone i am not in love with so….

my kitty boy zazie is now fully upgraded to be one of my kids ie utterly spoiled and moody and bratish. his name evolved from zach to z to zz and to zazie…. zazie is one of the french pop singers and z fell in love with her songs and he wags his tail to her songs.

it’s been quite a handful of days these days and i can’t explain to you, even if i tried, that i traveled a distance in reasons beyond needing a selfish conclusion to this murky feeling i had been swimming in for the past few months. there is a fate which drew us together, connecting us despite distance and time. i let you into my life without complaint, allowed myself to be more vulnerable than ever before, showed you my world and mistakes, hoped to allow you to do the same. i walked into something i knew would end with a truth that would leave me unable to hold onto something anymore, the consequences of falling in love with someone when the burden i’m carrying is too heavy and the result of the right person in the wrong circumstances;

when i saw you yesterday after you returned, you looked so tired and old and i wanted to smooth those creases away and kiss your tired eyes and hold you close to my heart  and i wanted to care but wouldn’t because of the things tugging against us. i wondered how long a person can keep quietly caring, silently praying with pleas of desperate hope to fates unknown, the foolish hopeful thoughts we move towards fearlessly.

is there any other way ?

 

books,cats and weekend

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

11/20/17

(bastet, the pretty one with her mama; tickles, the queen with my books)

today felt like a sunday and not like a monday on account i stayed home and worked… whenever i work from home, i take lots of selfies with my kitties and i took about a thousand selfies with the little one (bastet) till she got bored and ran away. but she rocked in this photo.

i have this habit of ordering from amazon (most of the time) and ebay and when the packages arrive i leave them in my living room unopened and they serve as little stools for my kids to sit on and jump around (and i give the boxes once i open them and they serve as their hiding and sleeping and scratching spots and i throw them out once they are completely destroyed) – this weekend i decided i would open a few of the boxes and much to my surprise i found these books which i must have ordered a while ago i guess and completely forgot and i have been meaning to go borrow these books from library and so now i can scratch that off from my to-do list. i was quite pleased with this find and literally squealed and jumped up and down a bit.  i’m especially thrilled because i wanted to read ‘the dinner’ for ages now but all the same, i love to read and this is like an unexpected surprise from me to me… nothing can beat this surprise of mine !

i also found my aromatic oil, ‘paris chic’, from france for my lampe berger and i then proceeded to fill out my lampe with this particular fragrance (i usually have ocean breeze) and lit it and i found that it smelt the same.

i am planning to hibernate this thanksgiving weekend (except sat when i go to church). and also i am hoping to stay home on wednesday as well and i am planning do my shopping for wood for the fireplace and necessary ingredients for making crêpes (and also a trip to william sonoma is also on the list, as they have a fabulous crêpes mix in case my batter turns blah) and from there go to the farmers market to get some fruits. i already finished food shopping for my kids and i just need to pickup insulin from my vet and if everything goes as planned ie nothing comes up to make me leave the house, i am planning to live on crêpes, light the fire place and fill the house with the aroma of burning wood and paris chic, and read my books (sad note: my bed lamp is broken and i am not gonna go shopping for that until after christmas or new year as i hate all these people milling about, looking insane and buying shit which they don’t need and thank god for internet and the convenience to shop from home but i’m not a fool to buy a $10 lamp and pay $20 for shipping costs and hence i need to sigh and made do without a bed lamp and i actually may have to sleep with the main light on or leave the comfort of warm bed and go trotting few steps to switch off the light… curses ! )

most of my kids have been sniffling and they have cold and i have been putting them on antibiotics and making sure that they were eating well and i was especially keeping a watchful eye on the kids who are more fragile and so i paid no attention to this one kid felix and when he was sort of hiding i thought he was getting cold as well but i haven’t made sure he was eating properly but i kept meaning to check on him and make sure i watch him eat. so on sat evening when i got home, i went to check on him with some food and sure enough he was not only not eating but also quite sick and i was in distress. i started him on antibiotics and force fed him a bit and syringed in some water.. now, i have a decision to make whether to make him further distressed by taking him to the doctors or continue to monitor him and i decided to keep monitoring him… and i don’t think he is out of the woods yet but he is finally coming round… aargh !

my other child, skittles is also on meds and so when i give her the pill, she pockets it in her cheek and then spits it out when i am gone… so i now i actually make her to show me her mouth so i can make sure she has swallowed it. skittles is super smart and i have feeling that she actually understands me. i mean like a human. usually pets reacts to some syllables and the intonation but my theory is that, that’s not the case. i think pets actually understand some words like a human and they know what the words are and my baby girl skittles is smarter and i know for a fact, my kids are way smarter than some children and well behaved.

i was supposed to have gone on a date but that turned out not the case… my sundays usually start around 8:30 with doing laundry, cleaning some stuff and running around doing chores… so this sunday was no different and i was doing chores and doing laundry and the italian emailed me to confirm that we are gonna be having dinner and i did reply yes and it was half hearted…  but i did make an effort and actually showered and picked out a nice dress… and i was humming and getting dressed and i was actually smiling and looking forward to going out and meeting this person and then i realized the painful truth that i was getting dressed as if i were going to meet the boy i love and i had to stop and actually sit down and think… who am i kidding ? after a good cry later i emailed the italian and told him something came up and i have to take a rain check and i apologized. he was ok and i probably have to go do the dinner thing sometime soon.

i stayed home and thought things through and gosh, i realized that i lost my focus and i need to refocus on things which are important. i’m not implying my boy is not but it’s like me craving for moon and all this pining for him is for a lost cause and he is unavailable (and even if he is, not sure i’m his type or he is mine for that matter) and we may not be great together anyway because i do have a fucking brain and so on so forth and what have you…. i have to refocus and continue to make goals and work towards them and may be my prince charming may find me. my mentor from church asked me to make a list of 7 characteristics which i am looking for in a man so we can pray each week and she is like, ‘if you put he should be french on the list i will hurt you..’ and i ask you, why not ? i am a romantic person and a passionate person. i need a man who is romantic and no, saying to me, drop your panties and get in the bed won’t do anything to me… he should serenade me or write me poems or buy me flowers for no good reason and a girl can dream of passion. can’t she ?

anyway, i have to take leave and y’all have a good night.

sweet dreams !

in which anubis tries to steal……

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

…… my drink, but bitterly disappointed as he found grape juice instead of milk…. look at him glaring at me ! my kids are spoiled..

 

contemplation in front of the fireplace with no pants on / reading all the beautiful things, beautiful writers write to me anonymously and ask me questions / for example, what do i love about moon ? / also, need a pedicure (and a manicure) / how long has it been ? / why hasn’t my ballet teacher yell at me yet ? / full moon ramblings / beaver mooon

a summation of my weekend

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10/22/2017

i got a new cat yesterday (oct. 21). well he is not a “new” per se, but he is a stranger for us, so “new” ? his human told me that she can’t take care of him anymore and if i won’t take him she may have to put him down and so, i got a new kitty. his name is zach but as i detest human names for cats, i call him zz and he replies. he isn’t happy to be in a home of so many kids. my kids are ok with him as they know their mama has this habit of rescuing pets. but zz won’t have it. he was growling at my kids so everyone is giving him room to grow. everyone except my cat tickles…

my husband named only three cats in our household. tickles was our first child. when we got married, this is the first thing my husband did… looked in papers to find a little kitten for adoption. i mean, he couldn’t wait. i mean it was day two of my living with him and i am still unsure of sleeping next to him. my husband and i never lived together before marriage as i am against any kind of premarital things as i’m not only god fearing but also a feminist.  so when he found an advert for free kitten and off he dragged me to this place and the moment he saw her, he says “i’m naming her tickles” and we brought her home and deposited me and the little one at home and went off again to buy a camera, a video recorder and toys for her and i mean, he didn’t buy those for recording us (jace and me) but for his baby and tickles is the queen of the house and she growls when she hears someone coming to the door and when zz growled at her, she stomped her little foot and growled and hissed back at him to let him know that it’s her kingdom and she makes the rules and the boy zz calmed down and stopped growling. but for realz tho… i really hate people for this reason. you know, people who get pets and when the animals get older, they discard them. i mean, it’s your fucking responsibility… ? didn’t you realize when you got them in the first place that they are going to get older ? but well, i can’t let someone put down a cat or anything else just because…

i’ve been thinking a lot about symbolism lately. not something grand like trying to turn life into a metaphor, but tiny things…. simple things…. the pieces of life left behind in spite of being whipped and tossed and turned upside down by life… and finding in them still alive, the quiet strings of humanity. there are such things in my world that brings together so many other worlds. i suppose they are forgotten, futile belongings that aren’t rendered meaningful until they’re looked underneath a different light.

like the library i was in where i kissed the boy who meant everything to me… ever ! i don’t remember the aisle number or i don’t remember what shirt i was wearing but all i remember was the faint smell of his shower soap (he just came from playing tennis) but listen…lives interlace… strings are formed and they tangle and they knot. sometimes they fray and they break but there are always these details.

and then something jogs your memory. like this song.. what can be more beautiful than that ? i quite accidentally listened to this song at work the other day (i play music to concentrate on what i’m doing) and i almost screamed and stopped the song but it was too late and so i put it back on. this is one of those memories which incite pain and “what could i have been if julien were alive” and for the first time i listened to the lyrics, i mean i paid good attention to the lyrics.

this afternoon i was on my beautician’s table getting waxed and i had my headphones on. when you are naked from waist down to get a brazilian by a total stranger (she isn’t my regular person) you occupy yourselves with something i was listening (on repeat) to the song i just uploaded this morning.

this is a song, sung by florent pagny and written by the french demigod pascal obispo who i love and adore…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=re8-plydcte

i will post the lyrics (english translation) after the post. but i remember when i first heard the song which was introduced to me by julien. i don’t talk much about him as i locked him up in my heart forever.  i was still in my late teens (god i am old) life was rosy then and he and i were students in united states (kansas) (he was french and interestingly i only dated french men) and we went to someone’s home to spend the afternoon. and there’s a grand piano in the living room and julien played this song while the sun fell quietly like a soft satin curtains and the windows were open with a tiny suggestion of a breeze. by the end of the song, he had tears in his eyes and i was never loved by anyone (including my parents) the way he did and i supposed i shouldn’t complain much because i was so loved by him and someone told me i can capture a moment by writing and i understand that i could create life if i pressed against paper gently enough and i believe that’s the god’s way. falling like a light…. butterflies courting each other, and falling in a pirouette and faint perfume of lavender blossoms and a train passing and the world a still life…  and me my eyes closed, a frame…

i was listening to the song with my eyes closed and getting waxed and my hands folded on my tummy and my chin turned slightly upwards to the light and my entire being was breathing and trying to recreate the moment.

i’ve been trying to write postcards but all of them end up blank. i memorized the address, you know. the one he gave me and i am stuck at the comma after his name and i’m overwhelmed and lost with all the things i want to tell the blue eyed boy t, but i can’t. i sit at my desk and remembering the moment i met him and was too scared to ask how the moonlight was like back in his little town. my desk has no drawers or compartments but filled with thousands of little secrets and he is one of them… he is a thousand of them. i’ve been thinking of symbolism today, of how i kept all the post it notes he gave me (with plane schedules for work) and i’ve fallen in love with the things men (two) left behind and small mementos of things that were once beautiful. i keep falling for things they leave behind . i keep falling for their details of the memories and collecting them and keep falling… i keep falling..

TONIGHT I’M PLANNING TO READ SHAKESPEARE BECAUSE IT’S FUCKING SEXY !

Savoir Aimer (lyrics in english) “Knowing how to love”

Knowing how to smile,
To a stranger that passes by,’
Without keeping any traces,
Except the pleasure,
Knowing how to love
Without anything in return,
Without regard for, nor big love
Not even the hope of being loved
Simply, knowing how to give,
Giving without expecting anything.
Doing nothing excepting learning,
Learning to love
Loving without expectations,
Loving,
Learning to smile,
Only for the deed,
Without expecting anything else ,
And learning to live
And then go.
Knowing how to wait and
Tasting that full happiness,
That’s given to you a little bit by chance,
So much so that it was unexpected.
Seeing oneself and believing in it
To lure the fear from the emptiness Anchored like wrinkles
which tarnish mirrors,
Knowing how to suffer
In silence, without a word,
Nor defence, nor armor
Suffering to the point of wanting to die
And getting up again,
Like ones rises from one’s ashes.
With so much love to resell
That one makes a complete
break with one’s past.
To dream for two,
Only by closing the eyes,
And knowing how to give,
Giving without any hurt,
Nor half measure,
Learning to rest,
Wanting until the end
Staying despite everything,
Learning to love,
And then leaving,
And then ….moving (on).