Thankfully it’s Christmas season, I’m off for two weeks, come tomorrow. This should give me enough time to calibrate my emotions and bring them to neutral. Though I’m mortified to admit, I’m not that surprised to find I’ve feelings for this Stranger at work.
Some mornings there is a thick mist or fog and it feels like the entire planet is covered up by soft cotton. After feeding my cats, I sit on the metal stairs with a hot mug of coffee and contemplate my life. I can feel emotions happening to me and no, no, no, I don’t like it. I’m feeling like my old self again now a days. And I should really thank this stranger !
The tall, dark, handsome stranger and I keep dancing around each other in circles. I feel like I’m having a déjà vu, you know, that feeling that you’re going through something new, but it feels strangely familiar. It’s as if you’ve been in this situation before because you’ve been there with (or as) someone else who faced something similar. Now that it’s happening to you, it’s like revisiting and rereading an old story, but this time, you’re the main character in a play you once watched from the sidelines. Pretty strange, right ? I don’t know about him, but I’m thinking I’m being very idiotic about this because i don’t know if he is married or has a girl friend ! I don’t want to lust after someone who is married or otherwise engaged and thus break a commandment, but as I don’t know who I should ask at work, I’m sorely tempted to march up to him and demand that he show me his hands ! But as that’s not going to happen, I’m carrying around the fragile pieces of my broken heart clumsily put together. I’ve been writing him letters which I have no intention of sending them to him or posting them online. As much as I love this feeling of being in love, I’m so afraid of getting hurt so I’m keeping them boxed in and writing letters is so cathartic. And I’m also hoping that these feelings would neutralize themselves with the said exercise.
Speaking of déjà vu, I was reading up on déjà vu and about the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and his philosophy about how we are spiritual beings having human experiences which is complete bullshit. While I feel psychology is helpful in some matters, it has some weird philosophies and theories and it has a lot to answer for the degradation of humanity and civilization !
For a few years now, I’ve taken up my mum’s Christmas tradition. Every Christmas (and other holidays to be honest), even though we distributed eatables, and cakes to our friends and neighbors on boxing day (Dec 26), my mum also invited poor people from slums for dinner. Well, I don’t know any slums which exist near me, but I have taken up on buying and bringing dinners for homeless people I meet on the street. I also give gifts to my mail room people and my office building’s security people. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart but because my parents did it and I want that tradition to continue in their memory. My parents raised me right. In India we have beggars who come round going from home to home and begging. And I remember this incident very well. My mother always cooks the correct amount of food so we won’t have any leftovers as we don’t really have a concept of leftovers. And she always prepares a bit more for beggars during the days she goes to work. But one day during summer holidays, I think there was a visitor and my mother ended up having some left over rice and curry, so when this beggar came around in the morning, my mother wanted to give them to him. My father was so angry and I remember this very vividly, he said “I don’t even feed my dog the leftovers and I can’t believe you are offering this to him”. So my poor mother ended up preparing fresh meal while the beggar and my dad chatted over a cup of coffee !
Also, I feel guilty because I spoil my cats rotten and my cats have much better life than most of the poor people. I figured I won’t need that much money as I can’t take it with me when I die and of course, God will provide me with what I need !!
It rained a lot for the past two days and most of the creeks, small rivers, flooded the streets. As it is Monday, I stayed home and worked while listening to J.S. Bach’s partitas (played by Glenn Gould) and Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Ahhh !! yes, this is my favorite combination. Coffee, research and existential dread !
soft delusions 