dreams

opportunity

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 2 Comments

opportunity

“my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is forever going to be one of my favorite quotes. something about it is just so achingly familiar. i’m not sure what it is, but it sounds so resigned and tired. “my battery is low and it’s getting dark” is so hauntingly human, so crushingly lonely. i can’t articulate the deep, profound ache that sentence evokes. it’s acceptance and defeat and terror and sadness all at once, all from one tiny little machine we asked to explore the stars for us. i cried for oppy and am confused by my tears and sadness.

may be because it’s so human. almost painfully so. she somehow managed to convey everything humans fear about death into one simple sentence. and i feel part of what makes it so meaningful is that this was sent by a rover who lived 60 times her lifespan of 90 days. while it’s sad that we can’t get her home, in a way, she is home as she was built for mars.

her final words will live on.

on feb 13, 2019 mars rover was officially declared dead by nasa. rip oppy, you were brave. (dedicated to opportunity for exploring our space dreams)

i know that i’ve been quiet lately about sandalwood and i’ve been extremely inconsistent and ugh not so sure about him.  but the moment i start talking to him, i remember our first conversation and how he started it. “maybe… we’re all songbirds.” he says…. it was like really late at night and i was really down and out, no one was awake, but us. i know i’ve never talked to him before, but he was the closest thing i’ve ever felt to home in a long time.

anyway, like every year since my husband’s passing, i have had multiple dinner dates for valentines, mostly my friends and occasionally the guys i was dating and so this year it was my friends plus a couple of guys including sandalwood. but as i was sick the past week, i’d to reorganize my outings and yesterday night i met up with him in the city as i wanted to hangout with my friend barbara afterwards.

we had a grand night, the weather cooperated, so we went to kimmel center and later had a light dinner. i decided i would invite him to hangout with barbara as well.

the prerequisite to be my friend is being completely nuts. i make friends with people who are complete nutjobs and barbara is no different and we have been friends for a while. her story goes a way back, like almost ten years when she was dating a guy who was 20 years older than her and a couple of years ago, they got married and i’m not in favor of it as i think something is wrong with him. fast forward to a month ago, she has completely given up on him and wants to divorce him but she wants to get money from him as well for all the emotional trauma she went through and she did go through rough crap. if i were in her place, i would have dropped him a long time ago, because my rule is “if you are not going to treat me the way i expect you to, you are gone…” there are always plenty of other fish in the pond…

so we were chatting yesterday and a bangladesh couple barabara knew were also there and to sandalwood’s horror, we all decided we will hire an uber and go to her husband’s house…… one of the things which she is putting up with is, he lives somewhere else and she lives in the city and she is now convinced that he is cheating on her with his ex (he was married four times)… so we all bundled up and ubered to doug’s house…. and this bangla woman packed some food as well… and so there we were in a single car with a picnic basket, in the middle of the night, gone sleuthing to catch barbara’s husband in an adultery. sandalwood kept a lookout in case the neighbors would look out or something, and we three women, crept up to his house so barbara can check out the car and yes, his ex’s car was there and so we bundled up back into the car and headed back with one furious barabara… we were so nervous and tensed but we were also crazy, having no clue what we would say in case someone or police caught us. sandalwood reassured that we probably won’t have been arrested because we have a good reason but worst execution and that he would have bailed us out in case we got arrested.

all in all, it was the best adventure i have had since my husband and sandalwood is back in my graces as any man who would do things like that with me gets high points. i have made julien stop the car to go and check out a trash bag which was in the middle of nowhere while we were driving through bad lands in montana in the hopes of finding a dead body (alas no dead body, just trash) and i made my husband to go up to bucks county in the middle of the night and camp out in a farm in the hopes of finding a ufo as i heard bucks county farms did have some crop circles and so on so forth and what have you… you get the gist…i’m one dare-devil with a tinge of insanity and friends with equally, if not more, crazy people. but after all, life is for taking risks !

when i was sick, and was going through my coughing fits, my eldest girl, my lovely tickles, would come up to me, and caress me and give me soft purrs and kisses to make sure i am ok. when my kids bestow such love, i feel that the veil of universe is lifted slowly and i’m high with love…

for whatever reason, before this flu episode (i’m still a bit sick as a matter of fact), i decided i will go vegan at least a few months to see if it would lessen the inflammation in my lungs (asthma). i want to increase my lung capacity and let’s see if this would work. i was in the gym the other day and oh i signed up with a trainer, as every time i am doing something on the cables, he would come up to me to correct as i’m not used to this type of cables and i decided i would just pay him for this and also as i wanted him to train me on trx. this is the year i’ve decided i’m going to shed my steroids, my weight and increase my stamina. and while i was in the gym, i heard a song which sounded familiar “my favorite things” from ‘sound of music’ but for a while i couldn’t understand what language it was and if it was a remake and so when i got home i googled. for one, i wanted to get that for my work-out play list and secondly, i wanted to find out what language it was sung in. and lo, it was ariana grande’s 7 rings and i was so pissed that i wanted to go and slap that bitch because, i kid you not, i can never understand what she was saying or and gives me impression of a foreign language and if you don’t believe me, listen to the songs… mind you, they have a nice beat to it as i would dance to them, but her enunciation sucks buckets… and this guy (i read this on twitter or tumblr) put it the best and i couldn’t have said it better “ariana grande’s enunciation reminds me of the time i was sucking dick and the guy asked me a question in the middle that isn’t a yes-or-no type like “oh fuck when’s the last time you’ve been deepthroated?” and i try to respond with a dick suffocating me like “lungaweeffawgho” and while moaning, he goes “aah wha?” but my answer shouldn’t matter cause what’s important is he’s having a good time like how i enjoy ari’s songs even when i dont understand what she’s saying”

and sometimes ! even tho one is careful, some dreams die.

life happens and you have to roll with the punches. i stopped reading like the way i used to because there isn’t much time, i get tired easily and i find myself misanthropic. don’t enjoy movies in the same way because i started figuring out the ending. used to play sports but that was before sports started to hurt.

and god, i loved dance ! i grated my skin raw trying to make body perfect for ballet’s expectations. i got older, busier. chose other things. got thicker, because i was happy and then got asthma. still go to the occasional dances and oh, i gotta take this slow. oh, i have muscle and it shows and that’s not a bad thing.

i’m learning to close my eyes and forgive the soft spots. i can never become an artist but i can still dance. i didn’t run to the circus but i have a friend who has offered to help you learn aerial yoga and isn’t that close to the same thing. i now have to workout instead of dancing, and that sucked. at least now when i get to dance, i appreciate every second.

and no. i can’t move like i used to. takes me longer to remember what used to come naturally. taking my hits with humility.

and okay. so i’m not going to suddenly be what i wished i were. but sometimes i get to knock. crack open the door. close my eyes and be just doing it. no wish for success. just me and my dream, hand in hand.

and oh how we dance.

 

dandelion wishes

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

not sure if it’s because i’ve been sick for the past few days that got me all twirling and whirling like in a roller coaster with my feelings or it could be because i’ve been exposed to delirious, delicious dreams due to lack of sleep, but i needed to hurry back to my state of sanity; either way, you were here with me, lying next me, face filled with affection; i dream so much of you or him or you ! i feel comfortable to feel vulnerable again. you are the heat to my coldness how easy it is to succumb to you… the you or him or is that you ? you, tender, fresh, raw, throbbing (may be like a steak) and the self that i’ve been yearning, aching to see… to touch… the one i long to hold, pulsing against my flesh… your body, limbs, face and all that is the every fiber of your being… with all that’s worth every fiber of my being, a tragedy or a delicacy or perhaps, a turkish delight ! and lord, i called the universe / stardust and what’s magical and mightier than it to keep me in this state of star dust where i never had to lose sight of you again… i’ll stay in that lucidity or limbo if you were to stay in my field of vision…  let me stay there, here, if that’s where you, him, you will reside in this lifetime or the next.  but then, oh no ! alas ! no,  here i’m again, again, again awakened to the sound of the birds twittering, cats mewing  & staring at the snow falling gently, & listening to the gentle beat of my heart falling in love with you again & still it is your arrival i’m fond of the most…. me wishing upon a dandelion for your return, just like the lonesome traveler returning to his lover… and oh how i’d wish for you to come home to me… !!

for you a thousand times over…

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

december 12, 2018

my relationship with american boy is in full swing i.e., in my dreams. i have been dreaming a series of episodes since my last post, in fact, the very night i posted, i had dreamt of him and being in relationship with him. when i woke up the next day, i smiled and giggled out loud at the absurdity, but that day, i actually was deliriously happy; like a high you get when you take drugs. but as it happens with drugs, i eventually crashed down to reality. it made me a bit sad but i wasn’t sure what i should do. but then, again, i had another dream and i picked it up from where my first dream left off and continued on. so in summary, i now have a fullfledged relationship with him and we have two girls and one or two boys in our very “normal” family where i was wearing indian dresses and acting like a “girl”. the second time it happened, i was like “ew brain, it’s fucked up and let’s not do that again”, but my brain continued to dream. so now i am on fifth of episode of my “relationship” and i can’t wait to find out what happens in season finale. i had considered a relationship with him but in spite of my deep feelings for him and my friends encouraging me to “get him” i am not sure if we are a good match and i suspect i may end up dumping him in a few days. our differences, to name a few, are very apparent. i am family oriented, and my kids are my priority and i think, he loves parties and travels and while i do love traveling, one sniffle from my kids, i would drop everything and stay back. our travel destinations will be quite different as well. i would probably end up in the amazonian jungles and climbing through incan and mayan ruins, and traversing through egyptian pyramids, cursing at every step of the way and gasping for air and hating the insects, heat and humidity, but i know i would love that experience and i would be the first person to buy a ticket to moon or mars, and i will have a full blown anxiety attack during my trip to moon but i will sit there eating restoril pills to calm the fuck down.  but for now, these dreams of mine are a nice distraction, as i halted my love life for now unable to fully commit to sandalwood. and i am thoroughly enjoying these dreams of mine, while being careful not to bleed my dreams into reality and shock the fuck out of the american boy by saying something totally inappropriate for the work environment. i guess spending time with him would be like…

to see a world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a wild flower,
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour.
~ william blake

hello there december ! the month of snow, lights and feasts and warmth ! december arrived with warmth but then turned gloomy, blue and transparent. it was icy cold, and my asthma was exasperated. all i want to do is rest and rest and jut sit about doing nothing but read and relax.  after going through a lot of misery, got myself an asthma specialist and he started testing me for allergies and lo and behold, i am allergic to all the 48 allergens in his panel. those ranged from cats (yes), dogs, rabbits, pheasants, dust, pollen, grass, egg shells and some other stuff…. interesting, i thought, that i am still alive ! well, as long as i don’t develop allergy to oxygen i should be good i am thinking. who knows, it’s too soon to speculate as i have a few more years left in me.

for you a thousand times over…. i started rereading “the kite runner” as i am missing my home town. but i was traumatized the first time i read it. i completely immerse myself in the books i read and i almost become a part of that book. so i remember vividly when i read that book, i was lying on my belly on my bed, with pillow tucked under my boobs and the book spread on the mattress, my hands under my chin, smiling into the book, and roaming the afghan hills and streets with these two friends, eating imaginary dried mulberries, flying imaginary kites and reliving my halcyon days when i did that as a child – especially flying kites in tournament. the preparation which went into the kite strings. we collected glass shards and cacti for glue and made a pulp of ground glass and cacti and applying it on the string, so it’s sharp and we can cut the other kids’ kites. and so i was reading on, frowning at the bullies and all of a sudden i felt as though someone punched me hard in my stomach, making me totally breathless, when i read that the boy got raped. i was stunned, and tears welled up uncontrollably and i sobbed into my pillow as though i lost someone i loved. i closed the book and walked away and didn’t resume reading it for about a few weeks.

and at another time, i was watching this really passive movie. there was no particular storyline and it might as well be a regular life event. i remember, i was lying across my bed, with my legs resting against the wall and it was a sunday, and it was raining and i just did some stretching exercises on my bed and i had no particular interest in the movie, and the movie was just pleasant with no excitement – oh it’s called “a japanese story”, an australian film, and i was actually mildly enjoying it; like one would while going through some farmland in a car, not stopping, but just enjoying the scenery. and then, fuck ! the boy in the movie dies just like that and i was totally stunned and it left a bad taste in my mouth. i didn’t cry but i was just stunned. it brought out nightmares and the ghosts of my life. same deal with the movie “the bridge to terabithia”.

i mean these are also memories i suppose which i wouldn’t forget in a hurry but i am sure i can live without them.

wordless wednesdays…  it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. no matter how much sleep i get, i can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and my heart’s weird lately, & all of my bones crack whenever i move… so being the intelligent person that i’m, i’ve decided i’ve arthritis & probably i’m dying soon 🙂

i have mapped out a smart future for myself and my kitties… and i am working way too hard, physically and emotionally draining myself. all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this winter, this silent preparation for what is to come when i show up at your door & i’m once again giving myself to something that i once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

amor fati

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i want life so full of curiosity and answers, joy and adventure

i want a break from my usual routine

i’m willing to experiment and be spontaneous

may be a new romance with the old you, or a revitalization of a current you

i’m in a mood for unexpected pleasures

a more playful adventure which would make our lives delightful

i want my dreams to come true

i want to feel a certain something for a certain someone

i want to translate my feelings without a thought

i wish i could capture your heart

if you are here right now, i feel i could and i would

i would touch your face

i would look deep in to your blues (eyes)

i would kiss you full on the mouth

not french kiss. just a kiss

not passionately; no tongue involved

my lips would be slightly bruised

i would mouth the words i love you

i will run my fingers through your hair

i would kiss your nose and rest my cheek against your cheek

you would whisper the words i love you

i’ll lean against your chest, while you caress my breasts

you make me wet

i’m aware of my growing emptiness which can only be filled by (with) you

i would feel your desire for me come alive; hard, throbbing

i invite you in (to me)

open arms, open legs; slightly quivering

I’ll lock you in and I’ll embrace you with my arms

i’ll run my hand on your back; slightly squeezing your fleshy hips, stroke your testicles or balls if you will

i’ll answer your urge with my own; we become one in soul, and mind

i enjoy the force of your ejaculate

still sticky, still wet, still sweating, i nestle against your chest

before i drift into sleep; i will open a book (lord byron) and read you the words dripping with lust

in your arms, i’ll go to sleep (peacefully) tonight. . .

 

“If you can dream – and not make dreams your master; If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same”- Kipling