fall

autumn mists

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i have been driving to work lately as the trains have become increasing unreliable and the straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back was when i had to go back home to get the car because the goddamn train broke down and i detest driving during rush hour as lots of morons are on the road at the same time. but in general i do love driving when no one else is on the road as i love to get lost in my thoughts as my brain is marvelous in thinking things and it has been amazing these few days weather-wise as it is after all fall and the trees are changing colors and i’ve been insanely happy during these glorious morning and evening commutes. i’m also listening to some webinars and other good stuff.

beautiful beautiful autumn ! every year i fall in love with nature and get lost in it’s brilliance of colors. here are a few of the photos of my morning commute where i’ve driven through mists and fog and lost in all of the beauty; the trees changing colors in my vale and my neighborhood and alas lots of yellows but not many reds :/ (i’ll post my evening one as well as it is also super amazing driving thru the dark, twisty roads, with trees towering and changing the landscape giving it a little spooky feel)

the first breath of autumn, the distance from my heart to you ! for what is the point in always looking back – we have our own twilights, shadows, mists and abysses.

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hello fall !

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i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !

2019/10/13

 

sunset kisses

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current exhaustion level: just tried to put glasses on when i was already wearing glasses, momentarily sporting two whole pairs of glasses on my face and only dimly thinking, something feels off….

finally it’s september ! ah september, the doorway to a season when i come alive ! it has finally cooled down enough for me to have the windows open all day and that has well and truly been (nearly) the only thing keeping me sane this week. but it’s got hot and humid again today. in a preemptive action, i started another course of prednisone. i think i have come to an understanding with this as i actually like breathing really well because of prednisone and am controlling my appetite, by skipping dinners or eating only fruits.

life is going as slowly as it could. i’ve been spending way too much time with humans lately and frankly it’s pissing me off. currently reading “girls burn brighter” by shobha rao and it is set in my home state (where they speak telugu) and boy i tell you…  today i came to a place where the girl is getting tortured because her father hasn’t yet paid the remainder of the dowry and i just was so upset, i had to slam the ipad shut and physically take myself out of my cubicle and had to take a walk to calm the fuck down !! then i went and ranted to mike as i was telling him that i was waiting to borrow this book. mike has recently joined out company and he still has that excitement of a freshly employed, and his eyes glow like dark marbles. he is a bit different and he impressed me when he told me that he gets up at 5 am so he can go work out and then read !! reminded me of my husband as he used to wake up at a god awful hour like around 2:30 – 3 am and go bicycling for couple of hours and come home and read till it’s time for me to wake up and he would bring me a cup of coffee to wake me up ! dude, i miss you so fucking much !

the other day “not ross” boy commented “i want to grow old with you but honestly achievement unlocked” because when we just rolled up to petsmart, he (and i realized) that we are accidentally wearing pastel pink outfits. umm, not sure what i should feel, and am i in a relationship now ? aargh ! i don’t wanna be in a relationship (throws a tiny tantrum), i like being single and not having to interact with any of the relatives !? and also can i get a free house in florida ?

the boy is considerably younger than i and i have absolutely no issues with that but i still think he should sire some kids but he detests children. a handful of days ago, i was coming home having discovered entirely new route which not only cuts my commute by 10 mins (driving) but also takes me through crops and open fields and i get to see sunrise every day and i’m happy and blissful to breath in fresh air and watch the skies and sun; but i digress as usual, anyway, i saw some sky divers in one of the open fields and i mentioned this to the boy and he immediately wanted to go and jump. on one hand i’m envious because the day i was supposed to go and jump out of a plan was the day (valentine’s day) i found out that i was pregnant; but i’m like “boy, i’m thinking of making you the step-papa for my kitties” and he said he wouldn’t mind being a dad to them. but i am just looking for a step-dad for my kitties as my husband will always be their dad. anyways, the boy went and jumped and i sulked on the ground.

now that summer is over, i started on my fall / winter self-care. here are a few of favorites : spraying some lush eau-de-parfume or eau-de-toilette after my shower / putting on a clean bra / undershirt and feeling super clean / dressing up just to go to a favorite french cafe on the weekends, ordering a nice croissant and chocolate cake and eating it in a small park near my house / putting on my favorite songs and listening to them on my bed while drifting off to sleep / going to those used book stores and browsing all afternoon (also, i would love to be kissed by ze american boy in a book store) / wearing agent provocateur panties / having orgasms. often. / eating home made fruit salads  / drinking tea and watch leaves fall / after dinner, walking around my neighborhood with my music on and peering at people through their windows

buttons (featured in one of my photos) is currently in that extremely hyperactive-kitty-cat-play-fever mode where if he sits still he’ll die and the slightest move on my part is met with tiny bites and swats and scampering and ten-foot vertical leaps and this is somehow both heart-meltingly cute and aggressively annoying BECAUSE I WAS JUST SITTING HERE MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS PLEASE DO NOT SLAP ME SIR….

sir !

sIR !

SIR !

my cats always make me a partner in their crimes. the other day after i got home and fed my kitties, and just after sundown, sonu was in super hyper crazy nocturnal predator bug-eyed mode and there i was indelicately lounging about on my bed, watching news or some other shit, and this boy just rocket launched himself face first in my no-fly zone. i literally got pussy slammed !

‘seize the day’ they say. and idid. i kept it in your eyes. those staring, unblinking, kind eyes. that poured with your love for me. i hid details of our conversations in your laughter. so that the next time you laugh by yourself you can taste this moment. the waves crashing over grey shores and taking with them the soft light of the sun setting over our lives. another day had passed. yet, that moment couldn’t be encompassed by time. it still remains untarnished in my memory. i go back to the ones i’ve left with to make me last for the rest of my days. i’m using the soul you’ve given me to last for another day. day after day. i didn’t know it was possible to yearn for something as much as i yearn for you. the way you looked up to me like i was the only one you wanted to talk to. how you already knew what i was thinking. how you shared with me your days like a way to seize the day, in my memory. till the time it fades like every frivolous thing. but i’m still holding on to the last flicker burning the candle wick, drowning under the september night. hoping the same sun rises once again.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

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he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

autumn

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fall

last blog i kind of started off talking about changing my eating habits again but got distracted by browns tying-up the game (american football).

to start off, i lost another 0.5 lbs so after almost three months of working out i lost a total of 1 lb… yay ?!? also i not only made the gym board last month (for the month of august) but i actually topped it and i was goddamn pleased with it but alas this month my name is nowhere to be seen as i put in no time in september.

as i kept bleating over and over, asthma took (and is still taking) a toll on my health and weight management; also lack of motivation due to wanting to give up on life for a while also didn’t help (confession: i still want to give up but i don’t see a way out yet as my kitties will be orphans); and i finally gotten enlightenment where i realized that i can die a little every day and be miserable or just try and make changes and start dancing again and to get back into ballet and look like old self again, i changed my mindset and making all kinds of changes and giving my old funny self a chance to come out and be a dancer. working out is a good thing if you already don’t know it. it’s good because, endorphins. it makes you feel great about yourself and keeps you happy. working out is a good stress reliever because one is not allowed to kill that annoying coworker or a family member. i know it’s not easy as i made myself into a whale, but i am determined to dance, whale or not… getting fit (i am not talking about becoming thin) is not easy as my body learnt to become lazy and gotten into severe bad eating habits; again, i stress that one could be a vegetarian but still have bad eating habits… i started setting myself goals with very small changes.

i started eating at least one avocado religiously everyday because i want to work towards becoming a vegan and i usually rely on eggs for omega 3s and 6s fatty acids and avocados are a good substitute.

currently my nutritional intake is roughly about 85% carb, 10% protein and 5% fat and i need to adjust my ratios to somewhere like 68% carb, 18% protein and 14% fat which is easier said than done and aaaaaaaaaargh !

also i’m finding myself doing a big pot of meals with flesh for the “if it doesn’t have meat in it, i won’t eat it” member of my household aka sandalwood and a small pot of completely plant based meals for myself and this gotta change as it’s bad enough i’ve to debone, deskin and defat, roast chickens for my kitty babies and now i’ve cook as well with flesh and frankly, bleh ! yesterday when i was shopping for some meat, i found a butterflied lamb and i picked it up with the tips of my fingers and was carrying it at arms length while looking for a plastic bag to put it in, when a guy at the grocery store helped me with that, commenting that my hands looked full (i was carrying the lamb thing in one hand and my car keys in the other) – i always have adventures at the store. one time i was trying to get a bottle of lemon juice which was on the top shelf and towards back and i’m a tiny person. after standing on my toe tips, and stretching and almost climbing the grocery store shelf, i finally got hold of a bottle and for a second i was pleased with myself on this victory only to find that the bottle i blindly grabbed at was wrong type of lemon juice and i loudly went “fucking hell” and turned around and almost ran into this guy who was behind me and he coolly went “do you want me to grab your bottle” and he did.

finally my boys patriots are warming up and winning games – still ways to go to win the super bowl but patience is a virtue – these sports are not good for my blood pressure; as i keep grinding my teeth, screaming and pulling my hair.. but watching sports is fun 😊

on work front, things are great as usual. tim recently lost his sister and i felt very sorry for him. he is one of those strong silent types, who hide their feelings. i tried my best to console him. and oh, at my work, there is a jewish person (whom i haven’t met) in another city and one day we were exchanging work related emails, and i wished him happy rosh hashanah (as it was that time) and he was pleasantly surprised and since then we have been sharing our faith. i am strictly “if you ask me i’ll share my faith” person and this is giving me an opportunity to share. i asked eric, the silent one, to teach me deadlifts at gym and oh well, since my last conversation, he was too busy with work and couldn’t get into gym. my gym time is also a bit less what with work (apparently i have to work as i need to get paid) and the whole farce with brett kavanaugh hearings. there are a few people at work who told me that they like chatting with me and one day this boy came up to talk to me and after he left, my colleague is like you were flirting with that boy. it’s a possibility as i am a big flirt and i do it without even thinking, but this boy is a child and as much as i date men who are far younger than i am, i don’t think i would date anyone who isn’t yet 30

september is done (why is time in such a hurry ?) – i embraced september’s dark and dreary and watched it’s beautiful decline into decay and nature preparing for it’s winter sleep. october came with a flourish and with remnants of august summer. i am terrified of my own happiness. i have been retracing steps and examining how things were going, and more importantly fixing what was broken. it rained hard last night, showers a little today, all courtesy of a storm who is making an appearance in my neighborhood, but the still cool temps helped me through a medium-long run of couple of miles.  it was a pretty sight, running through the mists in the dusk lights of the neighborhood. as a general rule, i don’t go running as i want to protect my knees but yesterday i couldn’t hit the gym and my body wants pain and this phase feels right, and looking like all the pain and sweat of these weeks is gonna pay off.

the best things of life are not things, but moments. somedays are just wonderful and i just want to tie them up into a little bouquet. i’m trying to create beautiful moments with my babies. every sunday i throw open my front door and my kids run around in the lawn while i try and straighten out the house. there’s a big difference between being centered and being self-centered.if you live your life as if everything is about you… you will be left with just that. just you. magic is inside you and it is all around. it’s in the twinkling wink of the stars and in the whispers of the wind in the trees; and it’s in the seductive scents of the flowers; and in my heart when it skips a beat every time i see american boy; it’s in the warm embrace of my kitties and it’s in the spark when sandalwood and i kiss. and all i need to do is pull off the darkness that shrouds my view and call up the magic which is buried deep inside me…