feelings

hollow echoes…

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

unbelievable how fast the time goes. it feels like october just made an appearance, like yesterday, and here we are almost at the end of this month.

this week was a bit hard, you guys, in spite of all my favorite teams won and i’m afraid i’ve forgotten again how to be happy. i know sadness, i know fear, i know longing and anxiety and despair. i am always trying to be content but you know happiness is a choice and well, everything is heavy now. i’m weighed down and i can do nothing.

living is just not enough – one must have kittens, books and flowers; i was always trying to fill in gaps and wide open spaces left behind by all those people i loved before and i kept drifting in between what it means to find the one person that can mean everything, sweep me off my feet in a rush of falling in love too soon and getting caught in the net of potential.

we all have stories and sometimes we can’t face the truth and we are not honest.

what i am trying to say is, i forgotten to be sincere with myself. i thought that it’s tangible and raw, picked from the sleeve where i carry my emotions on, but i’m not sure.

i have remainders and reminders from my story; figurative paper cuts, dog-eared memory holders, a little smudge of tears. my story is clumsily written and sometimes it’s difficult; sometimes a handful of pills and a glass all empty; sometimes a razor and thin red lines on my inner thighs. my words stumble and slip but there are still details in my breaths and syllables. even though my thoughts are inconsistent, my head is not concise, and my sense is irregular, i try my best to make my words genuine. after all, a true story isn’t told; it’s felt.

i need to keep grounded, even when my head is in the clouds. i have to stay honest with myself. i need to remain humbled. i keep fighting and all through my life, i keep hearing myself telling me, that i’m not “deserving” or “valuable.”

if you listen closely enough, you can hear when a life breaks. it’s 8776 days since julien passed away. it’s 1618 days since jace passed. everyone thinks that it’s the initial pain that hurts the most when someone dies.

they’re wrong.

it’s the missing that leaves your teeth aching, the trembling fingertips when all you want is to press the call button on your phone, the time when you realize that there are things they will never live through. it’s sitting across the dinner table and saying “there’s nothing more that i want than what is impossible to become possible again.” it’s the 14th of every month. it’s the 23rd of every month. it’s those moments where you just need to share when you see a cute kitty photo or what to do when you’re angry at something or someone. it’s that never ending desire to talk to them every day. trying to remember what my last conversation was and what i should have said instead.

but the hardest thing, the most painful, is that the sadness will never go away; it will only subside and fade. and living with constant sadness hurts more than anything else.

but you know what ? i sing anyway.

it’s up to me to make memorable moments so i can lean on. life is not measured in number of breaths i take, but in moments which take my breath away.

to the ‘autumn-boy’

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

11:11

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

these days have been full and brimming and chaotic and deeply, deeply beautiful. it feels as though i have been running for miles and miles and all the tall trees, like maples and oaks, blossomed and started dusting their pollen. whenever i look at time and if it says 11:11, i smile a little and remember my husband who doesn’t exist anymore. this was a promise i made to him (we both made to each other but he is no more). i made similar kind of promise to my love julien, and that was every day at 7 am and 7 pm, i would remember him. and yes he did the same kind of promise and well, he doesn’t exist anymore.

some days i feel heavy with all these ghosts i carry around but those ghosts sustain me. my losses and traumas are irrevocably twined into the tapestry of my life…. i keep tracing my scars with my fingertips.

life has become a bit restless for me. but i have been very productive. kind of buttoning down all those things which were hovering in general.

have been chatting with various people at my company (not in my department) in order to pave a way for a different career and use my education for a change possibly as a data scientist and predictive analyst. it won’t be quite the same as research and development, but it’s definitely more intellectual and analytical. i am so awed by all these scientists who i was chatting with as they are so grounded and so down to earth when they talked to me and i was humbled. also, loved talking science things for a change.

today was mother’s day and i have hugged my children tightly and bought them a roast chicken. when i was out to store to buy the roast, i saw quite a lot of families and all the mothers (wives) were pushing the carts fully loaded with purchased items and i was quietly fuming at the lazy bastard husbands who were strolling alongside while their wives were pushing. i mean, really, one day you can’t do the pushing ? i am not one who observe these holidays especially now that i am literally an orphan, but i thought at least this day, the women would get a break from pushing a cart.

i understood my family through the lens of men in my family, who told stories – who passed their histories to me. the mythology of men who tried to shape how i viewed the women in my life, like my mum or my mother’s mum or my dad’s mum; i am rewriting that narrative. i write and rewrite the women, especially my mum and the years of her grieving; for me, my distance away from her, a reminder of what she lost; i also remember, that she has hurt me in ways that she never accepted or acknowledged. i remember, i remember, and again and again, i return to those memories and her house. i return to those long, long car rides, and how tired i was and how she sounded, a little happy “call me sometime soon okay ?” and that she would not call her children, but will wait for them to call her. and she sounded relieved a little that the pressure is off of her. she always sounded well. i miss her all the same.  she was who i molded my personality and i imprinted after her and her strength was my alphabet for feminism. i have been blessed with women who have the strength of 100 people even when their entire world would tell them to stay in a corner because they were women.

sandalwood keeps pestering me to go and play tennis with him and there was a time i used to play and not anymore. maybe i should dust off my racquet and try and hit some balls. sandalwood feels like summer, and he is brilliant and burning; a hot spit and a violent flash of possibility. i’m not sure if i am ready to fall in love with him. for a boy who is tall enough to reach the stars, i want to learn how to trust (you) with my eyes closed and fingers crossed, but i am too scared to do that.

lately i have been spending a majority of my evenings outdoors and i think that’s what summer is all about sometimes. i’m fresh-faced and open to exploring the wilderness. i don’t mind the bug bites and curls in my hair from the heavy humid air and the way my toes scrunch up at the first touch of ice cold water in the shade. i don’t want to stop moving. i’m still youthful and i’m ready to stop thinking and start living, and if that means getting lost sometimes on purpose and taking spontaneous late night walks where the fireflies illuminate the trees, then okay, i’m ready. there are so many things that i’m hoping to find this summer and though i’m unsure of what exactly they might be, i’m ready to discover them hidden within the parts of people, of strangers, of myself that i never expected to uncover.

and that’s where i’m at right now.

li’l confused me

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 2 Comments

i started this blog as i wanted to share my writing about this boy i have a huge crush on and i was kind of posting the writings on my other social sites but he started reading them and i got suddenly scared. i love writing and capturing my day with words and as this boy is usually a major part of my day he invariably crops up in my writings. my feelings are confusing because i shouldn’t feel for him as he is in a relationship.

yesterday archana and i went to max brenner as she is visiting from california after a long time and before she moved to california, she and i loved to hang out. i don’t befriend many people but we became friends. i have another blog but it’s kind of linked to a religious organization and so i decided i will keep it clean. i have a very strong vocabulary and sometimes it’s too much and so my writing will be uncensored here and it will also serve as a journal.

and in this blog i want to vent things related to my feelings; my feelings about this boy; my political views; anything or everything which bothers me or makes me happy;

archana and i caught up with each other’s life; she told  me that she had two miscarriages and i told her how my husband died; we consoled each other; we didn’t cry because we are strong. she has gone back now to her home, to her husband.

coming back to the boy, my confusion or may be it’s not confusion. archana says i shouldn’t bury my feelings because he has a girl friend. as long as he isn’t married, she says, i should explore and leave it to the “universe” hahaha… by that she meant leave it to God. she is a hindu so…  i sort of understand what she means but i am like but i heard the boy say he is working up to ask his girl friend to marry and i am like ugh ! i know he isn’t married but i want him to be happy… i had very traumatic endings to my relationships (two) and i don’t want anything but being content and happy and he makes me smile. but i am also scared. so i am doing the best thing i do… write ! and write !

see you soon, dear blog !