general

week 3 – shelter in place

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we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

drizzly friday

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this is how we roll !

it’s foggy, cold, and drizzly outside…that drizzly kind of rain that clings to everything and covers the world with dewdrop diamonds…. the perfect friday for staying under sheets, cuddles with kitties, and immersive reads… hope it clears out by tonight as we are going to have meteor showers and i’m ready with my blanket to watch them whiz by…

2019-11-22

hello february

/ mycatisafrenchspy

february already feels confused – like blizzards and birds… like the stuff dreams are made of. by this time everyone i know, came to know my plans to buy a house. after going through my current neighborhood and finding no cottages with my specs i came to a realization that it doesn’t matter how big the house is, what matters is that it should feel like home. so i probably going to head back to my old neighborhood… houses with a past and character and probably lots of stories to tell.

“two bubbles found they had rainbows on their curves.
they flickered out saying: it was worth being a bubble, just to have held that rainbow thirty seconds.” (carl sandberg)

it’s enchanting to imagine a bubble finding joy in its brief existence.

february is enchanting and i can sense that spring is in the air… magic is in the air and nature is magical. it has a way of softening your heart without you even knowing. time moves so fucking fast and before i even realized it, it’s almost valentine’s day and yes i have a date or two….

i met this blonde boy who works for goldman sachs on the train who i named “god’s bankers” because that was the book he is currently reading. anyway we usually travel home together in the evening and we find ourselves seated in the same row sometimes next to him and sometimes with someone in between us (three seater) and today i was at a different end of the train and i had my eyes glued to my book all through the journey and when it was almost time for my stop i lifted my head up to find “god’s bankers staring” at me from the other end of the train and i wondered what happened to his book. oh well, here’s an interesting development i thought as he is cute in a way as i never really saw him as we usually sit next to each other. i made it a point to look into his eyes before i got off… i believe in having a backup plan.

i’m still reading the handmaid’s tale and i have about 100 pages to go. the other day something funny (?!?) happened. when i get to a interesting section in a book, i really can’t wait to get back to it and my best reading times nowadays are during my commute and so there i was behind a couple of blokes who are talking and i was behind them to get on the train and they don’t fucking move… they are letting everybody else get in front of them and here i was trapped and of course, i went “for fuck sake” and one guy was like “let the girl with the cloud on her head get in first..” well, fuck you, i thought, but i got in and happily read my book.

the handmaid’s tale is so damn beautiful. it’s the perfect metaphor or hyperbole for how the world works. for fear, for extremism and dangerous mindsets.

it’s a fucking masterpiece and it portraits reality through an extremely talented way and oh boy i love the characters. such powerful and fucking inspiring women!

the handmaid’s tale brings out such an important message out there. about a “ woman’s place” (very true reference) and a woman’s power and desire to fight back. it’s filled with the most relevant messages and lessons. for all of you out there that refuse to accept not just than the lack of gender equality but also the lack of understanding (about everything). i mean it’s a variation of my story or any woman who have to actually go through so much crap just to exist. most of the people live in their own version of reality but the reality is completely stunning and numbing.

a couple of days ago i had lunch with my boss as for some reason y’all, everyone wants to have lunch with me now a days and she was like tell me how you came to this country and the short version is my father gave me an ultimatum either get out of india or marry my cousin. i, of course, got out and i am the card carrying black sheep of my family because i did things my way. i am not trying to be disrespectful to my parents because they were confined to the social norms and they didn’t like to break any even if it makes them happy. and i understood them as they were caught between society and their daughter. but i have decided a long time ago, well, in fact after i read fountain head that i would be a howard roark and be true to no one else but me.

we recently had a week of frigid weather and i worked from home as i couldn’t really risk standing in the cold weather waiting for a train as i would surely die of asthma. but i had to go out one day and i poured a glass of hot water so i can get the car door open and then i locked my front door and got into my car leaving the keys on the passenger seat and then realized that the car was severely freezing and so decided i would go and fetch gloves and beanie from the house and in my haste i shut the car door forgetting that i left my house keys inside and of course, the car door froze itself again. and i looked up and noticed one of my cats is at the window, staring at me. and he paws at the window lightly and meowed. it’s devastating. his eyes are so big and imploring. and my heart broke and decided that i have to get back inside my house at all costs. not even god himself can stop me from reaching my cats and feeding them their wet food dinner. a greek god may materialize out of the frozen mists and ask me “hey you wanna bang ?” and i would be like ‘hell yeah but first let me get this car door open so i can feed my cats his dinner” i remember there is a hand sanitizer in my purse which may have a bit of alcohol and so i took that out and rubbed it on the key hole and the sides where the door contacts with the rest of the car and also methodically poured the same over the door frame and after a bit the door moved a little bit, but didn’t quite open and screeching like a pterodactyl, i pulled the door with all i got and thus released the frozen grip of the door… i grabbed the keys (after lowering the window of the car and starting the car to warm the interior) and opened my house and ran upstairs and yelled  “mommy’s home my little babies and don’t worry”at my cats… and minnu started purring and trying to climb me like he always does every time i came home and the others looked confused wondering why i got back home so soon….

there you have it.  a warm end to my frozen story.

my life in a circle…

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for the past few days it has been humid and no relief in sight and it also rained a bit. past weekend was very nice with a couple of nice days… i gardened while my kids frolicked in the lawn.

and a rant: a couple of days ago, i was going downstairs to pick up the pizza (don’t ask) for the office with another girl and we were both in a fitness challenge and i was telling her how i keep putting on weight because of my asthma (steroids = lipogenic, lipocentric + hunger) and this one woman in the elevator was like and also when one becomes middle aged. she is overweight, probably from eating all the goddamn pizza in the world and even though i was polite and nodded, this co-op girl and i both looked at each and once she left the elevator, i was like “bitch, did i fucking ask you ?” and we both giggled.

i have become really restless and there is no joy currently because i haven’t been dancing and i am putting in a healthy amount of time at the gym and while i feel my inches coming off, my scale isn’t budging. i am just hoping i would continue to work out without any major pauses due to unwelcomed asthma episodes. i keep bleating to sandalwood about my weight, and he keeps saying, even tho you are overweight, you are cute with a sexy smile and that some people may have good figure, they are ugly. and while this is true, it doesn’t help. and of course, even when i was thin as a rake, i never wanted to be with someone who just wanted me for my looks and sandalwood, i thank god, is a lovely person who appreciates me for who i’m and that he isn’t a shallow person and i really would like to look good for him.

also, me putting in time at my work gym is the key i think as usually to go to gym near my house, i am dependent on my idiot friend jack, who disappears for days and i get lazy; if not that it would be some other goddamn reason; and also did i mention that the gym which was closer to my home closed down which majorly fucked me up. so, i am thinking i would try and put in time at my work and then put in extra work at a gym. but i am thinking of going salsa dancing… let’s see what my future days bring.

the other day jack and i had dinner and i kept telling him, “touch me, touch me” because now a days my arms are like rocks and yes there is still fat in them and i have miles to go but at least i am on a properly motivated road. and at this point, i must share my appreciation for my colleague eric, the silent one. he is so ripped and when i walk behind him, i keep admiring his muscles, if you know what i mean. my boy, sandalwood, isn’t ripped. he is well endowed, but he doesn’t work out that much.

here is a story which tim from my work and i share. from our windows we can see a construction site with a crane perched on top and i have been observing this crane for every day like almost a year now and it’s fascinating to watch the crane operation. i feel close to the “crane boy” and i keep updating tim about his activities. the other day we both stood in our conference room and watched the crane boy work a bit and i was telling tim that i am in a long distance relationship with crane boy and he said, you will be broken-hearted once the crane is gone. i told him, broken heart is part of life. i wanted to take a photo of my crane today, but i forgot. may be monday.

every day when i get home, my kittyboy, minnu, always jump into my arms or keep following me telling me “mum pick me up, pick me up” and he wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and coo in my ears and it’s cute to watch his efforts trying to get to my neck to snuggle by jumping from table to table; but here is the thing. usually by the time i get home, my bladder is full and i am like “i need to pee, i need to pee” and i usually end up picking him up and bring him with me to the toilet.

last sunday, sandalwood and i went to museum… i am not sure if i ever mentioned or not, but he has nice chiseled looks with greenish/blue eyes which mesmerize (see the gratuitous photo i posted).  honestly tho, in this photo he actually looks adultish because of his little stubble and when he shaves it off, he looks like a child. when i look into his eyes, i feel like a little fish and that i am swimming in them… 😊  i told him one time, when we went to movies, shouldn’t that be one adult, one child (when he was purchasing two adult tickets) and he said without pausing, i think it should be one adult and one senior citizen… bastard ! but my age or weight doesn’t bother me a bit, as i look young and unless i divulge it, no one can even guess. and of course, i fuck like a bunny. but still yes, i am trying to shed extra-fat as i would like to start dancing again. plus i think i have to meet his family at some point this year #sidelook.

it’s summer and i’m letting my hair grow long and i’ve learned to shout secrets at the stars while spending my nights snuggling with sandalwood, our t-shirts soaked with sweat, and catching myself in the mirror and thinking, i’m looking a bit taller and older; tired and itching and trying to escape into the sun, to feeling the burn of sunrays against my skin and i just feel furious, and fragile and free.

ties that bind

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i always wanted my love life to be a really grand adventure like that of my days with julien. since then it’s like “in search of lost time” and the love i find is actually very pleasant and quite restful but no grand adventure.

a recent development in my life which is kind of rippling my feelings is the american boy started going to the gym right the time when i am in the gym… i mean, i understand why tho as at that time the gym at our work is quite vacant as opposed to during lunch hour. the gym i used to visit near my house had closed down and i am in search of a gym which is really unfruitful and i am bouncing from one to another and feeling in general unmotivated. and since the closing of the gym i have not been working out which is a few months and my problems aka asthma related breathing issues, steroid related tummy and bloating issues started creeping back. and so i started going to my work gym and much to my surprise american boy started as well and tho i am pleased i am bit miffed. well can you blame me tho ? i aimed for a grand passion and excitement with him and wanted to go to pieces with him but it wasn’t so and now that i have sandalwood and i do appreciate him who understands me and wants to be with me in my quiet moments. and now here i am again and i am a bit confused with my feelings for this american boy. well que sera whatever will be and all that jazz i suppose..

in other news, last week was a busy week for me as wed, thurs, friday i took three cats to vet and after $600 later, found nothing is severely wrong with any of them and thank god for that, but i was exhausted. i get home around 6 and then take the kitties to vet around 7 pm after feeding the rest of the brood and get home around 9:30 and take a shower and get into bed. as if this is not enough, the workout i have been doing resulted in me being sore and boy, i was sore.

this sunday, i watched the movie ben-hur which is a remake and not the original ben-hur with charlton heston. while the cast looked more like middle easterners, like the jewish people in judea would have been, they wanted to make it politically correct where everyone is guilt free, etc and this honestly wanted me to go and puke my little guts out. i kept giggling at the actor who played jesus as he was quite awkward in dialogue delivery and looked quite cross. so every time he comes on the screen i was giggling at the jesus who looked cross.. 😊 but i cried my eyes out at the crucifixion or rather the journey to the cross as these scenes remind me how a thousand times i failed him and yet his mercy remains towards me and how much god loves us all and not as a whole human population but that he loved each and every person whoever lived on this planet earth. and i hastily add that jesus’ suffering and dying on the cross is not just about the physical pain and first death as many people in those times were crucified.

i made enough vegetable pottage to last me for like, three full days’ worth of meals. incredible. i spent sunday indoors as it was super muggy and hot and today surpassed sunday reading a god of small things. the boy that i’m seeing, sandalwood, texted me, saying he saw me walking through town while he was driving. i am lying curled in my bed , watching my lazy cats play and furl, play and furl in slow, slow rhythm — i thought “it’s nice to hear from him today.”

i’ve finished eating my stew a while ago but still i am so much warmer; all those spices and five cloves of garlic and turmeric will do that — fill you with a hazy hazy heat.

 

love apparently

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’m here and here are somethings i want you to know, all you lovely people of the internet…. i’m fully exhausted with my scheduled feedings of horus and every day is another misery and i’m wondering how long would it take to finally break me with this sleeplessness…. but seeing my kid come to my bed when i stir in the wee morning and then purr happily with the anticipation of nourishment, is a magnificent sight and he comes meowing and cooing and rubs his head against my face and i’m happy. he is still showing no interest in eating on his own except couple of times when he licked a bit of some chicken flavored food. i so need to get a variety of foods to see which one he would like to eat, but i’m exhausted. i think it’s partly because my lungs are not working as well as they should in spite of inhaler and i can’t wait for the weather to turn a bit warm and bring me fresh set of allergies..

so robbie (the boy who just turned 30) wanted to take me to canada for valentine’s day… but i said no as it requires me getting a passport and i’m planning not to get a passport for a while as i am still on steroids for my breathing and it makes me look bloaty and passports have expiration dates for like ten years or so… and therefore, we probably may end up at la croix, my favorite french restaurant in philly..

i was talking to tim (my mentor) about negative results or negative learning. this is something where you find out that you don’t like to do xyz. for example, one may do something like gardening for the first time and decide it’s not their cup of tea.. in this regard i was telling him how jace (my husband) did two things in the name of science and experiment. well, we scientists are suckers for data and so we collect for everything. when he was fifteen, he worked with a farmer for a summer to find out how farming life is and he found that farming was hard labor and that he never would be a farmer. another time, when he was doing his post doc in paris, france, jace  dressed up as a homeless man and he stood in a corner and begged for money (not even that, he told me, he just stood there with a hat in his hand) and he found out that beggars made lot more than his student stipend… 😊 i was so filled with happiness from talking about jace…

my american boy keeps circling my cubicle… i was standing way too close to him today and it’s hard not to flirt or seduce him… in spite of the cold weather, i was warm. sober and whole and innocent. in the most natural of states. with him, like his presence made me something better, newer, cleaner. like this was all i had needed. a balm for my scars… something so familiar with a foreign thrill, the spits of water burning off the scars. they seem to fade when he touches them. i forget they exist. and i forget that i live in an imaginary world.

little warning my lovely boy…

seduction is both a science and an art.  in order to perfect it, one must construct a hypothesis based on extensive research and subject that hypothesis to rigorous testing. ultimately, though, the key to seduction is the communication of your results.  therein lies the art.  the manner of presentation rests within the curl of my lips and eyes and discretion. and i’m quite an expert in communicating with my curves and lips and eyes.

and also, seduction is like boxing.  it requires both endurance and persistence.

breathe deeply, my darling boy…  i’ve only just put on my gloves.