goals

reminders

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

my yesterdays & my paper moon

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

so life is going smoothly and then there was a wee little wrinkle… my landlord texted me saying that the township needs to do a little inspection and aargh, i royally freaked out as i have a baker’s dozen cats and i lied to my landlord. but i don’t have a choice and so with a false bravado i told him they can do the inspection (last) friday and that i should be home. i was counting on the fact that when some stranger comes into the house, they will all disappear into thin air as if a magician has waved a wand. the inspection lady came in and she literally did a five minute inspection, flitting about from one room to another, with comments like, did you just move in ? (darn, there goes my plan of not unpacking till i move again) and oh, that’s a lot of cats (on account, all my cats, were resting comfortably on my bed when she got into my room)… oh well, oops.

weather turned colder and i almost died today.  i have this habit of washing my hair every morning because a couple of my cats, sleep on my head and i don’t want to smell like cats..  so now a days when i start walking up to the platform my hair jingles (having turned into icicles). i probably have to go buy a blow dryer or settle for pneumonia. this morning was especially hard on me as yours truly, got a wee bit sick yesterday (freezing my head didn’t help) and didn’t sleep well and i was groggy and moved about in slow motion. on top of it i haven’t taken my inhaler. my lungs are still open but frigid air is the trigger for my asthma and so when i got out of my car in the parking lot, my lungs closed quickly, and i had like 5 mins to catch my train and so i kind of moved fast and not giving myself enough room to breathe deeply and of course, it was useless anyway as the frigid air already shut off my lungs  and the path to the platform is a bit steep and so when i finally reached the pinnacle, i was completely out of oxygen and lack of oxygen triggered panic attack and so i almost passed out and panicked simultaneously and blindly reached into my purse for my rescue inhaler which i couldn’t find. and after deciding i am not gonna die this way, i talked myself to stop panicking and started taking slow deep breaths and finally got a little bit of oxygen back into my lungs and made my way onto the platform just in time as the train pulled into the station (it was late by 5 mins). lessons learned today: buy a fucking blow dryer; get out of the house early so i have enough time to catch the train; always carry rescue inhaler in my jacket pocket;

before i forget, my boys patriots, have won (super yay) and they are heading to kansas city to battle the chiefs this sunday and it is going to be a glorious battle, but i believe in my boys and that they will win. in small print, if chiefs win, i would still be ok as the qb maholmes is impressive as well and if anyone deserves to beat patriots, it would be him.

i giggle whenever i see women wearing high heels and then walk as though they are constipated. i was chatting with one of the coop girls and one of my colleagues passed us by and of course she was walking awkwardly and i was giggling uncontrollably. the purpose of wearing high heels is to walk seductively while swishing your derrier (or hips) and not look constipated… man, i wear boots as it’s been a while since i discarded high heels for comfort and i walk more seductively than some of these women. i promised the coop, that i would start dressing up like a “girl” as it’s not that i don’t want to dress up, its just that i don’t have anyone to impress as i consider most of the people at work “not worth impressing” as they are not up to my level or standard whether in intelligence or looks (i was super gorgeous before my asthma) and don’t get me wrong, i look like a beached whale now but i still command attention. and of course, one shouldn’t give importance to looks, but if one has looks and intelligence, with a great personality – hang on to that person 🙂

spring is around the corner and this new found breathing ability is giving me hopes of getting back into dancing; also my living room is kind of like a dance studio and this weekend i blasted latin music and danced salsa…  and my legs are still hurting and i think it’s because of one of the side effects of prednisone.

today i had a very interesting conversation with one of my colleagues, tyler… a while ago, i remember having a cake while saying good bye to him and i thought he left but i saw him recently and then again today in the kitchen. i started talking to him, as the scientist in me has oodles of questions and i asked him if he came back and if he didn’t like the other job. and then he informed me that he took time off to hike appalachian mountain range and my mouth fell open and i had immense respect. you should have seen me… i swear my eyes got bigger, rounder and started glowing like a 100 watt bulb…  if you don’t know what appalachians are, you should. i hiked appalachian as a day trip for years and once when my husband & i were on the top of the range, the whole sky was pregnant with thunderstorm promising clouds and i swear, i would have touched them if i just lifted my hands… but i got royally freaked out and with jace still protesting, i hastily got back into our car. jace wanted to have camping on the top of the mountains with our kids, and alas, it never happened as we lost our son.

anyway, tyler explained that he did the whole appalachian range, from maine to georgia and i was further impressed and also i was pinch envious of him. he was explaining to me how he hiked two to four days straight and then he would get back down into a town to replenish food and also to shower and rest. goddamn ! i added this to my bucket list. i wonder if i would ever accomplish all the things i have on my list, but i will try my best. well anyway, he promised me he will show me his photos once he gets a chance to arrange them into a book.

even though, i’m surrounded by shadows that are darker than death, and even though the fact that the constellations have begun to fade in my world, they are of little importance, i’m fighting to keep my own star lit. just so i can finally shine my way back into the light, and follow my star shine to that place where i’ve always wanted to be because somewhere deep inside my bones i know it would feel just like home, sweet home.

life may not be a box of chocolates. but it’s definitely a delicious array of many tempting selections and we have little choice and no fucking clue what’s waiting in the direction we are headed; sometimes exquisite happiness and sometimes dead-ends and disappointments. and you, my dear, are definitely a chocolate, the new one i picked and the new way i am headed, attempting to leave my past and wanting to indulge in new things… like you. i will keep my chin up and walk into this (our ?) adventure not knowing if you join me, or i will get knocked down; if i get knocked down, i will pick myself up and off the ground as i did in extreme heartaches and embrace my life despite my mistakes, and i will endeavor to keep positive thoughts in my mind and a happy song in my heart….

1/15/2019

news, goals & general rant

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

sitting on the edge of the bed and contemplating on life in general and all the corners we turn and rough roads we travel on. all happy families are happy alike and unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique way (i’m quoting it from the book “the dinner” which is my current read) i’m a feminist and would love to castrate all men and then i remember the pleasure of sex and the need for a penis. toys, including the most expensive ones, are a great let down. and i have these urges which needed to seeing to on a regular basis. at the back of my mind, i know i should take up a lover soon as i need to fuck properly and as i said, sex toys are a huge let down. and i still think maybe we should castrate all dumb people including females.

coming back to the point, was at my vet’s today and the guy there, was moping about and i asked him what’s wrong and he told me he can’t see his daughter this christmas as his ex put a restriction order or something on him citing sexual abuse just because his 9 year old wrote a letter to a boy in her class saying she may be pregnant. now this guy is a general, all american jackass who preens around like he is a god’s gift to women folk and most of the time, i feel like slapping him, but i have seen him with his daughter and he ain’t the type and i would have hard time believing it. whenever i was at the vet’s, i saw him seating little alicia in front of one of the computer for her to play games, with a candy or a juice box and this blonde kid and i would chat about various things as she keeps playing her games on the computer. the world has gone rogue and it’s a good thing i don’t have kids as i would have been a nervous wreck or a she-hulk squishing anyone and everyone who dares to look at my babies. all this because of the evilness of humans.  as i said, i am a feminist and i am all for women’s rights and all that jazzy stuff, but now a days things have gone too far in the name of rights, civil or otherwise, whether it’s race issues or sexual harassment or what not. which completely nauseates me. everybody giggles over and over again when racial slurs or sexual harassment happen on movies, or tv but in reality, this is life imitating after such shows ! anyway, there’s a huge rant brewing up on all this goddamn #metoo movement and i have this urge to slap someone and i am not sure who i should slap.

this month was extraordinary in which i branded myself unlovable and closed my heart to my boy and shut my goddamn blog down, but then i forgot that i have approx. 25k followers on one of the social media and that they love reading my stuff; i was inundated with emails asking for permission, and needless to say i made my blog public again as it became a painful chore and i’m a lazy person to begin with.

my company had a huge holiday party & i was there to take care of stuff and i had no intention of mingling or chatting or networking with people, but i was introduced to this one executive by sheer chance and he and i said some amicable things and all of sudden it became an opportunity to grow within the company and i immediately designated him (and i told him as well) as my mentor no. 2 and he advised me to take some courses and he asked me to give him my resume so he can forward to the right parties. i related this to my mentor, tim, and he and i started outlining my courses. i told him that i would like to do another degree but refuse to put in 180 credits (for a bs) and he said i would like to see you try….. lol  but for me it seems such a waste because i have two masters already along with two bachelors and in four majors.

and then tim & i got into this huge episode involving persimmons thesis and an exploding hachiya in my purse as i love over ripe hachiyas.

there’s a little writing board in my cubicle and tim wrote, “it’s all our fault”. since day one, he kept telling me this and it’s like a private joke between us. last week my boss told me that as a feedback, she was told that i take things personal and get offended and it kind of took me by surprise and my temper rose and i became evil for an instant but i told her that their perception may be correct and probably depends on the context and that she should only pay attention to what tim says about me and no one else because frankly speaking, everyone else can go and fuck themselves and i could care less about what others think of me and that it only matters to me what she and tim think of me. after all, i have dealt with most powerful men in my life and gained their respect. but we put off this conversation for a future day in january, 2018 when we go out to eat where i will dissect out the department in detail as she wants my feedback.

i have taken detours and side steps to avoid terry, but ended up on his office door step and he looked like a lamb or a deer with his eyes caught in the headlights and he chatted about christmas and what i believe and i really don’t mind him asking me about my values or my life but general manners dictate i should ask him the same, but i really don’t want to know about his life as it makes me feel empty and broken all over again. i mean, what is the point, i can’t share his life & personally i think he should get married, so i can move on as married men are off limits & what is he waiting for any way ? goddamn ! it gave me a huge pleasure to tell him “freddie krueger” delivers the presents under the christmas tree when he said (and god i hope he was joking) he believes in santa or else who delivers his presents ? and i can tell he wasn’t expecting me to say that. haha !

things are getting to normal for me again and i’m relatively ok. have cut my arms and walked around with full sleeves to hide the scars. and the rest of the year, i have taken off so i can selfcare and catch up with myself and say hello to myself and see how i’m doing.

i reset and revisited my goals. i’m looking forward to become healthy and get my ballet body back and my regular gym visits are already showing results and my boobs are perky even without the bra and i am running around with no bra now a days and my midsection is actually melting (thank heavens i won’t die as a half a cow) as i usually look like a beached whale because of my steroids and if i don’t put in time at the gym.

goal 2 would be to gain knowledge in finance and master the same and pave way towards my new career.

goal 3 would be to clear out my house of all things which remind me of my past.

goal 4 and this is the hard one. for a while now, i wanted to write two letters and i haven’t so far. one to my son who i lost. christian who jace and i conceived. and the other letter to the child julien and i dreamed of having and the baby girl whose name julien picked out. noélie. julien and i never conceived a child. but i kept going back to her name. i feel like it is important somehow. it keeps popping up in my mind at random times of the day. i feel like i need to tell you (terry) this. but why bring that up when it’s not important ? when it makes no difference ? we aren’t a we. but in the back of my mind, there they are. always.

optional goal would be to find a french lover or two or three and why not ? lol

bonne nuit à tous !