ii

a love letter

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/07/2017

dear boy,

i would have asked you if you saw the moon and how did it look on your side of the town ? as per usual, mine got hidden with clouds and fog and still the brilliance of the moon tried to cheer me up…

but today, i loved you. i loved you in a complicated and compromising and confusing way that made me uncomfortable and unapologetic. i loved you and i’m stupid, so stupid, stupid in the way i’d never able to keep my hands off of you given the circumstances, stupid in the way i’d spill the secrets i never knew i had, stupid in the way i’d cry every time i got too close to opening up and letting go, stupid in the way i’m  reckless and bold. but i love you. i am sure of that, no matter how many silences, awkward half-conversations, moments when we spit words like daggers and nights i soak the sheets with hot salt water tears.

i’m careless and consumed, you know.

you need not worry about things unnecessarily, you know, as i haven’t yet decided if i wanted to fuck you. as much as i am consumed by the thoughts of you touching me, i haven’t masturbated to the thoughts of you or touched myself screaming your name… so you see, you can relax and can be yourself.

maybe it’s a feeling. or a four-letter word. this love of mine. i am not sure.

you see, i keep on making up things in the dark so the monsters under my bed won’t devour me. i try to fill the void with the overused memories of you and like everything else, you will fade as well leaving only smeared red lipstick which turns black. i am not planning to dress up as yours.

i just talk to you in my writings. maybe because you’re one of the ghosts i am growing comfortable with. i don’t mind you haunting me if it’s the only way that i can remember that you existed. sometimes, i think i only imagined you in my mind. but then i see you. i’m too old to have imaginary friends but then again i only exist in my imagination.  somewhere, somehow my younger self refused to live in this reality which is unbearable and hellish and i retreated into another world. but you, you’re also some kind of hell.

i trace your shadow in places i haven’t been. i picture you sitting across me at a dinner table; lying next to me and having conversations… i guess you can never unlearn what you never knew. you are a bittersweet mystery that will always cling to my mind and your name will dance on my tongue. my words will always build themselves in a memorial of my love for you.

but if i were being honest here, broken is a word that describes me often. i just like writing you into hundreds of pages because, you and i, we’re more beautiful on paper. there’s magic in being a poison to each other. the happy ending is the space between us. i don’t think i’d get over you.

i just want you to know that i think every single time you read my words and feel you can connect to them in a sort of complicated way, every time you feel a tiny bit inspired by this to shake your own dust and be brave in facing the things you keep tucked in your pockets, each time you have something to say and are unsure of how to say it but will one day. in many ways i am just messy and confused as what i want and who i am but i promise you that sometimes i wake up, days like today, and it scares the hell out of me, makes me want to put all the covers over my head, but it also pushes me and drives me. i’m not one to admit when something is changing me and illuminating the path ahead with a spark and a twist of a fate i never even expected, but this project, this small attempt at filling loneliness up with words and chances to let go and hold on at all once, it is waking me up and letting me know that i can do this, i can do all of this, but i am sure, positive, that i couldn’t do this without you.

so with everything i’ve got and all the things i am still unsure how to give, thank you.

signed solemnly,

me

on the cusp….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/2/2017

i can’t even explain it but like, damn, fall speaks to my soul on such an intimate, deep level. like it places it’s hands on my knees and looks deep into my soul and asks me personal questions… did you see the moon tonight ? it’s not full yet but on the verge of being one…. the feeling that resonates inside me when the weather turns crisp and the earth turns grey is so powerful and positive i can hardly contain it.

this day started awful… my cat boy minnu, is mama’s boy and when he is not out frolicking in the yard (he and his brother sonu jump the fence and go gallivanting), he sticks close to his mama and tries to help me and so if i open the clothes dryer door, he gets in there, and if i open refrigerator door, he jumps in there and one time, i opened the refrigerator door and he jumped in when my back was turned and i haven’t realized that and i coolly shut the door and then i could hear him meowing faintly and i thought he went out and i called and called and when he stopped answering i thought he jumped the fence and gone….after an hour or more, may be, for some reason i had to open the refrigerator and when i saw him, my heart just stopped and he was cold and i quickly tucked him under my shirt so my body can heat him up and my word, i would have died if anything had happened to him. and now i keep checking and double checking the refrigerator esp when i have to go out and i get panicky if i don’t see him before i walk out of the door…

so when i got home last night, he came down the steps to the garage bouncing and immediately jumped into my arms and helped me to put things away and when i opened the boot of my car, he jumped in it and stayed there and i took the shopping upstairs to put away and he followed me like the lamb he is and i completely forgot that i left the boot open and in itself it’s not bad at all, but i have the car lights on auto and so unless all the doors and boot are shut, the lights stay on…. you know where i am going with this right ?

so when i came bouncing down the stairs this morning, got into my lexus boy and inserted the key and turned and nothing !!!

i screamed but it was getting late so i trotted off to the train station, silently promising myself that i will punish minnu when i get home… and i arrived at the station sweating (it was warm today) and i had a thick sweater on and saw the train leaving as i was walking up to the station and i wanted to cry…

it’s getting harder for me to avoid the boy especially when i hear him a foot or two away and all my being keeps still and breathes in his every whisper and word and i almost cried for not seeing him. but i made it another day by the skin of my teeth…

withdrawal sets in when ?

there was a bit of hilarity about the muffin tops… someone at work took off the muffin top to eat and left the stem and brian came to me to report it and i educated him on this particular episode of seinfeld on the same topic… muffin tops and we had a good laugh.

brian wanted to find out why i haven’t shown up for the breakfast stuff this morning and i rolled my eyes….enough said ?!? i’ve stopped going to the social gathering of the office as they are immensely boring and i have nothing in common with anyone and they all talk about some stuff which doesn’t interest me and ugh… it’s a torture honestly as the boy will be there and he never talks to me (because we have nothing in common and i could wear an eagles jersey but i don’t care for eagles and fuck that ! i would never bleach my hair blonde to attract someone or flutter my eyelashes at someone or pretend to be someone i am not… even if he were terry, my blue eyed boy !)

and well… i probably went for one or two events and then i stopped… they recently had a halloween costume thingy and i didn’t go, not because i don’t wanna socialize but more like it’s pagan and i can’t get into that for religious reasons; but now everyone is like why aren’t you there and i am like ummm……..

i left early to come home to get aaa to jumpstart my car and it’s like an hour and a half wait and i changed my clothes for my ballet class and while waiting i danced around a bit….

i sat on the stoop (?) or threshold of my front door with a layer of sweat dancing on my skin and watched the sky turn from blue to a misty grey and orange, a sweet dank smell in the air and bit musty… i love this feeling. overcome with a calmness that starts in my fingertips and settles in my chest…. being thankful

the guy came and jumped my car and like everyone else who met my car(s) fell in love with it and i took his phone no. because he is going to do a bit of work on it and promised me he won’t charge me an arm and a leg and honestly, i would rather give him my car to work on it and then take it for a drive than to someone who don’t appreciate my cars… i mean, i am a classy woman and i own things which have class or i will go without it… never settle for knock-offs…

on my way back from ballet, the moon was bright (almost) it’s not full moon yet but it was beautiful and i was in tears because i miss terry… i’m thinking i need someone so i can fall apart in their arms and a chest to sob into…

for the blue-eyed boy with a backpack, i never once imagined i would accidentally meet you and that i would have something in my life as amazing (goddamn ! i’m hoping you are amazing) as you.

i want you to reveal your secrets. may be i will tap you on the tip of your nose with my fingers and let my warmth fade gently into your skin, mingle with your blood to reveal an inky scrawl of the marauder’s map, telling me exactly where i need to go to figure you out. help me to find you. i see you in the cusp of the trees, in the keys of a piano, in the soft curves of a flower… the strings of the violin, seems to leak your voice in whispers and i see you in the soft curtains in the glow of the morning sun… help me to know you… help me to figure you out and i want you to reveal me your secrets.

for the boy with the backpack, maybe i will keep making the same mistakes again and again; maybe i will keep making a handful of u-turns and maybe that’s just what life is about sometimes; taking chances on strangers and not worrying about getting lost along the way. i’m keeping my heart open.

bises !

ps: goddamn ! i need another boy to write about ! a boy who is single and available and completely compatible with me…

hello november !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/01/2017

first day of november !  philly is currently experiencing my favorite weather, gloomy and cold but not raining.  the sun may even come out tomorrow… for me, this is the best time to be outdoors because the sun isn’t beating down on me and i get to dress cozy in a sweater, leggings, and ankle boots and go crunch, crunch on the leaves… can’t wait !

november is finally here and i’m really looking forward to all the exciting things which may happen…. for starters, there’s this exhibition starting in two days at philly art museum and of course, i will be there to look at those paintings… i’ve other project starting on (tumblr) and unlike here, (i only got three), i would be bombarded by submissions which i need to read and repost…

also november is for being thankful…i am happy to report i have things to be thankful for and will make a list.

nothing to report on the boy front which is noteworthy except, except….. i survived a whole day without seeing my boy and i have listed out excuses to waltz into his office to talk to him and he also gave me a couple of opportunities to go to him but i stuck to my ground and am going to give him up for the month of november to develop a sort of immunity as i’m painfully aware of my destiny. while my love won’t grow any dimmer, i’ve to prepare for the imminent crash of my dreams  when he gets married… you know what i mean ? and i don’t want to revert to self harming as jack will get furious and also it’s hard to explain to my beauticians who work on my body… i can’t keep saying that they are scratches from my cats (poor kitties).

well i’ve written another poem tonight which i will post shortly..

good night my lovelies…

last day of october

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

10/31/2017

autumn moons make me wanna stay at home and take long baths and wear nothing but a bathrobe and stare at the moon drinking coffee and just dream…. tonight, while i was coming home from my doc appointment, i saw the moon still half but glowing with a promise of becoming a full and beautiful one… i love full moons and cold, crisp air, crunchy leaves, wearing hoodies, making sweater traps for my babies (they get stuck in my sweaters because of their claws), disillusionments, warm glow of fire places, hot chocolates and endless coffees, freshly made banana nut bread and cuddles with my kitties and lying on a warm pile of clothes freshly taken out of the dryer.. feel like taking a day off, cleaning the house, refusing to shower, eating junk food (i have none at home currently) and reading poems with no pants on.

i’m not sure how i lose my socks all the time…but i seem to be buying them every other week… so well now i have to wear new socks and for some reason these socks are slipping off into my boots and i’ve to stop and undo the laces of my boots and pull the goddamn socks up and lace up again and my whole story is something as silly and hysterical as that i read on tumblr and i keep giggling to myself – well, what else is new, eh ? “i walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

for the second day in a row, i haven’t been to the gym and i am slightly cringing that i will get slapped on my bum by my ballet teacher and aargh ! yesterday it was doing food shopping for my baby bastet as i ran out of her favorite food and of course when i went to petsmart there was this guy who was buying  $100 worth of wet food for a charity and well i was happy that he is buying food for the animals but it took a long time. from there, i, um… i am not sure what i did because when i got home it was late…..   tonight i have made an appointment to get my eyes checked because i haven’t been to the eye doctor since 2012 and things are getting blurry again and i thought i should. i got all the exams taken care of and my eyes are fine and my vision changed a bit and i am getting new glasses and the lady who was helping me and i laughed and giggled the whole way through but it was another late night.

there is this boy who creeps into our floor and uses one of the conf. rooms which is right in front of me, as his own and at first i thought, he is visiting from some other office and so he was put in there but then i found out that he just was squatting and it honestly is aggravating me… to top it off, now because of him, other colleagues of his started coming up to escape their floor and i chased them off and i haven’t resolved this problem yet but by god, i will. in the meantime, one of my colleagues. pete, went into that room and closed the door to make a phone call and he did that when i wasn’t at my desk and so when i came back, i naturally assumed that it was jake, the squatter and so i called the facilities people on him and well… it was pete ! pete is like i forgive you and i told him the whole story and well, now tommy and pete are teasing me and of course we all burst into giggle fits…i can’t even tell you how i get into such situations….

my boy is very protective of his team and more often than not, i have to explain certain things to him why something is this way or that way and i have to be very careful how i present my points because you see, i can easily get on his nerves and so i try and explain correctly and carefully. i actually like one of his team members. genevieve. i always have trouble pronouncing names because when i see a name, my brain automatically pronounces it in french and well, i have to make a conscious effort to pronounce it in english. i think she is genuine, you know pure in spirit. i think she is from a small town or village and not quite contaminated by big city. and more importantly, i think she figured me out… i put up a very bitchy exterior and hide behind makeup and red lipstick to protect myself and she figured this out. i’m not expecting much from her anyway as humans have this awful habit of hurting me very badly and i survived and i learnt my lessons and i am cautiously friendly. all in all, i like her more than anyone else in the office well, obviously my boy comes first as he has my heart and of course this other director who i really admire and have lots of respect for him and i hold him in high esteem.

today my boy crept in quietly and i didn’t realize he was in the office till he went past my cubicle and i almost jumped off of my skin…. and i was momentously angry at him for not announcing his arrival… how dare he ? but i was giddy with happiness to see him and i also talked to him briefly and i grow very small in his presence and i of course, kick myself for feeling this way…… what am i ? a teenager ?

it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. we will share all of these, aren’t we ? all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & not creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this autumn, this silent preparation for what is to come s & i’m once again giving myself to something that once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

Bises !

 

ps: remember submissions close 12/31 and email your submissions to heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com

 

autumn sunsets

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

10/30/2017

 

 

when i was coming home tonight the autumn sun was setting and as he was saying his passionate farewells, he set fire to the sky and to all the trees, locking them in his fiery embrace which lasted only a few minutes but what an embrace it was !

sometimes the sun sets at such a perfect angle and that the number of degrees between the ocean and the moon is adjacent to the way i feel about you on a particularly emerald nights or are they ruby nights ? the other day someone told me that in order to truly understand the phenomenon known as accidental daydreaming, you must focus all your energy on the gold flecked lights that precariously hang in the gaps between negative space and your imagination…. this morning so early almost on the lip of the morning, i was lying on my bed, thinking of you.. how i wish the evening’s slumber had not stolen me from lovers’ words. and still, i waited patiently tucking thoughts back as if they were strands of hair. i marvel that i should feel such an honest love and so full of layered devotion. would you believe me if i confessed that i speak in sensual language during the hours of my slumber ? i’m always with you – the threads tethering me to you are tightly woven and not time, nor years or distance can pull these apart. and one day soon (i promise), we will hold each other till dawn. my mind is savoring the taste of your fingers touching mine, your tender hold and our first embrace… and here i lie, sighing, and hands clasped and waiting.

it feels dangerous to love someone from afar in the autumn. i have become overly aware of everything around me – the shiver of my body when i step into the crisp air, the tenderness of everyone who feels the slow decay of nature, the fickle attitude of weather patterns and hearts.

you start to notice what isn’t there, too. the warmth of a hand folded into yours, quiet conversations with your breath hanging in the air. lonely gets harder. sometimes it feels easier to push it aside, ignore the absence with excuses and replacements. to forget the important part of you that lingers with someone else, the places where they have filled you with their pieces.

maybe that slippage, the way we hesitate during the elongated pauses, is the problem with distance. i hate to always return to the idea of bravery, of courage, yet maybe that’s the only way to be sustainable these days. may be it’s better to burn out than to fade away.