jace

it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.

5/5/2019

for the loves of my past

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

‘my life is a wonderful one’ i keep mumbling as if to make myself believe.

i always overthink things that shouldn’t be overly thought. time is a selfish bitch and its consistence and constance is driving me to a point of sad sad insomnia. there’s not enough time.

there’s a boy in my bed reading poems out loud to me and my ribcage hurts when i breathe, but i’m happy, you know. there are so many people to say goodbye to and i’m afraid that tomorrow i’ll be too sad to function properly.

is it just positively not a good idea at all to want to say i love you to someone via text when you’re going to see him tomorrow. i came very close though. i think so, i don’t know. what would you do if someone said i love you and goodbye in the same sentence ? because that’s what i wanted to do and it’s complicated. i don’t know, i don’t know. today was a husky and dusky colored day. i feel like my winter has been one drawn out goodbye. everything is so up there, out there, somewhere that isn’t here. but i’m ending things. collecting the remaining pieces of me and putting them in my pockets.

my life is a wonderful one. i just have to smooth over all the edges that i’ve roughed up in the past, errr, two or three months.

this is an accumulation of my mind. i’m not saying anything anymore. there are no words for how i’m supposed to be feeling. i just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore.

a love letter to my boys who don’t exist anymore.

you. i love you.

you may be faded images or i may be driving with my eyes closed. blurred humans or i’m going blind or i may be sleep deprived. i loved you more than i love sweet potatoes. i’ve never said that to anyone since you.

and i’ve fond memories of you; i’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; i warm up to your memories and i remember the bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and swaying to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.

and oh how i loved to dance with you and i loved to move in the rhythm of you.. i’d rather not say hello to you and remember you; but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what i’d rather have forgotten. i can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. i’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; i always lost myself in you and i’d rather lose myself in you and i’m lost in you.

ps: in case you are wondering about my valentines’ day… some unknown sent me flowers and they were waiting for me on my door step. i’m thinking it’s the anonymous guy/girl/it who texts me and yesterday i asked him/her/it for his/her/its name and no reply but i got a valentine text today again… robbie made weekend plans for dinner; sandalwood is in my bed reading me romantic poems in the hopes of getting into my pants and oh he gave me a rose dipped in gold; i’m planning to collect a bouquet; my ballet teacher came back from russia and ordered me to get myself stretched and so this evening, i got stretched thoroughly for 90 mins and i’m exhausted. i’m going to bed !