julien

for the loves of my past

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

‘my life is a wonderful one’ i keep mumbling as if to make myself believe.

i always overthink things that shouldn’t be overly thought. time is a selfish bitch and its consistence and constance is driving me to a point of sad sad insomnia. there’s not enough time.

there’s a boy in my bed reading poems out loud to me and my ribcage hurts when i breathe, but i’m happy, you know. there are so many people to say goodbye to and i’m afraid that tomorrow i’ll be too sad to function properly.

is it just positively not a good idea at all to want to say i love you to someone via text when you’re going to see him tomorrow. i came very close though. i think so, i don’t know. what would you do if someone said i love you and goodbye in the same sentence ? because that’s what i wanted to do and it’s complicated. i don’t know, i don’t know. today was a husky and dusky colored day. i feel like my winter has been one drawn out goodbye. everything is so up there, out there, somewhere that isn’t here. but i’m ending things. collecting the remaining pieces of me and putting them in my pockets.

my life is a wonderful one. i just have to smooth over all the edges that i’ve roughed up in the past, errr, two or three months.

this is an accumulation of my mind. i’m not saying anything anymore. there are no words for how i’m supposed to be feeling. i just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore.

a love letter to my boys who don’t exist anymore.

you. i love you.

you may be faded images or i may be driving with my eyes closed. blurred humans or i’m going blind or i may be sleep deprived. i loved you more than i love sweet potatoes. i’ve never said that to anyone since you.

and i’ve fond memories of you; i’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; i warm up to your memories and i remember the bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and swaying to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.

and oh how i loved to dance with you and i loved to move in the rhythm of you.. i’d rather not say hello to you and remember you; but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what i’d rather have forgotten. i can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. i’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; i always lost myself in you and i’d rather lose myself in you and i’m lost in you.

ps: in case you are wondering about my valentines’ day… some unknown sent me flowers and they were waiting for me on my door step. i’m thinking it’s the anonymous guy/girl/it who texts me and yesterday i asked him/her/it for his/her/its name and no reply but i got a valentine text today again… robbie made weekend plans for dinner; sandalwood is in my bed reading me romantic poems in the hopes of getting into my pants and oh he gave me a rose dipped in gold; i’m planning to collect a bouquet; my ballet teacher came back from russia and ordered me to get myself stretched and so this evening, i got stretched thoroughly for 90 mins and i’m exhausted. i’m going to bed !

classical gas

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/06/2017

my brain was humming this song before i was even up this morning and of course, i couldn’t wait to hear it and as soon as i got a bit of time at work, i played glen campbell’s version and i was so moved and i had tears streaming thru my eyes and i had goosebumps… the music drenched me as tho the notes were raindrops and it was so hard to not move my body (as i’m a dancer) to the rhythm of this song and dance around in the office…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4ga67edrki

i had times when there’s that feeling of loneliness. the tangible loneliness and in a big city.  but the city doesn’t know your name. doesn’t know you. sitting at work, walking down the street, accidentally having conversations with strangers, wanting to cry at the old men begging for money, homeless people sheltering in the trolley stops, wanting to hug the little children who look so malnourished & ignored. but more than that, there is this want. wanting, so badly, to hold someone and let them have enough faith in you that they would just sink in you without even thinking about coming up for air.

as i am listening to this song again, i am thinking about longing… the physical longing of someone to talk to, to get a cup of coffee with and sit and talk about how beautiful love is and how beautiful it is to be living in this time….

hope is beautiful. someone to give me hope is wonderful. terry is beautiful and wonderful. but he is not mine. i keep reminding myself that.

and then suddenly to have it all turn over quietly. being with someone. to watch a play and hear music and watch dancers and to fall in love with a voice, with a song, to realize once more why you are here in the first place; to fall back in love with the faith that you once had, the beautiful and intangible feeling of belonging to someone, the companionship of everyone having had felt this way before me, and knowing that so many will feel the same way after i am long gone, the warmth that i felt. all due so much to terry, who brought me out of my slumber when i needed it more than anything.

i forget sometimes, how good it feels to feel.

walking home in crispy night imagining someone with me, in step with me, i couldn’t stop smiling. i thought of a poem that julien read me so many years ago, how i laughed at the first line, how he told me to stop because it was serious, and i laughed again, this time quietly to myself. and the moment when we went to the market, talking about haricot verts and beets, and kissed in the snack aisle…  i thought of how the simplest moments can become the most beautiful. i smiled, and i smiled, at the couples walking past, the quiet girl in a thick jacket walking alone, she too smiling to herself. we looked up and we both just laughed.

there is a reason why i always hated these months the most. they took julien from me. but now, i have terry and i love him for giving me faith. faith in the city. jace once said because i am so loving, love always finds me and protects me. i love my cats and terry (?) and i love my friends, though very small in number, they were always very faithful and loving to me, even protective. i miss some of my friends. but i miss me when i was with julien the most.

ps: i saw terry today and i even spoke with him… needless to say i’m on cloud infinity… he is gorgeous (for an american) and i should be shot for feeling this way.

pps: i know my secret blog is no longer a secret. i mean, i have an iq of 180+ 🙂 i don’t mind if you read it… 🙂

credit:

Mason Williams – Classical Gas (1968)
Mason Williams
from: “The Mason Williams Phonograph Record”  Produced by Mike Post

““Classical Gas” is an instrumental musical piece composed and performed by Mason Williams with instrumental backing by members of The Wrecking Crew.”-Wikipedia

 

sext

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

this doesn’t belong here and it’s not poetic.. it’s personal and it hurts. i wanted to write you a page out of my life but i get nostalgic around this time and i remembered this from my past and so i want to leave this here before i forget, so it may feed my soul and warm my bones when i’m old.

i love the moments when i lie down in his lap and listen to his ridiculous conversation. once he told me that there is heartbeat in my fingertips as he kissed my fingers. we always seem to have tumbled into a world of half awake and half asleep and i love to just listen to him rambling on and on about things which make no sense, but at the same time make a whole lot of sense.

there is a certain tenderness when he holds me. and i feel anything but beautiful when i am in his arms and i feel as tho my heart is remembering and humming a sweet sweet song…. i am entranced every time as his warm throbbing skin makes way into mine. sex is beautiful with him. he taught me how to get choked. the first time he did it, my throat had a beautiful bruise and my windpipe fucking hurt, but i enjoyed the sex.  and the other day, we made a video of us fucking, and he wore his glasses and at that time i didn’t think of anything, but later i was watching the video we made and man, he looked gorgeous with his glasses on and the whole sex act looked so classy. and i loved the way my breasts swung when i was riding him.

i would have felt that my skin and i were out of sync and that i was living a nightmare. but things have worked out. it worked out for both of us. we became oasis for each other and we rescued each other from a nightmare called life. sometimes you want to run away from yourself and your skin and then you hit a wall and you sort of stumble into someone’s arms and you cry out rescue me, please help me and not let me be hurt and then you realize the other person is also hanging on to you and shouting out the same. and then, sometimes, the sun sets at a perfect angle and lights up the sky the way i light up when i see him. sometimes, all i need is a buttered toast and eggs cooked over-easy and i sit and sigh and sigh and sigh and snuggle into his arms a little bit closer and whisper as if to remind myself that this is home to me. sometimes that’s all you need.

 

novembers are hard