june

june

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

so i am watching my boys les warriors play their 5th game, with their backs firmly against the wall as if they lose this game, they would lose the championship and i’m literally sick to my stomach also because i came down with flu. kevin durant finally made an appearance this night and i’m wishing my boys a victory and i won’t be all that torn up if raptors take this championship as they deserve it and also because they are from my husband’s home town team.

saturday night i went out with this bloke for a star gazing event. during summer months, some parks have star gazing events where you go to a lake after sundown and have a picnic; we have just had such a french evening. it started with an apéro (beer (he drank), pretzel, vegetables), then dinner with wine (all alcohol is him), baguette and cheese (i cheated and ate cheese), more wine, liquor and finally coffee. it was a lot of fun with my friend. en plus, c’était nuit étoilée !! justement parfait 🙂 j’espère qu’on aura encore plus de soirée comme ça ! and as our weather has been a bipolar bitch lately, it was cooler during the night and we stayed out till 1 am and hence i got the flu.

i woke up as usual and fed my kids and took my shower and came out and i felt really woozy and after debating with myself for a moment, i told myself fuck it and stayed home and cancelled my meetings etc.

over the weekend, i watched a couple of movies and one of them was one hundred foot journey because i wanted to feel something, and this got the job done. if you haven’t already, go and see the hundred foot journey, its simply delightful and i guarantee it will make you smile even on a crappy day.

i was laughing so hard as papaji reminded me so much of my mum especially when he was bargaining and this is so typical of indian people and i went through this phase where my mum would embarrass us in the market. but this is just not my mum, every one in india is expected to have a little bargaining skills. mumma would cut the price down to half no matter what the price may be and i would stand there horrified.

also rewatched kon tiki as well because i forgot most of the movie.

i also watched the straw dogs (2011) movie and this actor alexander skarsgard (who was a villain in this movie) reminded me of the american boy but he is much sexier.

along with this i watched a couple of more movies (a german and english) and they all have rape themes and what’s more irritating was the fact the women don’t speak out ! this is mainly perpetuated by women that too smart and educated women, who like to dress up so as to please men and are fucking needy to get noticed by men. what the fuck women ? my boss also mentions this to me and she says her boyfriend thinks she is fat and in my head i would be thinking don’t tell me shit like this because in a minute i will unleash my feminist rant and tell you to ditch any man who is so fucking shallow ! but i learned to shut my mouth because like many other women, she chose to stay in this relationship & i would be wasting my fucking breath by telling her otherwise ! and thank the fuck the men who i attract aren’t shallow and don’t get me wrong, i would like to be skinny healthy but i wouldn’t do it for a man. because any man who does this stunt on me gets my wrath as this fucking annoys me to no end and i will cut any man down to his size if he tries this shit on me because he is a man. i like intelligence and men who are intelligent gets my respect.

speaking of intelligent men, someone printed a meme where warriors logo was a handicapped sign because most of the warrior players are down with injuries and left it for me on my chair. at my work i am the lone wolf marching to her own band as i am an admirer or patriorts and warriors and every one else are for philadelphia teams who are mainly losers. so everytime one of my teams loses a game, i get these little memes printed and left on my chair and i thought its either my friend tom, or another colleague mike or tim as these are the people i regularly square off. but no one owned up and i decided it must be tim just because of the cleverness of it.

tim is also very funny and he cracks me up as he recently started opening up and confession he is my favorite person because he is not only intelligent but so very humble and i simply respect him & he is like a breath of fresh air.

i recently started growing an indoor lake (in a small glass bowl) as i love lakes and i prefer them to beaches and so i decided to own one. once i fully grow one i will post a photo. it is an interesting hobby. and also i will have a little koi pond once i buy a house. speaking of koi, if you haven’t watched the movie “salmon fishing in yemen” you must ! that movie was gloriously funny !

i bid you au revoir as i go and finish watching the game (durant injured, again and out) and hopefully witness my boys victory. i am stuffy nose and sore throat; troll who stay in bed until late in the evening and trying to sleep away the sickness that wreaks havoc in my body. i share tea and not disgusted by the germs i share, already infested. i play on my phone and i read until i fall asleep; the most unattractive kind… tissues in nose, mouth wide open, hair a mess. i wake hungry with no motivation to cook anything so i wait. we wait together.

simpler times

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

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hey, you lovely people of the internet, i thought i’d like to post a lil life update, because i’m just very content these days

firstly a lil shout out to my hair which transforms itself into a 40s or 50s do & no, i didn’t do this on purpose as trying to achieve this do on purpose never works.

due to personal reasons, as in lack of motivation and more interesting distractions, i haven’t been very active lately and all through the month of may i walked around with my edges curled with insurmountable sadness.

apart from that, i’ve been going out a lot lately. i started dating some new people, which is becoming more and more time consuming but i’m also very happy at the moment. lots of dreamy, surreal nights, and tonight, as we had free ice cream for dinner at a new bar in my neighbourhood, it finally started to feel like summer 🌼

i kind of realized that i’m not giving myself a chance at happiness and so new people (age is no more relevant) if they can hold my attention by conversing with me intelligently and if they want to go out for a dinner or coffee, i’m saying yes. but as i’m not seriously looking for a mate, i’m having a ball & have rules for the blokes…ie have to be an active christian and a sabbath keeper. as coelo puts it, i closed some doors not because of pride, incapacity, or arrogance but simply because they lead me nowhere

italian and i raced our cars recently on memorial day weekend and it was super fun ! thinking of finally getting my passport done so i can get away for a weekend or two and also as my dates are offering to fly me out here or there and oh why not as long as i get back before my kids start missing me – but i don’t think i would do any of that fun traveling at least this year tho.

but before any of that, i’m so looking forward to a camping trip in june ! i can’t wait to go back and trek on appalachian mountains ! there’s nothing more dreamy than camping and dancing (it would just be me) and getting wild in the nature together with my church folks.

my boys warriors have over come all kinds of odds and are crowned as the western conference champs and are sitting pretty and though i am pleased that raptors are in finals and tho they have parallels with warriors, i still think my boys will prevail and take the championship with steph curry as mvp… durant is still out. all in all it should be a great basketball event and i still would love it even if warriors lose (think positive thoughts, think positive thoughts).

i recently started reading arundhati roy’s “the god of small things” and gosh this book tho ! i am totally speechless and my eyes are misting with happy memories when i read through the book especially those parts which evoke memories of my childhood (as the book is set in india). but this book itself is sad. as it’s my habit, whenever i love something, i tend to savor it slower than i want to and thus extend my pleasure and so i would read a lot of pages in a bit and then i force myself to not touch the books and then i ruminate on the passages which i just read through. i keep wondering how long did it take her to write this book as each and every sentence is packed with meaning.

i watched a great amazon series “fleabag” – it’s about badass women like me who have gone through a lot and have hard time doing anything other than exactly what they want to do !!

my vegan diet has ups and downs – up as i am making an effort to cook and eat healthy and down because somedays i just don’t have motivation and i find myself eating goddamn french fries. oh i got myself a case of mangoes and the smell of the mangoes !! it’s something else, i keep getting transported back to my childhood days of eating indian mangoes (these are mexican) pregnant with sweet nectar and enchanted smells… the hot summers in india… the dry dusty roads, sleepy afternoons, the sugar cane man who comes in the afternoons, the big ass blue bottle flies attracted to the rotting fruits, and me up a mango tree with a book and a cat ! am i getting old and nostalgic ? perhaps…

so i fitted another puzzle piece to my asthma… i figured my breathing if shallow and off as, a while ago i had panic attacks and dreaded breathing, and this rendered my diaphragm weak and nonfunctional. i started working on my chest and diaphragm during my free times, or whenever i get a chance, i started to work on my breathing and on strengthening my diaphragm.

i guess all that pollen & humidity and so i gave in a took a course of steroids – while i was on steroids, (oral), i’m almost panicky because i know that bloating & weight comes back – and one of those days, here i was having that inner battle with myself when american boy came bouncing to my desk demanding why i scheduled a particular meeting when he will be away in july – i was almost saintly even though i really wanted to slap him back into his place. but i decided i will be an adult & dealt with him while grinding my teeth.

train journey now-a-days is painful as it’s getting hotter and the train cars are fewer and we are all getting packed in like fish in a sardine can. the other day, a man smelling of cigarette smoke came and sat in the seat behind me and i can still smell him. i was still thinking about if i should move and getaway from this ashtray and not give myself a cancer when a woman came and sat next to me (i was on the aisle side and she was in the middle of a three seat) and i swear, she smelled of stale cunt and i was thinking what were you doing before you actually got on the train ? so here i was caught between an ashtray and a day-old cunt and i was completely immobilized with these smells and only saving grace was the guy in my opposite seat with who i was playing tag with our eyes. and a few weeks ago, i was on a late train and this guy comes and sits next to me with really strong perfume & oh lord, i was sick to my stomach and nauseous and for the rest of my train ride, i contemplated whether or not to throw up on him or not.

after memorial day, two days in a row, i got home to tornado warnings & soaked to skin… i was a bit panicky as i have 17 cats and i wasn’t sure how to get them into a closed room – my friend was telling me, get into the bathtub with them, and then he adds, preferably a bathtub without water… le bastard !

lavender skies are spreading about as i settle down to watch the game 2 of the basketball. i’ve been dancing with the shadows and i’ve been wasting my time just to see happiness crawl back into bed. i’ve been there and done that. i’ve tried everything just to understand how i should act when i no longer know myself. i’ve been through so much as of late… i do feel like it’s not possible to love myself sometimes… but when i remember your kindness. it does it get better. i’ll always try to keep my demons at bay. i want to take you with me to all the places i go inside my head, but i bruised my lips saying your name. if hell lives in the gap created when i lost you, and still you are in my dreams, like it’s rea. and i know that moonlight only dances when it’s shining in your eyes, and though i’m only whole when you’re beside me, you still take all the air with you when you leave. like i have loved you a hundred years ago, and i have flashbacks from the love i lost. i know we spend half of our lives searching for a soulmate and heart breaks when we least expect it, but i have been lucky as the right person found me. you’re still someone i write about, but i’m all out of prayers – please fold my hands.

june

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

if a june night could talk,
it would probably boast it invented romance ~ bernard williams

bonjour a tous ! it was not so very pretty day but i got myself a bagel, a coffee and a book. weatherwise, it’s super muggy and a bit warm and on account of me being allergic to everything under the sun and including the sun, i didn’t venture out after this little trip.

i have been quite busy and occupying my time with gardening and cats as to love a cat or a flower is the most delicious form of escapism. the honeysuckles near my bedroom window started blooming and they scent my night air swirling together with gossamers of my dreams of the future and wisps and sighs of my past.

life became a blur and i am reminding myself to be still and not become a blur as well.

excuse me while i frolic in the glow of sheer happiness of my boys les warriors win the nba championship and hear me do a war cry of victory. there was a time, when i was sitting in a japanese/thai restaurant in ardmore with sandalwood on the night of game six of warriors v rockets, refusing to go home as rockets were leading 3-2 and i was so afraid that warriors may be done as they sucked for the last few games. i sat there petrified to eat even but there was a tv in the restaurant and i could clearly see the score and warriors were already lagging and my heart sank further still; but sandalwood is like i guarantee you that warriors are gonna win tonight and you must watch the game and he finally convinced me to leave the restaurant and so we packed our foods which just arrived much to the wonderment of the waitress and we raced home and yes, warriors won that game and they tied the series; and on the final game where there was 50% chance of warriors to win and again i was so terrified but sandalwood was  again supportive and told me that i should watch the game as it’s all about greatness achieved through competition and boy, was i glad to watch them win. and when they were in finals, i had no doubt that they will bulldoze cavaliers and yes and yes, my boys were brilliant and i especially loved the little facial expression of “yes” on durant’s face after he pulled the team into lead in game 3. everyone assumes that i like curry, but i actually like durant more and if i were to choose between curry and durant, i would go with durant as a romantic partner because i love strong, silent types.

in summary i don’t know about warriors but i am emotionally and physically drained but it was a glorious journey to reach the cup.

at the office i have squabbled and debated with my colleagues pete and tom as they were super fans of lebron james and i, just can’t stand him. they have this tendency to like pretty much everyone i despise. and for the record, i have no clue why i detest lebron so vehemently… i stand corrected, i think i know why; it’s because he was given a god status and i think he is so overrated and yea, that ticks me off…

i have started a gardening project after almost killing a variety of plants in the office. i would buy these little potted plants and bring them to office only to find them near dead in a couple of days (not my fault, i hastily add. it’s just that the office environment not conducive to any living organisms) and i would hurriedly bring them back home to nurse them back to health. even my cacti died. so i got a few baby spider plants from someone and now waiting for their roots to flourish so i could pot them. i brought some seeds to office and now my little seedlings are poking their itty bitty heads out of the soil and i am carefully coddling them. i really hope that they would thrive and that i could slowly transform my cubicle into a garden full of greenery and throbbing with life.

people break so easily along with their dreams and hearts. the suicides of kate spade and bourdain was awful news for me to hear. severe depression leads you to a place where pain is just too great to be awake filling you with despondency and paranoia and utter loneliness. truly it’s a hard disease to cope with not only for the person who is going through that but also to the ones in their lives.

i have made no progress what so ever on my grand plans. if i can be real with y’all for a second, the past few months have been a bit difficult of my entire fucking life second only to those right after my husband’s death. i’ve been hit with like twenty different curve balls and all at the same time, and again and again and again. i’ve realized many things like who your friends are and who i can count on, ventured out of my security zone, my family’s and my personal traumas and my oh so many allergies; i have to hold people up even when i was not able to hold myself up; but the good news is i have finally forgiven myself and come to love myself and i have wept over how precious the life is and all those lives were of my loved ones… i have wept at how we all are evolving at such a rapid & terrifying rate.

wept inconsolably when saying goodbyes to the nba games on tv and the goodbyes to my precious warriors. how i said goodbye to my best, best friend who came to visit me and, my face puffy, breaking out in hives, and cried all the way back to my home, in the mist. i have been so lonely countless times, but i have — & this is where it comes — i have never felt so tremendously proud of myself. in my entire life. there has never been a point where i felt like i am capable of anything, & i feel that now. truly, more than anything. my sense of self is so strong, and i know that this may be a momentary feeling, that i may be basking in a new-glow, a feeling of hope & opportunity like you would find in a new language, a new place, a nuevo-scape that one have yet to understand, and master but i am ready to immerse. i am ready to become. i am ready, so ready. i want to engage as intimately and meaningfully in a place, with the people that mean something to me, & i will glow, and the ones i love around me will glow, and we will be so brilliant under every single sky.