life

week 3 – shelter in place

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

we are living in a world of sorrows and a valley of many many tears; tears for us, tears for others; i keep chanting, wake up early; exercise; drink good coffee; stop worrying; less screen time. read books, buy books. have a bowl of honey nut oats !

this week was ok and a bit anxiety stricken when my lungs tightened. here’s a fun fact. i’m never sure if my anxiety makes my lungs tighten giving me asthma or if my asthma, gives way to my anxiety and in a way they both are correct and it is like ouroboros. anyway, one thing i’m sure is when it’s goddamn humid out my lungs tighten and like a cat i always map an escape route, but this covid-19 situation put a spanner in my plans as i would rather not go to a hospital anytime soon, and i’m not sure my panicking brain would like that idea.

i had a mild anxiety attack because i was thinking about the hospitals and emergency rooms and how they must resemble a war zone like this show m.a.s.h which i watched ages ago, and how they must be overflowing with these covid-19 people and when i was young, i also spent a fortnight in an emergency area of a hospital (on account i was involved in an accident when my classmates and i went to north india for an field trip and i was so far away from my family or my hometown; and i get to see all kinds of farm accidents, burnt victims, etc) and i also overthought about how if i can’t subside my asthma i may have to go to the hospital (also because my inhaler is on back order; and also the boy was’t home) – fun times !

it is breaking my heart to read about so many unnecessary deaths and all because humans have this need to eat the flesh of animals ! and to top it off, why the fuck people not care about staying home just a few days to contain this ? on friday evening i was in my back yard with my boy kitties, so they can get fresh air and my neighbors were going on a walk together, together !! as if nothing is the matter and they invited me to go with them ! any other time, it’s fine but now a days a big fucking no ! i don’t want to come in contact with someone who i don’t live with. sorry ! i don’t know about all of you, but i have been doing shopping every two weeks ! i order a lot of things for delivery but majority of stuff i get in every two weeks so as to minimize my coming in contact with anyone (exception to this is i go to get veggies every couple of days but this is very late at night and i get in and out in 15 mins) – the two weeks period is so i can check for any symptoms developing just in case.

everything i buy (delivery & things i pickup) i scrub with paper towels soaked in soapy water. scrub scrub i go, the door handles and refrigerator handles, etc. the same goes to the financial times paper i subscribe. before i go out, i deposit fresh clothes by the door and once i get my stuff inside, i shed my clothes, wash hands, put on fresh clothes and toss the clothes in wash.

i have always been a germophobe and i went through phases where i carried my cell phone in ziplock bags (when i was working with hiv, hbv pathogens) and washed my hands raw with alcohol.

who knew life would be like this just because humans eat animal flesh ! i honestly feel like i am living through the scenes of walking dead (tho no zombies and thank the fuck people didn’t turn into zombies) when i go out late, no one is about except for a few people here and there in my neighborhood. mind you, i’m not complaining.

my pastor and elders check in on their congregation and they have a huge reservation about this boy i’m dating. their reservations are he is young and not a believer. and my reservation is he is not a believer. but whenever i look at him, i feel like peeling the layers of his brain to find out why he likes me as i try and keep people at bay, not giving an ounce of warmth till i actually get close to them and getting anyone close to me takes a few days to a few years ! it’s not like he has an ulterior agenda like he loves me because of money (as he makes more than i make) or because i’d make a trophy wife, though i could have been one but i chose academia over superficiality and to top it off, i’ve been a card carrying feminist since i was 15 and i never aspired to belong to a sorority. a slight tangent, what’s wrong with this country ? why do they strive so much to attract men and become fucking cheerleaders ? i heard that marilyn monroe had an iq of 145 or something but excuse me, any woman who has that high of an iq would never bleach her hair blonde, or bat her eye lashes to woo men and talk with barbie like voice and become a doormat for men who just want to use her. (the boy who is reading next to me is cheering me on and is telling me that he will bleach his hair blond for me and will bat his lashes; and i told him that he can suck my proverbial dick) i have been blessed in that i attract real good blokes who love my mind more than my looks and i can’t be thankful enough. this boy is loving and kind and witty;  one time someone asked me why i always keep my hair up (i don’t like to keep it down as i’ve awful lot of hair and i don’t like to brush and so after i wash my hair i wear it up) and the boy went, winking at her, “her hair comes down during the right times” and we all giggled like school girls ! but i still would like him to be a believer, keeping the sabbath, returning the tithes to god (and a vegetarian).

i have been aggressively buying stocks (i bought a bunch of tech stocks this week) with every penny i am saving and i decided i will continue to invest till end of july and in a couple of years i will be able to reap the cash.

we caved and ordered “contactless delivery” pizzas and gosh what a world we live in. i have reverted to the eating habits of my childhood; eat a complete meal including dessert, and coffee around 9 pm. also watched “nightflyers” on netflix and it was silly but interesting. as i haven’t born or raised in this country, i decided i will watch some old shows and started watching “green acres” (which is oodles of fun), and “alf” and lord, alf is really repetitive and not at all my cup of tea.

and oh, this week’s highlights include me cutting my own hair and trying to coax the boy to wax my lady bits as all this hair is annoying the hell out of me; so far he is not willing as he thinks he will hurt me. stay tuned !

there are beautiful things in the world worth fighting for. this long night we’ve come into, holds both nightmares and dreams; mark this passing as solemn time, to be energized, to adjust ourselves to what we should let go and what we should hold onto; all through this turmoil, let’s hope love will rise; bursting through these weeping tears, hope to shouts of transformation; hope our world will be a different place. a new season is dawning quickly for those who follow the pace and even though we can’t see the beauty of this seed, lo, it holds a brand-new way of life.

delicate

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what’s with the boys i date (or marry) and kayaks ? the boy declared that he would like us to go kayaking, as soon as the weather permits and i’m like you are insane because i’m pretty much convinced that i would drown in my own bath-tub… i hate any activities on water, like tubing (which i did and felt that i may drown), boating (which i did and felt that i may drown), almost surfing (and pretty much drowned) ! one of the guys i date a while back (before i was married), wanted us to go to belize on his boat or a yacht or whatever the goddamn thing americans buy and so no my dear boy, we ain’t doing that or to be precise, i’m not doing any kayaking but you may !

also we are thinking we will go salsa dancing (i do dance salsa, the boy doesn’t as he is a neanderthal) and take a language class possibly german or japanese. when i realized that i might take any class with the boy, something awakened in me…. like in a kinky sort of way….. like it makes me wet just to think that !

i forgot to mention but i did go to a therapist. i sat at the edge of my chair, didn’t even remove my jacket,all my stuff on my lap. as soon as the introductions were done, i told him that i may not talk or worse, i may run away as that’s the best thing i always good at. he said not to worry but to just chat. he was picked by my doctor but if i decide to continue i may find someone nearer to my home.

healthwise, i have gone back to the gym #hallelujah, #praise the lord and hopefully i will stay but i may quit the gym at my work and continue the one near my house. and oh, remember my cholesterol being almost 220 !?! my doctor repeated the test because she wasn’t certain and it’s normal levels now and everything is peachykeen but she wants to repeat it again in about three months which is fine by me. come next week, i am thinking of moving my money into government bonds as the market is quite uncertain due to corona. speaking of corona as my boss & others travel a lot, i may opt for flexible work place option and work from home as i have no interest in contracting flu or corona as people in general are very unhygienic and no consideration for other people. and one of the other reasons why i was driving in every day was because of other passengers in public transportation.

february is coming to a close and la de fucking da ! i could have done without the goddamn heartache. and wow my emotions really are hot garbage this week huh. i cried a river, build a bridge and got over it. i bit off a piece of golden thread and wove the strand through the pieces of my heart with a needle – to hold myself together. then i listened to sad and angry and beautiful music and i wrote about everything that makes the world stop and also what makes it spin again. i went and had a coffee with the boy and we hiked and biked to a forest, took a nap for an hour, fucked hard on the still cold ground, and got dirty from lying on the ground but didn’t care about it. i know that that the fractures seal and they may leave a scar but like a broken leg, i have learnt to dance with a limp before and sense the rain is coming by the ache. i honestly think, it wasn’t that bad of a heartbreak anyway because in my heart of hearts i knew he wasn’t for me but sometimes i am dumb, what can i say ? my friends think that i should raise a flag of my hideous act of dumbness ! but great things came out of this as the boy promised he will go to church with me this sabbath and i’m like achievement unlocked ! now if i get him to return tithes and to have him go to church with me every week, half the war is won (also may be have him become a vegetarian) ! but baby steps !

our story starts small. starts with bread crumbs and becomes constellations. our hands a postage stamp to explore each other. our hearts tethered by a thread. at night we have lain awake, naked for a story that started mid sentence. untraveled roads and unraveled dreams. someone else’s language on my tongue with an aftertaste of other people’s name. like i am supposed to be somewhere else. like you carried me elsewhere. this is all just sweet happenstance. we can call it hope. we can color it lemon yellow and bright blue like a prism of our seeing and meeting.

i hope this won’t be necessary but let it be known that this too will pass. pain is temporary and so are the situations.

one day i’ll be having my christmas dinner with the family i chose, maybe i’ll have gone to another, colder country to make it really feel like christmas, and i’ll watch the grinch, and i’ll never remember the past and all i have to do is wait for the storm to pass.

there’s nothing i can’t endure. i’ll just start making a plan and slowly organize my next life.

fate

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i have become bold in recent days, stripping each layer of myself, becoming hopelessly vulnerable again.i thought  i dreamt that i had something to say but i didn’t wake up in time to tell you. i have been a shadow and a hostage in your hands. i squeeze my fists together, the redness turning white, bare bone begging to be covered by your fluttering lips. but you won’t know me and you won’t come back. in this universe, i’m quite wide awake under the orange sky, my heart butterfly opened by a car crash dream. in another universe, i’m small and happy on a passenger seat, with you driving. like i imagined countless times. look, there is another broken dream lodged in my teeth. it’s almost tomorrow somewhere, but here now, today, feels like a tomorrow. i already had another life and in spite of doing my best to take a train departing to the opposite direction, here i’m at the same train station, holding onto the ticket for happiness and a clenched jaw. i thought i was getting better facing my darkness.  because whatever happens later, i’ll never escape what i’m. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all i’m…

i don’t know how to say that i’m happy for you with a smile on my face. how do you look someone in the eye that you love and tell them that you’re happy they found someone else ? i do so and i can feel my heart exploding inside my chest. but i’m happy for you, i truly am. i’m happy you’re happy, i just will always wish it was with me.

i wish you knew i will miss you in the loving ways and at least i didn’t lose you to death this time !

adieu american boy !

et bonne année 2020

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

wow it has been a few weeks since i last posted ? well happy new year, and here’s a dollop of me and what i’m up to now a days. were i a seashell and were you to come along, pick me up, and put me to your ear, this is what you’d hear today.

i feel winter warm and blanket soft and it snowed today… we had some splendid, respectable snow and while listening to bach i’m puttering around the house thinking february is around the corner rushing in smelling of snow and wood smoke. where did january go ? oh by the way, by the time i put some warm clothes on and strolled downstairs to shovel, scott, my neighbor already took care of it which is really such a nice thing to do and so i went and threw salt (pet-safe) on our walkways as that’s the least thing i could do. i probably will get him a thank you cake tomorrow.  it was really nice day to lounge about in underwear and drink cocoa.

my christmas vacation was fantastic on account that it was respectably cold for december with no snow and a few clear nights so i went (with the boy) star gazing and dwelling on the nature of planets and stars and searched the skies for ufos / aliens. new year came in swiftly and casually and with right notes, and with american boy smelling like orange blossoms but it quickly hit sour notes (what the fuck life ?) with patriots out of american football play-offs.

i’m mostly happy and anxious free but my anxiety hits high notes when my kids get sick. it makes me sick to my stomach when i think they are suffering. as they are growing old their wittle bodies are slowing down.

all i do now a days is eat healthy, not go to gym (shame on me) and read books (after waiting months i finally got to borrow eleanor oliphant is completely fine) or watch news / bbc sit-coms. can’t ask more from my life, as my asthma is under control, thanks to my decision to blow money on parking and drive to work every day and so no prednisone and no albuterol and so your truly is feeling fantastic and super horny. can you believe that i, who yelled at the boy for pouncing on me every time he sees me (and ripping off a number of new panties), have the unmitigated gall to l say a sad “please sir can i have some more ?” which gave him a temporary upper hand which lasted only till i orgasmed for the nth time of the night… you either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become a pathetic loser.

work life is fine as i have decided as long as i get paid the right kind of salary i don’t need to grow because i started investing and so god willing, i will retire in a few years (five plus or minus). so recently we acquired a new colleague mike, and i have to mention him. i think i already mentioned him once before. he is such a sweet heart and kind and i have awful suspicion that he may have a huge crush on me or he may just be being friendly but my women’s intuition is telling me that he “like” likes me. and honestly i love that attention but i refrain to flirt back as he is not yet thirty and i don’t date anyone under thirty. but i am keeping him as a back up plan as this boy would make an excellent husband and did i mention that he is kind ? and i figured i don’t have to train him much to make me a good husband. but alas, he is young and he probably should have a whole family like children and cats. in the mean time while i am amused, i am also curious to know what he really is thinking and i will keep you posted if i find out.

you know, i’ve really gotten to a point in my life where i have a healthy fear of bach and that’s what we call growth. i recently heard this concerto playing on radio (thank you gregg whiteside of wrti) and oh ma lord, i had to pull over and listen to it while crying. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2rkucnttars.

so this is one of the coolest things i’ve heard in a long time… bach’s mysterious and almost jazzy concertos and may i also add, orgasmic music.

the fact is at this time of my life i’m finally willing to admit that without bach life would be a mistake. i can’t believe bach wrote an entire cantata  (20+ minutes) about coffee because honestly, same.  and the other funny things he did : picked a fight with a bassoonist calling him a “nanny-goat bassoonist”; threw his wig at a musician who played a wrong note; the second movement of brandenburg concerto no. 3, which is just two half-note chords.

and the coffee cantanta is such a funny story – when i first heard this cantanta, i went and looked up the libretto for the story. bach did this c. 1735. through trade and changing economic situations, coffee became popular in europe during the 18th century, and coffee houses opened up where people would sit and relax with a cup of coffee while listening to some kind of entertainment. thanks to this newfound caffeine rush, i’d argue, the enlightenment philosophic movement took off [for better or worse]. however, not everyone was in on the coffee craze. it seems that in germany, for example, some people may have been worried that coffee drinking was a bad habit. and j.s. bach, notable for writing deeply profound religious cantatas, decided to write a short comedy, and most likely this was meant to be played at a coffee house. the “coffee cantata” opens up with a narrator telling the audience to quiet down and get ready for the story, already establishing the lighthearted mood. it starts off with a man named schlendrian [literally “stick-in-the-mud”] who is annoyed that his daughter, lieschen, is addicted to coffee and refuses to stop drinking it no matter how much he insists she should. lieschen even sings a love aria…to coffee itself. schledrian threatens to get rid of his daughter’s things, like clothes and food, unless she stops drinking coffee. she ignores him. pondering on what he could do to convince her, schledrian decides that he will forbid her to marry unless she drops her coffee habit. she gives in. but when schledrian finds suitors for her to judge, she secretly tells them that she will only marry if her future husband lets her have all the coffee she wants. it ends with a “moral”: drinking coffee is natural. and, that’s it. it’s charming and silly, and it’s a good example to fight off the people who think bach is too cold and stoic and serious. and it is as relatable now as it was back in the baroque era. today, the world runs on coffee, and caffeine addictions are pretty common, and probably the least harmful addiction out there. the love aria to coffee is so relatable, “ah ! how sweet coffee tastes ! lovelier than a thousand kisses, smoother than muscatel wine. coffee, i must have coffee, and if anyone wants to give me a treat, ah !, just give me some coffee !” and my favorite line comes from lieschen who laments “if i couldn’t, three times a day, be allowed to drink my little cup of coffee, in my anguish i will turn into a shriveled-up roast goat”, because honestly y’all, same.

i love how some composers were able to take an instrument to a whole other level through their works, making it sound like it never had before, in a completely new light. like i always adored mozart and bethoven and to an extent chopin. chopin’s nocturnes and bach’s art of the fugue are the two examples that come to my mind when i think about how these composers had such a brilliant understanding of the instruments they wrote these pieces for that they literally composed in a way that exploited the potential of the piano & the organ to an extent nobody ever has.

so my darlings, here’s to brand new experiences and new memories. i’m hoping to enjoy life deeply, explore my surroundings and hopefully have another ufo experience like the one i had a few years ago. also friendly reminder that saying yes to new experiences and opportunities even if you’re a little afraid of them is super brave and great !!! but also remember that you have a right to say no and that you do not owe anybody (even yourself) an explanation. we can’t take care of other things if we are not taking care of ourselves first. ciao mes petites !

drizzly friday

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this is how we roll !

it’s foggy, cold, and drizzly outside…that drizzly kind of rain that clings to everything and covers the world with dewdrop diamonds…. the perfect friday for staying under sheets, cuddles with kitties, and immersive reads… hope it clears out by tonight as we are going to have meteor showers and i’m ready with my blanket to watch them whiz by…

2019-11-22

reminders

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so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.

cats, caffeine, & sweatpants

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it’s been a while since i updated and tonight is truly a perfect night. it’s been raining all through the day and i stayed home today as humidity & my lungs are not friends and yesterday when my chest tightened, i knew i probably should stay home, sure enough this morning when i woke up, i started wheezing. so i stayed and watched rain pour down. i kept my window slightly open, letting the sounds of pittering rain, rumbling thunder, and the occasional rush of tires on the wet street into my room to tickle my ears. i wish i had a window seat with lots of pillows that i could sit on and drink tea and read books and watch the rain, but lounging in sweatpants, surrounded by cats and drinking coffee is also wonderful. most of the evening i was sitting hunched over an open notebook, scrawling furiously (messily), losing my mind to research, and surrounded by my kids sleeping around me, my eyes getting distracted, bouncing back and forth between the small, luminous reading light and the ever-so-frequent flash of lightning. eerie music that is somehow soothing plays as background sensory intake. a dark, lonesome, fulfilling night. life is cool sometimes.

oh my lil peanut is at a wild life sanctuary as i soon realized if i were to keep her alive i have to feed her like every hour on the hour as she eats like a bird (#sidelook) and as much as i would like to keep her, it’s a fulltime job. on the top of it, couple of my boy cats started showing symptoms of urinary tract infection, which is quite dangerous for boy cats as their urethra is so narrow, & they could get blocked just like that and so i really needed to pay attention. so i drove her down to the wild life center and gave her up and luckily for her they also have other fledglings as a family so, i’m sure she is in good hands.

the first or second week of june i came down with flu which was not fun at all as i had respiratory distress and grumblingly i took another course of prednisone which makes me ravenous and pads on more fat. it’s kind of losing battle at this point i think, and i should just give up and eat all the goddamn pastries and become 400 pounds and die…. but then again, if i die, who would care for my kids ? it’s a catch-22 situation.

anyway, so there i was, full of flu and prednisone, feeling sorry for myself, when i was invited to speak on alzheimer’s to a bunch of young adults and it was like a life line. i felt so goddamn good as there is nothing in the entire world which makes me happy as when someone recognizes my intelligence !

so as the day is fast approaching, (july 16) i am working on my talk. before my life took a plunge into the abyss, i was enrolled in doctoral program working on alzheimer’s and if things worked out the way i planned, i would have finished my phd and either would have been working for academia or would have worked on starting my own company with the help of some investors.

anyway, i am super excited to use my brains for this talk and am grateful for this opportunity, a few changes are about to come in to my life, but this is cool.

to add to the list of men i am dating, now am dating a frenchie (from vienna) as well and not a true frenchie but oh well… close enough ! so my social life is quite full but my sex life is at a halt which is really sad as i really need to get fucked thoroughly ! my boy sandalwood (we are now at an impasse for reasons) is ready to “sacrifice his morals” (his words) and is willing to service me sexually. i may take up on his offer, but i’m currently distracted with other things and i’m not yet quite desperate for a fuck.

what a change a year makes ! last year at this time, i was in a different house which was not well regulated weatherwise and when weather is the way it is right now, like super humid, we felt it as the house was drafty and it didn’t make any difference even when the air conditioner was running. i am thankful to god for his blessings and giving us this.  my cats assumed the breadbox position (it’s a bit chilly) as the thermostat stays at 65 because of humidity.

over the july fourth weekend (also known as independence day) i partied hard and why not ? been to a friend’s wedding and hiked (panting heavily because of humidity and taking multiple doses of albuterol) – frenchie and i went to lake and paddled about a bit, and sun bathed topless and my boobs are now sunburnt; while we were having lunch, he was like, may be next time, we should fish. and i went, have you met me ? and oh i had to add eggs into my diet as on july 2nd i almost fainted and stayed dizzy for most of the day which i associated with not getting enough iron, hence no oxygen (i’m already asthmatic & anemic). i probably have to get some iron supplements but eggs are handy for now.

the coop girls and i have a special bond. and i was chatting with the indian one and as i mentioned before, i have a special bond with that girl because we think alike and i feel like she is my daughter. she was adopted. when you are growing up in india, there are things which we as girls do and even though i was never keen on makeup & clothes in fashion sense, but peer pressure has some say in my life, like i was pushed into beauty contests (i went to all girls school) even though i didn’t sign up for them and winning and teasing boys of some company from my classroom window (not very proud of these things) and etc. but i religiously did somethings like self care with indian traditional beauty regimen and natural ingredients. i stopped doing that after my husband’s passing. so she was asking about something and i stated teaching her various face masks and about skin care and i am so happy to pass my knowledge to her (as i would to my daughter) and i told her she needs to do a beauty regimen starting now if she wants to look like she is in her twenties even when she was 5000 years old and also to never ever get into sun. ever ! lol talking to her about all these things is actually giving me motivation to shed my blues and start to take care of myself.

i find the quickest way to happiness is self-acceptance, self-reflection and self-care because the second you become honest with yourself about yourself, you’re open to change and the ability to adapt, in my opinion, is the best way to have this consistent source of happiness enter my life

yes, i still have problems with maintaining happiness, and there are days (even now) i just want to end it or get back to self harming. but i am aware that happiness is still there blinking away like a spark. maintaining hope if the key and once you become hopeless, we are done. being hopeful keeps us going, and if you want to see things through, if you really want to see a smile on your face, keep going

love, the kind you don’t have left for myself, because i have spent so many years giving it all away; have you ever played any zelda type games? you have to use your sword to break vases or to cut the grass for hearts to restore your health. good health requires work. if you really want to improve, you need patience. everything takes time and this is the mantra we should remember,

i don’t care if we have to wake up every single day for the rest of our lives and just stare into the mirror and sigh a small i love you, it’ll work. it’s better than making ourselves feel miserable for something that we did three years ago. we are the same anymore. i’ve changed, you’ve changed. i’ve grown from whatever it was that held me back for so long.  keep telling myself, don’t give your past another inch of your future. control that shit. happiness awaits.

me to you

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

april 30, 2019 – i would like to dedicate this post to american boy as he made me happy. i’ve not been this happy in a while and i feel invincible and life is good. how did he make me happy, you ask ? he actually made an effort to talk to me or vice versa. i had(have) this problem aka a transference of my feelings on to his act of talking to me and i would get super happy by living a lie that he is talking to me because he is totally in love with me. so now a days, it’s like a conscious act on my part to separate the layer of my idiot heart’s lies it tells itself with the facts that he is just talking like he would with anyone else; also when i want to talk to him he makes me breathless and speechless as my heart races at 1000 mph & i find that my mouth is full of bees and so when i talk to him, he can’t understand what i’m saying. oh i can talk to him when i have to talk about our company affairs and i usually have this razor’s edge while talking to him, and i also am glad that he has divine patience when dealing with me; so now that i’m kind of thinking that i’m not being fair to him because of my weakness for him, i’m ungluing my lips and talking to him and it is interesting to talk to him. i feel like i’m exploring him and his interests. so we had a couple of days of nice little chats even if they were about goddamn sports because i think it’s a safe subject. but i loved it all the same. so thank you !

while traveling to work yesterday morning, i was thinking about surrealism and rené magritte and his famous “ceci n’est pas une pipe”. and during the course of the day, i bumped into american boy, while loudly talking to myself that i would like a banana, as i just worked out in the gym and he was at that time, helping himself to another piece of cake (someone is getting married) and so he went “this is not a banana”… i thought this sounds much better “ceci n’est pas une banane”

speaking of the little party for that girl, i was sitting with my colleagues one of our coworkers was telling us that his friend is getting married and one of the wedding registry item was a chain-saw and then he went, he doesn’t even have any trees. my brain concocted so many horror stories. but hear this, when i get married again, that would be my number one request. also, american boy came and sat by me, *curiouser and curiouser* which is strange as he usually avoids me by a mile. and then he seemed to want to jump in a conversation about basket ball i am having with my friend tom, but for some reason didn’t. dear boy, i don’t bite… well, not much ! but that was yesterday, and today he made my fucking day !

goddamn it ! can i be more giddy with love ? words that whisper of hopes and wants, of caresses unvoiced but entirely bestowed, of so much love that the whole world can’t hold so it lives in dreams here, in the silent whispers of my heart that only your soul hears as a song. i would love to come into your world like the soft evening breeze, like the mist from the hilltop, like the late summer sun. i would sit and watch you for hours, love your quick movements, the curve of your lips in an absent smile, the frown on your forehead as you remembered. i would sit and watch and wait until you noticed me, till the moment that your smile lit up my entire world, till you saw and gave in and wanted me. i would stay with you forever, till your eyes were cloudy pale blue, your hair spun snow and your smile slow and loving as i held your hand. i would stay till you were a memory on the mantelpiece, a picture on the wall, your voice a whisper on the evening wind.

on friday (april 26), the train i was on lost power because of some storms… apparently our train just left that spot where the wires came down and it was such a blessing as we could have got tangled up in live wires. but god is good and we were safe. as the train lost power, we had to stay on the train and i wanted to get out of the train and get a taxi but they won’t let me go. so after 3 hours on the train, we finally got evacuated and i got home around 10 pm. situations like this make me panic as i fear that i won’t see my kids again. i was talking to a colleague of mine, who also takes the same train, if he was on that train that day. and he told me that he took an earlier one and so he missed this whole episode and he was telling me a year or two ago, similar thing happened and one lady called 911 because she wanted to go to bathroom… and i was thinking, how is that gonna help, are they going to bring porter potties or something like that ? but apparently she got fined for calling 911 unnecessarily…

also today, i received beautiful flowers from my boss not sure why, may be admin day or something, but i am immensely grateful to receive them… she is a sweet-heart in my opinion, a bit unsure about herself as a person and she tends to be hard on herself. she does these little little things for me and i’m thankful for them.

oh btw, the italian and i had a great night out on saturday night, and i kept waiting for my heart to say something, anything, like i like him. i do like him, but as a friend. i have absolutely no tingling anywhere in my body.

speaking of which, i am currently reading “the color purple” by alice walker. it’s a horrible story of a young girl and it’s truly transformative literature ! it’s such an emotional but also hopeful novel about recovering from trauma, loving yourself, loving others, finding yourself, finding family, and spirituality without being super preachy. celie, the protagonist, is a lesbian with a girlfriend and i find her first time looking at her “button” (clitoris) (in a mirror obviously) super hilarious. i kept giggling like a little girl when i was reading through the lines about masturbation and her lesbian desires.

at our work gym, where somedays i work out with my boy (in my mind we are together, ok), i now acquired another admirer who is like a baby… he keeps stealing looks at me and ok, i’m not sure if he has puppy crush on me or because of the way i move on the treadmill (i’ve some unique moves on treadmill i sort of do dance steps instead of boring walk or run). and i keep thinking, dear boy, i could be your mother ! the rate at which i attract younger men is inversely proportional to my age, where the older i get, the men i attract are younger. at this rate, by the time i’m 70, i should be dating a 18 years old or younger. also, recently i was talking to a girl at my work about this decent looking qb patriots have acquired and she went, he probably is in his twenties and i’m like, why do i care ? where is the rule which specifies that only men can date young girls and women can’t date younger men ? like please ! i’ve dated younger men but usually find them boring as they don’t have much maturity and now a days, the young people are totally boring who discuss mind numbing subjects which have no substance.

we all are fucked up, just in different places but we point out to others, for their cracked parts. because we forget, that someone else is full fleshed in parts we are starved and bruised.

during certain moments i feel as though i’m trying to make it to the other side. almost like the bridge between what i lived through and where i truly wish to be was washed away by some unforgiving tsunami, and this fierce storm keeps me from repairing the bridge so that i can make it safely back to where i used to reside. so that i can make it back to me and a place where i can finally take a deep breath and feel peace instead of panic, as i continue to do battle with this unpredictable sea of emotions while attempting with everything that i have to avoid anymore fallout.

the phoenix

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…

red lipstick

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

february is melting away in tiny drops and making way into march… but i think nature has come unglued and became bipolar (and yes, pun intended). after living a long time with garages for cars, i got smart and now a days i figured out how to work around with cars in non-garages and in ice / snow / sleet. now a days, as soon as i take a shower and get dressed, i run out and start my car, irrelevant what the weather is like… it’s simpler that way as some days, i would walk out to find my car completely iced up and i have wait for the ice to thaw and then i almost miss my train. and i realized that when the weather man says it’s 30 degrees, i should subtract at least 10 degrees to figure out my current temps.

ah life in the burbs, yo ! i found out that unless a miracle happens, i may not be able to buy a house around here as none of the houses (and i looked up to 500k) are worth my money. they are huge houses but no personality in them. and i want to slap whoever wanted that kind of money for those houses as i would have to completely remodel the house… so here is my new plan and i think i already found a couple of houses which caught my eye and they are kind of nearer to my old neighborhood, with huge yards (important for my cats to roam around and for me to plant a huge garden) and one house i’m almost in love with has french doors and windows even though that’s not a must as i will quickly replace them as soon as i can. i wish i could find a french colonial with juliet balcony but alas i’m not in france and i also wish when i open my french windows i will see eiffel tower…  it’s fun as i’m already shopping for floor mirrors and decadent curtains either from morocco or egypt…

i think there is nothing sexier than a man reading a book ! and a very rare sight indeed, but they do exist. in my commute i find a few men, reading away and i am pleased. i also look at the images of men (usually shirtless) with kittens and puppies and for whatever reason it’s adorable.

i’ve really really come strides and lengths with food in ways i wouldn’t have imagined at all and i’m really proud of myself for that instead of feeling unsatisfied. past saturday sandalwood and i have gone mountain biking; him on proper bike and me on a bike not meant for mountains and it was rough for me; i half biked and then decided i will just take my bike for a walk; my lungs ached so much and i almost passed out for a couple of times and that made me fucking mad and i was angry at my debilitating asthma and at my lungs for succumbing to it… i mean, here they are, have a cozy job like being the lungs of a very intelligent person and then they get asthma.. that made me a vegan on the spot (with one exception, that i will have cream with my coffee and i already drink almond milk and have ice cream made with coconut milk) ! i mean, i was already working at it but i just went shopping like on thursday and bought brie, finishing butter, eggs, and yogurts, and i don’t like to throw food away and i thought i will be vegan after i finish them but after that biking episode, i decided to fuck all the dairy food and i will of course rehome the brie and butter… a week or so ago i made a big pot of cabbage with veggie sausages and so on saturday while coming home, we dropped into a store so i can buy more sausages for the dinner, and i was going round and round in circles to find the sausages and i can’t find them… after making two laps round the store with me, sandalwood gave up and parked himself near a cashier and every time i went past him, he is like “you look like an adorable half-witch” on account my hair is unmanageable at any time of the day but after that hiking, the hair was kind of damp with all the sweat… i finally found a store guy who took me to the meat section to show me the beyond the meat burgers and i was thinking what self-respecting vegetarian or vegan would go look for these in the meat section but i think it’s more for the carnivores than for vegetarians or vegans… this was my first experience with this beyond the meat burgers and sausages and having prepared and ate them, i can testify that they are awesome… and more over they are not soy products so double plus from me. and i also finally found the field roast brand sausages which i was actually looking for.

i have also started researching on asthma and types of asthma and goddamn either asthma goes, or i die trying to rid it… i incorporated some vitamins and not sure if it’s a placebo effect but i feel better ? ! ?

personal training is well under the way where i am huffing and puffing away to glory and trying to build up stamina and i bought a pull up bar for home to work on my flexibility… may be i should buy a pole ?

also on sunday, i spent a whole day getting pampered and after $500 i got massaged, bleached, waxed, scrubbed and polished and i probably squeak as my aesthetician removed an entire layer of epidermis…

an update on barbara and she was supposed to come out to my house this sunday but her husband and soon to be ex, came to chat with her. and after her chat, she called me telling me that he actually expected her to have sex with him (he takes sildanafil citrate to get aroused) and she is like i’m so disgusted and i’m seriously thinking of becoming a lesbian. and i was like ‘well don’t look at me as i like sex a lot and i especially enjoy sex with a penis’ – fun fact sildenafil is prescribed to cats and dogs to decrease the hypertension (like heart & lung probs) and one time, one of my kids was prescribed this !

there is a coop girl in my company, and i feel blessed because of her. i always felt awful for not having children because after losing my son, i became panicky at the thought of having children but i always wanted to adopt a child and i still may. but this girl gave me that satisfaction of being a mum because she also is very taken in by me as we started having these chats and our conversations just flow and we are like minded and after hesitating a lot, i finally confessed to her that if i ever had a daughter, i would want her to be like this girl. she feels closer to me as well, and i can see that we would be keeping in touch a long time after she leaves our company. so i have to say that i no longer feel that void of not having a child and i feel fulfilled. i still want to adopt as there are many many orphaned children.

i put american boy aside for now (not yet scratched him off of my list) as he started behaving bizarre and he is ambiguous and hell no, i won’t have any sort of headachy relationships or have dramas… i had enough of that in my life and i was thinking, dude no one is forcing you and if he is thinking that i will chase him down, that ain’t happening in this life time – and i set the rules. i want him with all my heart, but he has to come with no baggage, no drama and take life at the face value and live in the moment… and if he chooses not to, adieu et bon chance ! and i will write a little poem or story in your honor… once upon a time two minds collided into a thousand words, which soon bloomed into a tragedy – that is, if one could even call it that and despite the tradition, it was not death that separated them but it’s life and so on so forth. i always have other options to explore and i am not even trying.

also i recently got a job offer where they offered a more than what i’m getting paid currently (base salary of $120k+ and bonuses) and i’m almost tempted but i have to buy a house first and so i dropped a line to the hr person to find out if and when i would be getting that kind of salary because well, if i don’t get a counter offer, i will be gone in a year. my current salary is good for the time being, but i like money and am willing to work for it and also i have no intention of working for a salary for the rest of my life and on top of it i have very expensive tastes and i have cats and also i want some money to play the stock market and invest in real estate.

and thus, i have set my priorities before me and i am working on bringing sexy back and i was a ballet dancer and i know how to workout till i’m raw and cut back on calories…been feeling good, been doing that whole “positive feedback loop” thing, and it’s been working a whole lot. everything changes when u see it for yourself. breathe in and breathe out while living life way down deep… loving without strings and making pinky promises meant to keep… genuine gestures extended as i try my best to be me and oh, may be sometimes i get stuck in the past but my wings are spread and i am getting ready to fly, wearing red lipstick and a hopeful heart.