life

love apparently

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’m here and here are somethings i want you to know, all you lovely people of the internet…. i’m fully exhausted with my scheduled feedings of horus and every day is another misery and i’m wondering how long would it take to finally break me with this sleeplessness…. but seeing my kid come to my bed when i stir in the wee morning and then purr happily with the anticipation of nourishment, is a magnificent sight and he comes meowing and cooing and rubs his head against my face and i’m happy. he is still showing no interest in eating on his own except couple of times when he licked a bit of some chicken flavored food. i so need to get a variety of foods to see which one he would like to eat, but i’m exhausted. i think it’s partly because my lungs are not working as well as they should in spite of inhaler and i can’t wait for the weather to turn a bit warm and bring me fresh set of allergies..

so robbie (the boy who just turned 30) wanted to take me to canada for valentine’s day… but i said no as it requires me getting a passport and i’m planning not to get a passport for a while as i am still on steroids for my breathing and it makes me look bloaty and passports have expiration dates for like ten years or so… and therefore, we probably may end up at la croix, my favorite french restaurant in philly..

i was talking to tim (my mentor) about negative results or negative learning. this is something where you find out that you don’t like to do xyz. for example, one may do something like gardening for the first time and decide it’s not their cup of tea.. in this regard i was telling him how jace (my husband) did two things in the name of science and experiment. well, we scientists are suckers for data and so we collect for everything. when he was fifteen, he worked with a farmer for a summer to find out how farming life is and he found that farming was hard labor and that he never would be a farmer. another time, when he was doing his post doc in paris, france, jace  dressed up as a homeless man and he stood in a corner and begged for money (not even that, he told me, he just stood there with a hat in his hand) and he found out that beggars made lot more than his student stipend… 😊 i was so filled with happiness from talking about jace…

my american boy keeps circling my cubicle… i was standing way too close to him today and it’s hard not to flirt or seduce him… in spite of the cold weather, i was warm. sober and whole and innocent. in the most natural of states. with him, like his presence made me something better, newer, cleaner. like this was all i had needed. a balm for my scars… something so familiar with a foreign thrill, the spits of water burning off the scars. they seem to fade when he touches them. i forget they exist. and i forget that i live in an imaginary world.

little warning my lovely boy…

seduction is both a science and an art.  in order to perfect it, one must construct a hypothesis based on extensive research and subject that hypothesis to rigorous testing. ultimately, though, the key to seduction is the communication of your results.  therein lies the art.  the manner of presentation rests within the curl of my lips and eyes and discretion. and i’m quite an expert in communicating with my curves and lips and eyes.

and also, seduction is like boxing.  it requires both endurance and persistence.

breathe deeply, my darling boy…  i’ve only just put on my gloves.

missing you

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i paint you with my words when i’m not with you so i don’t miss you that much.

i don’t know why i keep finding it so strange not to be bent over with the weight of missing you. i guess maybe i’ve been prepared for so long to ache terribly being across this vastness from you – as if the physical separation alone could break my bones. there is no doubt that this is one of the easier nights and that there are times when i tangle myself in these sheets and ache for you in all senses – mind, heart, body, hands, tongue. but i am finding that it is not as tho i left half of myself with you, but rather that i left my best friend, my unwavering companion, a partner to nap with and cook with and to run-through-parking-lots and water fountains. and maybe things are sometimes easier because i am forced to live. i am learning a certain spontaneity and acceptance of the unknown just by trudging through this every day.

but the ache of missing, the very physical act of yearning to be with someone that you can’t quite reach (if not now, ever) is mutual, that there are things i am unable to explain in eloquent terms or be poetic, to make any of this feel better because it has already manifested itself into my heart too, quietly but firmly, all the heaviness and exhaustion from being away from you.

i keep wanting to curl into you and my mind keep tracing over the notion that this is it, above all things, and how soon we would be bracing ourselves for the contrast between absolute certainty in a future with another human being and the spaces separating us which gape and protrude unfairly.

every night, i miss your body pressed against mine and i know that is just the start of an ache which linger and fade, the ebb and flow of missing someone.

tu me manques !

breathe !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i was waiting impatiently at the elevators looking to get a coffee and my impatience turned to marvel when the doors opened and you walked out. i was speechless as i entered the elevator passing you and murmuring something vaguely like a hello to your ‘good morning’.

back at my desk, started reading the paper you left for me so as to distract myself away from the thoughts of you coursing through my body and then you were there. standing next to the printer and asking me questions and we had this conversation before. but you, standing near me, always jump start my heart and i now can distinctly hear my heart beating to the rhythm of your breathing.

my hope breathes and grows like a midsummer’s dream and waits with me in the coldest days of winter and under all these fluffs of snow.

but this time i impatiently waited for you to leave. not that i wanted you to leave but i wanted to make sure of what i already know.

i quickly took out a ruler and measured the small spaces between your words which hung around me like diamonds in a necklace. millimeters adding up to centimeters then adding up to inches until i nearly had a foot of white space. i then took the ruler, pressed it against my chest, you know just underside of my breast and measured it till the side of my right clavicle. i then multiplied it by two and it was roughly a foot ! i knew it before i got the sum and i wasn’t surprised at all. because into all those spaces between your words, i emptied all my breath from every single alveolus of my lungs.

lover, you always take my breath away !

rain

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2018/01/17

i could blame the rain or the electricity in a cloud which loomed gently over my head. my heart aches at the mention of your name. i’ll always remember the fire behind your eyes burning brightly, enough to keep us both warm. the thoughts of you drench my skin wet, but wither my hopes. they asked me to implicate the intoxication of lust as the reason for my missing you.

but i couldn’t do it, i want you and crave your skin since the time you left me imagining your hands on my body under my sheets. i keep grabbing harder still at my own skin, and silently hoping a part of you may have materialized. nothing you have done or will do, will ever change the fact that i love you.  i am trying to remember how to forget you. i started penning a list of ways on how to lose the ones i love and all i end up writing is ‘ i love you’.

bisous !

thaw !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/12

i’m 3% sassy and now a days, i can’t walk sassily because of all the thaw and the resulting slippery floors. better rain than snow, though.

i’m exhausted and quite frankly want to just stay under the covers and not interact with any humans. and these subzero temps we had last week knocked my breath out.  this monday there was rain just in time for the evening rush hour and because the ground was frozen solid, all the rain turned into ice and i left an hour early so i can go home safe and sound and still i found that the walk home was slippery and perilous and i ended up walking in the middle of road. the next morning i was in late as all the ground has become ice and i had to wait for the sun to come up and melt a bit and when i got to work, i saw that terry left the papers on the ledge for me and i smiled ! that’s the best feeling i ever get. terry kindly gives me his wall street journals once he finishes with them and he leaves them for me and this little gesture of his makes me smile every time ! it’s the same feeling i get whenever i got flowers or unexpected texts ! while julien was good with flowers, jace wasn’t so much on flowers but he left little love notes everywhere for me to find. even now, i find a note here and there and this warms my heart plenty.

today was so lovely in terms of weather. it drizzled the entire day and i dreamed of sitting in a small café with terry (for lack of a name for a lover), eating soft cakes and scones and drinking tea.

i worked hard on my future plans this week. had chatted with people, met with people with good information and am getting ready. i’ve fairly good idea the direction i want to move and i made an appointment with my boss so i can check with her about what she thinks.

when i was a child, i always thought by this time i would be settled with a good husband, two children and a house with a white picket fence and maybe i would have been a professor or a poetess.

and oh the heart breaks i have to endure instead ! this is me starting all over again and some days i honestly want to throw in my towel (i kid you not… i want to literally pickup a towel and fling it down with all my might !) or throw myself out of the window.

but as life would have it i have kids and they need their mum. horus is doing well and as i had to feed the kid like  every four hours, and the first feeding sake i started getting up at 3 am to feed him and then i would feed him again around 7:30 before running out of the door for my job and after i get back home, i feed him again around 6:30 and the fourth feeding at 10:30 pm

and because of these early morning feedings, sometimes i don’t get back to sleep at all and so i am walking around a bit zombie-ish. but he is my child and i will take care of him, even if i have to for the rest of his life and mine.

his doctor kept bitching about the fact that i brought horus in for a f/u checkup at day 11 instead of 5 to 7 days and i explained to him it’s because of the weather, but he kept bitching and i was annoyed and pissed a bit but he is my baby’s doctor and you don’t yell at someone like that so i endured his continued complaining. before i left i told him i would have brought him in if he wasn’t doing well or worse.

and honestly though, my child is doing well and still not showing interest in eating but now he is responding to me when i call him and comes up to me and sleeps in my bed and his eyes are sparkling like diamonds. i often wonder if i should date a veterinarian and marry one for my babies sake.

i have decided not to go out these three days as we have a long weekend… just have a pile of blankets i have to wash. there’s a big match this sat evening between eagles and falcons (american football) and for my american boy sake i want eagles to win but the odds are way big as eagles suck. i’ll update you with glee the moment the game is done and also patriots will be playing tonight as well but their win is a definite.

i’m getting ready to do another feeding for my child but i have been pondering lately about this and i’m hoping to find an answer…

how to stay light and fluffy and soft in a world which pricks and stings ?

well, my darlings, hope you all stay light and fluffy and soft in spite of the thorns.

à demain !

update : on the nfl game…. well, eagles won against falcons in the playoff by the skin of their teeth but a win is a win. they will face vikings this sunday (jan 21).  patriots as i predicted won with ease…. can’t wait for them to win this superbowl !

allez, allez patriots !

bitter colds and warm hearts

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/07

my heart is warm y’all,  in spite of these frigid temps. horus, my itty bitty kitty baby is doing well and he put on some weight, he was at 6 lbs and now at 10 lbs and i am actually happy for this weather as i get to stay home these four days (i was home since wednesday) so i can feed my kid every 4 hours and got to cuddle him and kiss him and tell him ‘i love you’. i can tell he is feeling well already as he is purring and his eyes are bright and shiny and he even meowed a couple of times.

my winter sads have been coming on strong in the past days as it’s colder than iceland (apparently), so i’ve been fighting back with sun worshipping by hanging onto the windows along with my kids and colorful vegetables, chocolate mousse cake, touching plants on the street when i went for walks to get circulation going, and thinking about green, and listening to pascal obispo and love songs with my cats who are good for me like sweet potatoes.

my kids and i have been suffering from cabin fever and i really would love to go for a long drive but i haven’t been out very far in my car since wednesday. on friday evening after sabbath started, i thought i would go for a ride to check out the roads because i wanted to go to church on sat morning, and after two blocks i got stuck in icy slush and i was kicking myself mentally when a young man came and unstuck me and while driving away i thanked him profusely and i returned home and decided not to go out again !

this morning there’s a mysterious puddle in my kitchen and i am wondering if some water pipe broke but i am in no mood for bad news and as long as my kitchen won’t flood and i don’t get to wade or swim, i am firmly shutting my eyes and pretend everything is ok.

here’s a funny fact. i was watching news, and apparently the cleveland browns (foot ball) team didn’t win even a single game in their entire season, and so the browns fan had a protest parade for a “perfect winless season” and i saw one guy with a little placard which said “they tried” and i fell off of my bed laughing… haha !

i’m looking forward to going to work tomorrow just to shake off some of this laziness and i want to stretch and work out and start working on my future course work. i had a little chat on friday with this guy and he gave me some ideas and obviously, my transition has to wait, as he wants me to do some course work in finance and he promised to find me little projects for me as a taste of things to come. and oh my gym closed abruptly and i have to now find another gym pronto or i shall go insane as we are on a winter break for ballet as well.

i am content and i am happy. an elder from my church sent a little inspirational text with a story. one day a man was crossing a bridge, but he was scared so he turned and asked god, can i hold your hand so i may not fall ? and god said, “no my child, i will hold your hand”. the man asked “what’s the difference?” and god replied, “if you hold my hand and something happens, you might let go but if i hold your hand, no matter what happens, i will never let you go”.  i feel that way, that no matter what, god got my back and i know god will have my back for the rest of my life.

looking at the soft shapes of my cats has warmed my heart and now i’m just sitting on the floor in front of my lit fireplace, chewing on a piece of french bread with brie and grapes, and patting my legs and sighing and i am content.

i’ll soon get up to make some coffee to finish off my light lunch and go do my laundry, give my babies their lunch and then will settle down to watch “the frozen dead” on netflix.

hey hi hello friends ! hope you’re all well. hope you can find a way to be happy in all this ice and snow around, even if you have to make a town of igloos to do so.

a bientôt !

arctic freeze and whiskers on kittens….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 3 Comments

christmas

this was from my last christmas (with julien), the last time i ever decorated anything for christmas and i am hoping to decorate again in 2018.

well, finally it feels like winter and then some and give me stockings and blazers and hoodies and large coffees and reading in bed all day under my comforter and pumpkin soup and browsing bookstores for hours because it is raining/snowing so hard any day.

i have taken vacation days since 20th of december. i wanted to put the following as my out of office message but i thought better of it as i think many people have no sense of humor.

“hello i won’t be in the office as i have resolved to stay home which feels like heaven and this is where i will be till after new year’s. i don’t believe in santa clause but will be on the look out for him in between spending time with my family, getting my bum black and blue (from falling repeatedly while skiing) and trying to stay warm.

i will not be checking email as the email servers are frozen for sure because of the arctic front.

i will be stuck in the arctic tundra for a few days but gosh i will surely try and stay warm and hope you do the same.”

my desire to get my bum black & blue didn’t quite happen as my boy horus was critically sick due to anorexia and i spent christmas eve at the emergency room; my baby horus was devoted to my husband and every year this time in november (it’s jace’s birthday) gets dutifully depressed as he misses his papa and then he fasts. i watch over him and this year somehow i missed out his fasting and i’m happy to report i will be bringing him home tomorrow but he is coming home with a e-tube (feeding tube) till he is back up to his weight. all the doctors and nurses sang praises of him saying how sweet he is but this is true of all my kids. my kids get praised all the time that they are the sweetest on the planet. i’m a very proud mama.

i stayed indoors most of the time, binge watching all the shows which i have lined up and completed two books.

each morning before breakfast, i built a little fire in my fire place so we can have breakfast around the warm cozy fire. because of cold weather, all my kids and i are bundled into my bed with hot water bottles under our blankets and i am in a kitty heaven with my reading and catching up on all my shows.

for a few days i couldn’t figure out why i was feeling so cold and me not wearing pants didn’t help much so i bundled myself up with appropriate pants and a hoodie. and then i learned that i needed to bleed the radiators and  i couldn’t open the cap and so i had electric heaters but it’s not warm enough but it’s ok as i absolutely love living in my naked skin, without make up, hair hanging loose and wearing my husband’s shirts and generally looking like a hobo most of the time. and as per my custom, i have taken hundreds of selfies. i’m relaxing and being good to myself and to my body, getting massages every other day and long baths.

christmas was lonely as usual and i do miss my parents and all the christmases past, when we bundled up and went caroling or preparing snacks for the carolers who visited. it was more christ centered event than what i see in usa. sadly in america christmas is very commercialized event but i love the way lights are strung up on the trees and the snow and the cold makes this such a lovely affair and i used to enjoy sitting out bundled up with my boy julien and later my husband with hot chocolates and sniffling and listening to john coltrane and his lovely clarinet.

so this christmas i spent the night bundled up and sat in my window dangling my feet out,  listening to john coltrane, eating hachiyas and drinking hot chocolate, and talked to my babies about my plans and the importance of having goals and living life in the fullest and read them poems on love lost.

(coltrane raindrops on roses and you are welcome – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qwg2dsxv5hi)

people always have me in group chats which is real pain in the derrier, but i keep quiet not to hurt their feelings, but most of these group chats have nothing of value and i spend every sunday clearing out the texts between chores. but recently i started getting these texts, from someone and i don’t know who she or he is. they are mostly sabbath greetings or bible verses encouraging me but he/she wants to remain anonymous. i’m suspecting that this person may be the guy my church elder wants me to date. aaron, is a nice bloke but i am not. apart from me loving god intensely and trying very hard to walk with him, i have many short comings. thankfully god still loves me in spite of my short comings and because of this if i were to remarry, i want someone who loves god, who is involved in church and who is of my faith. my husband was a very good man but he was an atheist or agnostic and it was the sad note in my otherwise happy marriage and my life is a soap opera even without my involvement whatsoever and i learnt in a hard way that everything we do have consequences and hence my life became and becomes very complicated. recently i was telling terry as he thought jace was jewish and i was like no he wasn’t and it’s complicated. there’s a spanish saying “god says take what you want (out of life), but pay the price”. i forgot this and i paid a hefty price when i married jace. still no regrets as he was a lovely man and he taught me quite a lot and once again, i must say, i was loved by two very lovely and beautiful men and probably i don’t deserve it but nevertheless, i was loved immensely.

lately i was thinking of relationships and if i really should even bother and i firmly lay the blame at my feet as i shouldn’t have fallen in love with terry, but you know, my life though very sad, was immensely beautiful when my boys were alive and i’m grateful for the time i had with them and i keep searching for that life and i want that life again. i’m sure i will get it back once i meet the right person and honestly, i can’t wait to meet him and get bundled up and listen to coltrane on frigid winters or read poems with him / to him and go walking on the streets shimmering with christmas lights.

2018 is going to be busy and interesting and full of new things. i just can feel it. i am excited and i have missed being this excited.

good bye 2017, you were amazing !

news, goals & general rant

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

sitting on the edge of the bed and contemplating on life in general and all the corners we turn and rough roads we travel on. all happy families are happy alike and unhappy families are unhappy in their own unique way (i’m quoting it from the book “the dinner” which is my current read) i’m a feminist and would love to castrate all men and then i remember the pleasure of sex and the need for a penis. toys, including the most expensive ones, are a great let down. and i have these urges which needed to seeing to on a regular basis. at the back of my mind, i know i should take up a lover soon as i need to fuck properly and as i said, sex toys are a huge let down. and i still think maybe we should castrate all dumb people including females.

coming back to the point, was at my vet’s today and the guy there, was moping about and i asked him what’s wrong and he told me he can’t see his daughter this christmas as his ex put a restriction order or something on him citing sexual abuse just because his 9 year old wrote a letter to a boy in her class saying she may be pregnant. now this guy is a general, all american jackass who preens around like he is a god’s gift to women folk and most of the time, i feel like slapping him, but i have seen him with his daughter and he ain’t the type and i would have hard time believing it. whenever i was at the vet’s, i saw him seating little alicia in front of one of the computer for her to play games, with a candy or a juice box and this blonde kid and i would chat about various things as she keeps playing her games on the computer. the world has gone rogue and it’s a good thing i don’t have kids as i would have been a nervous wreck or a she-hulk squishing anyone and everyone who dares to look at my babies. all this because of the evilness of humans.  as i said, i am a feminist and i am all for women’s rights and all that jazzy stuff, but now a days things have gone too far in the name of rights, civil or otherwise, whether it’s race issues or sexual harassment or what not. which completely nauseates me. everybody giggles over and over again when racial slurs or sexual harassment happen on movies, or tv but in reality, this is life imitating after such shows ! anyway, there’s a huge rant brewing up on all this goddamn #metoo movement and i have this urge to slap someone and i am not sure who i should slap.

this month was extraordinary in which i branded myself unlovable and closed my heart to my boy and shut my goddamn blog down, but then i forgot that i have approx. 25k followers on one of the social media and that they love reading my stuff; i was inundated with emails asking for permission, and needless to say i made my blog public again as it became a painful chore and i’m a lazy person to begin with.

my company had a huge holiday party & i was there to take care of stuff and i had no intention of mingling or chatting or networking with people, but i was introduced to this one executive by sheer chance and he and i said some amicable things and all of sudden it became an opportunity to grow within the company and i immediately designated him (and i told him as well) as my mentor no. 2 and he advised me to take some courses and he asked me to give him my resume so he can forward to the right parties. i related this to my mentor, tim, and he and i started outlining my courses. i told him that i would like to do another degree but refuse to put in 180 credits (for a bs) and he said i would like to see you try….. lol  but for me it seems such a waste because i have two masters already along with two bachelors and in four majors.

and then tim & i got into this huge episode involving persimmons thesis and an exploding hachiya in my purse as i love over ripe hachiyas.

there’s a little writing board in my cubicle and tim wrote, “it’s all our fault”. since day one, he kept telling me this and it’s like a private joke between us. last week my boss told me that as a feedback, she was told that i take things personal and get offended and it kind of took me by surprise and my temper rose and i became evil for an instant but i told her that their perception may be correct and probably depends on the context and that she should only pay attention to what tim says about me and no one else because frankly speaking, everyone else can go and fuck themselves and i could care less about what others think of me and that it only matters to me what she and tim think of me. after all, i have dealt with most powerful men in my life and gained their respect. but we put off this conversation for a future day in january, 2018 when we go out to eat where i will dissect out the department in detail as she wants my feedback.

i have taken detours and side steps to avoid terry, but ended up on his office door step and he looked like a lamb or a deer with his eyes caught in the headlights and he chatted about christmas and what i believe and i really don’t mind him asking me about my values or my life but general manners dictate i should ask him the same, but i really don’t want to know about his life as it makes me feel empty and broken all over again. i mean, what is the point, i can’t share his life & personally i think he should get married, so i can move on as married men are off limits & what is he waiting for any way ? goddamn ! it gave me a huge pleasure to tell him “freddie krueger” delivers the presents under the christmas tree when he said (and god i hope he was joking) he believes in santa or else who delivers his presents ? and i can tell he wasn’t expecting me to say that. haha !

things are getting to normal for me again and i’m relatively ok. have cut my arms and walked around with full sleeves to hide the scars. and the rest of the year, i have taken off so i can selfcare and catch up with myself and say hello to myself and see how i’m doing.

i reset and revisited my goals. i’m looking forward to become healthy and get my ballet body back and my regular gym visits are already showing results and my boobs are perky even without the bra and i am running around with no bra now a days and my midsection is actually melting (thank heavens i won’t die as a half a cow) as i usually look like a beached whale because of my steroids and if i don’t put in time at the gym.

goal 2 would be to gain knowledge in finance and master the same and pave way towards my new career.

goal 3 would be to clear out my house of all things which remind me of my past.

goal 4 and this is the hard one. for a while now, i wanted to write two letters and i haven’t so far. one to my son who i lost. christian who jace and i conceived. and the other letter to the child julien and i dreamed of having and the baby girl whose name julien picked out. noélie. julien and i never conceived a child. but i kept going back to her name. i feel like it is important somehow. it keeps popping up in my mind at random times of the day. i feel like i need to tell you (terry) this. but why bring that up when it’s not important ? when it makes no difference ? we aren’t a we. but in the back of my mind, there they are. always.

optional goal would be to find a french lover or two or three and why not ? lol

bonne nuit à tous !

left and leaving…

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/03/2017

hi… i decided i am going to make my blog private (from dec. 10) and that means if you want to continue to read my writings, you would need permission from me.

with a heavy heart i have to do this. because i am missing him more than i should and i keep swallowing the lump in my throat and the broken heart in my chest and the knot in my stomach.

maybe this is what it’s all about. you love a person for as long as you possibly can, until you run out of love. you love them even when they don’t love you. and then you can leave, as quietly as you came, knowing that you gave all you had, knowing that you couldn’t have been any more than what you were and that it was pure, that it was full and that you were honest with it all. goddamn, love is beautiful but quite a torture when it’s one sided.

well, i didn’t run out of love but i decided it’s best if i said my goodbyes. so here i am leaving and saying goodbye and shutting the door firmly on any hopes i have.

i miss you today and i will keep missing you, and the internal dialogue kept crawling like acid up the back of my throat. but i’ll keep quiet, leaving the burning words to settle some place until they fizzled and faded. and i am making my blog private.

i don’t know how this works as i was told if you have a wordpress account already you may send me a note to request access and i am not sure how it works, if you are already following me but please jot down this email in case something doesn’t work right to contact me at heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com

thank you for reading the bits and pieces of my life so far and after this week, when my blog goes private, i’d love it if you joined along,  but don’t be surprised if it is heavy and sad or full of drake lyrics and photos of me lying very flat on the floor or the backyard or photos of me and my kitties…. what can i say, somethings never change, right ?

bises

 

anatomy of me being scared and being brave

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

12/02/2017

i write stories to survive… i write stories to remember that i am still alive. this year is weird. this year is being scared and being brave. a few years ago, when i found myself all alone, i thought it was like the whole universe was shaking its fists at me, at us (my kids and me). sometimes i forget about the times silence filled up the house, and sometimes i forget about the nights i didn’t sleep and sometimes i forget about my shaky legs carrying me around from one empty room to another empty room trying to find comfort.

people probably are under the impression that i walk around with these things tucked in my pockets, and that i wake to my sadness and greet them in the morning; but i think my grief, and sorrow has a way of hiding themselves in the gaps of my bones, living under my skin like a itch that doesn’t go away and they only rears their head now and then.

there are other things hiding there as well…. things i don’t talk about, because when you give them words, you give them weight and they are already heavy enough on the nape of my neck pushing me down into the earth. i don’t need to share the weight. and i’m not afraid of them, but they are unnecessary, unerasable reminders on the path behind me. i am not claiming i won’t look back. but i’m trying to not let the things from my past falter my steps forward. there are a lot of things i could tell you about.

like all those sliced up thighs and thin red lines on my wrists and the time the only boy i ever loved telling me to turn around and never look back. there are a lot of things i could tell you about, you know ? my friend screaming at me to stop me doing something stupid and the night at the hospital i sat next to julien knowing that it was the last chance to say goodbye.

but i don’t think it’s something that i’ve got to do because those stories are just stories and their effect has already been filled.  i am what i am but i am filling into the details and i am still learning. like how i’m realizing how there’s something attractive in distance, to me. there’s something harrowing and beautiful about getting in the car and just going. which is what i do. often. and, one day, what i think i’ll do. i think, because of the ways that changed me, running as far away from things as possible and holding them at arms length feels right, even if it stifles the way my eyes shine, and the way i am trying, ceaselessly, to bridge all of these gaps and stitch up these miles. it’s not just about love. it’s about owning up to all of the things that i feel, which is something i am bad at and which makes my lips stutter and my hands shake.

so the things i’m learning to be brave about? they’re not about the suicides or the hasty goodbyes or leaving a home i thought i knew. and not about all those things that people shoot me sideways glances about. it’s about the feelings i tucked inside my chest and didn’t tell anybody about–not because i was ashamed but because i didn’t think they were relevant or that anyone cared.

so i’m growing up and still learning, and i’m getting to the place where words are always burning that the tips of my tongue. it feels a little uncomfortable, but how else am i supposed to deal? i’m gonna find a way to let them go. and it’s not brave in a “baring your soul for the world to judge” type way. it’s brave in a “finally becoming comfortable with being who you are and not letting anyone, namely yourself, tell you that there isn’t worth in that.”

i have been trying to be brave for a few years now and i do this over and over again every december… i have a little post it note on my bathroom mirror which says “become committed to being scared and being braver” and i’m gonna start living by it, or i’m going to be doomed to a life of sidelining myself, and only ever being brave for other people.

so i’m showing up here again with my heart on my sleeve and a handful of things i want to tell myself and to let go. i hope i’m ready to listen, i hope i’m ready to believe. it’s not a process, it’s not a step-by-step program. it starts the second i want it to, the second i step up, and that second, for me, is right here. right now.

hello again, december !