lost

it’s 8:29 pm & i miss you

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

rainy, sunday, a list: sleeping in, cleaning the flat and doing laundry, reading the wuthering heights and drinking all the coffee, basking in the sunny warmth of my kitties, having long phone chat with eyetalian boy, watching sports & b movies and feeling good in a while. life is good.

it’s raining and i’m thinking of you – your death anniversary is a few days away, and i want to fast forward to next month. i am consumed by the pain of this loss of you and i can’t breathe.

so i miss you a lot and i could fall asleep right now, it’s so peaceful and i’m thinking about you and i am talking to you.

trust and truth, my lover you saw through all of my flaws— you used to say to me “you exist differently” you’re the kind of weather that gardens love

i’ve been learning about myself as of late and i’ve realized a few things… i’m forgetting you and it doesn’t feel good. but i guess a part of my fears of losing you again ie. is something that i’m trying to let go of because baby, our love didn’t last forever and that’s okay. i want to let go of all the anxiety, the sadness, the grief, the pain. i want to accept this wholeheartedly. you will always have my heart

i can hear the thunderstorms closing in, and do you think that the universe tries its hardest every single day to bring us together ? i can only hope that there’s divine intervention happening somewhere, but humans being humans can also be something familiar enough for us to stay. i miss cuddling and curling up against you and miss your kisses.

it’s 9:37 pm and my mind is running wild, hey, do you remember when we walked downtown late at night and got lost in the city ? i can still hear your laughter, i can still see my smile.

i think i have a terrible time keeping secrets away from myself and because i’m so excited to talk to you, and to tell you that i’ve been thinking about you

my heart raised high, my soul open wide, my love attached to your heartstrings, they say that unknown locations are the best vacations— i miss getting lost with you all the time and i fall in love with you more than enough times

you’ll always be my favorite way to experience love, light-hearted and tender, rough on the edges when necessary, but all things great fire-started by your smile and i still love you.

i do. i do still love you. we’re alright, sweetheart.

and when the rain stops, and you’ll vanish while i’m asleep, i just wanted you to read this and know that it’s authentic and genuine.

thank you for being my best friend, even if we’re no longer a couple these days, even if we do prove that even death can’t separate us.

it’s going to be a grand adventure regardless me struggling and you dead.

i just wanted you to know that i’ll never forget you. whenever it rains, i’ll remember you, us – you won’t be too far away. you will be wherever the flowers grow. and you’ll be right where the sun kissed the sky, and i’ll be waiting there for you as well.

5/5/2019

amor fati – part deux

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

the sunbeams sparkled prettily in your eyes when words came out as whispers from my curled lips with the softness of velvety wine. “you may kiss me when the light is right”, i breathed and i blushed heavily. it may be winter air pinching me pink or it may be that i was fully drunk in the sweet liquid you were soaked in as i fell in love. you breathed out my name into the air scenting it delicately and from then on every touch became a divine secret. my giggles took a silver bell tone tinkling with every breeze. you brushed my hair as though they are like a silken whisper. you are still a familiar unknown to me; your texture, tastes and touches i can’t identify; so vivid, so familiar, so out of this earth; savoring your splendor in the glow of the stars cast over our skins; our colors have bled and blended to create a new hue. we twine around each other without breaking. i’m comfortable. you are the exotic tastes, smells and tingles. you are the colors, sounds and shadows. your heartbeats are oceans whispering my name and i dream of seashells.  i still find myself aching for those hues, whispers and time hasn’t faded that memory or that familiarity.

at what point loneliness morphs into something that exists as something bearable ? i find myself missing you, missing your conversations, missing our moments; miss the curl of your tongue and the press of your teeth into my flesh; miss the way my soul sways to your smiles as your smiles wash over me affectionately; so fluid, so subtle and so mesmerizing. you should know that i can never bring myself to ecstasy the way you would; miss you, miss you , miss you a lot, a lot, lover ! please please come back ! melt with me one more time ! there’s always space for you in my heart, between my thighs, beneath my finger-nails, atop my tongue and inside my eyelids.  i breathe your name into the dark sky, pleading with the stars to carry my secrets and my tears to god.

i know none of this will translate into reality and i don’t mean for my words to be profound or planned or poetic. it’s just that i tucked you away in every atom of my body for times i need to feel alive; it’s just that i’m captivated and alas, i’m nothing more than a shadow thirsting to kiss you once more; it’s just that i still can’t remember my dreams. it’s just that tonight, i will bundle up all of the pain that exists inside of me which tugs at my heart’s skin and knead it until i’ve created something beautiful.

time is watching on and smiling as my tiny heart aches and aches and aches….