love

to the ‘autumn-boy’

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

he kept explaining to me cleverly & cunningly that he knows “autumn” as a name for girls but never “octopus”. i stood there explaining that he was mistaken that i ever said that, while completely floored at his cleverness & slyness in inserting hidden messages into an impromptu conversation and then proceeding to tell me things which i try and hide. if i were to do something like that i probably would have drafted out a conversation, rehearsed it in front of a mirror and would have made awkward attempts to direct the other person to my scripted conversation and then failing miserably.

but here is the thing. as brilliant as his conversational masterpiece was, what good is that to me ? what the fuck do i do with that piece of information ? i guessed as much that i didn’t quite managed to hide my feelings and then there was that time, when he turned around and ran away from me screaming when he thought i’m about to confess.

every time i am around the autumn boy, i keep falling in love with him and i keep wanting to stay and linger, just a little bit longer. i keep telling myself that i have a secret that nobody knows. it starts in my heart and consumes me as a whole. i store it deep down and i always find myself in two minds wanting to spill and not wanting to share. and praying that one-day i might feel whole. it makes me sigh softly, groan silently and makes my eyes sparkle with tears. it eats away at all my feelings, until i become numb and cold as a steel. layers of frost on my heart, feeling lost and feeling old. if he ever knows my secret i would want him to know that i love him still and that i will watch him from afar and with care. and i’ll send my kisses through the sweet air.

my moments with you are bittersweet. they keep me happy, making me think of what we could have, and making me crazy with all of my delusional wishes. thinking that you’re flirting when you really only asking me simple questions. it’s all so difficult, but what to do ? you make me feel like i have missed out something important. i know we can never be and i’ve forbidden myself to fall for you. but still, i’m terrified that when i’m married, with a man who truly loves me, that i’ll still be thinking of you. wondering about endless what-ifs. what if i had the courage to say how i feel ? what if you have the courage to acknowledge me and risk asking me out. what if we go through endless things together, giggling all the way. i want to feel your hands on my waist & my body against yours. how long should i wait ? i used to think that you were shallow, and flash and i would never date you or marry you because twenty minutes into our dinner date, i would probably slap you silly. but now i am thinking, maybe you can learn to understand me. maybe you are just as lost as i’m and wanted me to know you through all that haze and flash. i don’t let people grow close to me.  i would let you in but i don’t trust you that you would handle me with care. i was broken in a million pieces and i carefully glued and stitched myself together. i’m hard to get to know, as i bury myself deep under many layers. but i’m thinking i could be wrong about you. you should know i love you always.

there’s more to tell but that’s how it always goes with you, there’s always more to say, you’ll always listen (or read) and so will i. i would want you to write me a poem and bring me flowers and i still haven’t erased you from the top half of my list of “maybe-s”, and “when you wish upon a star”, but i might be getting there, maybe. we’re never walking in the same direction, but maybe we can wish for the same like we hint at wanting.

my darling, life was so much better when i didn’t give a fuck about you.

i still love you anyway.

(oct. 10, 2018)

anubis

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

*02/23/2002 – 07/18/2018*

i have been in need to lean on a soft heart for a while now. it’s a lonely city to be sad in. trees, at least, let you be quiet and alone without anyone’s eyes on you. but there’s no mossy place for me to land on here. there’s no scent of wood chips and the soft, soft morning light in my bedroom window. i’m trying to articulate myself because i’m alone and can’t be alone right now and don’t know who to reach out to hold me, because i can’t hold myself.

everyone says that a mother loves all her kids the same way. it is not true. last wednesday i took my kitty boy, anubis, for a procedure and his little heart stopped during that procedure and it broke my heart. it was the worst feeling i ever have gone through. again. i felt that way when julien died but since then i lost my child, my husband, my dad and my mum and i never ever felt this deep sadness. i felt my heart being ripped off and i honestly think i wouldn’t be able to cope with the anxiety and the anguish. this sadness is a deep well. when i brought him home later, i went and sat at a church and had a full on conversation with god  and later i stuttered out apologies and all the ‘i love you’s while holding his lifeless body and didn’t know who i should be dedicating my words to. i was fortunate enough to have been loved by him so much as well. all my kitty babies love me, but he loved me just a pinch more. he and i had such a bond. god, i ache, i ache, i ache.

i don’t know what to do with the texts and phone calls saying ‘i’m sorry for your loss,’ and even more so i’m not okay with the fact that my vets felt awful or that they were sorry. anubis may not be a human child or i may not have given birth to him but he was blood to me. without him i wouldn’t think this world would be such a beautiful place. i am not sleeping well these days and i miss him. a lot. i wish i could hold him again and keep saying ‘i love you’ ‘i love you ‘i love you’. i don’t want to cry but my hands keep shaking. fuck the sympathy cards. fuck all of them who can’t understand what he meant to me. he was important to me and he was my baby and i lost him. i am trying so hard to stay okay. i don’t want to cry.

evening thoughts

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’ve been sad for a few days now,  as sunday before last, i lost my very pretty baby girl bastet. on friday (april 6) evening when i got home, there were indications that she had been vomiting and when she saw me, she cried aloud. and i knew her heart is giving out when i touched her and her temperature was down and her paws were cold. it was a hard but i decided to let her die in my home and in my arms as i know it would be futile to run her to emergency room and subjecting her to all kinds of torture. so i sat with her and let her sleep on my chest. she finally passed away sunday morning around 3 am. and she still looked beautiful. i kept her in my arms till the rigor set in and i went to bed.

as a mother i want to keep my babies safe forever and i know life is not like that. i am glad to say, i have and will provide the best possible care for my kids knowing fully well that they will all leave me. but i count my blessings and am learning not to be greedy and let them go without being selfish and subjecting them to unnecessary torture (like taking them to vets) because i want to hang on to them .

i am silently thanking god for the thorns as well as the stars he placed in my life.

and of course, the whole of last week i moped around a bit.

now that the spring is in the air, i am attracting unwanted attention as usual. and they do get drawn to me like a moth to the flame. i mean, i am not making fun of them because they are attracted to me, but i get cheesed off royally because of their lack of romance or paying me compliments… for example, they expect me to get wooed when they say “you are stunning”, “you are amazing”, “you are beautiful”…. and usually i’m a cold bitch and i would give my standard reply “fuck you” and now a days i have this guy at the trolley station who says the above things and also if i am wearing flyers jersey (they won one game) and lost two so far (i know, i know i cry every time and it’s exhausting), he goes “ooh flyers”…. i mean, come on ! my iq isn’t in single digit to fall for that crap… and he tries to talk to me but he is as deep as a rain water puddle and he gives me migraines. i probably have to change my trolley stations and soon…

i think i may be a little too hard on some people. maybe i’ll stop. there are times to be a cold bitch and times to forgive and forget. i feel like lately i’ve been too stressed out to differentiate.

now a days i have a lot of time on my hands and i have analyzed and found that careerwise, staying where i’m is not gonna work for me long term. for one i don’t think the department would provide me with opportunities to excel and i’ve bleated myself hoarse asking for some projects, to learn something new and acquire skills and then i realized i’m wasting my time and i’m not suicidal and so i’ve started making lateral moves into a different area.  probably soon or in couple of years, i should move on to a better position. and i’ve plenty of time on my hands.

i’m also getting influenced to start thinking “out of the box” by this novel “the martian” and it is fantastique. it gives a brand new perspective about what to do or what not to do when you find yourself all alone.

and i’ve made a great friend at work and she is awesome and keeps questioning my thoughts when we meet with each other once a month and thus keeps me on my toes. we keep pushing and teaching each other to excel in our careers.

also my former boss paula wasn’t pleased when i told her i wanted to do mba as she still wants me to finish off my ph.d. and start a biologics company. but i need time for that as i’m just now getting stronger. and so for now, i shelved the mba idea to see where my lateral moves would take me.

sandalwood got me an engagement ring and i am like “dude, did you see me wearing any jewelry except for my belly button ring and occasionally a nose ring”. he said he bought it for more of a traditional reason and i was like on your knees please.  i never wore my wedding band except on my wedding day and jace never wore it as well.  and i don’t think, i will start now. or may be i will wear just that one piece and i will totally be naked. i keep telling sandalwood “please sit back and watch me fall in love with you”

i told him i may not be in love with him right this minute, but before i love him again, i will make sure i will carry the same heart as his and even though mine is broken, i will stitch them together with his kind words. he told me that we should recreate the pheromone that moths use to attract other moths. and how if we touched that chemical it would stay in our bodies for ten years. when i teared up and became small, he told me that we would go somewhere quiet and let the moths turn us into dust.

every time i visit him and if the weather is nice, we would sit on  the step of his fire escape, and he sipping his wine. across the streets through the thick of  leaves and then the cracks in the branches, you could hear music playing. some soft and sad songs. the place always felt a little too far away. one night we went inside, and the bassist was a boy who i think about often, who knows what kind of music i like. he smiled baby smiles at me while he played and i thought about magic, about coincidences, about how sometimes the most important place in the world is somewhere you dream about from a fire escape across the street.

sandalwood is back on the road and i miss him. i miss the american boy somedays as well. this irritates me to no end to find feelings lurking in my heart for him. i know it’s hard to choke and kill your feelings no matter how pissed you are with someone and i’m trying to wean myself off him. it’s a bit hard as well, because we both are on the same floor and for my part, i’ve mastered the art of avoiding him…

i guess eventually i’ll get better at goodbyes, but this time and sometimes i’m finding them in parts, in fragments, in some nights saying too much with words that spiral and others spending too much time understanding different ways to communicate. so many words tonight, beautiful little fragments of all that is before and after

what turns to stone is inside you and too often we carry these weights within us.

for the loves of my past

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

‘my life is a wonderful one’ i keep mumbling as if to make myself believe.

i always overthink things that shouldn’t be overly thought. time is a selfish bitch and its consistence and constance is driving me to a point of sad sad insomnia. there’s not enough time.

there’s a boy in my bed reading poems out loud to me and my ribcage hurts when i breathe, but i’m happy, you know. there are so many people to say goodbye to and i’m afraid that tomorrow i’ll be too sad to function properly.

is it just positively not a good idea at all to want to say i love you to someone via text when you’re going to see him tomorrow. i came very close though. i think so, i don’t know. what would you do if someone said i love you and goodbye in the same sentence ? because that’s what i wanted to do and it’s complicated. i don’t know, i don’t know. today was a husky and dusky colored day. i feel like my winter has been one drawn out goodbye. everything is so up there, out there, somewhere that isn’t here. but i’m ending things. collecting the remaining pieces of me and putting them in my pockets.

my life is a wonderful one. i just have to smooth over all the edges that i’ve roughed up in the past, errr, two or three months.

this is an accumulation of my mind. i’m not saying anything anymore. there are no words for how i’m supposed to be feeling. i just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore.

a love letter to my boys who don’t exist anymore.

you. i love you.

you may be faded images or i may be driving with my eyes closed. blurred humans or i’m going blind or i may be sleep deprived. i loved you more than i love sweet potatoes. i’ve never said that to anyone since you.

and i’ve fond memories of you; i’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; i warm up to your memories and i remember the bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and swaying to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.

and oh how i loved to dance with you and i loved to move in the rhythm of you.. i’d rather not say hello to you and remember you; but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what i’d rather have forgotten. i can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. i’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; i always lost myself in you and i’d rather lose myself in you and i’m lost in you.

ps: in case you are wondering about my valentines’ day… some unknown sent me flowers and they were waiting for me on my door step. i’m thinking it’s the anonymous guy/girl/it who texts me and yesterday i asked him/her/it for his/her/its name and no reply but i got a valentine text today again… robbie made weekend plans for dinner; sandalwood is in my bed reading me romantic poems in the hopes of getting into my pants and oh he gave me a rose dipped in gold; i’m planning to collect a bouquet; my ballet teacher came back from russia and ordered me to get myself stretched and so this evening, i got stretched thoroughly for 90 mins and i’m exhausted. i’m going to bed !

star dust and fluid self

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i dream of you in delicate images, of fragile portraits built only in sleepy dreamy hazes, shivering at the sight of tumbling walls and shattered mirrors. yet i’m not built of glass, i’m an individual tracing outlines of you, a familiar stranger, sadly inaccessible, and i’m prying open the cracks within me only slightly, because if i expose the gaps, i illuminate the flaws and risks i’m (trying) and willing to take. my eyelashes flutter shut and i imagine the bits and pieces of star dust that created me, you and us, wondering if i’ll ever learn how to stop cowering behind the things i should say and start spilling the hastily formed sentiments; the words i tried to catch early in the morning, composing love letters in fog from the shower, before the wind blew them out of me. because sometimes you can’t keep it safe anymore, sometimes you have to take a risk, sometimes you have to be really goddamn honest with (or without) the promise of any reassurance or guarantee.

i may write great paragraphs about learning how to be brave, the twisted way i’ve thought that by shouting all of my secrets, i might become something bolder. but maybe i’m still not ready to say some things out loud yet, afraid my voice will quiver and my jumbled words will become nervous laughter, my mind falling into apologies and excuses. if i had the guts though, if i could gather the courage to look you in the eye and tell you everything that has been on my mind when you were standing in front of me all those times, and all those times i kept talking to you with my mouth full of bees so you couldn’t hear what i’m saying and tonight while sitting in the cold wind that wakes us up from the tingling skin to the core of our hearts, i would tell you this:

this is absolutely terrifying and i’m tapping my fingers in a steadying rhythm against my wrist to remember not to run away and not to destroy, not to repeat a passive aggressive path. because to me, this is big and this is heavy and i’m incredibly unprepared for it all. i feel all of this emotion welling up inside of me, a knot in my stomach, the swarm of bees in my chest and it has been so long since i felt a happiness that sits like a lump in my throat. so i claw my way through slowly unfolding ready to shout or cry or bury myself into a slight solitude so it will burn out with a small pop! but no matter the conflict of emotions, the net of protective keeping i’ve placed you into, there are some things that no matter how mixed up or complicated they might be, they fucking mean something. you can’t just ignore that and you can’t wonder where they might take you. you just have to lay it all out.

so here i’m. i’m ready to give you everything i’ve got, all the broken pieces and parts i’ve stitched back together with high hopes and good intentions. here are all my poorly told stories and histories i hoped to hide within myself, but shared too soon. here are my mistakes and successes, my flaws and my promises. here is all i’m, with shaking hands and an unsteady heart. here are my fearful thoughts and things i can’t quite articulate yet, my trust and my willingness to uncover everything ahead of us. because i’m tired of being safe and i’m tired of pretending it isn’t happening and i’m tired of wanting things and i’m tired of second guessing what all of this might mean;i’m keeping every goddamn finger i’ve, crossed that it is worth it in the end, when i want to believe in this so fully and deeply that it shakes me to my core.

i am crooked. i am old. i am placing all of my bets with pocket change. i am hoping to find you soon, and even from my deepest slumber and daylight moments spent wide-eyed, i know i will.

somehow i always am forgetting how difficult it can be to love fully, and to remain open armed and grateful.  how i don’t think my heart could get any bigger. and how i could fall farther in love with you than before. but here i’m, again and again.

how wonderful !

 

here & now

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

it’s snowing this morning but no accumulations because it’s warm out. i walked around my neighborhood with a cup of cocoa for a bit and caught snowflakes in my hair. (i’ve asthma and i shouldn’t do stupid things like this, but i’m being stupid for a change…. pneumonia, you are welcome). i stayed home as i needed to bring my kid horus to ze vet for his f/u blood work to make sure he doesn’t have internal bleeding.

i’m happy to be home to be surrounded by my cats as i’m kind of sad. i’ve been thinking about the american boy and how he talks about his girlfriend and i was thinking he is happy with who and what he got and while i’m happy for him, i’m sad as i’d have to push pause and explore couple of other boys who actually seem to be interested. i just need to find out if any of them is worth having a relationship ie that they are not neanderthals and all too much bloody americans as i find all americans loud, relatively obnoxious, unromantic and too chauvinistic and me being a highly intellectual, educated and feminist being, we are not a good mix. all this came about as how these boys keep wanting to do stuff with me and its not fair for them i think as even though i do go out, my mind is always on the unknown. and having said that, i’m planning to get a passport so i could go away for a weekend… anyway, american boy has to wait for a bit while i pursue other avenues… oh well, life goes on…

i often find myself falling into an overwhelming grief and by some coincidence, like when i’m chilling in my car or my bed or listening to music so it’s not that bad.  my brain warps and warbles when i’m in a mood like this and my thoughts go like: “the world in general is very much fucked and i’m running low on hummus; are those yellow flowers on that open bush; why is that woman wearing that awful dress and oh my car has great speakers and this is a great gift to be immersed in the greenness of the traffic light and so on and so forth. the mere multiplicity of it all… and ding ding ding…

being in the present moment. there’s full immersion and magical things like attending concerts, having sex, and skydiving (i never get to do this because i found out i was pregnant the day i was to jump) or bungee jumping or going scuba diving; participants in these activities are completely and utterly immersed to their bones in these moments. there’s no pausing in the past no stress for future and just living, breathing and absorbing every detail like a thirsty, bone-dry sponge; highly tuned to the smells, the sights, the tastes, the touches and the sounds become rich and colorful and alive; is there a better way to live than being in the present moment ? that’s why i love animals as they live in the present moment. just acknowledge and appreciate your current situation with eyes wide open and even more wide open heart. such liberation, such life !

i love being surrounded by my cats when i’m sad. i long for the velvety silk milk warmth of loving by a human, which is currently in hibernation. it faintly translates to getting caught in a deluge and getting drenched and just laughing but the sky was black as my grief; and when the rain ended the color of the sky and there’s no way i can describe how clean and how clear  and how crisp and how surreal the world seems; it amazes me what these violent storms do to the colourscape and it amazes me what ends up radiating. i don’t necessarily feel sad; i just feel like …. oh what are the words ? … i just feel like, my heart is buried somewhere deep, deep and going pitter pitter pitter… who knows about relations, or who knows what love is or even whether i’m equipped for it or whether it’s enough ? i’m sure i’m not gonna die of an aching heart, or loathsome loneliness; i’m sure i’m going to laugh those big laughs again while hanging off of a loved one and catch snowflakes in the hair while holding hands with someone who loves me and i’m sure there will be days for me with cozy comfort but i’m here, now and thinking about not running away; there will be days we can meet in a garden where cats roam chasing squirrels and there will be days, and yes, we have to meet there again.

i wish us all sudden and unpredictable velvety silk comfort.

i will now go and put on a sweater.

unspoken

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

think of me as a love letter between your fingers. cradle me and caress me. imagine that my spine is aged with a love that is older than my time on this earth. that my corners crinkle when i blush and that the creases in my body are similar to the scars on my thighs – i ‘ve been folded in two, in four. i don’t always fit my surroundings. imagine that i’m that ink stain that rests on your fingertips and that i carry permanent promises when you mark me and that i’m carved on paper and on bark, on bare walls and on crowded skies.

that i ‘m here for you to read on your loneliest nights. imagine that i weave my love through my words when i’m not there to weave my fingers through yours or toss your hair. that there is so much to say that my sentences run off the page. that despite this, i’m always ready to sign “yours” with a steady hand. i’m always ready to love you with a confident heart.

think of me as a love letter between your fingertips. come kiss my lips and open my lines. remember that i’m written in a language just for you; sometimes in braille, run your fingers on my body and read me; sometimes i’m written digitally, and that i stutter more when i write than when i speak – i’m still learning how to use certain words when you are around. be patient with me. know that my love screams louder than the pauses between unfinished syllables, the same way that it is more prominent than the miles between our souls and bodies. come and say hello to me and share your story with me.

share yourself with me.

love apparently

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’m here and here are somethings i want you to know, all you lovely people of the internet…. i’m fully exhausted with my scheduled feedings of horus and every day is another misery and i’m wondering how long would it take to finally break me with this sleeplessness…. but seeing my kid come to my bed when i stir in the wee morning and then purr happily with the anticipation of nourishment, is a magnificent sight and he comes meowing and cooing and rubs his head against my face and i’m happy. he is still showing no interest in eating on his own except couple of times when he licked a bit of some chicken flavored food. i so need to get a variety of foods to see which one he would like to eat, but i’m exhausted. i think it’s partly because my lungs are not working as well as they should in spite of inhaler and i can’t wait for the weather to turn a bit warm and bring me fresh set of allergies..

so robbie (the boy who just turned 30) wanted to take me to canada for valentine’s day… but i said no as it requires me getting a passport and i’m planning not to get a passport for a while as i am still on steroids for my breathing and it makes me look bloaty and passports have expiration dates for like ten years or so… and therefore, we probably may end up at la croix, my favorite french restaurant in philly..

i was talking to tim (my mentor) about negative results or negative learning. this is something where you find out that you don’t like to do xyz. for example, one may do something like gardening for the first time and decide it’s not their cup of tea.. in this regard i was telling him how jace (my husband) did two things in the name of science and experiment. well, we scientists are suckers for data and so we collect for everything. when he was fifteen, he worked with a farmer for a summer to find out how farming life is and he found that farming was hard labor and that he never would be a farmer. another time, when he was doing his post doc in paris, france, jace  dressed up as a homeless man and he stood in a corner and begged for money (not even that, he told me, he just stood there with a hat in his hand) and he found out that beggars made lot more than his student stipend… 😊 i was so filled with happiness from talking about jace…

my american boy keeps circling my cubicle… i was standing way too close to him today and it’s hard not to flirt or seduce him… in spite of the cold weather, i was warm. sober and whole and innocent. in the most natural of states. with him, like his presence made me something better, newer, cleaner. like this was all i had needed. a balm for my scars… something so familiar with a foreign thrill, the spits of water burning off the scars. they seem to fade when he touches them. i forget they exist. and i forget that i live in an imaginary world.

little warning my lovely boy…

seduction is both a science and an art.  in order to perfect it, one must construct a hypothesis based on extensive research and subject that hypothesis to rigorous testing. ultimately, though, the key to seduction is the communication of your results.  therein lies the art.  the manner of presentation rests within the curl of my lips and eyes and discretion. and i’m quite an expert in communicating with my curves and lips and eyes.

and also, seduction is like boxing.  it requires both endurance and persistence.

breathe deeply, my darling boy…  i’ve only just put on my gloves.

missing you

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i paint you with my words when i’m not with you so i don’t miss you that much.

i don’t know why i keep finding it so strange not to be bent over with the weight of missing you. i guess maybe i’ve been prepared for so long to ache terribly being across this vastness from you – as if the physical separation alone could break my bones. there is no doubt that this is one of the easier nights and that there are times when i tangle myself in these sheets and ache for you in all senses – mind, heart, body, hands, tongue. but i am finding that it is not as tho i left half of myself with you, but rather that i left my best friend, my unwavering companion, a partner to nap with and cook with and to run-through-parking-lots and water fountains. and maybe things are sometimes easier because i am forced to live. i am learning a certain spontaneity and acceptance of the unknown just by trudging through this every day.

but the ache of missing, the very physical act of yearning to be with someone that you can’t quite reach (if not now, ever) is mutual, that there are things i am unable to explain in eloquent terms or be poetic, to make any of this feel better because it has already manifested itself into my heart too, quietly but firmly, all the heaviness and exhaustion from being away from you.

i keep wanting to curl into you and my mind keep tracing over the notion that this is it, above all things, and how soon we would be bracing ourselves for the contrast between absolute certainty in a future with another human being and the spaces separating us which gape and protrude unfairly.

every night, i miss your body pressed against mine and i know that is just the start of an ache which linger and fade, the ebb and flow of missing someone.

tu me manques !