love

breathe !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i was waiting impatiently at the elevators looking to get a coffee and my impatience turned to marvel when the doors opened and you walked out. i was speechless as i entered the elevator passing you and murmuring something vaguely like a hello to your ‘good morning’.

back at my desk, started reading the paper you left for me so as to distract myself away from the thoughts of you coursing through my body and then you were there. standing next to the printer and asking me questions and we had this conversation before. but you, standing near me, always jump start my heart and i now can distinctly hear my heart beating to the rhythm of your breathing.

my hope breathes and grows like a midsummer’s dream and waits with me in the coldest days of winter and under all these fluffs of snow.

but this time i impatiently waited for you to leave. not that i wanted you to leave but i wanted to make sure of what i already know.

i quickly took out a ruler and measured the small spaces between your words which hung around me like diamonds in a necklace. millimeters adding up to centimeters then adding up to inches until i nearly had a foot of white space. i then took the ruler, pressed it against my chest, you know just underside of my breast and measured it till the side of my right clavicle. i then multiplied it by two and it was roughly a foot ! i knew it before i got the sum and i wasn’t surprised at all. because into all those spaces between your words, i emptied all my breath from every single alveolus of my lungs.

lover, you always take my breath away !

rain

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2018/01/17

i could blame the rain or the electricity in a cloud which loomed gently over my head. my heart aches at the mention of your name. i’ll always remember the fire behind your eyes burning brightly, enough to keep us both warm. the thoughts of you drench my skin wet, but wither my hopes. they asked me to implicate the intoxication of lust as the reason for my missing you.

but i couldn’t do it, i want you and crave your skin since the time you left me imagining your hands on my body under my sheets. i keep grabbing harder still at my own skin, and silently hoping a part of you may have materialized. nothing you have done or will do, will ever change the fact that i love you.  i am trying to remember how to forget you. i started penning a list of ways on how to lose the ones i love and all i end up writing is ‘ i love you’.

bisous !

the best is yet to come !

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what’s with my lying to boys i like when they ask a straight forward question ? my american boy terry, came over to me yesterday at work and asked me if i watched the flyers game (ice hockey) the night before and which i haven’t watched but i lied and said yes. this is half truth as i did know they lost and i recorded the game as i was out on a semi-date with a boy who has been chasing after me over two years and i have been brushing him off as he just turned 30 last year and so he is much younger than i am and i know i don’t look my age but i am clearly ancient in wisdom and experiences, but i thought it is only fair to give him a shot and so am interviewing him and other boys (sort of) as i need to find a lover for my needs and whateves… and a little background. i am a flyers fan and most of the time i parade around the office in my flyers hoodie and now a days i am also sporting my leg warmers and i could care less how i look as i have breathing issues and this blistering cold weather is making it hard for me to breathe as it is and my chest and lungs hurt almost all the time. so i was actually a bit surprised as he was discussing his american sports with me. but lately he has been putting in some effort into chatting with me and i am like “dude, why ?”

and honestly terry, i fall for you over and over again and i really don’t know why but i would like to blame you anyways…

my american boy keeps me up at night and to be honest, i am reeling in my feelings for him and oh, i overheard him telling someone that he lives by himself ? (which surprised me as i thought, for sure he lives with his girlfriend) and my brain went in so many different directions including you should call me up on cold nights to come up and warm you up thoroughly lol.

terry may not realize it but i am being very nice and not trying to capture his attention because he has a girlfriend, but if he doesn’t watch out, he may end up getting hooked in my tentacles anyways and then end up in my bed. i think he may love this as he likes to fish…  😊

i’ve reasons why i want to talk to him, but i am avoiding him as the more i talk to him, the more i want to jump him and kiss him so goddamn hard but i don’t because i am a decent upstanding member of the society. and also, i’m slightly concerned that he may be a bit shallow and i need someone who is intellectual and philosophical but to be fair, it’s only my impression as i don’t know him as a person and haven’t made any effort whatsoever to know him, and i’m not spending my energy into knowing someone who isn’t available as it’s not cost effective and so terry, if you ever become single and available, you should look me up and only if you think you can handle me. but, i think i actually would like to chat and know you as a person for academic reasons.

i consider that one cannot love without being on the edge of cliff. every annoyance is a heartbreak and every question eats away at you. if you love without passion you do not really love. and my love is very chaotic and passionate; it’s bites on lips and sucking on ear lobes, scratches on the back and sex is rough, and passionate, gasping for air and gasping for life, pretty much.

i have decided i would polish up on my french so i can join french social meets where i can encounter french boys. as i said, it’s been a while since i had sex and i’m still not convinced that i should remarry but in case i decided not to marry, i would need a lover in a hurry and i usually plan five years into my future and the future i’ve being laying out for myself is going to become really hectic and busy soon and i may not have time to find a good man and i don’t want to end up on tinder or worse so i can have a fuck and gosh, i so need to fuck.

also i want to brush up on the languages because of the future i am laying out for myself in this corporation.

i am excited about my future. the executive, to who i sent my resume remembered me (and i was actually surprised because for sure i thought i would have to remind him) and kept his word and made phone calls for a contact person for me to talk to and he called me up on wednesday and gave me the contact’s name and i immediately dropped him an email and i will be talking to him tomorrow and i am so goddamn excited. the best which could come from this is me being able to transition without a hiccup, and worse could be in terms of time and course work and laying down the foundation and getting into an entry level where i may end up making less than what i am right now but i am thinking that’s the risk i will take because the result is worth it as i am clearly very intelligent (you may all be aware of my lack of modesty by this time and as i have repeated multiple times but i believe modesty is for losers and i know what i am and what i am capable of)

i am also thinking of adding this as an objective on my resume “i would like to excel and make sufficient money in order to give my cats a luxurious life and for providing them with good preventative care in terms of their diet, supplements and also so i can meet their vet bills”.

well, here’s to 2018; and to frigid winters and fragrant springs and dreamy summers and orgasmic autumns. here’s to the books i’ll be reading this year. here’s to loving art and musique and connecting and appreciating passions of other people. here’s to more creativity and here’s to soaking in the light and darkness this year may shed on me. here’s to falling in love again and again, and to keep on loving (you) and learning regardless of whatever. here is to healing and inspiration.

bises !

amor fati – part deux

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the sunbeams sparkled prettily in your eyes when words came out as whispers from my curled lips with the softness of velvety wine. “you may kiss me when the light is right”, i breathed and i blushed heavily. it may be winter air pinching me pink or it may be that i was fully drunk in the sweet liquid you were soaked in as i fell in love. you breathed out my name into the air scenting it delicately and from then on every touch became a divine secret. my giggles took a silver bell tone tinkling with every breeze. you brushed my hair as though they are like a silken whisper. you are still a familiar unknown to me; your texture, tastes and touches i can’t identify; so vivid, so familiar, so out of this earth; savoring your splendor in the glow of the stars cast over our skins; our colors have bled and blended to create a new hue. we twine around each other without breaking. i’m comfortable. you are the exotic tastes, smells and tingles. you are the colors, sounds and shadows. your heartbeats are oceans whispering my name and i dream of seashells.  i still find myself aching for those hues, whispers and time hasn’t faded that memory or that familiarity.

at what point loneliness morphs into something that exists as something bearable ? i find myself missing you, missing your conversations, missing our moments; miss the curl of your tongue and the press of your teeth into my flesh; miss the way my soul sways to your smiles as your smiles wash over me affectionately; so fluid, so subtle and so mesmerizing. you should know that i can never bring myself to ecstasy the way you would; miss you, miss you , miss you a lot, a lot, lover ! please please come back ! melt with me one more time ! there’s always space for you in my heart, between my thighs, beneath my finger-nails, atop my tongue and inside my eyelids.  i breathe your name into the dark sky, pleading with the stars to carry my secrets and my tears to god.

i know none of this will translate into reality and i don’t mean for my words to be profound or planned or poetic. it’s just that i tucked you away in every atom of my body for times i need to feel alive; it’s just that i’m captivated and alas, i’m nothing more than a shadow thirsting to kiss you once more; it’s just that i still can’t remember my dreams. it’s just that tonight, i will bundle up all of the pain that exists inside of me which tugs at my heart’s skin and knead it until i’ve created something beautiful.

time is watching on and smiling as my tiny heart aches and aches and aches….

 

finding myself

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12/15/2017

i kept crawling on the edges and hiding in the curtains for so long, and i keep laughing. it’s impossible to classify how many different kinds of laughter there are, but sometimes you mean and sometimes you laugh and you don’t mean and then there’s the ones you feel and the one’s you don’t. on my birthdays i laugh as hard as one should laugh on that day as that is such a monstrous joke. decades worth of yelling and screaming, growing and running, feeling and tears. here i am once again lying on my stomach on my red (egyptian) cotton bed sheets, and laughing like i was happy. like i was a while ago and now what seems like another life.

this may be the low or it may be the calm before (or was it after ?) the storm. the storm of happiness. the storm of growth. the storm of love. i found you and you made me whole, and you fixed the cracks in my heart, and stimulated my brain into happiness. very few made me wonder how on earth i’d ever felt that empty, that scared, that completely alone. there was more joy and feeling behind my laughter than i’d ever known possible. i felt fixed and i felt healed and i felt whole. instead of wondering what i was missing, i wondered how i had gotten so lucky. things i wanted to happen started happening, and the concept was so foreign that i felt like it wasn’t possible. floating in a sea of blue eyes, smiles, and glances, of shared ideas and shared moments, and way more than one too many coincidences.

i never believed in fate before, and i shouldn’t have wanted to after i met you. this is love, but some people call it fooling yourself, and it was introduced to me by you. i shook its hand, but nothing further. you touched my hand, but nothing more. i let you touch my heart, but that’s on me, not you. apparently all those fireworks i saw were for my eyes only, or you were just hiding your eyes. call it destiny, fate, old-fashioned coincidence, or look up a study pertaining to why human beings make something out of nothing. and i thought there is hope, but i know it’s one-sided.

the funny thing about healing is that it comes from within our own, singular minds. we may think we need other people to save us, but i know now that’s all just smoke and mirrors. we believe what we feel to be true. but truth has no interest in making us feel whole. truth takes us and breaks us, fragments our hearts, destructs the careful realities we have constructed in our minds to make us happy.  my thoughts can save me but my thoughts can kill me as well. truth and belief are no friend of each other when we are talking about peace of mind. believe what i can while i can, because here i am again, lying in bed and i haven’t been happy in months.

we don’t need other people to make us feel whole, but we believe that we need other people to make us feel whole. and that’s because i am still human

for always keeping my fingers crossed

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today is the first snow of winter 2017 and it’s snowing softly… it’s such a pleasure for me to see the snow fall. it’s like the whole damn city is getting washed of all it’s dirt and sins.

i keep thinking i need to open up the windows and let the change in and sweep out my past and all the memories.

now a days i am sleeping in odd angles on my bed because of my kids who are now in my bed. may be i should have gotten a california king bed.

my mood – “everything is blooming most recklessly; it it were voices instead of colours, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night – rilke”

it has been hard lately battling with myself and wanting an ordinary life and wanting someone to call my own. to come home to and to rest my head against his shoulder. i keep dreaming silly dreams like holding hands and walking around the streets lit with christmas lights.

you know how sometimes you bump into someone and you think they are really great ? you find it hard to sleep because thoughts of him keeps you awake and you spend a couple of weeks trying to find out all the little details, complicated conversations that seem to be opening up the way for something good.

things are good. but deep down, the probability of something so abstract actually happening seems a little absurd and so surreal. in spite of me keeping my heart checked, i keep dreaming about all these little things to do with him and the chances of these little wishes and dreams happening are slim to none, but i believe in the potential of my dream and so none of the realities matter.

i’ve been trying not to hold all of this against you, taking my time & biting my tongue, closing my eyes early, trying to put it all into perspective. it’s easy to place blame where it doesn’t belong, swollen with anger reflecting things i can’t wrap my fists around. the long drives i take at night and managing to pick a decent soundtrack of songs, i was so hushed keeping my eyes peeled for the reflection of deer eyes. but these days, i’m exhausted by the silences, all these sentences too jumbled to make sense, pulling them out of the patterns in my skin. there are too many risks i take without any understand of where i am going, what i am working towards, they keep tugging on every part of me.

i have swooned and i’m swooning and placed all bets on a losing (already lost) dream. and when all these dreams of mine come to a crashing halt, it shouldn’t really hurt or sting or feel like a sucker punch, because i knew it was coming.

but it does, and i don’t want to admit this but i have placed all my hopes in the wrong basket and i forgot to hide them before it was too late.

secretely

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11/29/2017

i miss you.

in all those lines i have written to you, I breathed in my ‘i love you’s between those lines. i’m flawed and i haven’t found the right words to say, but i’m neatly tucking them all in an envelop, my all those disorganized ‘i love you’s…..

questions blooming like flowers on my fingertips and my heart keeps racking up these frequent flyer miles to your heart, and i keep biting my lip so hard that it turned raw. i tried to bury my sadness among my ribs; curse word prayers manipulating truth and remembering how to say ‘yes’. it would be a valentine’s day when i see you again as i await to whisper hello; ghosting the ache of space between us, and waiting to tell you my love stories as war anecdotes while holding you so close i could crawl inside your skin, and deep into your bones, and i will be happy.

but here in the gaping spaces that separate each of my fingers, there’s potential. in the crook of my neck and in the soft swell of my breasts and in the glistening pout of my lips and in the curve of my hips there’s potential. and there’s a soft promise across my collarbones that one day some one would kiss my words, touch my lips to music notes and memorize my body like a cartographer, so i should really stop wishing for it and just wait… to hold hands with you like old friends. it’s so easy to feel lonely and unlovable in gray winter times but here’s a potential too to find beauty in my solitude.

i wish i were seeing you tomorrow or that we made some plans. i wish you to be my valentine or that you were mine.

but this is all a secret.

your face reminds me when i was old

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i’ll write about the sounds of your heart and how i synced my heart to your rhythms… tonight the options are spread out before me, wondering if i should confess to you or just continue pretending that i won’t be aching for you and just stay silent staring deep into your eyes

i’ll write you in soft lines, and tell the world how my boy is so bright and smart with warm heart and pouty lips.. and how i wanted him since so many moons but was stopped by subtle fears and that he has someone else.

i want to talk to you about mysteries of old and of life, of me and that i’m not quite dull or stoney. i want to tell you that i’m not shy but that i want you to shine with your eyes so blue and so bright.

i want to tell you that i lost my youth along with the boy i loved with my all and all i have left are my eyes that are old in thousands of years.

i want to tell you that life happened and it happened a lot, and that we can share stories about spouses in each of our nests.

but lover, i got old and my life is at an end and i’m alone with no partner, dipping my toes in a lake full of memories and scribbling unfinished dreams in journal after journal.

then i found you, even before i noticed you, and my heart tells me you are mine, but i’m too old and wise to realize that it’s just a li’l dream of mine.

my story is ever so simple and wise, i just wove my heart into yours and threaded myself into your eyes and may be you’re my distraction or my lifeline.

maybe we don’t fit together right now but who knows, i may get to be your long-lost wife or a lover for a night or five.

i’m not sorry that i show you my eyes, and that i bare you my soul with inks so blue and fine and maybe you’ll give me a clue or two and maybe one day you will be mine.

 

Title credit: Telefon Tel Aviv

a love letter

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11/07/2017

dear boy,

i would have asked you if you saw the moon and how did it look on your side of the town ? as per usual, mine got hidden with clouds and fog and still the brilliance of the moon tried to cheer me up…

but today, i loved you. i loved you in a complicated and compromising and confusing way that made me uncomfortable and unapologetic. i loved you and i’m stupid, so stupid, stupid in the way i’d never able to keep my hands off of you given the circumstances, stupid in the way i’d spill the secrets i never knew i had, stupid in the way i’d cry every time i got too close to opening up and letting go, stupid in the way i’m  reckless and bold. but i love you. i am sure of that, no matter how many silences, awkward half-conversations, moments when we spit words like daggers and nights i soak the sheets with hot salt water tears.

i’m careless and consumed, you know.

you need not worry about things unnecessarily, you know, as i haven’t yet decided if i wanted to fuck you. as much as i am consumed by the thoughts of you touching me, i haven’t masturbated to the thoughts of you or touched myself screaming your name… so you see, you can relax and can be yourself.

maybe it’s a feeling. or a four-letter word. this love of mine. i am not sure.

you see, i keep on making up things in the dark so the monsters under my bed won’t devour me. i try to fill the void with the overused memories of you and like everything else, you will fade as well leaving only smeared red lipstick which turns black. i am not planning to dress up as yours.

i just talk to you in my writings. maybe because you’re one of the ghosts i am growing comfortable with. i don’t mind you haunting me if it’s the only way that i can remember that you existed. sometimes, i think i only imagined you in my mind. but then i see you. i’m too old to have imaginary friends but then again i only exist in my imagination.  somewhere, somehow my younger self refused to live in this reality which is unbearable and hellish and i retreated into another world. but you, you’re also some kind of hell.

i trace your shadow in places i haven’t been. i picture you sitting across me at a dinner table; lying next to me and having conversations… i guess you can never unlearn what you never knew. you are a bittersweet mystery that will always cling to my mind and your name will dance on my tongue. my words will always build themselves in a memorial of my love for you.

but if i were being honest here, broken is a word that describes me often. i just like writing you into hundreds of pages because, you and i, we’re more beautiful on paper. there’s magic in being a poison to each other. the happy ending is the space between us. i don’t think i’d get over you.

i just want you to know that i think every single time you read my words and feel you can connect to them in a sort of complicated way, every time you feel a tiny bit inspired by this to shake your own dust and be brave in facing the things you keep tucked in your pockets, each time you have something to say and are unsure of how to say it but will one day. in many ways i am just messy and confused as what i want and who i am but i promise you that sometimes i wake up, days like today, and it scares the hell out of me, makes me want to put all the covers over my head, but it also pushes me and drives me. i’m not one to admit when something is changing me and illuminating the path ahead with a spark and a twist of a fate i never even expected, but this project, this small attempt at filling loneliness up with words and chances to let go and hold on at all once, it is waking me up and letting me know that i can do this, i can do all of this, but i am sure, positive, that i couldn’t do this without you.

so with everything i’ve got and all the things i am still unsure how to give, thank you.

signed solemnly,

me

last day of october

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10/31/2017

autumn moons make me wanna stay at home and take long baths and wear nothing but a bathrobe and stare at the moon drinking coffee and just dream…. tonight, while i was coming home from my doc appointment, i saw the moon still half but glowing with a promise of becoming a full and beautiful one… i love full moons and cold, crisp air, crunchy leaves, wearing hoodies, making sweater traps for my babies (they get stuck in my sweaters because of their claws), disillusionments, warm glow of fire places, hot chocolates and endless coffees, freshly made banana nut bread and cuddles with my kitties and lying on a warm pile of clothes freshly taken out of the dryer.. feel like taking a day off, cleaning the house, refusing to shower, eating junk food (i have none at home currently) and reading poems with no pants on.

i’m not sure how i lose my socks all the time…but i seem to be buying them every other week… so well now i have to wear new socks and for some reason these socks are slipping off into my boots and i’ve to stop and undo the laces of my boots and pull the goddamn socks up and lace up again and my whole story is something as silly and hysterical as that i read on tumblr and i keep giggling to myself – well, what else is new, eh ? “i walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”

for the second day in a row, i haven’t been to the gym and i am slightly cringing that i will get slapped on my bum by my ballet teacher and aargh ! yesterday it was doing food shopping for my baby bastet as i ran out of her favorite food and of course when i went to petsmart there was this guy who was buying  $100 worth of wet food for a charity and well i was happy that he is buying food for the animals but it took a long time. from there, i, um… i am not sure what i did because when i got home it was late…..   tonight i have made an appointment to get my eyes checked because i haven’t been to the eye doctor since 2012 and things are getting blurry again and i thought i should. i got all the exams taken care of and my eyes are fine and my vision changed a bit and i am getting new glasses and the lady who was helping me and i laughed and giggled the whole way through but it was another late night.

there is this boy who creeps into our floor and uses one of the conf. rooms which is right in front of me, as his own and at first i thought, he is visiting from some other office and so he was put in there but then i found out that he just was squatting and it honestly is aggravating me… to top it off, now because of him, other colleagues of his started coming up to escape their floor and i chased them off and i haven’t resolved this problem yet but by god, i will. in the meantime, one of my colleagues. pete, went into that room and closed the door to make a phone call and he did that when i wasn’t at my desk and so when i came back, i naturally assumed that it was jake, the squatter and so i called the facilities people on him and well… it was pete ! pete is like i forgive you and i told him the whole story and well, now tommy and pete are teasing me and of course we all burst into giggle fits…i can’t even tell you how i get into such situations….

my boy is very protective of his team and more often than not, i have to explain certain things to him why something is this way or that way and i have to be very careful how i present my points because you see, i can easily get on his nerves and so i try and explain correctly and carefully. i actually like one of his team members. genevieve. i always have trouble pronouncing names because when i see a name, my brain automatically pronounces it in french and well, i have to make a conscious effort to pronounce it in english. i think she is genuine, you know pure in spirit. i think she is from a small town or village and not quite contaminated by big city. and more importantly, i think she figured me out… i put up a very bitchy exterior and hide behind makeup and red lipstick to protect myself and she figured this out. i’m not expecting much from her anyway as humans have this awful habit of hurting me very badly and i survived and i learnt my lessons and i am cautiously friendly. all in all, i like her more than anyone else in the office well, obviously my boy comes first as he has my heart and of course this other director who i really admire and have lots of respect for him and i hold him in high esteem.

today my boy crept in quietly and i didn’t realize he was in the office till he went past my cubicle and i almost jumped off of my skin…. and i was momentously angry at him for not announcing his arrival… how dare he ? but i was giddy with happiness to see him and i also talked to him briefly and i grow very small in his presence and i of course, kick myself for feeling this way…… what am i ? a teenager ?

it’s been a handful of quiet blissful days, pressing emotions into the lines of my palm to remember to share with you later. we will share all of these, aren’t we ? all of this feels so big, so on the goddamn cusp, so right on the edge of this uncomfortable place i have returned to, surrounded by people i’ve no common threads with, but for you & me, our knots that tether us are tied in different places; my love stems from collecting & not creating, so this is me stumbling blindly into this autumn, this silent preparation for what is to come s & i’m once again giving myself to something that once felt terrifying but now provides a comfort, a gentle murmur in the silences between us, here we go, here we go, here we go.

Bises !

 

ps: remember submissions close 12/31 and email your submissions to heavyheavyboots0317@gmail.com