minnou

Hello March !!

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Finally sun has come with bright light and warmth. Weather has been crazy and the equations went something like this

Warmth + no sun = Rainy

Sun + no rain = Cold

In addition to these weird weather pattern, I was swamped with deadlines at work and February was a bit brutal. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and not having sun didn’t help at all.  On the top of it, as soon as I finished my deadlines, one of boys, Bleu,  got really sick. He is 19 years old and he has onset of kidney disease. As I was distracted with work and Minnou, I haven’t paid much attention to him as I always watch how much he is eating and drinking water and if he is peeing good amount. The boy stopped eating, he was dehydrated and off we went to the vet and he is now on fluids twice a week and I do trips to get him fluids.

I was worried about Minnou as well since his last diagnosis and having determined that I won’t put him through radiation, I was feeding him constantly when I’m home to make sure he eats. I am to take him for another check up soon.  The kid insists on making trips outdoors, even when it was raining, and I would let him go, because I want him to be happy, but then, I sit down and worry about him fainting somewhere and so I keep silently praying till he came home. Moms, eh ? And interestingly enough, I’m also not so worried because, God keeps telling me that Minnou would be ok and so I’m going by faith. This week (March 8), I took him to another vet for a second opinion. And she put him on high dose of steroids and it seems to do good for my boy. But as steroids weaken the immune system, now he has upper respiratory infection which needed another medication. But still, God is good. My boy actually put on some weight and he seems to be in good spirits.  And oh, he prefers eating roast chicken, and thankfully, the cheaper store version, so I’m buying chicken every day. I know it’s $10 per day but I really don’t care. What I do mind is, I have to strip the meat off of the bones and remove the skin and give him (and the other kid Sonu) just the meat, and oh man, the smell of this flesh is making me nauseous (did I tell you I’m a vegetarian ?).

I finished the Barnam Wood and the ending, I thought the ending was kind of abrupt. Oh well. I started on Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (March 2nd), but got paused again as I have sick babies to take care of.

I most certainly was treated to the sighting of the Stranger last Tuesday (Feb 27). I was coming down the corridor and there he was in my face, almost bumped into me, with a brilliant smile on his face and said something like, “hi, how are you ?” in a hurry. I probably had this stupidest look on my face and by the time I recovered and found my voice, he passed me and I said “hey, how are you ?” to the space in front of me. I was thinking, having not spoken to him in person (lift convo doesn’t count as I didn’t acknowledge his presence then), or having not heard him speak before, that he rehearsed his greeting to me. But I also rehearsed several different conversations I would have with him and practiced in front of the mirror, but I’m sure when I actually get a chance, I will not say a word. For fuck sakes ! I’m an adult but I behave like a retard. And again yesterday (March 13) I was blessed with another sighting. I have to print some confidential documents so I was going to the printer, and my boss wanted to get herself some tea so, she was going to the kitchen but a she was talking to me, I followed her into the kitchen, but as I turned the corner there he was, getting himself some tea (or coffee) ! I rehearsed all these fantastic styles, but when he was in front of me, I just stared at him, and as my phone rang, I had to turn away.

Yesterday, I got home and I was thinking, this won’t do. Oh, btw, I found out he may be married or at least he has kids. So, he goes out of the window for sure. But I need to get over him. So, I’ve this cunning plan !! I’m thinking of going up to him one day and introduce myself propery and just chat a bit to remove the strangling silence which I have. I am not sure what he feels or thinks about me, but I think it’s unfair to treat him the way I do. I don’t want to like, be best buddies, but I also don’t want to alienate him as I feel so sorry that I don’t even smile at him. Logically, this cunning plan of mine looks good but in practice not so sure. Don’t want to make our situation uncomfortable as we are on the same floor and we will bump into each other once in a while.

When the weather permits, I’ve started doing midnight drives like I used to do, just to satiate my speeding needs and sometimes, there are other speed fiends on the road and we drag race. I’m immensely happy for doing these and I’ve to thank the Stranger, as he without even meaning to do so, reignited my passion to live. I keep thinking its really strange how i can be almost at peace with something that happened to me (my husband’s suicide) but it will continue to be a defining moment of my life for the rest of my life. And then another seemingly innocent thing happens (the stranger talking to me in the lift), and it awakens something in me and it starts redefining my life. It’s like, my life in two acts !!

Anyway, today the sun touched my face and it was glorious !!

i dreamt of snow

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Yesterday I tried to go to work because my boss said she will be coming in and she needed help with some project.  It was snowing pretty hard and I spent some time removing the snow and it was about 6:15 a.m. and the snow was wet and heavy. Anyway, so I started driving and it was really scary. For the first time I knew what it means to have white out conditions. Like it was really bad. I couldn’t tell if I am going to hit a car in front of me or not as the snow was like a gossamer veil on my car and even though the wipers are working hard, the snow was still sticking to the windshield and to the side mirros and side glass windows. So after half hour, I gave up my stupidity to be valiant and get to work and came home.

I spent the superbowl game night at the emergency cat hospital. My heart is heavy because Minnou, my lovely boy, has a tumour and it may be cancerous. Since his return back from getting lost, he wasn’t himself. He lost weight and I thought it could be because he was lost and not getting to eat. But his appetite is down and he wasn’t eating his treats. On Sunday (Feb 11), I scheduled a massage and when I got home, took a shower and then took a nap. The kids were napping as well, but I woke up suddenly because I thought I heard some one meowing. When I looked around, the only kid who was awake was Minnou and he looked a bit down. I thought of making a vet appointment the next day but he looked so miserable, so I dragged him to the vet. The vet did a onsite ultra sound and she thinks he has a tumor but we need to schedule a proper ultra sound. I am so sad but also very optimistic because I feel that God is telling me he will be ok. I know I sound stupid but the same thing happened when he was lost the whole 6 days. I was afraid for him, praying for him and crying for him thinking the worst possible things and in all that this voice kept telling me he is fine. Anyway, I feel that Minnou will be ok, I will get him a surgery if needed but no radiation or chemo because I don’t want to torture him. And if it’s God’s will that it’s his time to go, and when his time comes, I will let him go. But for now, I’m keeping him happy and feeding him a lot so he can keep up his strength. Meanwhile, i’m wrestling with God to not break my heart again.

This afternoon and part of the night I barfed all over the facebook because Tom Brady said his coach Bill Belichick is the reason why he left Patriots. I ask you ? Seriously, dude ? Of course one guy was like, why can’t Tom say this. Tom can’t say it because Tom should show gratitude to his coach. One should always be respectful to one’s parents, teachers and any other mentors, even if they are bad.  All relationships have disappointments and disagreements. That doesn’t mean Tom should go on Jerry Springer show. Also, in my opinion Tom’s problem and the reason he left Patriots, was his ex who probably wanted to move to Miami as she has roots in Latin America. I feel sorry for Tom but as much as I still think of him as a great player but as a person, he just flaked and showed his true colors. For me a person’s integrity comes above his athletic skills. 

I am enjoying my hebrew worship songs so much i feel i’m drawing closer to God and knowing Him more intimately. Plus, our sabbath school quarterly is on Psalms and it was profound and moving. I recently came upon the song “Lev Tahor” by Messianic Jewish Alliance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs2rYz55qyg and it just makes me fall down on my knees and cry !! It’s a song they wrote for Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement) based on Psalm 51 and we sing english version all the time (Create in me a clean heart). But the way this song is sung makes you face yourself and repent. It’s moving. Simple and humble whisper of a broken, crushed heart, before Him, Who can restore and forgive. Also, I have to remind myself not to close my eyes while driving to work, because I’m fully immersed in adoration of the Lord.

This morning I got down to my car to go to office and I saw my car was still covered in the some snow (obviously accumulated after I returned back) and like a fool, I left my car’s snow clearing brush in my apartment and I wasn’t going back up the stairs. So I took some paper towels and started digging at the snow which now was hardened because the temps dipped over night. I was struggling and I was about to go back in the car because I don’t have my gloves too and so my hands were freezing when my neighbor, Ben, whom I passed when I was getting to the car, and who was sitting outside smoking and having coffee, came by and handed me his car brush. I burst into laughter. And I was like this is much better to remove the snow and he went “yes, compared to that mighty paper towel” 😊 I thanked him and I have to get him something like some sweets or something for being so nice.

It started as a rain event on Monday (Feb 12) evening and evolved into sleet and then snow. And yesterday morning there were periods of heavy snow (white out conditions which I experienced). Yesterday’s fast moving snow storm dumped several inches of snow into some areas and my area got about 2 to 4 inches, and hightailed out so fast leaving some reminders. But then Sun came out and worked hard to melt away most of the snow. While driving to work I realized that the roads were quite clear and if I don’t have the photographic evidence of the snow and some snow which still stuck to the grassy areas, one would have thought, we all dreamt the same snow dream. It’s like a winter magic. It’s a Winter Kiss.

One of my colleagues went to work and I told him he should be getting snow right about now and he sent me a photo of clear skyline. And mine are of course, heavy with Winter, February edition.

View from Top – Time about 7:40 a.m.
Philadelphia Skyline while I was drowning in Snow

Winter – January Edition

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So we had our full taste of winter, with proper snow and ice and slush. Snow arrived a day earlier than it was predicted, late Monday night (Jan 15) and by Tuesday morning we had snow and later in the day sleet followed. We didn’t particularly have a lot of snow per se, I forget now, but I think it was about 2 to 3 inches but later that day, it turned into sleet / a little bit of freezing rain, so it totally became sheet of ice and as the temps dipped by Tuesday night it was a bit miserable by Wednesday morning.  I worked from home on Tuesday and worked on removing the layers of snow as I know I have to get into work on Wed.

So come Wed morning (Jan 18), I was in my car a half hour earlier than usual to warm up the car because the morning temps were at 9 F and the windchill is probably in -ve something F. There was a big message on my car dash saying “pressure dropped. Add air”. I never added air in my tires and it was like 6:30 a.m. and no one would be open, even if they were to open on time but with the weather we had the previous day, I wasn’t too sure if they would even open on time. So I parked myself in front of a car mechanic place and after an hour later they arrived so I could get air in my tires so I get to work.  The mechanic explained why the air pressure went down and that I could probably have been fine driving but I didn’t particularly want to take a chance as it was bloody cold out with winds. The roads were well maintained thankfully so had no further issues.

As if to have a repetitious theme, we had another round of snow on Friday, so we again went through the motions of dusting off the car, warming it up, etc.

In the meantime, my kids were very miserable, because I won’t let them out, and I kid you not, if I let them, they will go out in the chilly wind, and also low temps. I don’t mind them going out but for the fact that there is snow and the temps are way into single digits even without windchill factoring in and I don’t want the snow thing sticking to their paws and may be between their toes and I don’t want them getting frost bite. But of course, they don’t understand no matter how much I explained.

I let Sonu out on 1/17 and it was the quickest walk he did. He took a couple of steps and backed out. But he ventured a bit more on Friday’s snow but I was scared that he may go down, so I got hold of him and brought him back inside.

Minnou didn’t gave me a lot of trouble as he just tries to open the door to escape. But I learned to lock the doors. Sonu is a first class passive aggressive kitty and eloquently grumpy. See his royal highness in all his glory of being eloquently grumpy. He plants himself in front of me and stares me down and sometimes making his eyes half closed as if he is squinting and if looks could kill !!

I also exchange slow blinks with him when he is in good mood and he loves to give soft bites when he is feeling lovey dovey !!

Temps are supposed to improve this week and we would go into balmy 30s and may even hit 60 come Friday.

Here are a few photos of snow and Sonu.

cat and a cake

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

It’s been a while since I got into the mood to write as it has been raining, and raining and raining and apparently been raining. To top it, we had a lot of winds (gusting at apprx 50 miles / hour) so it was not fun at all. Mainly ’cause I park my suv on the street and sure enough, there was a big fat branch which broke off a few meters from my car (1/9 – 1/10). Not fun  !! as I’m writing this (Saturday night 1/13) I can hear the winds again, and also our temps are  tumbling down to below zero for the next few days and they are calling it for snow. Our forecast about snow now-a-days is like we think it’s gonna snow but may be not. So for Monday night / Tuesday they are calling for pretty white cold flakes to fall from sky. Will they ? Won’t they ? Will we get an inch ? may be six inches ? What we know for a fact is we once again have another “it may. It may not” day coming.

 I don’t know if aging is a good thing or a bad thing or it’s just a thing, which we can’t avoid, but I feel like aging really suits me on the inside. Especially now, since the day I met the stranger, who inadvertantly caused a chain reaction in me, and shook me out my cocoon, so to speak. I feel more independent and important, constantly pushing myself and discovering things I wasn’t aware of before. I’m growing into my skin once again, and unfolding my wings, gaining strength, and ready to take flight.

I decided to not pursue the stranger. I’m, however, grateful to him and I do entertain this fictional romantic life with him. It’s like my secret, to have a recurring fantasy about him; with him and probably if I have a mind, I could make it into a soft porn. I figured this too shall pass. Especially if I don’t know him. And I don’t want to know about him for sure, purely because, I don’t want to get crushed.  I’m afraid to find out if he has someone or that he is not all that I made out to be. So this is safe in my opinion. Also he is an american and their idea of romance is, huh, non-existent. And I need thorough romance; like I need to be serenaded, write me poems, and give me fresh flowers every day and tell me sweet nothings. Also he is in accounting and they work with numbers. So basically very emotionless. I have been praying about him though for his health and well being in general.

Here’s my darling sleeping Minnou tucked in a bread basket which was a part of Christmas gift my boss sent. Any shipping containers which I receive, are repurposed for a while, as sleeping boxes for my cats. I throw them out after they get soiled or if someone decides to throw up a hairball on them. Somedays I have multitude of boxes which drive me insane. Minnou recovered a lot from his adventure of getting lost.

I was relaying this story to everyone I know of how he got lost and somehow found his way back. The title I gave to this journal entry is cat and a cake which is quite suitable because of the short story which wrote itself. I previously mentioned that I bought a big fat chocolate mousse cake on 12/30 and lo and behold, on 12/31 the kid returned. So I made a dent into the cake on 12/30 and I didn’t have the necessary sadness to finish the cake because my boy returned and now I have a big fat chocolate mousse cake in my fridge. I tried to bring it to work but no one showed interest and now I’m sure it’s stale and I have yet to throw it out. May be I should freeze it like people do with their wedding cakes as a souvenir of the lost and found cat !!

I haven’t made any resolutions per se, but I did think of living a stress free life. So remove all stress out of my life or as much as possible. I’m trying to make small changes in my lifestyle as I need to shed some pounds which I gained as I was on some steroids (prednisone) which I was stupid enough to take as they are pills and so they are systemic.  But I guess when you are struggling to breathe, things like I will put on weight goes out of the window. Now that I weaned myself off of them, I should be able to shed the weight (fingers and toes crossed) easily enough. To that end, increased water consumption and carving out a regimen. Also having completely destroyed my hair with blow drying, spent a small fortune investing in hair oils, hair masks, bloody expensive shampoos and treatments to nurture my hair to grow back and get the necessary hydration.

And oh ! oh ! oh !! Laboriously made a list of books I want to read this year. I must admit, last year my goal was way way waylaid. It was quite embarrasing really. I listed out about 30 books so far but I want to read at least 50 books. I’ll post the list once I get it done.

I wanna spend more time in the sun and smile more at strangers and stretch my limbs and focus on the details of everyday life and eat more vegetables (work towards becoming a vegan) and nourish my body in every aspect and do things for others just cause i can and  save bugs from being obliterated.

I have been listing out small joys: waking up to the sound of rain, endless hugs from cats, buying myself fresh flowers, discovering new music, pretty sunsets, laughing until my tummy hurts, slow mornings, long showers, random acts of kindness, crawling into bed after a long day, driving with the windows down and singing at the top of my lungs, discovering words for feeling you never knew existed.

I essentially live on tumblr when I’m home; scrolling and looking at videos and photos of cats, or baby animals or any animals really. I need help !

adieu 2023

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(12/30/2023) I think it’s John Keats who said “Touch has a memory”. I miss my cat Minnou, and the head bumps he gave. I’m profoundly sad as my cat Minnou who went out to wander on Christmas morning hasn’t returned. Not sure what happened to him. I walked around the neighborhood looking for him, but as I don’t know where he goes, or how far he ventures, it was really a futile effort. All I can do right now is search my community web page, local SPCA web page to see if someone turned him in. I’m clinging to the hope that he is ok, may be someone caught him and kept him and may be he is lost his way as he ventured out too far chasing a rabbit. I considered it an acceptable risk to let my cats go wandering considering the small span of life they have and I gave importance to their happiness above all else. So here’s to the hope that he would come back to me someday and he is still in our family prayers.

Update (12/31 – 1:20 a.m): Minnou came back. I went to bed around 12 a.m. and woke up to a loud meow and there he was, he came home !! my heart felt like it’s going to explode with the joy, sadness, relief and all sorts of emotions. I hugged him tightly and gave him two cans of food. He lost weight and he is clearly traumatized. I don’t think he was hurt, but he is just got lost. He is sleeping now and I think he is running a little fever. But I want him to recover so I’m not taking him to a vet yet. He stirs a bit in the sleep meowing and I’m calling out to him assuring him that I’m here for him. By the time I went back to bed it was 5 a.m.

Shout out to 2023 – We have survived this year. This is a shoutout to people who started their 2023 in a bad place. Who felt like things were already out of control so early on this year. Who started the new year in pain, in grief, in fear. Remember that most things in life are temporary, and even when the sadness feels overwhelming, it isn’t all you have, and your suffering doesn’t make you less worthy of love

As we are about to start another year and y’all say it with me. I’m about to walk into a soul nourishing year and will make it a most successful year. It is worth to remember some of the many reasons why it is special to be alive. Bats hear shapes; plants eat light; and bees dance maps. We must hold all these ideas at once and feel both heavy and weightless with all this beauty and the absurdity of it all.

As Ann Lamont said, gorgeous, amazing things come into our lives when we are paying attention. To overcome my dull ache and sadness as I was missing minnu, I turned to Bach and a big fat chocolate mousse cake (this is store bought and not from a French patisserie, so it’s not that rich). I always turn to Bach. I spent endless lonely nights with him. There are some pieces of music you always return to when you want peace. When you want to slow down. When you want to relax. Those musical pieces are formative experiences in your lifetime. You connect with them.

Bach must have known how something flutters away when you turn to face the face you caught sideways in a mirror in a hall at dusk and how the smell of apples in a bowl can stop the heart from beating for an instant; and the stars of ice that spread across the window panes and everything is perfectly still until you catch the sound of something lost and shy beating its wings against those darkening stars. And then: music. The musical urge to hear and know until I merge with the dynamics of it all and become my own unique modern day symphony.

On 12/29, I joined a face book page called “West Chester – What was that noise” because our neighborhood has been reporting some big booms with no known source or a concrete explanation. I mean these are like large, noisy booms where the earth shakes, etc. I have been curious for a while now even though I have yet to experience the noise first hand, but as it is my neighborhood thought i would join the fun and read through the explanations.

Time, by slowly working in lengthy durations, has updated memories; erasing all the pain, leaving only smiles to reappear, and helping joys to lean into the shadows; drawing tiny suns there at leisure.

This year has been a year of growth. I learnt to have more room for life, more learning for fun, more taking care of myself. It felt vulnerable at time. But we (I) experienced it all, with strength, perseverance, and love. It’s ok if everything wasn’t amazing. We had good memories and accomplishments despite the rough patches. Here’s to a lovely, full banner for the coming year as well !!