new beginnings

all that jazz….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i feel like november whizzed by with barely a bat of an eyelid this year. time seems to be passing in very strange ways for me at the moment; the days dragging out and weeks feeling impossibly long, i spend the majority of my time trying to distract away from reality / pass time as quickly as possible (to little / no avail at the moment) but the months ? the months are flying by ! like how in the name of fuck is it december already ?!?

my drives to work (or anywhere else tbh) got really spectacular…classical which makes me feel as though i were flowing, and autumn / winter is magical time of the year as the air is crisp and clean. as i mentioned before i started driving to work every day and after experimenting with various radio stations to distract me from the people on the road, i finally hit wrti 90.1 (classical and jazz) and wow my drives got so much emotional and sublime ! almost all my drive time i’m usually tearing up as this music is coursing through me, filling me up with this sweet music.  mornings they play classical and during evenings they play jazz (after 5ish). i have missed both so much ! i used to regularly attend symphonies at kimmel and went on dates with my husband to jazz bars especially zanzibar blue in philly and god i miss dressing up chic and swinging to the blues !

i love classical and jazz because they are so chilling, they give me the sense of relaxation. so when i am driving back from work, with sun already set and driving through the dark and windy roads, jazz transports me to those cool air-conditioned, dimly lit, luxurious bar, (smoke filled i imagine myself) i can just feel the cold air surrounding me whenever i listen to these jazz and blues music.  you can just feel the vibes and you could just feel how much you wanna start singing out loud and as i don’t know the lyrics i just go humming., i know i am not completely able to convey my feelings when i listen to jazz and classical, but what i can surely say is that these both music genres are relaxing as a great fuck !

this evening i was moved by these two particularly – listen to these and you will thank me.

yo-yo ma havanaise op 3 saint saens (the swan).

mark whitfield – harlem nocturne

on thanksgiving eve, i went shopping gathering the needful stuff so i don’t have to run around on thanksgiving day and friday.  while driving, i have been listening to wrti and driving around from shop to shop like a little bee buzzing about and i was driving home when they started playing the requests and someone requested dvorak string quartet no. 12 in f major lento “american” by hagen quartett (https://youtu.be/20cwxpo338i) and the timing was perfect… the breeze started picking up and it was becoming windy and all the autumn colored fall (fallen) leaves were beckoned by this gentle wind and they started dancing in a swirl of golden memories and it was the loveliest sight of all ! lads let me tell you, i was moved so much at this sight and as this music started bathing me with emotions and found myself crying helplessly… string instruments like violins have a knack to evoke melancholia ?

i chuckled to myself when i saw american boy as he walked into the kitchen at work while i was busy going through my brewing coffee ritual. he and i are like twinsies as we often wear same colored shirts / tops : case in point, i wore a black shirt today & he waltzed in wearing black. whenever i see american boy, i’m reminded that love is such a losing game.

a lot happened since my last blog and so a few updates: october ran away taking the rest of the leaves. the day before halloween i came home to find a kiddie drawing on my front porch. it brought me so much joy and it was done by scott’s (my neighbor) daughter. her name is kinsley (at first i thought her name was kinthia). she is 7 years old and one day i had a brief convo when i let out my twin boy cats for some sun and fresh air out in our backyard and she was playing with their dog. though i don’t do halloween, i bought her some candies as this little gesture of hers gave me such pure pleasure.

patriots have lost another game sadly, but i’m ok as i’m pretty sure they will win the superbowl ! warriors, my fav basket ball team, have many baby warriors, and steph curry, and others are injured and needless to say, we won’t be making it to the playoffs… i’m fine with that as well and whenever the baby warriors are playing, i keep muttering to myself “i’m groot”

i’ve been limping a bit lately as i’ve a pinched sciatic nerve. not sure how it happened. i had a massage the previous day from another masseuse as my regular one was on vacation. and that same night, during sex, i got all twisted up and semi fell on to the floor (not much distance to fall as i only have a mattress and no bedframe) but the point is i have ended up in a weird angle and we continued to have sex which i later regretted as i ended up with some bruises and pains and this may have also twisted my hips  well serves me right !

thanksgiving was grand as i caught up with lots of shows and ate a lot.. slept a lot  ! boy went to visit his grandparents (he wanted me to go and i’m not ready yet. more of the point is will i ever be ?!?)

i have also bought astronomy binoculars a step towards buying a bad-ass telescope as i so badly want to look at the moons of jupitar and the rings of saturn ! speaking of planets, there’s a great semi-documentary on netflix called “mars”. and yours truly also bought solar binoculars to look at some sun spots and solar flares…  i will take a trip soon to cherry springs state park to have a star gazing picnic with the boy and i am going to join an amateur astronomers club…

i am planning to have some cozy long winter drives, day dreams and night theories… where in those long, midnight drives, somewhere in those letters of i love you’s i never said, in the creases of my month-old sheets and in the calls i never made, somewhere between the daybreak and quiet sunday mornings, between the lamp posts in the streets, between tonight and the first night i knew you, between the sounds of hellos, and the sound of my heart breaking – somewhere out there, darling, is a place where i’m still holding you in my arms.

(2019-12-03)

so far this january….

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

it’s been a handful of days since i moved into my new place. i haven’t unpacked yet. i probably won’t. my kids and i are still getting used to the new place. the first few days at the new place i tried recover from all the driving i did and the side effects of prednisone; when i was still taking prednisone, i literally felt the fat depositing on my tummy and my face and i was worried for a second but my newly acquired ability to breathe fully into my lungs won out; and oh my god, i was so hungry all the time… but once i finished the course, my fat deposits started to come off and my hunger diminished but then again, new set of problems crept in because prednisone acts by lowering the immune system responses; so my body hurts (and hurting), i feel a bit fatigued… but i am sure these will go away soonish…

i kept all the lights on in the house as it’s a new place and i don’t want my kids to slip and break their legs; also i haven’t quite figured out how to keep enough light so it’s not completely dark on account, i am not comfortable in total darkness.

my kids are happy and my plants are happy – already some of their leaves are budding. i have many lavender plants in makeshift pots – i have to find them suitable places and so far i spent my weekends sleeping or trying to familiarize myself with the shopping centre in my area.

i love the current neighborhood.  my original thought of buying a house somewhere near my old house is no longer firm and i may want to check out this area and if i find a house i fall in love with, i probably will stay here. all the shopping i need and usually care for is within few mins of my house and they are all near to each other and i am super happy like a kitty with a bowl full of cream. for example, the petsmart (where i buy kitty supplies) is right next to a super market where i buy things like paper towels and my starbucks french roast coffee !! i buy the beans and grind them for my morning coffee ritual !

when i get up in the morning, i make a bee line to the kitchen to start my coffee and while it’s brewing, i feed my kids while inhaling the sweet aroma of the same and i then pour my first cup of coffee. my french roast is the decadent pleasure of epic proportions that fits into a cup which i keep nestled between my hands, and i dream while i’m still awake and of visions that have me plotting a second cup of french roast goodness because another cup of this delectable delight is most definitely needed.

during the weekend (esp during winter time), i sit transfixed in front of a fire that entertains me with warm dancing flames, while my mind wanders and plots the biggest cup of coffee ever, and nostalgia of such past days wrap me up in in the warmest kind of embrace until i swear that i’m drinking a cup of pure magic. sigh. and it’s this delicious thought that makes me smile all the way.

but i digress  – in summary, i am surprised that i am happy with this little area where there is so much open space, open skies and i am pretty sure it will be filled with greenery come spring. can’t fucking wait ! and oh the other day when i was going to work, i saw a deer crossing the road and it made me smile.

my morning commute has been bit difficult but i am coming to terms with it…. the very first day i was to return to work this year, i was late as i couldn’t find parking for my car and when i finally parked, the train came into the station and i had to turn and get in my car and drove to work while informing my boss that i missed the train. there’s construction, apparently, since two years, and so there is this circuitous route one needs to take to get to the platform to get on the train and while i secretly am happy because i am burning some much needed calories with these everyday hikes to the platform, but while i’m actually hiking, i curse left and right.

there are many many people who travel into the city with me and i am not pleased as i would like to have the entire train to myself. but as i don’t own the train, i settled to just observe the people and i right away found out one glaringly obvious thing. everyone dresses up in the same way like stepford wives – professionally that is, with black slacks, and dressy tops and black or brown shoes and here i am, almost hobo chic… also my boss is trying to make me a well dressed girl but i am a tomboy and dresses and i don’t go well; my mother tried it before – having said that i probably would become one of the stepford people as i don’t like to stand out.

i am enjoying my train rides as within a few minutes into the travel, the sun comes up and i smile brightly – i read on my ride and i have finished the book “a thousand splendid suns” and i was angry when this brute of a husband was beating up on his wife and i couldn’t wait get back to my book when the protagonist found out that the love of her life wasn’t actually dead ! i was impatient all that day at work and when i was on the platform to catch my train i eagerly and greedily got back to my book. that book was a hard read for me as i am a card carrying feminist and any form of domestic abuse is not okay with me and i just can’t understand how women (and some men) put up with such stuff. i started rereading the book “perfume – the story of a murderer” by patrick suskind as i recently watched a series with the same name which mentions this book.

the other day my train was late and i was sitting on a bench surrounded by a sea of people and there was this elderly gentleman sitting next to me and started chatting with me: gave me tips on how to polish vinyl and plastic and how not to get dust on your leather shoes; and at this point, my train was running late and so the announcer came on the overhead speakers and was telling the same and then another train came in which goes to trenton and the announcer was painfully telling everyone that this particular train is express to trenton and not to thorndale (my train); the elderly gentleman told me, that there will be people who would get on the trenton express and then they would have to trek all the way back to city to get on the train to thorndale because in spite of the announcer repeating the message many times, people would be stupid enough to get on the wrong train; we both giggled loudly and all the other people standing around looked at us suspiciously.

this weekend is very important as my boys patriots are playing and i am not overly concerned as i know they will win.

a colleague and i went out to eat a bit and chat and during the conversation i told her that i like someone but as he has a girlfriend i am waiting for such a time he is single. she immediately asked if he is some one from work and though i almost got caught, i masked my answer with something else.

i try to stop time, whenever i am busy dreaming about you. the times when our eyes lock, and the times when i talk to you – trivialities – but precious. looped memories i play over and over again.  i lose myself within a world full of so little words and lots of feelings; waiting, may be for a moment when you take a chance on us and decide to see what may exist between your heart and mine. may be waiting for you to take that leap of faith and see what you might find and hopefully like; i’m sitting next to you in my mind, and discussing things – that life is all about living and taking chances when they appear; and discussing things like love which are often too fragile at the beginning and wondering if our love would continue to grow; and i continue to store all memories in a bottomless box; and may be hoping to revisit them in my (our) old age and relive !

but here we are – each of us lost in thoughts as we silently weigh the odds of us

et bonne année 2019

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2019/01/01

i have decided i’m going to be happy and started my life afresh, afresh, afresh.

self-appreciation. this is the one thing i always have hard time to learn. it is just too much. appreciating myself, of all things ? who would even do that ? but here i’m, smiling at my little achievements. appreciating my beauty nobody seems to notice. i have myself. i love myself. self-appreciation, checked.

last year has been weird and good for me, but thank the fuck, it’s finished. like alice, in wonderland, i ate a magical potion and shot up to the stars. it was full of hard lessons but good ones. so many things i have learned.  but i have finally arrived, not a final destination, but within reach. i learnt, that i must make a detour.

i’m in transition literally and figuratively speaking; and praise be to heavens for the discovery of prednisone. i finally gave in and took a course of them, as i was desperate to breathe. it was important as my breathing got harder and i need my lungs to function so i can pack up and move. i moved to a temporary rental before i could buy my dream house.

the rental house is a huge mansion which is a must for my platoon. but it came with almost everything which i don’t want in a house; it’s in a housing association complex; a row house; no garage; people everywhere; no fucking yard; if i open my front door, i’m literally in my neighbors lap; too fucking far from my work; again no fucking garage; but guys, i’m biting my tongue so goddamn hard as i deserve this punishment for not acting quickly when i should have.

a little background: i have been restless for a while; since my husband’s passing in 2014; i have been tormented and tortured and i think i may have (had) ptsd; i was frozen in time, unable to breathe, unable to move, unsure of myself; but time waits for no one. while i met some nice and generous people, they can hardly live my life for me.

and once the initial shock wore off, i realized that my life is a huge fucking mess and i had no active involvement leading up till this point in my life. i wiggled, i fought, i tried, i ran, to get out of this immensely fucked up situation i was in, and to make matters worse, i realized that not all who are in my life, family, or friends, needn’t necessarily be in my corner and in fact they were in my way. the more i tried to untangle myself, the tighter the tangles became and almost choking me to death.

fear made me numb and paralyzed for a while there. and my asthma started getting worse last october onwards and i took that as sign of things to come. i decided i need to move and when the opportunity presented itself, i decided i’m gonna move and start afresh. but the house i wanted to buy got delayed for some fucking reasons and i found myself homeless and i need to rent a place and well that was a fucking feat in itself as i hate lying under any circumstances and after pleading my case of 17 cats to a few landlords, i gave up and decided i will lie and so i’m here in my huge mansion with 17 kids and lying my tail off and said i only have four cats. at any given point, anyone who visits my house sees only three or four kids. one year, my parents stayed with me for a whole of three months and they only saw three cats and wouldn’t believe me when i said i have 20 cats.

i only have four carriers, and one of them is a very small one and so i had to make three trips. it was roughly 50 min ride (each way) to my new house and so i put in six hours just for the trips. i put two kitties in each carrier and transported six cats each trip. and i snuck in my kitties in the cloak of darkness and man i was a nervous wreck and i explained my feat of transporting cats to my friend barbara and we were laughing our heads off which is quite weird but satisfying.

my kids cooperated and were quiet when i moved them in, which was awesome. their faces played a symphony of emotions when i let them out of the carriers: satisfaction, triumph, smugness, consternation, confusion, realization, disbelief, horror. they all immediately found themselves hiding places which was hard to do as i only have six pieces of furniture. but hide they did and camouflaged themselves.

of all of my cats, cheeti, is a very shy kid and i had since 2002 (rescue) and even now, it’s her terms when i can or can’t pet her. she comes to me when she needs petting. when i tried to catch her, i inadvertently traumatized her again, but what can i do, i can’t leave her there by herself. i put her in the same carrier with a boy cat she adores. when i got her home, i felt bad for her and made another two hour trip back and forth, this time to get her the stuffed winnie the pooh bear. my husband bought me a lot of stuffed animals and this one is a largest of all, almost life size, and cheeti took a liking to this one and she sleeps on this bear.

my sleeping arrangements is another matter. i discarded the old mattresses and in an insane moment (i swear i wasn’t thinking straight) bought myself an “air mattress”. i’m not sure what made me do this because i have cats and they have claws. so here i have this mattress and i blew it up and then my cats jumped on, and now i have holes in the mattress which i tried to seal it up, but it keeps losing the air. so the first two days, was like this. i would blow up the mattress and go to bed on it and i would wake up in about three hours, in a puddle of air which resembles something like a hammock and not very comfortable; at times i even blew it up at 3 am or so and now i completely gave up on it and am sleeping on the floor on some blankets and left the air mattress to my cats which they all love and why not as it’s soft and fluffy. few very loyal cats decided they will sleep on the floor with their momma. and oh i did order a “normal” mattress but that gets delivered in a week or so.

i have put most of my stuff in a storage but i have brought my plants and my books and they are all downstairs and may stay there where i left them till i move again in six months. couple of boys helped me move out of my old place and into this new place. i really am thankful to doug who was always helping me and i would miss him at this new place. when they came to deliver my furniture, they pulled up to the back of the house so it’s easier but his pickup got stuck in the mud as it rained the day before. so a neighbor, john, helped them out of the ditch and now the kids are like, “that’s a husband material right there” and doug is like, you should bar-b-que and invite john. i told them that they can date him if they want as i’m quite capable of taking care of myself. what do i need a man for ? i have cats, books, and music, i have toys (and sandalwood) for sex, and i have this dreamy (literally and figuratively) relationship with american boy. so i’m good for a while !

i love this area in spite of it being so fucking far away from my place of work (drivingwise). but at night i can see the stars and there are no lights as it’s farm land and i’m fishing out my binoculars to stare into heavens and be mesmerized by the constellations. at my old place, my husband and i used to drive out of the city to look at the stars. but here, i can just open my curtains and look out at the sky. maybe i will also buy a telescope.

i started reading the splendour of a thousand suns (khaled hosseini). watched a few movies which are really different i thought; cloud atlas, bird box, perfume, the lobster, to name a few.

melodies and lullabies fill my ears each night. the night skies now a days are rarely starry but when they do, i look at them in awe and i wonder, if you’re looking at them too. if you think about me at all. i hold no expectations but the thought of you seems comforting and thus i wish upon the stars, for me to have happiness in various forms, like for example, you. it’s been ages since i saw you but patience, i tell myself, i will see you tomorrow.

full of beginnings, and sometimes it takes a while to adjust to the surroundings. this is how i feel, like there are too many chances and too much forgiveness, and when it fades i’ll realize, it’s no different with how things end.

i’m so thankful for the little blessings which came my way. there are ups and downs, sure, but life is all about choosing something and then sticking to it as much as one can, even if finding out most of them are bad choices. but i learn and that’s the beauty of it. and you learn just like i did. the days which were idle, i turned them into something worthwhile, no matter what.

new year doesn’t mean new universal laws. but i wish your 2019 be filled with hope, peace, and grace. hopefully, you will find your fulfillment in jesus, your purpose in helping others, your success in kindness, your mindset in generosity.

to a new adventure !

 

unspoken

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

think of me as a love letter between your fingers. cradle me and caress me. imagine that my spine is aged with a love that is older than my time on this earth. that my corners crinkle when i blush and that the creases in my body are similar to the scars on my thighs – i ‘ve been folded in two, in four. i don’t always fit my surroundings. imagine that i’m that ink stain that rests on your fingertips and that i carry permanent promises when you mark me and that i’m carved on paper and on bark, on bare walls and on crowded skies.

that i ‘m here for you to read on your loneliest nights. imagine that i weave my love through my words when i’m not there to weave my fingers through yours or toss your hair. that there is so much to say that my sentences run off the page. that despite this, i’m always ready to sign “yours” with a steady hand. i’m always ready to love you with a confident heart.

think of me as a love letter between your fingertips. come kiss my lips and open my lines. remember that i’m written in a language just for you; sometimes in braille, run your fingers on my body and read me; sometimes i’m written digitally, and that i stutter more when i write than when i speak – i’m still learning how to use certain words when you are around. be patient with me. know that my love screams louder than the pauses between unfinished syllables, the same way that it is more prominent than the miles between our souls and bodies. come and say hello to me and share your story with me.

share yourself with me.

for always keeping my fingers crossed

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

today is the first snow of winter 2017 and it’s snowing softly… it’s such a pleasure for me to see the snow fall. it’s like the whole damn city is getting washed of all it’s dirt and sins.

i keep thinking i need to open up the windows and let the change in and sweep out my past and all the memories.

now a days i am sleeping in odd angles on my bed because of my kids who are now in my bed. may be i should have gotten a california king bed.

my mood – “everything is blooming most recklessly; it it were voices instead of colours, there would be an unbelievable shrieking into the heart of the night – rilke”

it has been hard lately battling with myself and wanting an ordinary life and wanting someone to call my own. to come home to and to rest my head against his shoulder. i keep dreaming silly dreams like holding hands and walking around the streets lit with christmas lights.

you know how sometimes you bump into someone and you think they are really great ? you find it hard to sleep because thoughts of him keeps you awake and you spend a couple of weeks trying to find out all the little details, complicated conversations that seem to be opening up the way for something good.

things are good. but deep down, the probability of something so abstract actually happening seems a little absurd and so surreal. in spite of me keeping my heart checked, i keep dreaming about all these little things to do with him and the chances of these little wishes and dreams happening are slim to none, but i believe in the potential of my dream and so none of the realities matter.

i’ve been trying not to hold all of this against you, taking my time & biting my tongue, closing my eyes early, trying to put it all into perspective. it’s easy to place blame where it doesn’t belong, swollen with anger reflecting things i can’t wrap my fists around. the long drives i take at night and managing to pick a decent soundtrack of songs, i was so hushed keeping my eyes peeled for the reflection of deer eyes. but these days, i’m exhausted by the silences, all these sentences too jumbled to make sense, pulling them out of the patterns in my skin. there are too many risks i take without any understand of where i am going, what i am working towards, they keep tugging on every part of me.

i have swooned and i’m swooning and placed all bets on a losing (already lost) dream. and when all these dreams of mine come to a crashing halt, it shouldn’t really hurt or sting or feel like a sucker punch, because i knew it was coming.

but it does, and i don’t want to admit this but i have placed all my hopes in the wrong basket and i forgot to hide them before it was too late.