either way, i’m here

Between parking in downtown Philly and getting KFC for my kitty boy Sonu, I am going broke. My boy Sonu loves roast chicken and I used to get him rotisserie from my grocery store but one day I wanted french fries, so I went to KFC and I also got him chicken. (in case you haven’t noticed, i’m a vegetarian who buys chicken regularly for her kitties). Since that day Sonu only wants KFC, nay, he actually demands it, and he tuns up his pretty little nose saying he doesn’t want the store chicken !!

Parking in downtown Philly is expensive and I don’t want to take public transportation because Philly became kind of dangerous (crimewise) and I don’t want to end up in a hospital or dead as I have three kids and I don’t want to leave them as orphans.

So we reached December in reasonably good health and sane. November closed out with frigid temps and with blustery winds, which didn’t do any favors to my lungs. Since Fall set in, I have been debating whether I should leave my little window open or closed so my kitties can go in and out. I was like I don’t want to keep it open as it’s cold out but I was also like what if there is a fire in the house and my kids need to get out. In the end my fears won and I left the window open and with a little room heater on so my babies can warm up.

Last Tuesday (11/28) was particular brutal weatherwise. It was painful for me to move about as my airways completely closed. And lo and behold, when I got home that evening, it was quite windy and by the time I actually got up to my apartment out of breath and gasping for air, totally doubled over in pain, trying to get some air into my lungs and when I opened the door, I find my two boys guarding a very terrified little mouse who they must have brought in. God knows since when they were guarding the little mouse. I was thankful that they didn’t leave the mouse to roam and making me not acquire another pet; I put a shoe box on the mouse and sat down for a bit to catch my breath and did another the trip downstairs to release the mouse.

I’m tremendously and extremely pleased to let you know that on Tuesday (12/5) I came face to face with the Stranger I was hoping to bump into and I recognized him, partly, i think because of his sweater than his face and partly because of the intensity of his stare. I met him by accident at an unexpected moment. And of course, this time I made it a point to study his face. I think I know his name and he does have a very intense stare, and I was surprised to see his eyes are blue (?) and he looks down into your eyes, trying to reach and read your soul.  I am not sure what to do with this info so I just park it here for now.  I’m going to leave this here because I think sometimes we all need a reminder that we have done something right, we have left an impression upon a complete stranger, and that the other person also left an impression on you and that he filled in a gap or two for you.

I am also not sure what I am supposed to write about him, in here.  My blog is usually a place where I whine and complain. Sometimes, to polish my ego. Sometimes to state my opinions and present them to you as facts. Well also may be do a bit of grudge maintenance.  May be let you swing with my moods. Tell you a couple of secrets and then try to take them back

I’ll make this day a mile mark, to signify the encounter with this stranger. I don’t wish to know him because I’m afraid he will make me acknowledge my loneliness and force me to face to it. Needless to say, again i had no sleep that night and he is etching himself on my mind. I’m neither young nor stupid but all the same, I’m slightly worried that, now that I met him, I may be falling for him. Let’s all fall on our knees and pray that I won’t.

So I’ll probably bury him beside my bed, where I’m lying grounded through storms and slow extinction. This is what came from ways set in stone and weathered by shifting sands of absence; absence and fear masked as ambient tension.

fate

i have become bold in recent days, stripping each layer of myself, becoming hopelessly vulnerable again.i thought  i dreamt that i had something to say but i didn’t wake up in time to tell you. i have been a shadow and a hostage in your hands. i squeeze my fists together, the redness turning white, bare bone begging to be covered by your fluttering lips. but you won’t know me and you won’t come back. in this universe, i’m quite wide awake under the orange sky, my heart butterfly opened by a car crash dream. in another universe, i’m small and happy on a passenger seat, with you driving. like i imagined countless times. look, there is another broken dream lodged in my teeth. it’s almost tomorrow somewhere, but here now, today, feels like a tomorrow. i already had another life and in spite of doing my best to take a train departing to the opposite direction, here i’m at the same train station, holding onto the ticket for happiness and a clenched jaw. i thought i was getting better facing my darkness.  because whatever happens later, i’ll never escape what i’m. all these twisted, broken thoughts, please tell me they’re not all i’m…

i don’t know how to say that i’m happy for you with a smile on my face. how do you look someone in the eye that you love and tell them that you’re happy they found someone else ? i do so and i can feel my heart exploding inside my chest. but i’m happy for you, i truly am. i’m happy you’re happy, i just will always wish it was with me.

i wish you knew i will miss you in the loving ways and at least i didn’t lose you to death this time !

adieu american boy !