spring

Hello March !!

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Finally sun has come with bright light and warmth. Weather has been crazy and the equations went something like this

Warmth + no sun = Rainy

Sun + no rain = Cold

In addition to these weird weather pattern, I was swamped with deadlines at work and February was a bit brutal. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and not having sun didn’t help at all.  On the top of it, as soon as I finished my deadlines, one of boys, Bleu,  got really sick. He is 19 years old and he has onset of kidney disease. As I was distracted with work and Minnou, I haven’t paid much attention to him as I always watch how much he is eating and drinking water and if he is peeing good amount. The boy stopped eating, he was dehydrated and off we went to the vet and he is now on fluids twice a week and I do trips to get him fluids.

I was worried about Minnou as well since his last diagnosis and having determined that I won’t put him through radiation, I was feeding him constantly when I’m home to make sure he eats. I am to take him for another check up soon.  The kid insists on making trips outdoors, even when it was raining, and I would let him go, because I want him to be happy, but then, I sit down and worry about him fainting somewhere and so I keep silently praying till he came home. Moms, eh ? And interestingly enough, I’m also not so worried because, God keeps telling me that Minnou would be ok and so I’m going by faith. This week (March 8), I took him to another vet for a second opinion. And she put him on high dose of steroids and it seems to do good for my boy. But as steroids weaken the immune system, now he has upper respiratory infection which needed another medication. But still, God is good. My boy actually put on some weight and he seems to be in good spirits.  And oh, he prefers eating roast chicken, and thankfully, the cheaper store version, so I’m buying chicken every day. I know it’s $10 per day but I really don’t care. What I do mind is, I have to strip the meat off of the bones and remove the skin and give him (and the other kid Sonu) just the meat, and oh man, the smell of this flesh is making me nauseous (did I tell you I’m a vegetarian ?).

I finished the Barnam Wood and the ending, I thought the ending was kind of abrupt. Oh well. I started on Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (March 2nd), but got paused again as I have sick babies to take care of.

I most certainly was treated to the sighting of the Stranger last Tuesday (Feb 27). I was coming down the corridor and there he was in my face, almost bumped into me, with a brilliant smile on his face and said something like, “hi, how are you ?” in a hurry. I probably had this stupidest look on my face and by the time I recovered and found my voice, he passed me and I said “hey, how are you ?” to the space in front of me. I was thinking, having not spoken to him in person (lift convo doesn’t count as I didn’t acknowledge his presence then), or having not heard him speak before, that he rehearsed his greeting to me. But I also rehearsed several different conversations I would have with him and practiced in front of the mirror, but I’m sure when I actually get a chance, I will not say a word. For fuck sakes ! I’m an adult but I behave like a retard. And again yesterday (March 13) I was blessed with another sighting. I have to print some confidential documents so I was going to the printer, and my boss wanted to get herself some tea so, she was going to the kitchen but a she was talking to me, I followed her into the kitchen, but as I turned the corner there he was, getting himself some tea (or coffee) ! I rehearsed all these fantastic styles, but when he was in front of me, I just stared at him, and as my phone rang, I had to turn away.

Yesterday, I got home and I was thinking, this won’t do. Oh, btw, I found out he may be married or at least he has kids. So, he goes out of the window for sure. But I need to get over him. So, I’ve this cunning plan !! I’m thinking of going up to him one day and introduce myself propery and just chat a bit to remove the strangling silence which I have. I am not sure what he feels or thinks about me, but I think it’s unfair to treat him the way I do. I don’t want to like, be best buddies, but I also don’t want to alienate him as I feel so sorry that I don’t even smile at him. Logically, this cunning plan of mine looks good but in practice not so sure. Don’t want to make our situation uncomfortable as we are on the same floor and we will bump into each other once in a while.

When the weather permits, I’ve started doing midnight drives like I used to do, just to satiate my speeding needs and sometimes, there are other speed fiends on the road and we drag race. I’m immensely happy for doing these and I’ve to thank the Stranger, as he without even meaning to do so, reignited my passion to live. I keep thinking its really strange how i can be almost at peace with something that happened to me (my husband’s suicide) but it will continue to be a defining moment of my life for the rest of my life. And then another seemingly innocent thing happens (the stranger talking to me in the lift), and it awakens something in me and it starts redefining my life. It’s like, my life in two acts !!

Anyway, today the sun touched my face and it was glorious !!

waiting

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this year i’m planning a rain garden and plant some flowering plants which attract butterflies and humming birds. a peak into my messy living room and more plants are arriving via post shortly.

my baby plants are waiting indoors as i’m not skilled to knit them some tiny sweaters..  and seeds / bulbs still in boxes awaiting to be planted at the right time… but we are waiting…..

with spring’s arrival we too are re-birthed. begin the rituals of leaving cramped spaces to stretch and breathe fresh air once more. no longer frozen limbs need to be covered in layers of fabric. cast off the blanket, as a snake sheds it’s old skin. take time under the sun to warm and bronze thyself once more. we are like all those who exist during such a time must rejuvenate or be lost to continuous nights of cold. big flowers on twigs in sunlight and spring season in the garden

nature’s spring fever is infectious, yet you have no fear of catching such a bug… the world now wrapped within life’s ultimate hug.

rite of spring

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le premier février ! well technically it’s le 2 fevrier today. yesterday when i woke up i was greeting my cats with a happy “bonjour, aujourd’hui c’est le premier février” and my kitty boy horus thought it was just the bees knees and got very happy and excited and i figured out that he loved the sound of “le premier février” for whatever reason and so i kept saying it to him and he kept squeaking with joy ! oh yes my dears, i do speak in french to my cats and they are bilingual or trilingual as they understand english, french and speak meow. one time, (a long time ago as now i’m an orphan) i was talking to parents in my mother tongue and this was the first time my kids heard me speak in a different language and you should have seen their little faces which are full of exclamation and confusion !

honestly guys, it’s the most beautiful beginning for any given year and i’m goddamned pleased to have a whole month of spring / winter mix…. days are pleasantly springish and nights are winterish. i have started on my garden of spring mixes and ordered some potting soil and bulbs.

so the boy was in netherlands (he is back now) attending some training conference and i was in church on friday evening for sabbath services when he started texting me on the various things he thinks are relevant to “what makes an innovative society ?” and some of his weird thoughts included, mushrooms, being gay,fascism…. i was struggling to not giggle and i finally had to shut off my phone.

been a long week in a series of long weeks (all good but very tiring) and now it’s time to settle into some hot chocolate and gobble up a night you & i will love. boy and i went to bach’s “mass in b minor” at the kimmel center. it was done by philly orchestra conducted by yannick nézet-séguin. i love dolling up in sequenced gowns and giving the car for valet parking. afterwards boy took me to a gay coffee bar and said “you can enjoy the view” for it’s full of good looking gay men and alas, what a waste !

this week’s one of the highlights is american boy pouting for two days, and i believe he is still pouting, for reasons, which makes me super confused as i’m not sure how to translate. his name is stuck in my teeth like popcorn. do you feel me in your bones, like i’m an inescapable force. constantly finding ourselves in the same orbit. like i’m sure how the moon felt the first few millennia she spent struggling to break off course.. nature is absolute. no matter how we try and deny it.

for the record, i wasn’t chasing him as he showed no interest and he can ask me out if he chooses to, but he also should realize that unlike all the women he is used to, i’m super intelligent, opinionated & well read and not to mention i will knock him down if he tries to put me down. having said that, i’ve no intention of putting my life on hold while he is making up his fucking mind.

i named some people in my department as pea brains and i don’t have to explain why as the name is self explanatory. the boy is currently working on a short story based on the tidbits i feed him.

the first month of the year has been both refreshing and exhausting with equal measure. i started the year full of motivation and ideas ready to be explored, but sometimes, and by sometimes i mean always, life decides to throw some hurdles your way. i don’t want to dwell on the negativity though. they say, “better days are coming”, but love, sometimes, things don’t really happen. they don’t materialize; don’t work out. some things just don’t come better when you don’t start making something good out of the bad days.  i feel like a frozen dragon for now and but don’t count me out as my heart is still on fire.

Also, as it’s superbowl, go san francisco patriots !

2020-02-02

the phoenix

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the biggest lesson i’m learning is that nothing is as extreme or as permanent as our emotions convincing us they are. nothing is certain and things are always fluctuating and there are always exceptions and there are always mistakes. there is always pain and there is always love. everything is one delicate touch away from changing.

spring is here and i’m elated. i’m totally engrossed in working on my body, my projects, sports (basketball).

today i got my annual health checkup results and i’m the poster child of health, yo ! on the plus side, all my numbers are where they should fall, but on the negative side, my values for vitamins like b12, vitamin d have fallen as these come from mainly animal products. not to mention the goddamn fat percentage…. but whateves !

exercise-wise, my body is shaping up nicely… my boobs are firmer and perkier, my bum is getting into a nice round shape, my abs are still squishy but firming up slowly… i keep telling myself, patience and patience. i wish i could increase my workout time a lot more, but it’s hard for now as i still have weak lungs and now that i’m a vegan it’s trying to figure out the right supplements and eating the correct food groups everyday.

i am pretty sure my neighbor is stalking me… not like a creepy, i will hold you in my basement stalking way, but more like i have a crush on you kind of a way. one day i just came home and he came out with some excuse and of course, i introduced myself (i’m not a neanderthal) and he offered to shovel my snow…. this was when we still had snow. i told him no, thank you. i said no as he has a girl friend, and people are crazy and i don’t want some crazy bitch come after me and cut my face, or shoot me or worse, kill my cats. and hence his crush stalking. lol what’s with men anyway ? if you are looking at another woman, you know you are in a wrong relationship and why are you hanging on to a sinking ship… i do hope the sex is great for you to put up with shitty relationships (i’m sorry but i always think of sex more than i think of anything else, oh only next to my cats… and books… ). i have a rule, i don’t get involve with anyone who is not free. also, he is a professional baseball player (now coaching) and he has a daughter and he is cute with a beard, but i hate baseball.

speaking of which, my friends weren’t happy that i’m not involved with anyone and especially me not pursuing american boy. i’m like what do you want me to do, flash my pantyless crotch at him ? i’m happier when i am not in any relationship and i’m nursing a goddamned broken heart. what if missing you never stops ? instead of trying to fill up the hole you left, i will plant flowers on its edges and watch them grow. because time will never heal wounds (they lied), but time will make it easier to cope. easier to live life as i knew it before you.

so much for me deciding that i won’t date for a while. yesterday i got home, fed my kitties, and went out again, as i have to buy some food stuff. so of course, i was speeding as per usual, with my windows down, my hair blowing in the wind, singing at the top of my lungs to french pop which is blasting loudly and i’m happy… and then this other tricked up car started drag racing and lol, of course, i took the challenge and we both were speeding and then at the red light, he started talking to me telling me that he loves my car and i returned the compliment. and then he followed me to the giants where he bought me a bouquet of flowers telling me he would like to drag race me. he is italian (freshly imported) and i would have loved him to be french but close enough ! i love romance and i love the fact that he chased me and gave me flowers ! and yes, i’m gonna go on a date with him this weekend, what choice do i have, he compared me to monica bellucci !! she is a goddess and i’m preening;  and we will race against each other during the memorial day weekend. it’s been a while since i have raced and i have to get my car checked and probably write a will leaving my cats to some one

other miscellaneous things: last weekend, i finally went and checked out the trails in the woods and it’s beautiful ! i love the fresh air and walking on still crunchy leaves.

i drove into work today as i have to meet the “eyetalian” for a coffee after work and while driving into the city, i saw “let notre dame burn” on a bus shelter. i’m not the one who gets emotional over anything getting destroyed except that the building has history and no i don’t believe that they have the “thorn crown” which jesus wore when he was crucified as catholic church is best in propagating false christianity. and this is for you… there is no reference to lent in bible and christians who follow all these pagan rituals in the name of christianity make me sad. they don’t keep sabbath, which is one of the ten commandments, but they eat unclean foods like pork, shellfish, and celebrate the pagan fertility festivals like easter and christmas. (also ps: i love talking to you in between these lines).

american boy surprised me by telling me (i asked) he watches peaky blinders and i thought to myself, if he ever ends up in my bed, (he probably would be eating something) & i’ll be holding a cat or two in my arms), we can at least discuss this as there are very few things which are common between us.

recently, a friend of mine told me that he is moving away as he took another job. and he asked me what are you going to do when i go away ? i didn’t tell him this, but i’m used to people leaving me. i’m like a tree rooted in place and everything else changes around me like seasons.

time ! the bane of our existence… time wears us out like pebbles shaped by constant kisses of the sea. it smooths our edges, allows us grow into different people. sometimes things just work a lot better the second time round. at least that’s what we should believe. sometimes we need space to evolve and to become who we really meant to be. and to become who they mean to me. and eventually, everything falls into place, even if its many years down the road…

14 avril, 2019 6:20 p.m.

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every year i await the months for winter to end and spring to thaw and it always fills me with awe… spring arrives in april like a warm sludge down my throat with intense humidity but i welcome any warmth with a hunger for the hurt because it hurts to heal and i’m going to take the sun in both hand and heart.

april comes with the sounds of bees on the wind like a sound from the future. the sun glows brightly and says everything is just about a few minutes away and that we should stop waiting for something we already have… the frost melts, the ground softens as if it’s healing.

nature is so goddamn sneaky… one day the trees were bare and dead and the next day there were itsy bitsy buds with life and being the first to be part of something so large.  when i am on my the platform waiting for my train, i see all these trees majestically poised and silently waiting for the spring thaw and then i saw these little buds, which made me smile and now they are voluptuous with green gently and happily swaying in morning breeze. the ground is soft in the face of life. the soft petals drink up the mist as the daffodils cradle the sun. i quench myself as something cracked and aged, as dry as starlight, in the wet swoons of april.

i have been a fucking social butterfly this month… i have gone to my department’s dinner event as i’m pretentious bitch and the dinner was at a great restaurant in philly where the food is to die for. i usually avoid social scenes as they are mind numbingly boring but i’m kind of missing having a social life which involves night life. i seriously need to find like minded people who would like to go dancing and having dinners at pretentious restaurants and go dancing with me.

i also went to a sixers basket ball game because my boss couldn’t go and she asked me to and i was actually off that day because i had to go to traffic court (remember i got a goddamn ticket ! and while waiving of my inspection ticket, they got me on another technicality ie i didn’t change my address on the registration & license. bastards ! the judge preached me why i needed to notify, & boy did i learn a very expensive lesson as i had to pay $150). if i had to go to work, i wouldn’t have gone to the sports event unless i get off early to go home and feed my kids and then go to the event. the people who organized it had a nice little suite and i know this is more like networking and i have nothing in common with people who goes there, and i’m not a sixers fan but it is an opportunity to feel like a vip and also i wanted to have the experience of actually going to live game. after politely excusing myself, i have made myself comfortable by getting a good seat where i can scream at the players as i have this habit of totally getting immersed in sports and usually scream at my tv (or a tv in a restaurant). but people came by and started chatting with me much to my dismay and i tried to multi-task but well, it’s ok as my boys, the warriors, weren’t playing below on the court; at one point, the partners of the company who organized this came and sat with me and one of them is a patriots fan and the other eagles fan. so i was making fun of the eagles loss, and he goes, “at least my team’s owner wasn’t in headlines with a sex scandal and doing dishonorable things”. it’s a jab at kraft getting caught with a prostitute and i answered him “he is a old and a widower and he got a happy ending and while i don’t condone it, let it go”. for me tho, the most mind boggling question is, he is a very rich guy and there are bleach blonde women with no morals and who would not only give a handjob or a blowjob or do anything else to have a rich life style and they must be fawning all over him and why does he even needed to go to such a place. had conversation with a couple of foreigners (scottish and aussie) and i can never understand why americans are so uptight with foreigners and they are more conservative than europeans.

tim from work, started teasing me about liking the best sports teams (aka patriots, warriors) and so everytime he makes fun of me, i started to print out a tom brady photo and put it on his desk.

my breathing is going great but the recent humidity made me wheeze a bit. i accepted asthma as part of my life, and am going to do whatever is necessary to keep breathing and hopefully not let it affect me negatively. i’m slowly increasing my work out time, and i’m nowhere near the time i want to spend working out but i’m getting stronger… clean eating is honestly the best thing which came out of my asthma. i recently found some vegan cakes and cookies at whole foods which translates to me being a potato #sidelook

i’m eager to explore the trails near my house and i wanted to do it this weekend, but sunday kind of blurred into chores and also clouds were hanging down low, & my laziness set in before i knew it. i made myself some gardein crab cakes and stuffed them into some tortis along with plantains, lentils. i also found out that burger king is now offering plant based meat whopper and i can’t wait to go and get one !

in other news, i’m house hunting and started looking at various options. i’ve a particular house in mind and i haven’t so far found it, but i’m getting ready for the time when i actually find it. i’m unsure at this point if i would ever find a bloke to settle down with and i’m kind of tired of dating men who i know i’m never gonna fall in love with or men who are so goddamn young. i genuinely want to have a loving and lasting relationship, but currently my feelings and my brain are at an impasse. and this is for you ! you made an effort to talk to me (twice) which made me suspicious – our silences are beautiful anyway as my heart extends into yours respite from life’s worries, and drizzling wonder over sepia-tinted days to linger softly within these glittery moments, i wrote love letters to you in my mind and that’s where they stay, and i dangle tender thoughts etching whispered dreams, wishing you were mine. i’m here because of failures of my past. i can trace the scars when i run my fingers on my heart and i just wish that you don’t give me new ones.

lying down on my bed while dusk has set upon the lips of the sky and the music is playing in the background with a song that feels like it could last forever inside of this memory, i love songs that stop time. like this moment is more real than any previous frame that you will revisit. i am hypnotized by the way rhythm and lyrics spoken with a tone that makes it feel as though you’re floating through a garden in space and everything is ethereal and unreal, but with the slightest touch, you’re back home and as long as you have that moment inside of your heart, you know that everything will always be alright.

breath of spring

/ mycatisafrenchspy / 1 Comment

life continues on as it tends to do…. in the years to come and when i reflect back, 2018 will be viewed as a year of growth and unexpected happenings.  a year that was full of so much joy, some tough and even gut-wrenching moments, but also a year that revealed a few unexpected moments. one of these unexpected moments proved to be quite endearing, and came in the form of leaving my marital home. it was emotionally painful but it was a good decision. it was something which i tried to hang onto, but god physically pushed me out and i was forever grateful for that.

and i’m excited about the promise of warmer weather and gorgeous wildflower blooms. winter is still holding on in many places, and it’s goddamn cold still, especially in my neck of the woods, but i’m excited as i’m surrounded by hills and i can’t wait to find some beautiful flowers to blanket them… at least i hope. getting distracted by beauty is a real thing and i honestly can say i can get lost in it.

the other day i got a ticket, alas not for speeding as i welcome a speeding ticket but because of not getting state inspection done; i was stuck behind this state trooper and then he stopped me for not having a current sticker which i actually forgot and in a way i’m thankful to the state trooper as for my lexus boy, i maintain below 5000 miles in a year so i can get an inspection waiver as he never passes inspection because he is tricked out to do drag racing… and then the trooper has the audacity to say to me that he was admiring me in his rear-view mirror and then asks me ‘where are you going ?’ i was like ‘i’m going to petsmart’ to which he replies, so you have one or two… i wanted to slap him. and now i have to go to traffic court and contest the ticket.

i’m like alice in veganland and it’s been almost a month since i have become vegan and i’m quite elated to tell you all that my wheezing is much under control and lately i’m not gasping for air like a fish out of the water ….as i’m a trained scientist, i’m keeping a log and  i’ve been experimenting on myself regards to how my asthma behaves with what i eat, and also i read a really informative article about asthma on an ayurvedic website. i’ve started cooking again as the stores and restaurants are not super friendly for me. i have been making yummy indianized meals with plant based meats and one such yummilicious curry needed rice as a base, and i did and lo and behold, my lungs started wheezing…. i learnt my lesson and i decided i won’t make the same goddamn mistake again. i have taken my kids (coops) to a vegan restaurant and i told them, if they didn’t like the meals i will buy them a burger from max brenner… but the kids loved the vegan food, and i kid you not if i say this, i can totally serve vegan meals and no one would know the difference and in fact, one would feel refreshed instead of groggy and heavy. i have to actually cut down on processed vegan meats and get back into veggies… if all goes well, (ie once i become my past self) i will cut off oil as well. oh, i would give or do anything to marry a vegan chef ! i have a list of people i would like to marry, just an fyi and out of all, i would love to marry dh lawrence !

oh, i also started wondering that i may put on more weight but i am ok with it as instead of looking like a potato because of steroids, i can now look like potato because i’m eating good and clean food… best reason to be fat !!

now a days i keep meeting a girl and she and i pass by each other every day. she reminds me of myself when i was younger and stylish…. and i’m motivated to see if i could revert myself back to the days when photographers gave me their card and begged me to model for them… or men chatted me up with stupid pickup lines like you must work as a model (and i would be in a t-shirt and jeans with beat up sneakers) or when random people gave me bouquets of flowers… so i am challenging myself to see if i could get the reaction though i am no longer in my twenties i don’t look past thirty and so i have  something to work on and keep myself occupied.

i let my boss know that if my salary doesn’t improve considerably there is a chance that i will be leaving next year. she doesn’t want to lose me and tbh i don’t want to go, but if i were to quit working in 5 to 10 years, it’s imperative that i should get into investing asap which translates to working for a high paying salary for a few years. and this way i have a full year to work with the headhunters to get the best deal in case my company doesn’t meet the salary i want.

friday was not a great day. i am currently reading “the time traveler’s wife” (a few more pages to go, but haven’t finished yet as i know that the time traveler is gonna die and i’m prolonging his death by not reading) and i was at the part where she keeps losing babies and before she loses them she dreams. before i lost my son, christian, i dreamt as well and they were really weird dreams and nightmares and so it was physically painful for me to read this part and i was silently crying into my ipad, when my fellow passenger (goldman sachs) gave me a tissue… gosh when i remember the painful parts of my life, i wish i could time travel and go to a happier moment and i just curl up there and not leave. (goldman sachs started getting his train from my station for reasons and we sit together most of the time and he tries to make conversations and i try not to encourage him, as i’m still sulking at myself for putting aside american boy, but it is good to have other options especially because he is a reader and he does seem like he has an iq of 150+, so he probably can hold intellectual conversations with me and i probably don’t have to strangle him or hang myself out of sheer boredom !)

speaking of time travel, i binge watched the oa on netflix (it’s about dimensional jump) and believe me if i tell you that i totally waited two years for season two of this show and it hasn’t disappointed me… i also watched a spanish film “mirage” which is also about time and space, and i was thinking what are the chances of this happening that i’m totally involved in time and space related stuff and whenever i’m looking out of my bedroom window, i keep thinking to myself that if any aliens are just happening to be passing by they must take me with them……. also, in 2013 i did see an ufo.. it was an october night and all the leaves fallen off and so i could clearly see the sky from my kitchen window and i was washing dishes and i screamed loudly and grabbed my phone and by the time i put my pants on (remember, yours truly, when home, runs around with no pants on) and ran out screaming for jace to join me, the ufo was just a tiny little thing in the sky. needless to say for several days since then, i camped out shivering waiting for them to reappear and they haven’t. and if you say i have just saw a plane, i will slap you because i’m an intelligent being who can distinguish between a plane and an ufo.

i have this habit of writing my thoughts composing them on gmail, and saving the drafts and i was clearing out my drafts and i found this list which i put together sometime way back in 2002 titled “ things that break my heart a little each time…………..”

abrupt goodbyes after long phone calls  / when you can’t say no to your friend who eats your fries (it was my husband jace before we were married and after married) / people littering the streets /  how underrated some of the best books are / every time a girl speaks about feeling unsafe / kids who’ve learned swear words a little too early / women denying the need for feminism / people misunderstanding the meaning of feminism / when old books can’t be saved from wear and tear / ice cream falling onto the floor / seeing my mom cry / favourite restaurants shutting down / bookstores being converted into clothing stores / the sequel of a book/movie that just doesn’t live up to the first one / when people while texting type “lyk dis” / reading my diaries from high school / nail paint chipping on the very same day i applied it / a promise broken by my father / reading the news / goodbye hugs that are too short

i probably should update this list…..

i’m sitting on my bed, freshly scrubbed and after the week i had, i’m thankful for: poems about love, a fresh bag of veggie chips (still unopened), every train ride home from work, peaches and plums, countdowns, unmade plans, ghosts, kissing the tip of my kitties noses.

i am looking forward to spring / summer and i already started putting together my reading list… the other day my boss saw my book list and insisted i give her a copy of that which i did as she liked my list…

*sigh*

some days my world is full of bright stage lights that illuminate the shadows where i hide; and of rivers of coffee; and of hope and passion and plays; and of sleepless nights and poetry and essays on the importance of perseverance; and some days its full of miyazaki movies and almond milk; of damp and dreary days and cuddling up with my furry babies; of blue skies and walks on the dried leaves making crunchy sound; and of rilke’s third elegy and of double crossed legs in short skirts.