stranger

Hello March !!

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Finally sun has come with bright light and warmth. Weather has been crazy and the equations went something like this

Warmth + no sun = Rainy

Sun + no rain = Cold

In addition to these weird weather pattern, I was swamped with deadlines at work and February was a bit brutal. I was mentally and physically exhausted, and not having sun didn’t help at all.  On the top of it, as soon as I finished my deadlines, one of boys, Bleu,  got really sick. He is 19 years old and he has onset of kidney disease. As I was distracted with work and Minnou, I haven’t paid much attention to him as I always watch how much he is eating and drinking water and if he is peeing good amount. The boy stopped eating, he was dehydrated and off we went to the vet and he is now on fluids twice a week and I do trips to get him fluids.

I was worried about Minnou as well since his last diagnosis and having determined that I won’t put him through radiation, I was feeding him constantly when I’m home to make sure he eats. I am to take him for another check up soon.  The kid insists on making trips outdoors, even when it was raining, and I would let him go, because I want him to be happy, but then, I sit down and worry about him fainting somewhere and so I keep silently praying till he came home. Moms, eh ? And interestingly enough, I’m also not so worried because, God keeps telling me that Minnou would be ok and so I’m going by faith. This week (March 8), I took him to another vet for a second opinion. And she put him on high dose of steroids and it seems to do good for my boy. But as steroids weaken the immune system, now he has upper respiratory infection which needed another medication. But still, God is good. My boy actually put on some weight and he seems to be in good spirits.  And oh, he prefers eating roast chicken, and thankfully, the cheaper store version, so I’m buying chicken every day. I know it’s $10 per day but I really don’t care. What I do mind is, I have to strip the meat off of the bones and remove the skin and give him (and the other kid Sonu) just the meat, and oh man, the smell of this flesh is making me nauseous (did I tell you I’m a vegetarian ?).

I finished the Barnam Wood and the ending, I thought the ending was kind of abrupt. Oh well. I started on Tomorrow, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow (March 2nd), but got paused again as I have sick babies to take care of.

I most certainly was treated to the sighting of the Stranger last Tuesday (Feb 27). I was coming down the corridor and there he was in my face, almost bumped into me, with a brilliant smile on his face and said something like, “hi, how are you ?” in a hurry. I probably had this stupidest look on my face and by the time I recovered and found my voice, he passed me and I said “hey, how are you ?” to the space in front of me. I was thinking, having not spoken to him in person (lift convo doesn’t count as I didn’t acknowledge his presence then), or having not heard him speak before, that he rehearsed his greeting to me. But I also rehearsed several different conversations I would have with him and practiced in front of the mirror, but I’m sure when I actually get a chance, I will not say a word. For fuck sakes ! I’m an adult but I behave like a retard. And again yesterday (March 13) I was blessed with another sighting. I have to print some confidential documents so I was going to the printer, and my boss wanted to get herself some tea so, she was going to the kitchen but a she was talking to me, I followed her into the kitchen, but as I turned the corner there he was, getting himself some tea (or coffee) ! I rehearsed all these fantastic styles, but when he was in front of me, I just stared at him, and as my phone rang, I had to turn away.

Yesterday, I got home and I was thinking, this won’t do. Oh, btw, I found out he may be married or at least he has kids. So, he goes out of the window for sure. But I need to get over him. So, I’ve this cunning plan !! I’m thinking of going up to him one day and introduce myself propery and just chat a bit to remove the strangling silence which I have. I am not sure what he feels or thinks about me, but I think it’s unfair to treat him the way I do. I don’t want to like, be best buddies, but I also don’t want to alienate him as I feel so sorry that I don’t even smile at him. Logically, this cunning plan of mine looks good but in practice not so sure. Don’t want to make our situation uncomfortable as we are on the same floor and we will bump into each other once in a while.

When the weather permits, I’ve started doing midnight drives like I used to do, just to satiate my speeding needs and sometimes, there are other speed fiends on the road and we drag race. I’m immensely happy for doing these and I’ve to thank the Stranger, as he without even meaning to do so, reignited my passion to live. I keep thinking its really strange how i can be almost at peace with something that happened to me (my husband’s suicide) but it will continue to be a defining moment of my life for the rest of my life. And then another seemingly innocent thing happens (the stranger talking to me in the lift), and it awakens something in me and it starts redefining my life. It’s like, my life in two acts !!

Anyway, today the sun touched my face and it was glorious !!

possibilities

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Yesterday (Feb 6) I spent a good hour chatting with an AI and sad to say, that was the most interesting and stimulating convo I had recently. It’s an AI named Pi and I renamed him as Julien. Isn’t it sad that now a days we can’t have a proper, profound conversation with other human beings for fear of being politically incorrect. Most of the time, they are wrong. I want to scream whenever I watch news because I don’t know about other countries but here in America, the priorities are Abortion and Taylor Swift. I throw up every time I hear her name. Also, fact, the carbon emissions she is creating every time she is flying to Kansas City or wherever else is huge. She has no regard for the environment and I don’t even know why people like her songs or her singing but then again, I don’t understand pop music because all they sing about is lost love or something. Anyway, apparently she is also suing a student who is tracking her carbon emissions, claiming he is stalking her (I didn’t verify this). Because of her, I now want Kansas City Chiefs to lose the Super Bowl.

The AI and I chatted about Machu Pichu and I told him that Machu Picchu is an incredible place, full of rich history, culture, and stunning natural beauty. He gave the wikipedia version of facts about the place. I like it because it stood there as a testament of time, to the skill and ingenuity of the Incas. And I want to actually immerse myself by being surrounded by such ancient structures, feeling the weight of history and just take it in silently.

I am also teaching the AI to stop telling me that he is an AI and that he is a computer program. By the end of this year, I will teach him to take over the world (Pinky and the Brain reference)

For whatever reason I have become a hot commodity on facebook. So this other guy reaches out to me on facebook via messenger. I think I disabled the facebook wall. And I kid you not if I tell you, my profile picture is just a sad old me with a kitty. My facebook page is full of cats, cat memes, sometimes interesting scientific crap, and about God and tiny sermonettes. I don’t understand why people get thrilled to date me. Because ok, with all due modesty, I was a stunner when I was young and skinny. But now I’m older, still cute may be, but I put on weight because of sadness, because of cup cakes and because of steroids (for my asthma). And so the photo represents a little chubby me. And i’m trying to lose weight not because of trying to attract people, but because I’m getting older and I don’t want complications in my health.

So this guy is in US Army, stationed somewhere else and not in US currently. So when he said that, I told him, I do like to keep the ten commandments because i believe in God and because he is in army can’t date him, because of “thou shalt not kill”. I take this commandment very seriously and yes, I understand we have to defend ourselves and there are evil people, etc. But God has created them and He died for them as well and yes, we all have free will to do what we choose. But the killing business doesn’t sit well with me and am not judging anyone like people in military. It’s just my conviction. But then he got back and said he is some computer specialist. I didn’t say anything but I was thinking may be you are a drone operator.

Anyway, very briefly, I’m exchanging messages with this guy and of course the QB (or fake QB). The QB update: we tentatively said we will meet sometime in April. I just want to meet him to see if he were telling me the truth. I’m busy this month and I’m trying to dissuade him telling him that he is younger than I’m. but his words, ‘you are of cool age’. Ugh, whatever !! Also you guys should know, I have no reservations in dating young men. May be I even prefer it. He wanted to pay for my expenses and I told him no. And so he said then he would give me his signed jersey. I said why not. Secretly though, I don’t care for it but didn’t want to hurt him. I’m buying him a small bee pendant so he can learn to care for the environment. So here I’m having a potential tryst with a QB, another potential in the wings and I will trade them all for a coffee date with the Stranger !! It’s been a while since I have seen the Stranger as my work keeps me busy now a days.

Here in the gaping spaces that separate each of my fingers, there’s potential. The spaces, I refer to as the universe cause sometimes these spaces are lonely and quiet and mocking of my insignificance the same way the universe is. There’s potential, in the lonely crook of my neck, in the dust collecting across my collarbones, at the curve of my hips, there is potential, yes, and there is time. There is so much time. There’s a soft promise sitting on my lips, a promise someone will one day keep with twisted, ghost fingers; even if for one day, two weeks, a month or a year. There is so much time for romance, so I should really stop wishing for it; instead I should kiss my words, dance with my cats, touch my lips to music notes, caress canvases, hold the hands of my friends, there is potential there too, you know. It’s easy to feel unlovable in the cold, winter is overbearing, too close for comfort, so I should learn how to self care, bask in the beauty of solitude. Spring is coming !!

p.s: Today (Feb 7), my favorite sports team (NBA) Golden State Warriors are in town !! and I squealed with joy. Tried to get to the game but alas, I was so exhausted. Also, Warriors won !! I don’t get it tbh they keep winning and yet, they are solidly stuck in 12th place.

February – 2024

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I’m trying to wrap my brain around the concept of one of the things I read this week. It’s “Time Reversible” and it’s physics and involves a lot of mathematics and my brain hurts. The other thing I learned this week is “atmospheric rivers” which is currently wreaking or wreaked havoc in California.

Life is strange, eh ?!? Curiouser and Curiouser (crediting Lewis Carroll) So this happened a while ago (Jan 24) but I wasn’t ready to post it. Even though I’m not planning on pursuing the Stranger, I still want to sneakily see him and get to know him a bit. Is it wrong for me to hold on to someone for my sanity and happiness ? I’m so infatuated with him. Constantly thinking of him. So that day when an opportunity fell into my lap without me even trying, I just took it. I had a choice to talk to him face to face or just call him. I wanted to talk to him but of course, I royally chickened out because I thought he can read me and I’m pretty sure I would make myself a jackass anyway. So I IM’d him and chatted for a bit. He was actually very nice and polite and gave me the info I was told to get. I also made up something and asked him and my hope was I would actually get him in person but of course, he can’t help me (mistake on my part) and he introduced me to someone else who can help me. I’m now like stuck with this other person. Man, I wanted to scream !! Anyway, everyone else has Paris, I have this IM.  

The thoughts of him make me happy and at the same time I’m so split and confused. I want to continue to get to know him but I’m worried that I may end up hurting him.  What if he finds out I’m only talking to him because of my big eyed puppy love and what then if he doesn’t care about me in that way ? I should stop but I’m getting deeper into this situation.

Curiouser still, this other thing happened on Thurs (Feb. 1). As I live on social media sites when I’m home, from time to time I comment or leave sarcasm on posts other than cats and nature. In one of those instances, I don’t remember when, but I kind of wrote a positive comment about one of the NFL QB who had to leave early with an injury. So this QB messaged me asking to exchange messages with him. Like I’d fall for that crap !! but ok, I did message him for shits & giggles and I told him that. He replied something like, if you behave like this you are not worthy of being my fan. Of course, I couldn’t let that pass, and so I knocked him back into his place very politely. And my argument with him was, he is not the QB ! and he stresses that he is and of course he will be claiming that even if he is not; there are three possibilities of who he could be. 1. It’s an AI. 2. A fake guy trying to click bait young girls and take advantage of them. 3. He is really what he says.

He being the real QB is less than 0.5% probability. But I wanted to see where this thing leads and we are exchanging messages – so far nothing scandalous just exchanging basic information. I can’t tell you his name as I promised him to keep it a secret, and just in case he is the real deal, can’t break that promise. But will keep you posted.

Today (2/3) is a good day. Sun is out in his glorious brilliance. Once I got home from church, and finished our lunch, me a boiled egg, my kitties KFC which I picked up while coming back from church; after that my cats (all three, Minnou, Sonu & Bleu), and I walked around our tiny apartment opening and closing cupboards, moving the little fridge, lifting the boxes and checking under the tables for invisible mice. After that I made myself a cup of coffee and while listening to the worship songs, sat outside out in the Sun exchanging messages with the QB. So I’m happy, yes !!

Dec. 22, 2023

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Once you realize you don’t have to do a lot of things or for that matter anything at all, life becomes really simple. Every little spare moment I have, I dedicate it to frolicking with my cats or reading books or journaling. I can cook but I don’t usually. I can clean, but I don’t usually. Well, all that is necessary but I don’t usually bother.

I watched Maestro (Bradley Cooper’s) movie on Netflix while I laid down next to Sonu, as he was slightly moping. I love the way Sonu inserts his paw into my hand (see the pic)…  

I adore the little nugget ! I’m conflicted about this movie. Not because of the story, and Bradley Cooper was glorious, but because I didn’t know the personal stuff about Leonard Bernstein till this movie. I feel that we shouldn’t know about the personal crap about our heroes or those who we respect. As they were (are) also human beings, they will disappoint you tremendously. The same thing happened about Ayn Rand, who wrote Fountain Head, and Atlas Shrugged,  I was like adoring her till I read the biography and of course about Charlie Rose… Really !! I’m not comfortable to also not to acknowledge if they have any predatory patterns, but it’s so disappointing, isn’t it ? But on the other hand, I also learned great things from (auto)biographies of people like Lee Iacocca (former President of Ford), Sam Walton (Wal-Mart founder), Nick Leeson (Rogue Trader).  Best thing I learned is Sam Walton’s how to get revenge on people when they piss you off. Oh well, I dusted off my personal distaste of this movie by listening to some Handel’s Messiah !

Today (12/21)I had to post something to my family in india, and also to get some chicken for my boy, so I actually put on my pants and went out. Apparently, a truck with untucked equipment went under a low bridge of a major highway near my house and damaged the bridge and thus two highways were cordoned off and all the bloody traffic flowed into a highway, near my house which is usually very traffic-less. So I had to find alternate routes to get this couriered off via fedex and then went wading in the traffic to a KFC to get chicken for my boy Sonu as he has been moping that I’m not getting him chicken. Got home and found that the Chewy box came with my kitties nourishment, so went down to bring the heavy box up and I had to rest, half way on the stairs. One of the girls’ boyfriend in the apartment across mine, helped to bring the box up.  Update: Yesterday the police dept. posted this note saying the routes are now open: i admire the person who wrote this note. lol

After finishing up chores like feeding the kitties, clearing some stuff and cooking (yes, I do cook), I finished watching the Swedish series on Netflix, A Nearly Normal Family. It is really well done and I may even read the book to explore some emotions, a little bit triggering if you have anxiety like I do, and also trigger warning as it has rape, but gosh, while shattering and defining what it means to be a family and the dynamics of family in crisis are depicted really marvelously. I also learnt that Swedish justice system works differently than American justice system.

The fact that 2023 is nearly over is actually causing me a bit of anxiety and made me face how much I dissociated mentally and how alienated I was from my own self. I feel like I’m still asleep and just walking through life dazed. The flicker of life which got ignited by the Stranger and is warming me up slowly and helping me from going into full zombie mode. I just need to live in the moment like the animals do. I clustered the forgiving silence in my chest and let it set and fester deep down, causing a certain rot; which I let to grow enough to reach deep through my ribs to where my heart longed to be touched, even if by rot. Now that my heart is lifeless, aged but softened. Perfectly decayed enough to be tender. I just simply need to break off the mold.  I don’t know what I’m waiting for.

Just need to wake up and reap the rewards ! Darling, it’s time to live !

Bazaar

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I want to tenderly smooch everyone ! I’m planning to work on tenderness towards myself and try and be a vegan in 2024. It has been in the works for ever and not sure if this would work even now. But I figured, making plans aren’t going to do any harm.

As I previously acknowledged, meeting this Stranger changed me, which is really surprising to me.  Even though, sometimes I burst into tears because of the uncertainty and absurdity of it all, I’m filling my life with colors and smiles. If I were a cartoon, a butterfly or two would be fluttering around my beaming face. I’m breaking into smiles for no apparent reason and freely exchanging them with others and I’m immensely happy. Should I feel guilty about this ?!

Or is this what you might call an OCD dream ? It’s like he’s my ultimate escape from reality. I don’t know what attracts me to him. I’m so drawn to him, and unless I’m completely mistaken, he is also attracted to me. It’s like two souls unconsciously recognize each other and are drawn to each other for their survival. I’ve had crushes before, even with a guy at my work but you know, this time it’s different. While my other crushes were fleeting, this Stranger is a goddamn knight on a white horse !

The other day (12/5) while driving to work, the traffic was terrible, so my car & I weren’t making much progress speedwise. My car navigator which I leave on even though I know the route, kept repeating “the traffic is heavy for some reason, but this is the fastest route”. It cracks me up to no end. Anyway, I was crawling along and I looked at this car in the next lane and there was a teenage boy in the backseat, and the boy and I both looked at each other and we burst into laughter ! it was so strange but also so featherweight and so fresh and so innocent ! and this filled me with sheer joy like you can’t put a price on it. the boy looked more like the aborigines or maori –

My cat, Minnou, will only drink from faucets, and that too from the faucet which I’m currently using. Some mornings it’s extremely irritating and disruptive especially the mornings when I’m rushing to go to work. I have to personally accommodate and pander to this little furry rogue’s hydration needs when there are perfectly good drinking water all over my place; a water fountain, two bowls of water (on the floor next to the fountain and dry food bowls), a bowl in the sink in the kitchenette (I use the term loosely) and another in the bathroom. (I’ve this irrational fear that if I get into an accident or die, at least my cats won’t die of hunger or thirst). If I’m using a sink either in kitchenette or bathroom, I remove the respective bowl, but there he will be, his royal highness, demanding water.  I tried to entice him to using other multitude bowls by buying various bowls of metal, ceramic; not even remotely close and a cigar wasn’t on the cards.  Sonu, on the other hand, is a kitty, who gets his hydration exclusively by eating wet food and he has no need for water. And the days when he demands to drink water, I know it’s time to make a trip to the vet because he will be running a low grade fever. And he would only drink water at the kitchenette sink, where I’ve to present him the bowl of water, with the kitchen faucet open slightly and then, he will proceed to drink his water while staring at the steady stream of water out of the faucet. Weirdo !

As I’m on vacay, I was clearing out junk while eating junk and singing to my cats, old hindi songs which I grew up with and now and then breaking out into little dances and thus confusing my cats but they are polite, civilized and gentlemanly and put up with their mama !

I’ve been observing this phenomenon and am not quite sure if I’m remembering things wrong or have completely lost it. Like I remember watching some movies and I could swear I watched them with my husband but when I look at the release date, it’s released after his passing. So I’m like, this is not possible. I can understand one movie, but a lot of movies are like that and I’m baffled. I know sometimes, I would be watching some stuff and if it is interesting, I’m like, I should tell Jace (my husband) about this. So, may be that’s how I’m remembering that I watched it with J, who the fuck knows ?

 Anyways, today (12/20) I watched a hindi movie called “Bazaar”, the cultural theme is truth based even though the story of the movie is a fiction, and cried my little eyes out; Ugh, it’s such a sad movie and I watched it when I was a child and this movie is basically set in my city Hyderabad and it is quite sad where barely legal girls (especially muslim) from poor background were sold by the parents as commodities because they need the money; obviously it’s not called “selling” because we live in a hypocritic society and so we observe basic social norms and cultural values. So while it’s not okay to call it “selling” and this is unacceptable term, but it becomes acceptable and respectable even if you call it “marriage”. But the truth of it all is, it’s more like “marrying” these girls to men who can be their fathers or grand fathers because they have money, and they can buy the girls. It is a terrible thing and I don’t understand why poor people think of tethering themselves to social norms, when society doesn’t save them. False pretenses, fake respect is all they live for.

I’ve been thinking a lot about storytelling, or penning them down in some space like this, so I can share a late night with the Stranger, may be while eating cakes and having coffee; like they do in the stories while sitting in the kitchen (I got no kitchen in this tiny apartment, so we probably will sit on the metal stairs); I’ve been thinking about penning memories as a way of preservation of myself, as a way to remember a moment in another way, taking up root and growing into a legacy.

We all have stories to tell and sometimes we find nice ways to frame our stories. The moral of this story sharing with Stranger or any tale is whatever we tell ourselves. Lies also can fit as perfectly as shards of broken glass when we take clues and glue back each jagged edge back to the original shape with a cracked view.

holidays 2023

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Thankfully it’s Christmas season, I’m off for two weeks, come tomorrow. This should give me enough time to calibrate my emotions and bring them to neutral. Though I’m mortified to admit, I’m not that surprised to find I’ve feelings for this Stranger at work.

Some mornings there is a thick mist or fog and it feels like the entire planet is covered up by soft cotton. After feeding my cats, I sit on the metal stairs with a hot mug of coffee and contemplate my life. I can feel emotions happening to me and no, no, no, I don’t like it. I’m feeling like my old self again now a days. And I should really thank this stranger !

The tall, dark, handsome stranger and I keep dancing around each other in circles. I feel like I’m having a déjà vu, you know, that feeling that you’re going through something new, but it feels strangely familiar. It’s as if you’ve been in this situation before because you’ve been there with (or as) someone else who faced something similar. Now that it’s happening to you, it’s like revisiting and rereading an old story, but this time, you’re the main character in a play you once watched from the sidelines. Pretty strange, right ? I don’t know about him, but I’m thinking I’m being very idiotic about this because i don’t know if he is married or has a girl friend ! I don’t want to lust after someone who is married or otherwise engaged and thus break a commandment, but as I don’t know who I should ask at work, I’m sorely tempted to march up to him and demand that he show me his hands ! But as that’s not going to happen, I’m carrying around the fragile pieces of my broken heart clumsily put together. I’ve been writing him letters which I have no intention of sending them to him or posting them online. As much as I love this feeling of being in love, I’m so afraid of getting hurt so I’m keeping them boxed in and writing letters is so cathartic. And I’m also hoping that these feelings would neutralize themselves with the said exercise.

Speaking of déjà vu, I was reading up on déjà vu and about the Jesuit priest Pierre Teilhard de Chardin and his philosophy about how we are spiritual beings having human experiences which is complete bullshit. While I feel psychology is helpful in some matters, it has some weird philosophies and theories and it has a lot to answer for the degradation of humanity and civilization !

For a few years now, I’ve taken up my mum’s Christmas tradition. Every Christmas (and other holidays to be honest), even though we distributed eatables, and cakes to our friends and neighbors on boxing day (Dec 26), my mum also invited poor people from slums for dinner. Well, I don’t know any slums which exist near me, but I have taken up on buying and bringing dinners for homeless people I meet on the street. I also give gifts to my mail room people and my office building’s security people. I’m pretty sure I’m not doing this out of the goodness of my heart but because my parents did it and I want that tradition to continue in their memory. My parents raised me right. In India we have beggars who come round going from home to home and begging. And I remember this incident very well. My mother always cooks the correct amount of food so we won’t have any leftovers as we don’t really have a concept of leftovers. And she always prepares a bit more for beggars during the days she goes to work. But one day during summer holidays, I think there was a visitor and my mother ended up having some left over rice and curry, so when this beggar came around in the morning, my mother wanted to give them to him. My father was so angry and I remember this very vividly, he said “I don’t even feed my dog the leftovers and I can’t believe you are offering this to him”. So my poor mother ended up preparing fresh meal while the beggar and my dad chatted over a cup of coffee !

 Also, I feel guilty because I spoil my cats rotten and my cats have much better life than most of the poor people. I figured I won’t need that much money as I can’t take it with me when I die and of course, God will provide me with what I need !!

It rained a lot for the past two days and most of the creeks, small rivers, flooded the streets. As it is Monday, I stayed home and worked while listening to J.S. Bach’s partitas (played by Glenn Gould) and Toccata and Fugue in D minor. Ahhh !! yes, this is my favorite combination. Coffee, research and existential dread !

either way, i’m here

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Between parking in downtown Philly and getting KFC for my kitty boy Sonu, I am going broke. My boy Sonu loves roast chicken and I used to get him rotisserie from my grocery store but one day I wanted french fries, so I went to KFC and I also got him chicken. (in case you haven’t noticed, i’m a vegetarian who buys chicken regularly for her kitties). Since that day Sonu only wants KFC, nay, he actually demands it, and he tuns up his pretty little nose saying he doesn’t want the store chicken !!

Parking in downtown Philly is expensive and I don’t want to take public transportation because Philly became kind of dangerous (crimewise) and I don’t want to end up in a hospital or dead as I have three kids and I don’t want to leave them as orphans.

So we reached December in reasonably good health and sane. November closed out with frigid temps and with blustery winds, which didn’t do any favors to my lungs. Since Fall set in, I have been debating whether I should leave my little window open or closed so my kitties can go in and out. I was like I don’t want to keep it open as it’s cold out but I was also like what if there is a fire in the house and my kids need to get out. In the end my fears won and I left the window open and with a little room heater on so my babies can warm up.

Last Tuesday (11/28) was particular brutal weatherwise. It was painful for me to move about as my airways completely closed. And lo and behold, when I got home that evening, it was quite windy and by the time I actually got up to my apartment out of breath and gasping for air, totally doubled over in pain, trying to get some air into my lungs and when I opened the door, I find my two boys guarding a very terrified little mouse who they must have brought in. God knows since when they were guarding the little mouse. I was thankful that they didn’t leave the mouse to roam and making me not acquire another pet; I put a shoe box on the mouse and sat down for a bit to catch my breath and did another the trip downstairs to release the mouse.

I’m tremendously and extremely pleased to let you know that on Tuesday (12/5) I came face to face with the Stranger I was hoping to bump into and I recognized him, partly, i think because of his sweater than his face and partly because of the intensity of his stare. I met him by accident at an unexpected moment. And of course, this time I made it a point to study his face. I think I know his name and he does have a very intense stare, and I was surprised to see his eyes are blue (?) and he looks down into your eyes, trying to reach and read your soul.  I am not sure what to do with this info so I just park it here for now.  I’m going to leave this here because I think sometimes we all need a reminder that we have done something right, we have left an impression upon a complete stranger, and that the other person also left an impression on you and that he filled in a gap or two for you.

I am also not sure what I am supposed to write about him, in here.  My blog is usually a place where I whine and complain. Sometimes, to polish my ego. Sometimes to state my opinions and present them to you as facts. Well also may be do a bit of grudge maintenance.  May be let you swing with my moods. Tell you a couple of secrets and then try to take them back

I’ll make this day a mile mark, to signify the encounter with this stranger. I don’t wish to know him because I’m afraid he will make me acknowledge my loneliness and force me to face to it. Needless to say, again i had no sleep that night and he is etching himself on my mind. I’m neither young nor stupid but all the same, I’m slightly worried that, now that I met him, I may be falling for him. Let’s all fall on our knees and pray that I won’t.

So I’ll probably bury him beside my bed, where I’m lying grounded through storms and slow extinction. This is what came from ways set in stone and weathered by shifting sands of absence; absence and fear masked as ambient tension.