sunday

disappear…… !!

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it’s a beautiful misty grey sunday….. foggy grey view from my bedroom window;  even when blanketed by grey fogg, my sleepy little neighborhood looks beautiful – completely enveloped in a misty fog, spellbinding and mysterious and just makes me shiver. i usually get caught every morning and every evening, but alas, no time to stop and take photos as i’m rushing to work or coming back…..

it was a heavenly bliss y’all  ! took photos while sipping coffee, with no pants on (hence couldn’t run out) and with my faithful sidekick, minnu….

looks quite dreamy before the sun came up and the blues of the twilight – mr. sun couldn’t completely drive away the fog…. oh those are my two cars (not the white lexus)

1/20/2019

a drizzly day ennui

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hello it’s a cold, gray and misty sunday… how is your sunday ?

i woke up thinking (for whatever reason), autumn is to say goodbyes and winter is to forget and spring is to have rebirths.

on friday one of my best friends has died of brain cancer and i’m a bit gloomy. mainly because in spite of my endless begging, she wouldn’t let me visit her. i first met ingrid at my current church. (i was a lutheran before i became an adventist) and i bonded with her as she was as outspoken as i am. she was born in germany and had a very unhappy childhood and a nazi as her father; we used to spend our sabbath afternoons having picnics and hiking and having bible studies. this was before i got married and then we drifted apart as i moved away and they moved and you know, life happens. but then i found out that she got separated (or divorced) after she had an affair and stuff. even though this pained me immensely, i’m not gonna judge because remember “happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way – tolstoy”. i wanted to sit with her and giggle and reminisce as for me there are very few happy memories and she was one of them. but now she is gone and well….

yesterday i was at church, and after the sabbath worship services and an elder who knew that i was ingrid’s friend, told me to talk to someone as “i’ve gone through so much” and this adds to my sadness and to try and be not so detached. easy for him to say but i am still processing. i’ve been processing my feelings for a long time now and my “inbox” is actually full.  actually i don’t know how to process my feelings.  i can speak about them, from a third person point of view or as an observer. i am able to analyze and offer my thoughts and i am able to summarize them. but i can’t feel them. i put my life on pause and i wallow in silence. (“i, too, remember that feeling. you are caught between all that was and all that must be. you feel lost…” murakami, hard-boiled wonderland and the end of the world.)

life goes on, life goes on, life goes on… i keep muttering to myself

friday afternoon, while coming home from work, dropped by the market to get a roast chicken for my kids and i was wearing my flyers hoodie and this guy in the check out line before me said “i work for them”… and i was chatting with him and discussed their miserable loss the day before and he was like they were all in the vacation mood… i wish i could go and slap each of them, but they are still my boys. i told him that flyers can come and sit in my cubicle anytime they want and he was like “where is this cubicle” and i told him where i work….. and oh, on friday, my boss did the sweetest thing, she hung a flyers idk what you call it but it’s like a flag (from years ago) in my cubicle and it warmed my heart.

i am eagerly waiting for superbowl sunday to rally behind my boys “the patriots”. my friends on facebook and i are fighting and chad is like are you from boston that you are patriots fan and i said, i like boston cream pie does that count ? at my work they are having a super bowl party and i have half a mind to bring some of those pies as all of the people at work (except for tim) are eagles fans… and i need to make sure there are plenty of tissues ready for them for the day after superbowl so they can wipe off their tears… :p

in my kitty news update… horus my child is now officially plump like his mama and he keeps flicking off the top of his feeding tube (the one with white tip) and i spend loads of time looking for this and this morning, i spent two hours looking for the top and i gave up… i plugged his tube with a crudely home made top (i just rolled a piece of paper towel and stuffed it into the feeding tube)

cheeti, my calico kitty who i rescued in 2002 and was so traumatized when we got her, that she wouldn’t let us (now me) touch her or pet her unless she wanted to, now finally trusts me and started spending time with me and now a days sleeps next to me and lets me massage her little body and she has the softest of fur and my eyes turn misty with emotion. i used to ask her if she would ever let me show affection before she or i die.

my skittles girl is definitely a super smart kitty. i feed my kids in paper plates and when my kids lick off the food from the plates the plates tend to move and so my other kids chase the plate. i observed skittles today and when the plate was trying to move away from her, she put her paw on the plate to hold it down and finish her breakfast…i was so fucking impressed with her !

currently, i am running around my house, white rabbit style, washing my bed sheets, clothes, vacuuming, trying to dry my body and my hair and dancing to the pixies and trying to write something philosophical in between and i need another coffee…. and oh oh oh, i want to go for a drive very badly on kelly drive just to feel the cold air hit my face & make me feel alive…

good morning y’all and more later…

warm sunday

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/21

today is going to be a balmy 52 degrees in my little corner of the universe, as was yesterday, and i am happy as a kitten. my kitties zazie and cheeti and bastet were extra affectionate with me and hugged and hugged and hugged and then they decided i needed a bath and so they took turns and bathed me with their tongues…..

while having breakfast, i talked to my kitties about relationships and being happy and always choosing to be with someone who is emotionally intelligent and wanting to be loved by someone who understands the way i need to be loved and not how they want to love; and how well we all (kitties and i) waste time together while laughing and singing the whole time. i wish i could share these wasteful moments of laughter with you.

i keep thinking that i’ve been living in a haze and i don’t know what to feel anymore but i know that it’s okay, it’ll be okay, everything is always okay. it’s a certain kind of warm outside, warm like the bellies of my kitties and yesterday, after church, i had been driving around all day, doing one thing or another and missing connections and making connections and now i just want to clean my room and turn on some jazzy jazz jazz  musique till it’s time for the sports and maybe give myself time to center myself and figure out what i’m doing here.

i love a lot of things and today i love you even more, and i think that my heart’s finally a little too full for this morning and i keep sighing with content. i need you here with me, holding me and sighing with me. i’m soaked to the bones with the warmth of the sun and someone needs to wring me out and hang me up to dry.

ps: philly’s flyers (ice hockey) won and now am watching patriots (american football) which is a definite win. a bit later, eagles are gonna play and it would be interesting if they win tonight.

sunday

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12/17/2017

it’s a rainy sunday today and i’m up earlier than usual. why is it when i don’t have to wake up by a certain time, i wake up anyway even without an alarm and am also as wide eyed as possible and completely awake. come monday this feeling changes. i’ll be hitting the snooze like several hundred times and i’d get up at the very last second of the point of no return. i stayed in bed as long as i could, pillow over my face to block out any hint of sunrise (it was around 4 a.m.) and was thinking of everything. i ruminate on my conversations of the past days and i analyze to make sure i got things right and i haven’t imagining.

it’s 4 a.m. and i want to fall asleep to the cleansing rain. i’m listening to the light tip tip tip sounds when the raindrops were hitting my window pane. i’m listening to the quiet between the rainfall and i can’t help wondering, what do i like more; the silence between the rain or the sounds of the rain itself. it’s so wonderful and i’m imagining myself somewhere in a magical mysterious land, where everything is so serene and peaceful and all i could hear is the gentle breeze and take in the grassy sceneries and no humans in sight. the inbetween silence is growing wider and i think rain is dwindling away and it’s like this negative space i’m sliding into; the suburbia gives the illusion of a quiet suburbia when it cloaks itself with night but it screams itself into a city in the morning.

for the past few days it’s been super cold and windy and all of the city of philadelphia clung to my body an inch thick and no matter how much i bathe, it won’t come off.

i have an intelligent brain and heart, and i know what it means to live. everything else has been a wonderful, indulgent embellishment. i have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. the ability to just sit and talk philosophically, logically about things i care and cherish; life, love, death, kittens, anything or about everything. little complexities of life which paint with a palette of glorious colors. i was in love with a boy once; he played his piano for me. told me to close my eyes when he played and to tell him what i felt or what color i saw. i lied to him as i didn’t see any colors lol. i spent wee hours of the second day of a new year, under the moon, with him, huddled in comforters, thinking i’ve all the time in the world, and everything around us slowed down, bound by no obligation, to speak without regret or fear of consequence. to talk for hours and about what’s really important in life. later that year, i lost him.

i became mute. people around me think i’m shy and i want to shake them hard and tell them no i’m not. i’ve been silent for a long time but i’m full of everything and anything and i’m brimming over with so many things to say but i forgot how to say it.  i have always been dependent on my loneliness & my sadness which became utter depression when he died. how hollow i felt ! always just about six feet under the ground and feeling dead in my skin. and i kept thinking and relying on the seasons to tell me what to feel and i acted accordingly. i tried to be bubbly in spring, utterly naked with the falling of autumn leaves, and dutifully depressed during cold, grey winters.

i haven’t clicked my shoes three times and called out ‘there is no place like home’ but god has been good and everything turned out ok. i’m reviewing my past and when i looked back at her, i still think she’s a stranger, immature and sad. she looked like a photo of someone i once knew but am trying to remember.

in a few minutes i’ve to get out of my bed & get myself into the gym. it’s very easy for me to get lost into my solitude and in the labyrinths of my ribs. i like cuddling my soft kittens as a form of assurance. cats are like the furry version of balls of sunshine to play with on a dank drizzly day like this. well, bonjour !

update: later in the day, i watched patriots and steelers and wow, what a game !! patriots are my boys and i am thrilled for them and the upcoming superbowl !