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breathe !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i was waiting impatiently at the elevators looking to get a coffee and my impatience turned to marvel when the doors opened and you walked out. i was speechless as i entered the elevator passing you and murmuring something vaguely like a hello to your ‘good morning’.

back at my desk, started reading the paper you left for me so as to distract myself away from the thoughts of you coursing through my body and then you were there. standing next to the printer and asking me questions and we had this conversation before. but you, standing near me, always jump start my heart and i now can distinctly hear my heart beating to the rhythm of your breathing.

my hope breathes and grows like a midsummer’s dream and waits with me in the coldest days of winter and under all these fluffs of snow.

but this time i impatiently waited for you to leave. not that i wanted you to leave but i wanted to make sure of what i already know.

i quickly took out a ruler and measured the small spaces between your words which hung around me like diamonds in a necklace. millimeters adding up to centimeters then adding up to inches until i nearly had a foot of white space. i then took the ruler, pressed it against my chest, you know just underside of my breast and measured it till the side of my right clavicle. i then multiplied it by two and it was roughly a foot ! i knew it before i got the sum and i wasn’t surprised at all. because into all those spaces between your words, i emptied all my breath from every single alveolus of my lungs.

lover, you always take my breath away !

secretely

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

11/29/2017

i miss you.

in all those lines i have written to you, I breathed in my ‘i love you’s between those lines. i’m flawed and i haven’t found the right words to say, but i’m neatly tucking them all in an envelop, my all those disorganized ‘i love you’s…..

questions blooming like flowers on my fingertips and my heart keeps racking up these frequent flyer miles to your heart, and i keep biting my lip so hard that it turned raw. i tried to bury my sadness among my ribs; curse word prayers manipulating truth and remembering how to say ‘yes’. it would be a valentine’s day when i see you again as i await to whisper hello; ghosting the ache of space between us, and waiting to tell you my love stories as war anecdotes while holding you so close i could crawl inside your skin, and deep into your bones, and i will be happy.

but here in the gaping spaces that separate each of my fingers, there’s potential. in the crook of my neck and in the soft swell of my breasts and in the glistening pout of my lips and in the curve of my hips there’s potential. and there’s a soft promise across my collarbones that one day some one would kiss my words, touch my lips to music notes and memorize my body like a cartographer, so i should really stop wishing for it and just wait… to hold hands with you like old friends. it’s so easy to feel lonely and unlovable in gray winter times but here’s a potential too to find beauty in my solitude.

i wish i were seeing you tomorrow or that we made some plans. i wish you to be my valentine or that you were mine.

but this is all a secret.

ramblings

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

10/19/2017

yesterday morning was a bit chilly and misty and rainy and all i wanted to do was eat copious amounts of cupcakes and have a little food coma. my coworker tommy, who ims me all the time was like “turn up the heat outside” and i read that little note and i walked out as i wanted to get some coffee from the cafetaria, but his particular note stuck with me and all of a sudden i remembered my cats’ reaction to weathers of this nature and i was merrily cackling in front of the elevators. i do such things sometimes. while waiting for the elevators, people can find me doing ballet moves or not moving through the revolving door because i am too busy texting friends and as such holding up the people behind me. anyway, back to my babies. when the weather is too cold or too hot i don’t let them out because as their mama i care for them and i want them not to get sick as after all i may not have carried them in my womb, but i raised them and they are my babies. they sit on the window sill, meowing away till their lungs hurt, asking me to open the window so they can go outside and i’m like no you may not because it’s cold (or hot) outside but they don’t understand this and finally as a mother i give in so they can go out; but they immediately get back in demanding me to do something about the weather ! it always makes me smile when they do that and lately i’m finding dead “gifts” in oddest places and so i am thinking this weekend, i will go through my house and search for anymore such “gifts”. also thinking of starting the fire place so we can lounge in front of the fire and listen to the melodious jazzy blues… before you ask, dear blog, yes i would love my blue eyed boy lying next to me. confession: i really don’t think i’ve a chance with him for several reasons; one of them being, i don’t think he would want my cats and i need someone to love my kids and raise them as his own. and my cats are my priority and my family and if i have to choose……. i’m okay being single and miserable but with cats.

the sun finally came out yesterday towards the afternoon. along with the sun dreams of rose colored skies, pastel clouds, high winds which would fly me as high as i want to go…. and dream i did thinking of the blues of my boy’s eyes and in the depths of his blues, i feel small…. i kept talking to him today (most days) about the work, but silently i keep asking him “i see galaxies in your eyes and how come you can’t even find a star in mine”…. i swallow my words; my tears; and i am thinking i may have to start planning my exit strategy.

just crawled into bed after a long night at gym and a late dinner with a friend, curled up under a pile of blankets and cats, eyes swollen with sleep and held back tears.  there’s three inches between my body and the edge of the bed and four cats are sleeping in that three inch space and couple more decided they will use me as their bed…

i don’t always want to be this way, eyes swollen and goodbyes barely whispered over the phones, but i’ve got wishes in these hands of mine and i think the blog is worth handing them off to. i feel conflicted and a bit guilty but my heart is always beating loudly in these fingertips of mine. i hope that you can feel it through these words. i hope that, through these disguised words, you can see right through them and after all they are translucent ghosts made of truth. i’m not afraid of this distance in miles and i’m not afraid of missing him so badly that i feel that my bones may shake themselves loose. i’m afraid tho, that may be sometimes, my anxieties may spill into words and that all the conversations i keep having with him in my mind are not enough to satiate me and that i may cross into reality unknowingly and spill my words to him and ugh, i’m really, really, really glad that i have him in my life and my words are dedicated to the boy who holds my heart without even knowing that he has it and sometimes that is the absolute best thing to be able to give someone else.

it definitely started feeling like fall outside and things are gonna be ok.

also i’m a bad actor and waiting for someone else to ask the questions and i skillfully avoid them with passion and purpose. this is strange for me to admit to the internet. sorry !