In June of this year, the northeastern US got blasted with acrid wildfire smoke. Like “don’t go outside” levels. The day before the smoke officially made a landfall in my region, I went into the office and the moment I stepped out of my house, my lungs seized up but I had to go in because of a meeting and I ended up having a severe headache and nausea. I didn’t realize it then but later on I was like “oh, that’s the smoke drifting in slowly”. In my lifetime i get to go through pandemic and for a few days hazardous air conditions. Going outside was dangerous. The air was bad and it stank of burnt rubber, the skies were orange and hazy and when I just poked my head out for a second (without mask), my throat got sore and my eyes burned. This was caused by some massive 400+ fires about 500 miles away up in Canada. The Air Quality Index was around 400. My kitty babies glared at me as I had locked them indoors for three or four days depending on the Air Quality. I’m so awed at God’s creation and at the same time we can see God’s protection even when the air we take for granted turns deadly. Because of pandemic lesson, everyone now a days is equipped with masks and storing food. I was thinking how God prepared us for this event ahead of time.
The Summer was super hot and this is too cute not to share. When we started having really super hot summer days in July, I made small tent fort on my fire escape for my cats so they can enjoy the warmth but not get burned by the sun. So now a days whenever the sun is fully out my kitty boy Sonu (black) demands that I make him a tent fort by meowing his head off !! Look at the little nugget all comfy and stretched out !! And the recent development is both boys are now demanding that I make fort in my apartment, so my bedsheets are hanging around the corners in fort style; and of course, like all the stupid cat moms, I went and bought a couple of covered cat beds which were like teepees, and guess what, no one wanted them.
- Cats on leashes so they don’t go wandering off with elves. 2. Minnou catching sun and trying to bloom 3 & 4: Sonu in his makeshift tent fort because he is a little drama queen and he can’t abide by the sun.
We started going back to the office in the middle of September. I felt really sad to go back as leaving my cats alone at home was gut wrenching. I kept thinking of them all the day and couldn’t wait to get back home. The first day, my cats didn’t figure this out, but the next day, Minnu realized that I am leaving again. So in the morning when I got into the car, he came down and sat on the steps crying his eyes out. I climbed down the car and gave him a hug but I had to leave so I drove off; but my heart was so sad, so I turned around came back and took him back into the apartment gave him treats. After that day onwards, I started sneaking out of the apartment so he wouldn’t see me leaving. Somehow, my cats know my coming home time and I am convinced that they know the time I come home and the sound of my car. During evening, both my boy cats wait for me downstairs and when they see me walking up the steps, they greet me with loud meowing and come running to me. It is a joy and I feel so blessed to be loved by these boys.
Today (11/17) was my husband’s birthday. I remember him fondly and I think I can forgive him. But sometimes my anger wells up and I want to scream (at him) for taking his life and wasting his life and potential. I’m trying to wrap my head around this suicide concept but I can never reconcile it in my mind. No matter how sad and how depressed one is and how painful life becomes, just close your eyes and sleep or hum or do something else which works or if you are like me sit and sulk in a bathtub. It’s almost 10 years since he has gone and I am still not over it even though the pain has numbed a bit.
Once in a while I still sometimes catch myself thinking of the old days. The life I used to live, the person I used to be… none of it seems real anymore. Some days I find myself wondering if it was all just a dream; and wondering if I can return there in my sleep if I just go to bed at a reasonable hour… ; and sometimes I think may be I am writing down my life and may be someone is reading me into existence. Sometimes I can’t help but think that maybe I’m better off this way. Maybe all we ever were, was a pleasant dream that went wrong and turned into a nightmare – I spend most nights staring at the ceiling, wondering if I’m ever going to sleep (or wake up).
soft delusions 