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all the stars

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

IMG_2658 (1)

an excerpt from our night. anubis et moi, rocking to “all the stars – kendrick lamar”

i’ve finally submitted my application y’all for an mba and i’m chatting up people so i can move ahead and use my intelligence appropriately. i’m excited to learn something new but i’m already tightly scheduled with no time left for myself but my circumstances have made me work harder so i can’t relax yet but i keep reminding myself that this is only temporary and yes, one of these days i too shall enjoy crème brûlée cheese cakes, and pastel sunsets and hopefully it will be with sandalwood or on my own as “places are so much lovelier when one is alone – du maurier”

sandalwood appeared on my doorstep with a guacamole grilled cheese sandwich and i must say, for a pretentious person, i love grilled cheese sandwich and i ate it for the first time when i came to america and julien and i were visiting one of our friends and she lived on a farm and the sandwich her mum made was yummy and it was julien’s first as well and it was a tremendous joy; but i can’t cook one even if someone put a gun to my head and oh i tried to cook it numerous times but i think i suck in a most brilliant way. but the boy scored again with his brilliant guacamole grilled cheese sandwich feat.

i’ve been spending time plotting my future (mostly financial as i’m broke) but it’s fun though. you know. to earn money and multiply it and invest etc. i dated millionaires before i got married to jace (and after julien) but they all bored me and mocked me because here i was working hard to get a degree and there they are high school drop outs but millionaires. and i actually admired them but they were boring because they wanted a trophy wife, unintelligent and without an opinion, blonde, lounging by the poolside, sipping something alcoholic and having no opinion except for the temperature of the water. and i’m not that person you know. the only way anyone can grab my attention or respect is by challenging my intelligence and they were desperate and i was like no thank you !

julien was an aristocrat but he was as humble as he was wealthy and jace worked hard for his money and i admired his intelligence.

i have so many things still up in the air and some days i just want to give up and curl up in a corner and go to sleep and not wage wars but when i see my pretty little babies faces, adrenaline bursts into my veins.

i got sick on sunday with flu thanks to one of my colleagues who was at work on friday in spite of him going through flu and coughed a lot and i knew in 48 hours i’ll come down with flu (viral incubation is 48 hrs) and so monday i informed my boss i’ll come and collect my laptop and leave and she was like stay put. i spent monday fading in and out.

and there is this girl who kept emailing me all day long with honey dripping right through my laptop screen and who i can’t stand as she is so goddamn fake (and dangerous if you don’t watch out) and once she realized that i’m on a solid ground with my boss (there was a futile attempt to make my life miserable and for a while they were successful till my boss figured out the truth as i refused to talk to her about my pain but just ground up my teeth) and so she is now all lovey dovey and i’m now gagging and wanting to throw up because i’m not fake but i’m polite and i give minimum respect they deserve as a human being in spite of my personal feelings. the most incredulous thing for me is that people underestimate me and my intelligence. and i assess a person’s intelligence by talking to someone for a couple of seconds. i’ve a good mind to photocopy my resume and rent a crop duster or a drone and make these copies rain in my office !

but all is well that ends well… and meanwhile i’m plotting my success in the company and i’ll bulldoze anyone who would stand in my way while charming the pants off of the right people.

an update on the reasons for my existence and the joy and happiness of my life aka my kitty babies. horus has started eating on his own and halle-fucking-leuiah and i’m floating in the nebula with happiness and i’m thinking i would bring him to the vet sometime this weekend to get his feeding tube removed. skittles, my kid with ruptured third eyelid, as i predicted completely recovered and she still has a bit of healing to happen, but she is happy and her eye looks fine and i’m sure her vision is normal. the rest of my children and doing well by god’s grace.

my friend will be visiting me in march and he lives in new zealand and i’m seeing him after many moons and so i’m i thrilled to bits. i am putting together a fun day or two with him.

i’m planning to get acupuncture for my asthma and ugh.. not too thrilled about needles as i would cry shamelessly. and i’ve scheduled a full body massage (which includes massaging tits and tummy, and bum) so i could detox. i try and get this done once every six months but it has been over a year.

i’m miserable slightly as i am trying to move on and as much as i would like to forget ze american boy, it’s hard as i still see him around. but i’m getting better and i scribbled a few lines for him for his birthday.

as usual, this does not belong here, it is not poetic, it is personal and it hurts but i just need to say this before i forget.

it’s your birthday, so i bought you a cake, i would have baked you a cake, a towering one with three layers of raspberry infused chocolate mousse cake.

i met you at a very strange time in my life. i felt a little sad and nostalgic for new years where i was ready for so much and so little all at once. if life went the way i wanted, i probably would have hung out with you, laughing and may be shared a bag of chips with you; i have a love affair with bottles and i would have given you a blue bottle from an antique store.

i loved you yesterday and i loved you today. i loved you in a complicated and compromising and confusing way that made me uncomfortable and unapologetic for my actions. i loved you and i was stupid, so stupid in a confusing way, stupid in the way i’d never be able to keep my hands off of you, stupid in the way i had spilled my secrets i never knew i had, stupid in the way i’d cry every time i thought of letting you go, stupid in the way i would have been reckless and bold. but i loved you. i am sure of that, no matter how many silences, awkward half-conversations, nights when i  soaked the sheets with hot salt water tears.

i was careless and consumed, you know.

but happy birthday my darling !

‘

 

 

for the loves of my past

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

‘my life is a wonderful one’ i keep mumbling as if to make myself believe.

i always overthink things that shouldn’t be overly thought. time is a selfish bitch and its consistence and constance is driving me to a point of sad sad insomnia. there’s not enough time.

there’s a boy in my bed reading poems out loud to me and my ribcage hurts when i breathe, but i’m happy, you know. there are so many people to say goodbye to and i’m afraid that tomorrow i’ll be too sad to function properly.

is it just positively not a good idea at all to want to say i love you to someone via text when you’re going to see him tomorrow. i came very close though. i think so, i don’t know. what would you do if someone said i love you and goodbye in the same sentence ? because that’s what i wanted to do and it’s complicated. i don’t know, i don’t know. today was a husky and dusky colored day. i feel like my winter has been one drawn out goodbye. everything is so up there, out there, somewhere that isn’t here. but i’m ending things. collecting the remaining pieces of me and putting them in my pockets.

my life is a wonderful one. i just have to smooth over all the edges that i’ve roughed up in the past, errr, two or three months.

this is an accumulation of my mind. i’m not saying anything anymore. there are no words for how i’m supposed to be feeling. i just want to drive around with my eyes closed until there’s nowhere to go anymore.

a love letter to my boys who don’t exist anymore.

you. i love you.

you may be faded images or i may be driving with my eyes closed. blurred humans or i’m going blind or i may be sleep deprived. i loved you more than i love sweet potatoes. i’ve never said that to anyone since you.

and i’ve fond memories of you; i’ve tucked these memories of you in my every cell to keep me alive and not feel so dead; i warm up to your memories and i remember the bonfires and drinking tea from a tea cup and falling over everyone and dancing with you and smelling your cigarettes and beautiful stories and vanilla flavoured cigars and collecting fall leaves and my electric blue dress and stumbling and talking trash and laughing with you and holding your hands and tracing your spinal cord and nibbling your lower lip & singing whatever and swaying to your guitar notes and forgetting about everything.

and oh how i loved to dance with you and i loved to move in the rhythm of you.. i’d rather not say hello to you and remember you; but you keep tugging at my heart’s skin, bringing up what i’d rather have forgotten. i can’t stop scratching these scars you left turning me upside down. i’d rather be under this spell of no return, knowing that there’s no winning here; i always lost myself in you and i’d rather lose myself in you and i’m lost in you.

ps: in case you are wondering about my valentines’ day… some unknown sent me flowers and they were waiting for me on my door step. i’m thinking it’s the anonymous guy/girl/it who texts me and yesterday i asked him/her/it for his/her/its name and no reply but i got a valentine text today again… robbie made weekend plans for dinner; sandalwood is in my bed reading me romantic poems in the hopes of getting into my pants and oh he gave me a rose dipped in gold; i’m planning to collect a bouquet; my ballet teacher came back from russia and ordered me to get myself stretched and so this evening, i got stretched thoroughly for 90 mins and i’m exhausted. i’m going to bed !

:/

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

today was rather a sleepy day… i was still feeling the after effects of my cold and yesterday it rained all day and so the blahness continued to this monday which is already a big blah…

so i think i have a secret admirer…. the person i mentioned before and who texts me bible verses etc anonymously and today he (or she) actually wrote a very lengthy and a very sweet text without actually saying that i’m pretty important to him & what a precious thing i’m to him (or her?) oh well…

and today only i was talking to this coop girl at my work with who i giggle that i don’t get stalked anymore … true story, not to brag but i had so many stalkers and admirers and this with me just being a tom boy…. anyway i don’t understand why this person doesn’t come out and ask me out or let me know who he or she is…

coming back to the point, my heart twinged a little when i saw ze american boy today. i get pulled to him as a magnet pulls iron but gosh i really don’t know what to do ? each day when i see him, i remind myself to breathe and i teach my heart to unlove him. i recently considered to quit the job but then i changed my mind as i have a family to feed.

sandalwood is becoming somewhat important to me and i’m conflicted. i like him and i think he would be good for me. i haven’t decided yet.

to a certain degree, the things i write here have become impersonal or more like journal entries. i don’t name people so you, the reader, won’t bond with these characters… i have exchanged them to their characteristics and to the ideas of them. names and human characteristics have been exchanged for the space between people, for how i personally am moved by skin, by language, by touch — by everything that falls around love, that isn’t directly the object of my affections. i like it this way because then while sharing my experiences i still have that uncrossable bridge between me and you… with my friends i talk explicitly, or as a matter of factly; as after all, i am a scientist. i down play the workings of my heart with everyone. but you, the blog readers are ok as you are anonymous.. to the comfort of the anonymous i’ll write of everything that moves me but won’t go into details about things that are dangerous to put into words. that’s how i’ve always been, tho. i keep myself closed and i distance myself with other human beings. call it defense mechanism or just being arrogant; apart from the boys who don’t exist anymore, there will never be another person who will hold me up against the light and see every facet of me, every color and every hue that i can become. when these boys died, they emptied me of my essence.

i often think of us as “the little prince” (le petit prince) and that there are so many little island worlds we all belong to respectively. we hold so many planets in us and we won’t let any other human beings to land on it or let alone visit. and that’s so lonely a feeling.

what i would like is to find one human who can soothe the ache of wanting to discuss every molecule of my life. i want to be able to touch someone’s arm or shoulder or knee and understand the fear that consumed them in their childhood, the happiness of their freedom, the way they fell headfirst into love for the first time. i love stories.. and i want to know how each of us accumulate all these worlds, all these stories i wanted to live and have lived and the dreams…. all the dreams, i had carefully weaved…

i think what i desire the most is understanding, that falls deeper than words into a space between two humans that can’t be touched by language. sandalwood talked about this the other day how someone he knew talked about how we communicate with each other…. i am not much for communicating my heart matters…what i do is i rip out my heart and use it as a pen and scribble myself out into words…and currently that’s what I’m doing.. instead of holding the american boy in my arms and listening to his heart, i write about my love for him but also i’m painfully aware of his relationship status… for fuck sake he is almost married !

how can i explain to someone the sound of an ocean beneath a moonlight beam… you need my heart for that. i suppose i’m yearning; nay i’m coveting… there are certain people who are so in tune with the subtle nuances of my being. there are certain people who i can tell are hurting just by how they hold their hands on their lap or press their lips. but still, there’s always something missing. i may just be looking for something completely selfish. i may just be looking for the basic and primal human relationship.

it’s just loneliness, i think.

i’m just lonely, i think.

actually i am lonely for him.

but the thing is this ! still, still and still i’m hopeful.

love apparently

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i’m here and here are somethings i want you to know, all you lovely people of the internet…. i’m fully exhausted with my scheduled feedings of horus and every day is another misery and i’m wondering how long would it take to finally break me with this sleeplessness…. but seeing my kid come to my bed when i stir in the wee morning and then purr happily with the anticipation of nourishment, is a magnificent sight and he comes meowing and cooing and rubs his head against my face and i’m happy. he is still showing no interest in eating on his own except couple of times when he licked a bit of some chicken flavored food. i so need to get a variety of foods to see which one he would like to eat, but i’m exhausted. i think it’s partly because my lungs are not working as well as they should in spite of inhaler and i can’t wait for the weather to turn a bit warm and bring me fresh set of allergies..

so robbie (the boy who just turned 30) wanted to take me to canada for valentine’s day… but i said no as it requires me getting a passport and i’m planning not to get a passport for a while as i am still on steroids for my breathing and it makes me look bloaty and passports have expiration dates for like ten years or so… and therefore, we probably may end up at la croix, my favorite french restaurant in philly..

i was talking to tim (my mentor) about negative results or negative learning. this is something where you find out that you don’t like to do xyz. for example, one may do something like gardening for the first time and decide it’s not their cup of tea.. in this regard i was telling him how jace (my husband) did two things in the name of science and experiment. well, we scientists are suckers for data and so we collect for everything. when he was fifteen, he worked with a farmer for a summer to find out how farming life is and he found that farming was hard labor and that he never would be a farmer. another time, when he was doing his post doc in paris, france, jace  dressed up as a homeless man and he stood in a corner and begged for money (not even that, he told me, he just stood there with a hat in his hand) and he found out that beggars made lot more than his student stipend… 😊 i was so filled with happiness from talking about jace…

my american boy keeps circling my cubicle… i was standing way too close to him today and it’s hard not to flirt or seduce him… in spite of the cold weather, i was warm. sober and whole and innocent. in the most natural of states. with him, like his presence made me something better, newer, cleaner. like this was all i had needed. a balm for my scars… something so familiar with a foreign thrill, the spits of water burning off the scars. they seem to fade when he touches them. i forget they exist. and i forget that i live in an imaginary world.

little warning my lovely boy…

seduction is both a science and an art.  in order to perfect it, one must construct a hypothesis based on extensive research and subject that hypothesis to rigorous testing. ultimately, though, the key to seduction is the communication of your results.  therein lies the art.  the manner of presentation rests within the curl of my lips and eyes and discretion. and i’m quite an expert in communicating with my curves and lips and eyes.

and also, seduction is like boxing.  it requires both endurance and persistence.

breathe deeply, my darling boy…  i’ve only just put on my gloves.

missing you

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i paint you with my words when i’m not with you so i don’t miss you that much.

i don’t know why i keep finding it so strange not to be bent over with the weight of missing you. i guess maybe i’ve been prepared for so long to ache terribly being across this vastness from you – as if the physical separation alone could break my bones. there is no doubt that this is one of the easier nights and that there are times when i tangle myself in these sheets and ache for you in all senses – mind, heart, body, hands, tongue. but i am finding that it is not as tho i left half of myself with you, but rather that i left my best friend, my unwavering companion, a partner to nap with and cook with and to run-through-parking-lots and water fountains. and maybe things are sometimes easier because i am forced to live. i am learning a certain spontaneity and acceptance of the unknown just by trudging through this every day.

but the ache of missing, the very physical act of yearning to be with someone that you can’t quite reach (if not now, ever) is mutual, that there are things i am unable to explain in eloquent terms or be poetic, to make any of this feel better because it has already manifested itself into my heart too, quietly but firmly, all the heaviness and exhaustion from being away from you.

i keep wanting to curl into you and my mind keep tracing over the notion that this is it, above all things, and how soon we would be bracing ourselves for the contrast between absolute certainty in a future with another human being and the spaces separating us which gape and protrude unfairly.

every night, i miss your body pressed against mine and i know that is just the start of an ache which linger and fade, the ebb and flow of missing someone.

tu me manques !

warm sunday

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/21

today is going to be a balmy 52 degrees in my little corner of the universe, as was yesterday, and i am happy as a kitten. my kitties zazie and cheeti and bastet were extra affectionate with me and hugged and hugged and hugged and then they decided i needed a bath and so they took turns and bathed me with their tongues…..

while having breakfast, i talked to my kitties about relationships and being happy and always choosing to be with someone who is emotionally intelligent and wanting to be loved by someone who understands the way i need to be loved and not how they want to love; and how well we all (kitties and i) waste time together while laughing and singing the whole time. i wish i could share these wasteful moments of laughter with you.

i keep thinking that i’ve been living in a haze and i don’t know what to feel anymore but i know that it’s okay, it’ll be okay, everything is always okay. it’s a certain kind of warm outside, warm like the bellies of my kitties and yesterday, after church, i had been driving around all day, doing one thing or another and missing connections and making connections and now i just want to clean my room and turn on some jazzy jazz jazz  musique till it’s time for the sports and maybe give myself time to center myself and figure out what i’m doing here.

i love a lot of things and today i love you even more, and i think that my heart’s finally a little too full for this morning and i keep sighing with content. i need you here with me, holding me and sighing with me. i’m soaked to the bones with the warmth of the sun and someone needs to wring me out and hang me up to dry.

ps: philly’s flyers (ice hockey) won and now am watching patriots (american football) which is a definite win. a bit later, eagles are gonna play and it would be interesting if they win tonight.

breathe !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i was waiting impatiently at the elevators looking to get a coffee and my impatience turned to marvel when the doors opened and you walked out. i was speechless as i entered the elevator passing you and murmuring something vaguely like a hello to your ‘good morning’.

back at my desk, started reading the paper you left for me so as to distract myself away from the thoughts of you coursing through my body and then you were there. standing next to the printer and asking me questions and we had this conversation before. but you, standing near me, always jump start my heart and i now can distinctly hear my heart beating to the rhythm of your breathing.

my hope breathes and grows like a midsummer’s dream and waits with me in the coldest days of winter and under all these fluffs of snow.

but this time i impatiently waited for you to leave. not that i wanted you to leave but i wanted to make sure of what i already know.

i quickly took out a ruler and measured the small spaces between your words which hung around me like diamonds in a necklace. millimeters adding up to centimeters then adding up to inches until i nearly had a foot of white space. i then took the ruler, pressed it against my chest, you know just underside of my breast and measured it till the side of my right clavicle. i then multiplied it by two and it was roughly a foot ! i knew it before i got the sum and i wasn’t surprised at all. because into all those spaces between your words, i emptied all my breath from every single alveolus of my lungs.

lover, you always take my breath away !

rain

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2018/01/17

i could blame the rain or the electricity in a cloud which loomed gently over my head. my heart aches at the mention of your name. i’ll always remember the fire behind your eyes burning brightly, enough to keep us both warm. the thoughts of you drench my skin wet, but wither my hopes. they asked me to implicate the intoxication of lust as the reason for my missing you.

but i couldn’t do it, i want you and crave your skin since the time you left me imagining your hands on my body under my sheets. i keep grabbing harder still at my own skin, and silently hoping a part of you may have materialized. nothing you have done or will do, will ever change the fact that i love you.  i am trying to remember how to forget you. i started penning a list of ways on how to lose the ones i love and all i end up writing is ‘ i love you’.

bisous !

bitter colds and warm hearts

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

2018/01/07

my heart is warm y’all,  in spite of these frigid temps. horus, my itty bitty kitty baby is doing well and he put on some weight, he was at 6 lbs and now at 10 lbs and i am actually happy for this weather as i get to stay home these four days (i was home since wednesday) so i can feed my kid every 4 hours and got to cuddle him and kiss him and tell him ‘i love you’. i can tell he is feeling well already as he is purring and his eyes are bright and shiny and he even meowed a couple of times.

my winter sads have been coming on strong in the past days as it’s colder than iceland (apparently), so i’ve been fighting back with sun worshipping by hanging onto the windows along with my kids and colorful vegetables, chocolate mousse cake, touching plants on the street when i went for walks to get circulation going, and thinking about green, and listening to pascal obispo and love songs with my cats who are good for me like sweet potatoes.

my kids and i have been suffering from cabin fever and i really would love to go for a long drive but i haven’t been out very far in my car since wednesday. on friday evening after sabbath started, i thought i would go for a ride to check out the roads because i wanted to go to church on sat morning, and after two blocks i got stuck in icy slush and i was kicking myself mentally when a young man came and unstuck me and while driving away i thanked him profusely and i returned home and decided not to go out again !

this morning there’s a mysterious puddle in my kitchen and i am wondering if some water pipe broke but i am in no mood for bad news and as long as my kitchen won’t flood and i don’t get to wade or swim, i am firmly shutting my eyes and pretend everything is ok.

here’s a funny fact. i was watching news, and apparently the cleveland browns (foot ball) team didn’t win even a single game in their entire season, and so the browns fan had a protest parade for a “perfect winless season” and i saw one guy with a little placard which said “they tried” and i fell off of my bed laughing… haha !

i’m looking forward to going to work tomorrow just to shake off some of this laziness and i want to stretch and work out and start working on my future course work. i had a little chat on friday with this guy and he gave me some ideas and obviously, my transition has to wait, as he wants me to do some course work in finance and he promised to find me little projects for me as a taste of things to come. and oh my gym closed abruptly and i have to now find another gym pronto or i shall go insane as we are on a winter break for ballet as well.

i am content and i am happy. an elder from my church sent a little inspirational text with a story. one day a man was crossing a bridge, but he was scared so he turned and asked god, can i hold your hand so i may not fall ? and god said, “no my child, i will hold your hand”. the man asked “what’s the difference?” and god replied, “if you hold my hand and something happens, you might let go but if i hold your hand, no matter what happens, i will never let you go”.  i feel that way, that no matter what, god got my back and i know god will have my back for the rest of my life.

looking at the soft shapes of my cats has warmed my heart and now i’m just sitting on the floor in front of my lit fireplace, chewing on a piece of french bread with brie and grapes, and patting my legs and sighing and i am content.

i’ll soon get up to make some coffee to finish off my light lunch and go do my laundry, give my babies their lunch and then will settle down to watch “the frozen dead” on netflix.

hey hi hello friends ! hope you’re all well. hope you can find a way to be happy in all this ice and snow around, even if you have to make a town of igloos to do so.

a bientôt !

amor fati – part deux

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the sunbeams sparkled prettily in your eyes when words came out as whispers from my curled lips with the softness of velvety wine. “you may kiss me when the light is right”, i breathed and i blushed heavily. it may be winter air pinching me pink or it may be that i was fully drunk in the sweet liquid you were soaked in as i fell in love. you breathed out my name into the air scenting it delicately and from then on every touch became a divine secret. my giggles took a silver bell tone tinkling with every breeze. you brushed my hair as though they are like a silken whisper. you are still a familiar unknown to me; your texture, tastes and touches i can’t identify; so vivid, so familiar, so out of this earth; savoring your splendor in the glow of the stars cast over our skins; our colors have bled and blended to create a new hue. we twine around each other without breaking. i’m comfortable. you are the exotic tastes, smells and tingles. you are the colors, sounds and shadows. your heartbeats are oceans whispering my name and i dream of seashells.  i still find myself aching for those hues, whispers and time hasn’t faded that memory or that familiarity.

at what point loneliness morphs into something that exists as something bearable ? i find myself missing you, missing your conversations, missing our moments; miss the curl of your tongue and the press of your teeth into my flesh; miss the way my soul sways to your smiles as your smiles wash over me affectionately; so fluid, so subtle and so mesmerizing. you should know that i can never bring myself to ecstasy the way you would; miss you, miss you , miss you a lot, a lot, lover ! please please come back ! melt with me one more time ! there’s always space for you in my heart, between my thighs, beneath my finger-nails, atop my tongue and inside my eyelids.  i breathe your name into the dark sky, pleading with the stars to carry my secrets and my tears to god.

i know none of this will translate into reality and i don’t mean for my words to be profound or planned or poetic. it’s just that i tucked you away in every atom of my body for times i need to feel alive; it’s just that i’m captivated and alas, i’m nothing more than a shadow thirsting to kiss you once more; it’s just that i still can’t remember my dreams. it’s just that tonight, i will bundle up all of the pain that exists inside of me which tugs at my heart’s skin and knead it until i’ve created something beautiful.

time is watching on and smiling as my tiny heart aches and aches and aches….