xii

anubis

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

*02/23/2002 – 07/18/2018*

i have been in need to lean on a soft heart for a while now. it’s a lonely city to be sad in. trees, at least, let you be quiet and alone without anyone’s eyes on you. but there’s no mossy place for me to land on here. there’s no scent of wood chips and the soft, soft morning light in my bedroom window. i’m trying to articulate myself because i’m alone and can’t be alone right now and don’t know who to reach out to hold me, because i can’t hold myself.

everyone says that a mother loves all her kids the same way. it is not true. last wednesday i took my kitty boy, anubis, for a procedure and his little heart stopped during that procedure and it broke my heart. it was the worst feeling i ever have gone through. again. i felt that way when julien died but since then i lost my child, my husband, my dad and my mum and i never ever felt this deep sadness. i felt my heart being ripped off and i honestly think i wouldn’t be able to cope with the anxiety and the anguish. this sadness is a deep well. when i brought him home later, i went and sat at a church and had a full on conversation with god  and later i stuttered out apologies and all the ‘i love you’s while holding his lifeless body and didn’t know who i should be dedicating my words to. i was fortunate enough to have been loved by him so much as well. all my kitty babies love me, but he loved me just a pinch more. he and i had such a bond. god, i ache, i ache, i ache.

i don’t know what to do with the texts and phone calls saying ‘i’m sorry for your loss,’ and even more so i’m not okay with the fact that my vets felt awful or that they were sorry. anubis may not be a human child or i may not have given birth to him but he was blood to me. without him i wouldn’t think this world would be such a beautiful place. i am not sleeping well these days and i miss him. a lot. i wish i could hold him again and keep saying ‘i love you’ ‘i love you ‘i love you’. i don’t want to cry but my hands keep shaking. fuck the sympathy cards. fuck all of them who can’t understand what he meant to me. he was important to me and he was my baby and i lost him. i am trying so hard to stay okay. i don’t want to cry.

dream

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

first of all, it’s great to be here despite the fact that i want to give up every single fucking day. i thank god and my kitties mostly and pascal obispo (french singer) for motivating me to look at life in a positive way.

i am tripping with possibilities. sitting on my bed listening to bach and listening to my kitty, buttons, telling me some soft and gentle things. i got home early today because i wanted to just rest and am waiting now for the boy to bring some take away. he texted me that he will bring something french or thai. and i was thinking it is nice to find a love one doesn’t question.  love is a funny thing. sometimes it’s exciting and passionate and sometimes it’s altogether something else. it’s more comfortable and familiar. and oh also, the other day, le boy and i went to california pizza kitchen and i was pleasantly surprised as the food was exquisite.

i was thinking about sandalwood and how he makes me feel loved in private and comfortable in silence. i always wanted a man who buys me books, and flowers for no reason and kisses me on my nose or my forehead and he does that.  and yet, i am sitting here and trying to reason with myself if i should marry him or not. i did say yes to him when he proposed but that yes came with a caveat. i told him i reserve the right to say no, and he said if needed, i could do that even while i am walking down the aisle.

i am slowly crawling towards my “wedding” even though i really shouldn’t. sandalwood lacks one fundamental thing which i am looking for, ie a man who believes in god and who would go to church with me. and he is not that. he is a wonderful person in all respects but that. and i am with him i think because i don’t want to be alone. no one wants to be alone and before you say it, he sort of told me that he would try and at least get into the church during services but it hadn’t happened yet. he still sits in his car in the parking lot. and i am waiting ?

the other day i bought this smashing gorgeous tiny little red dress for my birthday and i looked goddamned sexy in it. in spite of not caring about what others think how i look, i do secretly love it when i make someone breathless or when i catch people secretly looking at me or when cars honk at me and to my delight i started having that effect on other people again. and sandalwood said i looked stunning, but then again he always says that even when i looked like a beached whale. and i haven’t shed any of my squishy bits yet and i have a long ways to go but i am working towards it. more importantly i miss dancing. i need to be on a ballet floor as soon as possible.

i was totally fucked last week healthwise, as my lungs stopped working (epic asthma episode) and i was only able to breathe by using rescue inhaler every three hours and it was two days of sheer hell of not able to breathe, and throwing up no matter what i ate or drank, and i kept eating because i was so hungry but within few minutes i would throw up. the first day when my lungs shut down i just stayed in bed and not informed the boy but by that night, i was afraid i may either pass out or die and i needed him to know just in case, so he can take care of my kitties. he came promptly (away on work as usual) and he took care of me and cuddled me while i was weak and helpless.

he told me jokes and read me poems and we watched movies and agatha christie’s poirot (with david suchet and he is brilliant as poirot) together. sitting on my bed, he kept trying to kiss me, while i was trying to breathe and his mouth tasted a bit like metal and blood where i bit his lip. he teased me sexually and said he could make love to me if i wanted and i told him he would have to do all the work as i was too weak and that he would have to make sure that i get off and that i wanted my happy ending. he didn’t make love to me as i almost passed out with exertion, but he did give me a happy ending.  staring at the ceiling while comfortably tucked in his arms i thought the way things are.

the way i see things, he is like a summer thunderstorm, waking me up with the flashes and cracks against the clouded sky, tarrying and violent and sudden, constantly billowing in when i least expected. like when i sometimes end up in his passenger seat, holding his hand too tight on dark nights as he speeds around the bends in the road with careless ease. i am trying to be more than someone who wants comfort and pleasure; like someone who needed a chance to be wild and free.

but i am not yet in love with sandalwood and what is wrong with me ? i am deeply attracted to another person and there is something about the color of his eyes that drives me crazy. and to be fair to sandalwood, i have thoroughly walled up my feelings.

and on a side note, i have been shamelessly flirting with a couple of guys at my work (not my department) ! perhaps i am looking for that grand adventure of love or waiting for a french boy to bring me to my knees… (i have exclusively dated frenchies and married one but now i am dating an american)… yep, so there you have it… a summary of my so called love life.

i am very grateful and comfortable with sandalwood but i just want me to also be in love with him. can’t rush love i suppose.  in a few minutes, he would arrive and we would sit on my bed, eating, humidity wrapping our tanned skins and later he would be sipping wine. we sit together in a cuddle, and he will probably read “winnie the pooh” aloud as we are reading that book lately, and we both giggle… and one is never grown up enough to not read “winnie the pooh”.

on sunday we will be watching the fifa world cup with france and croatia. i am rooting for france for julien’s sake.  allez la france !

and even though i disappeared, and got used to saying goodbyes. and even though i force my lungs to keep breathing sadness, i am still not ready to talk about all the things which happened in my life, but i’m willing to listen. i keep telling myself that i hope i find exactly what i am looking for in all the places i least expect and i’m crossing my fingers that i don’t mess up.

april

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

hello world ! april has arrived with aries moon and placid winter. not a lot happened since i blogged last time and also, a lot happened since i blogged last time. we had another snow blizzard the other day and this time we didn’t have a power outage but i was ready with all candles and stuff. it snowed a bit weirdly and i took off from work expecting worst but it snowed in a slow motion and by 9:30 in the a.m. that day, i was kind of wondering if i made the right decision of staying home, when it started snowing. it was fantastic to look at as it looked like as though god was printing snow on a 3d printer. it fell layer by layer, gently and softly and i was fascinated with it. i sat glued to my window and watched chugging coffee after coffee. i was like alice in winter wonderland and of course, complete with my 21 beautiful cheshire cats. the snow melted off quickly the next day.

slowly but surely books are becoming an important accessory for my outfits… instead of thinking about what blouse or top i should wear, i catch myself thinking what book should i bring with me on train as i have this habit of reading three or more books at the same time and yes, somedays i confuse myself but it’s fun this way… currently i’m reading book thief, vicious and if we were villains in case you were wondering…

i’m thinking of reading the book “the terror” by dan simmons as well as recently amc channel started airing a tv series and it may be classified under historical fiction, fantastic or horror, adventure but whatever it is shelved under, it should be a great read because it’s a story about madness, about men caught up in a mad, self absorbing, cycle of horror and fear. and the tv series is promising and i was looking at the ice logged ships and i almost got claustrophobic and mildly panicky… 😊

i stayed home since thursday as it was very slow at work and my time was better spent at home… i made plans for my garden and ordering bulbs and seeds and other essentials to transform my garden into an enchanted floral garden…. i am designing a mélange of french and english garden. and may be here, i should sing praises of doug, who runs errands for me and he is such a sweet heart and so innocent and always quotes me like insignificant amount for a project, i end up doubling his pay as he does amazing job. i referred him to jack as well and jack also ended up paying him more than doug quoted…. seriously, this kid does a fantastic job and i don’t like to under pay him or take advantage of his naïveté… any way, this garden project got me chuffed properly.

i love the smell of change in the air as the season is changing and i smell the earth and little buds of hungry green leaves are poking their itty bitty heads out… i felt sorry for the little ones as the weather seemed utterly batshit crazy and a month ago we had almost spring weather and all the little plants started hurriedly coming out when the weather turned cold and snubbed them back into the ground. and of course, weather will have to give in and make way for spring and i am eagerly waiting to bask in the magic of spring as everything becomes new and a new life begins.

friday morning there was so much fog and sandalwood and i hurriedly put our shoes on and ventured out in to the dark and mysterious labyrinthine mists of early morning fog at 5 in the morning to enjoy the bite of crisp air and we got soaked in the mists… we sat out having coffee and breakfast and it was amazing to have le petit dejuner a l’air frais and we had toast with mascarpone and i wished we had some fruit paste to go with mascaropone….

our relationship is slowly growing and we have now come to holding hands with no reason and at all times and sleeping in the same bed and spooning. i love falling asleep in his arms, molding my body into the concave hollow of his body and resting my head into the crook of his neck… he keeps whispering into my hair that he will protect me.

i think he is the purest person i know (well after my boys julien and jace). he is kind and honest and will do anything to make me feel loved because he can’t put his feelings into words. he plays his guitar and sings in silly voices and makes stupid impressions to make me laugh and i laugh so much…  i simply adore him.

the other day we were getting gas somewhere in a remotest part and there was this turtles song “happy together” came on and we started mildly dancing to it and we kissed, not passionately but rather like a hello and let our lips converse a bit.

on the domestic front, i’ve taken up making vegetable pottage as i realized that i am not eating all the veggies i should be eating and made a potful last weekend and will again this sunday. i almost killed sandalwood though as i forgot white people can’t eat hot stuff. and to be honest, i don’t eat that much of heat as my fellow indians do, because i went off that a long time ago as my lovers were not spice eaters and most indians keep telling me that india should divorce me as i don’t eat spicy stuff anymore. i also packed lunch of the same (having made a lot, i ate for days) and kept offering to people at my work forgetting the spicy nature of my pottage and thus probably would have made them ill; anyway, he couldn’t handle any spice at all so i hurriedly boiled him a potato… i kid you not !

i probably will teach him slowly to eat things of spicy nature. i started to cook again and i am happy. i am planning to slowly convert him to be vegetarian, but for now i am pampering him with gourmet food and this morning i made a rich breakfast of omelette with chicken livers and mushroom stuffing.

i started volunteering at an animal shelter and some days i go there before i go to work. my lungs feel ok for now and i recently started drenching myself in perfume to get my body used to allergens and chemicals as if to reteach my body to stop reacting. don’t know if that would work but i have to take a chance. as the weather is changing, more allergens are in the air and some days i feel as though i can drown inside my head because of the fluid.

i feel so loved these days and i am exhausted just because of this affection. my kids are healthy and enjoying the weather and i am super blissful. sandalwood and i take walks and hikes and we are planning to attend the cherry blossom festivals in april both in washington dc and in new york.

people make an effort, you know, to let me know that i’m loved…

like when my boss said to me “come here and teach me how to be nice” as she was about to talk to someone she can’t stand….. made me smile so much !

like when this coop girl who left recently and with who i bonded, secretly texted me saying we have to take a photo as we didn’t and that she would want to have a photo with me to remember the good times we shared…

like when sandalwood texts me and says he misses me five minutes after he said goodbye…

like when i walk in to my home, my kids come running to me and hug me with a biggest smile.. (i’m sure cats smile)

i know this may seem normal to some of you, but i’ve been so parched for affection for a long time and this feels like a healing rain. i feel somedays that my mind has mountains… you know, the tall unsurpassable ones with jagged cliffs and of course, i do have obstacles and things which i need to sort out. and you know what ? things start looking differently because of a small change in your life. it could be just a small event, but that causes your perspective to change. and just like that, i started looking at things differently and i’m less fearful and less anxious and became stronger. isn’t it just amazing ? and all of a sudden i wanted to live and not just exist and i love my life and it’s just so wonderful… to be alive in moments like this.

i love sharing many stories and singing along to trashy music and warmth of the car heater in comparison to chill of the winter air against my skin and the click of my heels on the pavement and hugging old friends and catching up with boy and making far too many blowjob jokes and about me being on my knees and sharing my dinner with a lovely boy i barely know and falling into people and feeling eyes on me as i swayed to the music.

i sit with my friends and sometimes strangers and i share stories and what makes them smile and what makes them tick… and  i am consistently thankful that i have these opportunities where i meet strangers from across the country, share some stories over tea and remember how many beautiful people carry sparks of passion with them & reignite ancient memories wherever they go.

my eyes shimmer with memories and tears and nostalgia… ancient hearts and tricks up my sleeves… i’m bursting !

me to you..

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i listened to your guitar chords on the phone and i opened the windows, tracing familiar notes like a map straight to all the things i have been burying; deep down, way deep down, like what it means to fall for strangers and how i never seem to know when to hold or when to let go or kiss without consequence and i think our hearts are too big to contain all the things we feel and we haven’t experienced yet.

sometimes we just want someone to shake our bones and rattle our soul and travel the distance without anything but conversation that changes things, and life, because we are young and old and we are stupid but we always have a fire inside.

but some nights when you keep rambling into the phone about utter nonsense like the corn fields of idaho or missing the snowstorm which we just had and i am reminded how i’m in a place where it no longer holds the weight of importance, i wonder if all the chords from your guitar you keep mailing me via phone and are pouring out of my speakers are the same ones that cradle me and you when fearful whispers of our minds aren’t drawing us closer to the comfort of finding what we needed the most.

i want you to know that i’m small. i’m fragile. i’m afraid of things like frogs and fireworks. i don’t like to cut onions which make me cry or the way when summer comes to a close, it draws a curtain over fireflies. i like to drift into slumber listening to music, and i like the way the first day of winter, when i walk out how the cold air numbs me & takes my breath away.

i want you to know i’m impatient & i jump ahead quite frequently, my mind races faster than my mouth, but i cross my fingers, and press them on my chest and pressing in all my hope into something brilliant and burning. when i’m scared i close my eyes and ramble neverendingly.

i have this habit of kissing a bit hard and biting the lips of my lover and i listen to sad songs and clean my house sniffling and crying profusely. you already know my love for cats and other small animals, and that i save gummy bears and orphaned books, but i’m also brave enough to pet dogs which are as huge as half a camel and all that time i keep muttering to the dogs don’t bite me. i enjoy coffees & drake songs and rap and i’m never sure of anything really, but i do know that i’m finding myself completely and totally terrified of this, of you, and finding myself, in all honesty thinking of you, but it feels right and i think that is all that matters now…

for climbing rocks and long drives, and i remember feeling the sun on my skin and remember how good it feels to adventure into wilderness with you.