i finally got to put together the lamp with the help of some very hard working kitties and i’m goddamn pleased. i still have to hook up to a dimmer switch so i can have romantic date nights !
the sofa is covered by a kitty blanky so if humans come by, i can offer them the sofa without them completely covered in kitty hair.
i still have to organize my living room as it’s now quite crowded with an italian furniture set.
i will be busy playing house this summer and i just can’t wait !!
this year i’m planning a rain garden and plant some flowering plants which attract butterflies and humming birds. a peak into my messy living room and more plants are arriving via post shortly.
my baby plants are waiting indoors as i’m not skilled to knit them some tiny sweaters.. and seeds / bulbs still in boxes awaiting to be planted at the right time… but we are waiting…..
with spring’s arrival we too are re-birthed. begin the rituals of leaving cramped spaces to stretch and breathe fresh air once more. no longer frozen limbs need to be covered in layers of fabric. cast off the blanket, as a snake sheds it’s old skin. take time under the sun to warm and bronze thyself once more. we are like all those who exist during such a time must rejuvenate or be lost to continuous nights of cold. big flowers on twigs in sunlight and spring season in the garden
nature’s spring fever is infectious, yet you have no fear of catching such a bug… the world now wrapped within life’s ultimate hug.
so i am watching my boys les warriors play their 5th game, with their backs firmly against the wall as if they lose this game, they would lose the championship and i’m literally sick to my stomach also because i came down with flu. kevin durant finally made an appearance this night and i’m wishing my boys a victory and i won’t be all that torn up if raptors take this championship as they deserve it and also because they are from my husband’s home town team.
saturday night i went out with this bloke for a star gazing event. during summer months, some parks have star gazing events where you go to a lake after sundown and have a picnic; we have just had such a french evening. it started with an apéro (beer (he drank), pretzel, vegetables), then dinner with wine (all alcohol is him), baguette and cheese (i cheated and ate cheese), more wine, liquor and finally coffee. it was a lot of fun with my friend. en plus, c’était nuit étoilée !! justement parfait 🙂 j’espère qu’on aura encore plus de soirée comme ça ! and as our weather has been a bipolar bitch lately, it was cooler during the night and we stayed out till 1 am and hence i got the flu.
i woke up as usual and fed my kids and took my shower and came out and i felt really woozy and after debating with myself for a moment, i told myself fuck it and stayed home and cancelled my meetings etc.
over the weekend, i watched a couple of movies and one of them was one hundred foot journey because i wanted to feel something, and this got the job done. if you haven’t already, go and see the hundred foot journey, its simply delightful and i guarantee it will make you smile even on a crappy day.
i was laughing so hard as papaji reminded me so much of my mum especially when he was bargaining and this is so typical of indian people and i went through this phase where my mum would embarrass us in the market. but this is just not my mum, every one in india is expected to have a little bargaining skills. mumma would cut the price down to half no matter what the price may be and i would stand there horrified.
also rewatched kon tiki as well because i forgot most of the movie.
i also watched the straw dogs (2011) movie and this actor alexander skarsgard (who was a villain in this movie) reminded me of the american boy but he is much sexier.
along with this i watched a couple of more movies (a german and english) and they all have rape themes and what’s more irritating was the fact the women don’t speak out ! this is mainly perpetuated by women that too smart and educated women, who like to dress up so as to please men and are fucking needy to get noticed by men. what the fuck women ? my boss also mentions this to me and she says her boyfriend thinks she is fat and in my head i would be thinking don’t tell me shit like this because in a minute i will unleash my feminist rant and tell you to ditch any man who is so fucking shallow ! but i learned to shut my mouth because like many other women, she chose to stay in this relationship & i would be wasting my fucking breath by telling her otherwise ! and thank the fuck the men who i attract aren’t shallow and don’t get me wrong, i would like to be skinny healthy but i wouldn’t do it for a man. because any man who does this stunt on me gets my wrath as this fucking annoys me to no end and i will cut any man down to his size if he tries this shit on me because he is a man. i like intelligence and men who are intelligent gets my respect.
speaking of intelligent men, someone printed a meme where warriors logo was a handicapped sign because most of the warrior players are down with injuries and left it for me on my chair. at my work i am the lone wolf marching to her own band as i am an admirer or patriorts and warriors and every one else are for philadelphia teams who are mainly losers. so everytime one of my teams loses a game, i get these little memes printed and left on my chair and i thought its either my friend tom, or another colleague mike or tim as these are the people i regularly square off. but no one owned up and i decided it must be tim just because of the cleverness of it.
tim is also very funny and he cracks me up as he recently started opening up and confession he is my favorite person because he is not only intelligent but so very humble and i simply respect him & he is like a breath of fresh air.
i recently started growing an indoor lake (in a small glass bowl) as i love lakes and i prefer them to beaches and so i decided to own one. once i fully grow one i will post a photo. it is an interesting hobby. and also i will have a little koi pond once i buy a house. speaking of koi, if you haven’t watched the movie “salmon fishing in yemen” you must ! that movie was gloriously funny !
i bid you au revoir as i go and finish watching the game (durant injured, again and out) and hopefully witness my boys victory. i am stuffy nose and sore throat; troll who stay in bed until late in the evening and trying to sleep away the sickness that wreaks havoc in my body. i share tea and not disgusted by the germs i share, already infested. i play on my phone and i read until i fall asleep; the most unattractive kind… tissues in nose, mouth wide open, hair a mess. i wake hungry with no motivation to cook anything so i wait. we wait together.
april 30, 2019 – i would like to dedicate this post to american boy as he made me happy. i’ve not been this happy in a while and i feel invincible and life is good. how did he make me happy, you ask ? he actually made an effort to talk to me or vice versa. i had(have) this problem aka a transference of my feelings on to his act of talking to me and i would get super happy by living a lie that he is talking to me because he is totally in love with me. so now a days, it’s like a conscious act on my part to separate the layer of my idiot heart’s lies it tells itself with the facts that he is just talking like he would with anyone else; also when i want to talk to him he makes me breathless and speechless as my heart races at 1000 mph & i find that my mouth is full of bees and so when i talk to him, he can’t understand what i’m saying. oh i can talk to him when i have to talk about our company affairs and i usually have this razor’s edge while talking to him, and i also am glad that he has divine patience when dealing with me; so now that i’m kind of thinking that i’m not being fair to him because of my weakness for him, i’m ungluing my lips and talking to him and it is interesting to talk to him. i feel like i’m exploring him and his interests. so we had a couple of days of nice little chats even if they were about goddamn sports because i think it’s a safe subject. but i loved it all the same. so thank you !
while traveling to work yesterday morning, i was thinking about surrealism and rené magritte and his famous “ceci n’est pas une pipe”. and during the course of the day, i bumped into american boy, while loudly talking to myself that i would like a banana, as i just worked out in the gym and he was at that time, helping himself to another piece of cake (someone is getting married) and so he went “this is not a banana”… i thought this sounds much better “ceci n’est pas une banane”
speaking of the little party for that girl, i was sitting with my colleagues one of our coworkers was telling us that his friend is getting married and one of the wedding registry item was a chain-saw and then he went, he doesn’t even have any trees. my brain concocted so many horror stories. but hear this, when i get married again, that would be my number one request. also, american boy came and sat by me, *curiouser and curiouser* which is strange as he usually avoids me by a mile. and then he seemed to want to jump in a conversation about basket ball i am having with my friend tom, but for some reason didn’t. dear boy, i don’t bite… well, not much ! but that was yesterday, and today he made my fucking day !
goddamn it ! can i be more giddy with love ? words that whisper of hopes and wants, of caresses unvoiced but entirely bestowed, of so much love that the whole world can’t hold so it lives in dreams here, in the silent whispers of my heart that only your soul hears as a song. i would love to come into your world like the soft evening breeze, like the mist from the hilltop, like the late summer sun. i would sit and watch you for hours, love your quick movements, the curve of your lips in an absent smile, the frown on your forehead as you remembered. i would sit and watch and wait until you noticed me, till the moment that your smile lit up my entire world, till you saw and gave in and wanted me. i would stay with you forever, till your eyes were cloudy pale blue, your hair spun snow and your smile slow and loving as i held your hand. i would stay till you were a memory on the mantelpiece, a picture on the wall, your voice a whisper on the evening wind.
on friday (april 26), the train i was on lost power because of some storms… apparently our train just left that spot where the wires came down and it was such a blessing as we could have got tangled up in live wires. but god is good and we were safe. as the train lost power, we had to stay on the train and i wanted to get out of the train and get a taxi but they won’t let me go. so after 3 hours on the train, we finally got evacuated and i got home around 10 pm. situations like this make me panic as i fear that i won’t see my kids again. i was talking to a colleague of mine, who also takes the same train, if he was on that train that day. and he told me that he took an earlier one and so he missed this whole episode and he was telling me a year or two ago, similar thing happened and one lady called 911 because she wanted to go to bathroom… and i was thinking, how is that gonna help, are they going to bring porter potties or something like that ? but apparently she got fined for calling 911 unnecessarily…
also today, i received beautiful flowers from my boss not sure why, may be admin day or something, but i am immensely grateful to receive them… she is a sweet-heart in my opinion, a bit unsure about herself as a person and she tends to be hard on herself. she does these little little things for me and i’m thankful for them.
oh btw, the italian and i had a great night out on saturday night, and i kept waiting for my heart to say something, anything, like i like him. i do like him, but as a friend. i have absolutely no tingling anywhere in my body.
speaking of which, i am currently reading “the color purple” by alice walker. it’s a horrible story of a young girl and it’s truly transformative literature ! it’s such an emotional but also hopeful novel about recovering from trauma, loving yourself, loving others, finding yourself, finding family, and spirituality without being super preachy. celie, the protagonist, is a lesbian with a girlfriend and i find her first time looking at her “button” (clitoris) (in a mirror obviously) super hilarious. i kept giggling like a little girl when i was reading through the lines about masturbation and her lesbian desires.
at our work gym, where somedays i work out with my boy (in my mind we are together, ok), i now acquired another admirer who is like a baby… he keeps stealing looks at me and ok, i’m not sure if he has puppy crush on me or because of the way i move on the treadmill (i’ve some unique moves on treadmill i sort of do dance steps instead of boring walk or run). and i keep thinking, dear boy, i could be your mother ! the rate at which i attract younger men is inversely proportional to my age, where the older i get, the men i attract are younger. at this rate, by the time i’m 70, i should be dating a 18 years old or younger. also, recently i was talking to a girl at my work about this decent looking qb patriots have acquired and she went, he probably is in his twenties and i’m like, why do i care ? where is the rule which specifies that only men can date young girls and women can’t date younger men ? like please ! i’ve dated younger men but usually find them boring as they don’t have much maturity and now a days, the young people are totally boring who discuss mind numbing subjects which have no substance.
we all are fucked up, just in different places but we point out to others, for their cracked parts. because we forget, that someone else is full fleshed in parts we are starved and bruised.
during certain moments i feel as though i’m trying to make it to the other side. almost like the bridge between what i lived through and where i truly wish to be was washed away by some unforgiving tsunami, and this fierce storm keeps me from repairing the bridge so that i can make it safely back to where i used to reside. so that i can make it back to me and a place where i can finally take a deep breath and feel peace instead of panic, as i continue to do battle with this unpredictable sea of emotions while attempting with everything that i have to avoid anymore fallout.
soft delusions 