xxx

hello fall !

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

i feel that my ordering online (kitty food, makeup, groceries) is out of control as they come in boxes and our recycling (and trash) is on monday morning, and god help me, as it also rains the same time without failing, and i don’t like to leave the boxes out for the recycling collectors because they will get wet and turn mushy. so my downstairs is now full of boxes and we (my kitties and i) are hopping over them like they are obstacle course and i thought of cleaning up the downstairs and collapse the boxes so i can stack them up, but the lazy side of me proclaimed fuck it, we die like men !

i write “my husband” on here all the damn time like it’s nothing, but the minute i say that phrase aloud to another human being i feel as if i’ve aged fifty years. i’ve yet to say “my boyfriend” to another human being or even write it as i’m still not sure about that relationship and what am i, ten year old, and i feel silly and also, i don’t want to be in a relationship. the boy assures me that we don’t “have to be” in a relationship; but he always talks about marriage and yes dudes & dudettes, i want to get married (and not sin) to him but he is an atheist (also a meat-eater), and i don’t like to force people to convert or go to church just because of me. god knows we have enough of those who fill the pews at our churches… is this a test ? can i just stop being horny all the time and not think of sex for a couple of hours so i can become a nun and not deal with “i should marry this boy because i’m fucking him”. i can honestly say my brain thinks only three thinks on repeat; cats, sex, food and inserts other functions in between.

the past few days have been about reading and learning about diversifying my portfolio and researching on investing opportunities. i have learned so much and it actually makes me enjoy the process so thoroughly. i have also been working on my asthma aka getting off steroids; to this end, i have bought things to help me with breathing exercises. for the first time after all these years, i am hopeful that i will kick off asthma and be rid of the steroids. the boy and i giggle a lot when my face looks bloated on steroids, he says i look like a squirrel with nuts stuffed ! lol bastard !

i performed a procedure on my kitty boy, winter, last weekend. a couple of weeks ago, i have seen him limping around and is shying away from putting any weight on one of his front paws and i thought may be he sprained his leg or had a fracture when he was doing his victory lap around the first floor after he pooped (cats do that all the time) – so i gently checked his legs to see if he would squeal in pain but i got no reaction and i thought it might have been a sprain and so i gave him a couple of days to recover and if he was still limping then i would take him to the vet and in the meantime, i also got him started on antibiotics. but soon after winter stopped limping and i went about my business. but last weekend, i saw that one of his paws was puffier than the other. i was just about to go out to attend a real estate investors meeting, but of course, my kids are a priority for me, so i dropped everything and i grabbed him and checked his front paws and i found the problem. his claws have grown into the toe beans and like dug into the soft pads and it happened on both of the front legs. i called my vet to bring him but it being a sunday, the clinic was only for emergencies and usually she would make allowances for my kids, but she had an emergency and so i decided i would do the procedure (removing the ingrown claws) myself instead of waiting till monday; after all, i have dissected the fruit-fly brains and yep, winter was not pleased as one of the paws (the one he was not putting his weight on) had begun to get infected, but surgery i did and he almost bit me and was pissed with me for about two days. i got back into his graces by giving him catnip and other treats and i wanted to check his paw as he wouldn’t let me clean it with antibiotic cleanser after the procedure, and he was like “no, thank you !” but he was a good boi and he took his antibiotics when i gave him and he forgave his mama !

oh good news, we recently acquired another company and my boss tells me they do provide medications for pets and i am thrilled as it would be a bit less expensive (as we would get it for three month supply). also, i am planning to go to patriots v eagles game when patriots visit philadelphia and i want to have the seats as close to the patriots bench as possible, but alas, the tickets are currently at $900 + and i’m waiting for the ticket price to go down a bit but i may have to buy it almost at that price and unfortunately that would mean that yours truly will be going all by her lonesome self as the boy won’t buy his ticket at that price and that’s ok by me because i’m an adult and i can sit and shout all by myself. the american boy suggested that if i go to the stadium, i may be called names (as i am patriots fan) and i slightly enjoyed his concern (?) but fuck it, i am not missing out on this opportunity because eagles fans are a bunch of balls-less bullies. but i will be sporting pepper spray just in case !

ever since my husband’s death, i have learnt to grab life by it’s balls, and enjoy every minute of it.  life is not the same for everyone, we have to find moments to make it worth living. sometime its just a smile, an innocent face, a moment from past. we see many people everyday with tired faces, tired of their current situations though they have everything in life. i don’t understand why they complain so much in spite having everything ! my mother used to say, it’s very important to be content with what you have ! otherwise you will always be unhappy ! i’m glad to say that in spite of everything, and all the sadness i have to trudge through i remember to cherish the things which i have and love to live ! the most beautiful thing i see when i drive through the impoverished areas of my city is to  see the smile on the faces of the poor children. they have no achievement, no money, nothing to cherish at all yet they have a beautiful smile on their face, not like the fake smiles i see being put on everyday…

my lover tells me that it’s okay to be emotional and soft, but there’s a time and a place for everything. sometimes you need to be stern, sometimes you need to be a pillar when everyone around you starts crumbling down— people that you love will need someone to hold on to when things get rough. be that person for them. kindness goes a long way, he tells me. my wild spirited flower is growing down the right side of his heart— he has the lightest beauty marks on the right side of his neck. you would have loved to meet him

to live an enchanted life, simply fall in love with the nature around you. idk how to describe it exactly but i really love how hearty fall is. like it’s all refreshing weather, strong earthy smells, sturdy boots and thick knit sweaters, bold colors and warm, filling meals like soup and mash potatoes and oatmeal with golden syrup on top. it’s the comfort season.

i think i am on verge of something wonderful !

2019/10/13

 

reminders

/ mycatisafrenchspy / Leave a comment

so fall is officially here and september is passing without all those cold damp days !!  my heart and soul have yearned all year for short days, crisp air, and leaves of red and gold drifting slowly to the ground. i thrive in autumn. in autumn, it feels as though i can finally breathe. i am ready for cozy blankets, homemade apple pies, pumpkin candles, fuzzy socks, the smell in the air as the wind blows cool. i am wholeheartedly ready for autumn.

i love wearing oversized sweaters, eating soups, crunch leaves, aargh !! i am alive !!

as i’m writing this, my cat petals is next to me dreaming of something and making soft noises. i’ve come to realize that i’m living in some sort of valley even tho the mountains, are not actually mountains, but they are a respectable hills… i’m super excited for fall to arrive to paint the trees with beautiful strokes of orange, red, yellow… i live in an eden, y’all !

my boys patriots have been marching towards superbowl whatever, crushing their opponents, creating unnecessary drama (aka atonio brown) and they have been better than they were before. on my health update: past week has been a bit rough for me as i was mostly “light headed”. i think the prednisone had functioned only way too well and my lungs were completely open and i was breathless for completely different reasons. well i immediately stopped taking prednisone monitoring my breathing and keeping myself consciously focused. also i was the first one to get a flu shot for this season.

i’ve been interviewing as people keep bugging me. but i have set my salary high as i really don’t need to look for another job.

the biggest update of my life is :  the coop girls from work and i have formed an investment group and we are planning to invest in various joint ventures. i am thrilled to bits because this actually challenges me as i am not made to work from 9 to 5. i have tried to no end to get more skills from the goddamn department where i work, but that came to no fruition. what pisses me off more is that none of those people, i approach got no balls to tell me that they don’t want to teach me. but despair not ! i have found others who are willing to teach me and take my help.

the girls whom i have come to think of as my daughters, and i work at a lot of logic puzzles and when we chat we are always talking about our careers, future and us being feminists. i really think they look up to me as their mentor, and they have a lot of admiration for me and vice versa. they are young and getting started on their lives and i am really happy to make that impact on their lives and even if they take a nanobyte of what i taught them and apply to their lives, my purpose is done. i  really think as humans, we should be more than a simple mammal which eats and poops… i need to challenge myself and excel. and working on investing gives me that outlet. i’ve given myself five years to stabilize my life which was upside down with my husband’s death and i’m patting myself on my back as it’s not yet year three, and i’m well ahead of the schedule !

the girls the other day did the sweetest thing for me. in passing i mentioned to them i love when someone leaves me notes. and both my husband and my love julien used to leave me notes and i miss that a lot. so on monday, when i went to work, my whole monitor was filled with post it notes and they were quite creative. i laughed so much and also, i fucking teared up ! i need to bring those notes to my home so i can cherish them when i am old and sitting in a rocking chair with a couple of kitties on my lap.

already buying a house went on a back burner this year and in lieu of that i thought of buying another suv, and was debating between bmw x7 and bmw x5 and i have finally settled on x5, but i think i am gonna push that to the back burner till next year.

i’m quite pleased with myself lately as i’m very energized and seemed to be on the road to healing. the darkness seems to be making way to light, sun, humor and best of all, the feeling of doom is slowly going away..

missing my husband a lot. i mean it’s five years already and why the fuck can’t i forget ?  i went out with the boy and sat a table for five in a moroccan restaurant, that exclusively played classical music, and he assured me that i should write more poetry and that the world would listen if i spake….. i told him he should get laid, preferably by me. i was there before, soon after my husband had died. i remembered looking around me through my tears and secretly hoping someone would fall in love with me.  it was ages ago and i have paved my ways with my teeth… constantly grinding them and tightening them.

life was strange and always always hard for me. i constantly remind myself of the good friends, lovers who saved me from ending it all. tears and more tears. i have seen good and bad. went through a lot and through it all. i haven’t learned much. but i have given up on fighting and wanting. lather. rinse. repeat.

when my love julien died, i’ve thrown away all of my calculators since i’ve seen last of him. i no longer needed to measure the speed of my blood which flows in my vein when he walked towards me.

i grew weary. who is it that said our beds are crowded with the ghosts of our past ? i don’t have many ghosts but i have bitter shadows. the boy is away for his work and i keep waking up to the sound of my heartbeat. i’m writing a poem for him in the shower. i often find myself in the grips of loneliness. is this what love is ? or is it the myth of love…

the boy assures me. he is ready to marry me. he pledged that he will be faithful to me. i told him, once, twice, on repeat… i don’t care for his promises; as long as you are open and honest with me. all i want from him is that he won’t forget. i want to be able to look at a mirror and not see the ghosts of my past who dug their graves inside me. if i were to be a cemetery to all these ghosts, i at least want to be able to have a garden and not just be a rotting old coffin who houses all these ghosts. let me bloom. let me stretch my neck towards the stars & gather the warmth. let me water them with my tears. let me hold my skin together to house my withering spirit and not sink into the darkness. this is not a lament at being heart broken. this is just a simple wish to gather the moons, stars & wishes and put them in my pockets. after all, pants with pockets are really important when the nights are this cold and dark.